August was a difficult month. I fell into a deep, dark depression. And since exercise is my natural anti-depressant, it didn’t help that I also stopped taking my walks. While these candid posts are hard to write, especially in our era of Instagram perfection and because I’m looking for a job, it isn’t going to help me or anyone else to pretend otherwise. I’m not looking for sympathy. Nobody died. I’m sharing my feelings to understand and get closure. That’s the way out. I want to be a role model of healthy thoughts and behaviors, yet I still make unhealthy choices. When I feel empowered, then I can empower others.

If my life were a baseball game, last inning felt like three strikes. I’m not going to Hawaii with my family, I’m not going to see my friend who lives in California, and I didn’t get selected for the Cincinnati book fair. Having these things happen so close together wasn’t good. My self-worth and self-esteem took a hit. It’s been extremely painful. Lots of crying. Even though I’ve spent the last few years doing a lot of inner work, rejection cuts to the bone. Once again, my mom helped me, took me shopping a few times, not that I bought much, I still have trouble being good to me. It was depressing to think we would’ve been shopping for Hawaii and getting excited about the trip.

About Hawaii – It’s sad to think that I let my ocd and phobias ruin what could’ve been a nice vacation. I feel alienated from my family. Lately, I haven’t been thinking clearly, distracted by wanting to be near my friend. When my plans to see him didn’t work out, I was left wondering – Am I so dysfunctional that no one wants to be around me? Am I ever going to function again like a normal person? This is happening to make me face the truth. I’m still struggling and it’s limiting my quality of life. The ocean, the sand, the pretty sunsets, the good food, and seeing my niece, Emma, who is so cute and funny.

About the book fair – priority is given to traditionally published authors. I’m self-published. And I probably need to work on my professionalism. I’m going to attend the fair and learn from the more experienced authors. So far, I’ve found it’s easier to get into fairs that have an entry fee rather than a selection process. On a happier note, I did early registration for the Dayton Book Expo, which is in April 2017, and I’ve been chosen as a participant. Yeah! Dayton is to the north. Cincinnati is to the south. They are the same distance away.

People need something to look forward to, which is the essence of hope, and that’s why the depression was so dark because I couldn’t find one tiny piece of hope. And instead of being happy about my car and getting a job, I just felt trapped. Instead of getting excited about my future, I got nervous and scared. The good news, I’ve made peace with my car. The new car scent is barely noticeable and it doesn’t bother me which is great. The dark interior is not that bad after all. I’m happy that it’s easy to drive and park. I have so much to look forward to, I get to start over, no pressure. I just have to be brave.

I’ve been feeling pulled in three directions rather than seeing it as three things on my plate: marketing the cancer book, working on the new book, and getting a normal part-time job. I put these things on my plate and they’re completely manageable. Each one tastes different and should be savored accordingly. Each one requires a different mindset. I need to give them equal attention rather than judging them as superior, inferior, important, or not important. I need to make a sincere effort, have the right intention, and trust my intuition.

There are two projects I’ve added to my to-do list, because God knows I needed a few more projects! Write a 600 word article for Cure magazine about a cancer-related topic. I used to read Cure in the waiting room of my oncologist’s office. Look at submission guidelines for other cancer magazines. Submit a short story (fiction) to Glimmer Train, a literary journal, they have contests each month and offer prize money. Decide which stories are not going into the book. Also a good way to get myself to work on them. Writing is what I love, among other things, I will let myself do what I love! 🙂

I want to end this post on a happy note. I am feeling better. I have hope. I wrote this blog a few days ago and considered not posting it. But if I’m not being honest, then what’s the point? I feel better when I share my feelings even if they aren’t Instagram perfect. Sharing my feelings bring me relief. Keeping them bottled up causes pain. Relief feels better than pain. I am strong enough. I am brave enough. I am me. I used to dream about blogging, and now I’m blogging. See, I’ve made some progress! I thought of a few questions to ponder…

What can I learn from this?

How can I use these setbacks / letdowns as motivation to get better?

Have a great week,

Julie