I was planning to write the June blog about my experience rock climbing with First Descents, an organization that takes cancer survivors on outdoor adventures, since it’s at the end of the month, I’m going to make that the topic of my July blog. I’m excited about going. I’m also nervous because I’ve never been rock climbing before. It looks like fun, on the other hand, I’m thinking, what have I gotten myself into? I’m probably going to be exhausted. I have a minor fear of heights. It’s easy to forget my original intention: meet other survivors, gain confidence, and experience healing. We’ll be in the Adirondack Park which is cooler weather, and I will pack accordingly. I’ve never been to the state of New York so that will be interesting.
Recently, I realized something important, I’ve been disappointing myself in little ways. I’m not getting enough exercise, I’m still struggling to clean up my diet, and I haven’t found a part-time job. I guess being honest is the first step towards making changes. I started feeling like the world was reflecting that back to me. I began to experience minor disappointments in my outer world. I was swinging too high and inevitable crashed. I think life is about finding the middle path: balanced, stable, happy, and grounded. I need to sleep, eat, move, create, laugh, and learn. I’m done waiting for Prince Charming. He isn’t coming. I have to rescue myself, that’s the modern day fairy tale, that’s when love doesn’t feel burdened.
Something happened that had me on the verge of tears for three days. I invited someone to my cousin’s wedding in August and he declined. Even though he let me down easy, rejection is painful, and if anyone tells you differently, they’re lying. I know he cares about me and wasn’t trying to hurt my feelings, nevertheless, my heart and self-esteem were crushed. Because I’m so sensitive, it put me in a very dark place emotionally. I promptly started up my affirmation practice because that’s the best way I know how to get my thoughts back on track and find the light. I still feel silly talking about affirmations, like everyone is naturally optimistic and filled with self-love, doubtful. For me, it takes practice because I can be very hard on myself.
About a week later, I was out shopping for some hiking gear, feeling quite proud of myself for getting through it and not messaging him. Pain is a teacher, it’s teaching me to stop touching that burner. I had the feeling that I need to move on and start talking with other guys. The next thing I knew, I got my chance, I struck up a conversation with a guy who was working at the store. Feeling apprehensive about rock climbing, I asked him if he’d ever been. That’s all I’m going to say, I’ve already chased one guy away by writing about him in my blog. Regardless of whether we continue talking, and I hope we do, the experience showed me there are other men, and I don’t have to be alone.
Something else about this month, it’s my cancer anniversary. I was diagnosed on June 5, 2009. It’s been eight years. I’m writing a short blog this month. I can do whatever I put my mind to, that’s what we learn as children and forget as we grow up, which reminds me, I’m about to be an aunt again. My sister-in-law, Kristine, is due the 4th of July, the doctor said she could be ten days early. Children are quite magical, they are a blessing. God has a plan for each of us, it’s our soul’s purpose, our mission this lifetime. It’s when we stop listening or want what isn’t ours that we cause ourselves unnecessary agony. Life shouldn’t be a struggle. Life can be joyful and adventurous. Hurt doesn’t heal hurt. Love heals the hurt. I’m thankful for the lesson. I’m thankful for my friendships. I continue to become stronger and wiser.
Have a safe and happy summer,