I’ve been wanting to write this post for some time now, but I needed to let my thoughts settle and make sure I was blogging about something useful to me and everyone else. How do I know if my words are going to be useful to you? I don’t. Maybe if you’ve been out of the dating scene for awhile because of a health issue or divorce, this might resonate with you. I have to speak my mind and search my heart for clarity because confusion feels like darkness. Although, the darkness has it’s place and something to teach us as well, it’s the light that heals and brings peace of mind. It seems the last post wasn’t well received and I think it’s because I overshared about my dating adventures. I’d like to say this post is not about dating and everyone can breathe a sigh of relief, unfortunately, that’s what’s been up for me, so I’ll be sharing more revelations. I could congratulate myself because for the longest time I wouldn’t even step into the dating world.

I received some flack for not liking the nice guy who seemed great. Just because someone seems nice and great doesn’t mean they are. Everyone has issues and their own agenda. It appeared as though I don’t like the good guys and only want to chase bad boys because I like drama. If my memory serves me, I was with a really nice guy for eight years and I was very happy, so that claim doesn’t hold water. I do have to be careful because I had an alcoholic father and will always be somewhat drawn to emotionally unavailable men. Do you really think I want more drama in my life? Cancer is enough drama for two lifetimes. I have to be physically and mentally attracted to someone. I want a friend and a lover combined. I shouldn’t have to settle for anything less than that. When someone inspires me to be better, to become the best version of myself, that’s awesome. We need that rather than someone who tells us lies and has fake feelings of adoration. I’d rather sleep alone than to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate who I am and what I have to give. Yes, these are just words, it takes heroic action to even attempt such love. I’m getting ahead of myself because I’m such a hopeless romantic.

One of the fellas, and I’ve decided to stop using names to protect everyone’s identity, contacted me again wanting to see me. He was the very first guy I went out with. I saw him a second time and met his son. I have enough information to make an informed decision, and I don’t see us in a long-term relationship together. I was attracted to him initially but the more I got to know him I realized, while we do have our health issues in common, we don’t have anything else. When I asked him what he likes about me, he couldn’t think of anything. And then he said, “Everything.” And I said, “Name one thing.” And he said, “We get along good together.” Oh no. I need more than that. I want to be with someone who likes my hair, my smile, my eyes, the way I talk and the way I walk. I’d have the same adoration that’s how love works. It’s maddening and amazing. I know it takes time to develop those feelings and you grow to like someone’s quirks, but I refuse to be someone that someone is settling for, that would break my heart. To know he’s with me only because he’s comfortable with me. How depressing is that? I deserve so much more.

I went to the FCC soccer game with my mom and friend, Christen. We had a really good time. I’m glad we have a professional soccer team in Cincinnati. It’s about time! I was telling Christen about my dating life and how I had fallen pretty hard for one of the guys and overreacted when I felt him pulling away. She gave me a challenge – I have to date 11 more guys before I can fall in love with any of them. Wow! That would make a total of 15 since I’ve met 4 guys so far. I can still see any of the original 4, I just have to keep dating new guys. My brother gave me some good advice: just be friends and get to know them, have fun rather than trying to turn it into a relationship. One of the guys gave me some good feedback – I seemed anxious.  Well, I have generalized anxiety, so it’s quite possible I would’ve seemed anxious. And since I actually liked him that might’ve increased my anxiety even more. There are worse things in life than being anxious. I think dating takes practice, learning not to fall for someone you barely know just because they seem very interesting. I wonder if making the dates shorter and simpler would make it easier for me? Probably.

Feelings of infatuation cause the brain to release norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin, which is why people sometimes enjoy dating, lol. There’s nothing wrong with letting yourself fall for someone especially when they share the same interests, it’s just like heaven. I didn’t do anything wrong and I should be glad to have met someone that I actually like even if it has caused me some pain. Two things I’ve learned: don’t give your heart away until they ask for it and you can’t keep a person who doesn’t want to be kept. Something else good came out of this. The other day when I was crying, I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I thought to myself, I am so beautiful, and it wasn’t an affirmation. I felt it deep down. Sure I have days where I doubt myself and my talents. Days when my body hurts and I’m tired of being strong. Days when I wonder if I’ll ever get my life back on track. Nights when I want to drink a beer, watch television, and be held by someone who cares about me. Nights when I’m grateful to be warm in my bed and protected by my angels.

I know I’m doing better than I was, even better than last year. My progress always plateaus and I find myself face-to-face with the things I’ve been avoiding like getting a part-time job. Not that the things I’ve been doing instead weren’t wonderful. I have survivor friends and a supportive community. I don’t feel so alone anymore. It’s a blessing to have people who understand. I don’t regret any of it except for the painful sunburn, swelling, and blister, that wasn’t fun! I’m the only one I know who can go to paradise and get injured. As long as I keep choosing the right path everything will be okay. I’m still too isolated which is part of the problem. I want to get a job, it’s time. It’s been time for some time now. I think it’s important for me to get a job close by before winter sets in because we get a decent amount of snow and bad weather. I’m actually looking forward to the challenge, learning something new, and making a few new friends. It’s taken me a long time to become well enough to be able to help others. Getting a job will be a huge accomplishment.

I had to stop my mind from automatically wanting to find fault and cut myself some slack. Why don’t I have a job already? Because I was healing and writing a book. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. The Universe provided for me. Why has it taken me so long to get better? Healing takes time. Why can’t I be like the other girls who aren’t a problem? You’re not a problem to the right person. There’s a line in a Ryan Adams song, “I used to feel so angry, now I only feel humbled.” I can relate. I was angry at God for taking my dad away. I was angry about getting cancer and the damage it did to my body. It’s taken me a long time to be humbled. I don’t want to die now. I hope the treatment worked. I have no idea. I’ll never know. And things don’t change until our attitude changes, maybe that’s why I was stuck for so long. That’s why we have friends, to remind us that some things are more beautiful for having been broken and with enough love broken things can be mended. I am stronger and wiser. Amen.

Have a great week,

Julie