November passed by very quickly. I’m late to get my blog posted. I was busy learning my new job and my family visited for a few days. Since I’ve had several different retail jobs in the past, I feel very comfortable running a register. I haven’t worked in seven years, this felt like a good place to start. I enjoy helping the customers which requires me to be friendly and confident. I feel better about myself because I’m testing my limits and no longer being afraid. It’s also good for me to be busy and out of the apartment. I didn’t want to spend another winter feeling alone and isolated. I’m grateful to have found a job close by. I stopped shopping for clothes while I was writing the book. I wore the same pair of blue sweatpants for a few years, so it’s nice to be around new clothes. Although, I still have trouble buying myself stuff which is something I’m working on. I’m learning how to feel comfortable in my body again. I’m learning how to have a life after cancer. I was already behind on the cleaning and laundry. Now, I have even more to get done but it seems like the busier I am, the better I manage my time.

I realized something after watching a Youtube video where it talked about how our past isn’t baggage if it becomes a learned lesson. When you’re dating, if a person doesn’t appreciate your strength it’s because they’re trying to take advantage of you. I went on one date this month. I’ll call him guy #5 because that’s what he is, the fifth guy I’ve met from the dating site. He sent me a message and since I wasn’t completely repulsed by him, I thought I’d give him a chance. We talked on the phone about four times which now seems like wasted time although it takes time to get to know someone. He’s in a profession that I somewhat respect, yet the longer I talked with him the less and less I liked him. “Give him a chance,” my mom said. We agreed to meet after work at a restaurant near me. He was late to the date. I gave him the benefit of the doubt since he had a longer drive through rush hour. I wasn’t very nervous. I had already somewhat written him off, which I know sounds terrible. If nothing else, at least I’m being honest.

I went into the date already annoyed at his ex-wife baggage which he talked about in length. He wanted to know what the other four guys did wrong so he could mold himself into someone I would like. It doesn’t work that way. You’re either the person that I like or you’re not. Sure, you can stop bad habits or change superficial stuff but it comes down to whether the person does it for you or not. He didn’t do it for me. And I just keep thinking, am I being too … I don’t even know the word. No, I’m not being too anything. I’m being myself. I had a good time with him at least in the beginning. We had good conversation, but the final straw came when he drank more than I was comfortable with and wanted to go somewhere else and keep drinking. I’m not a party girl that’s pretty obvious on my profile. I ate more sushi than he did. Oh dear. I can’t eat more sushi than anyone lol. He said he hadn’t ran that day and didn’t want the extra calories. I think there’s more calories in beer than sushi.

While we were eating, he said, “I don’t have any STDs.” Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that’s polite dinner conversation. He said he figured I had probably slept with the other four guys because I’m on a dating site and that’s what people are doing nowadays. Oh really? I’m too old to fall for peer pressure. I could’ve slept with him but I didn’t want to, nor did I want to get to know him better. I guess that’s the bottom line. I want to actually like the person I become intimate with and feel like they like me too rather than just being some girl they find attractive enough to sleep with. Actually, the final straw was when he said he doesn’t like rap or country music. Oh dear. When I asked him who he likes he said John Mayer. While he does have a few good songs, he’s not one of my favorites. To put down two genres of music that require skill, talent, and musicality, is absurd. He probably realized that by the look on my face. Ugh.

I know I’m being too hard on him, that’s his opinion and he’s welcome to it. His niceness seemed insincere which also got on my nerves. Once again it sounds like I don’t like a perfectly nice guy. But if a person is just being nice to get something from you, how is that any better? I’ll admit, I’m a bit naive, a little slow to catch on. We all have issues, it’s whether we’re working on them or not. I got upset recently and cried about something. I’m doing something wrong. That’s it! I’m doing instead of being. I step into my masculine energy, try to make things happen, when that’s the guy’s job. I need to be more comfortable in my feminine energy. It’s okay to have feelings. If we didn’t have feelings, we’d be robots. My fears keep preventing me from getting closer to guy #3. Although I did see him again, I don’t feel like I made time for him. I focused on learning my job and seeing my family. I worried about whether he liked me or not. I wondered if I was pretty enough. And I didn’t want to get my heart broken. The problem is, you can’t go into it half-hearted or trying not to get hurt. That’s like half way striking the ball, it’s not going to go very far and you get hurt by stopping short. This is another example of how I deny myself what I really want instead of being brave.

I like my freedom too. I have to feel like I’m gaining rather than losing something by having them in my life. I didn’t feel that way with guy #5. I felt trapped and it seemed like he was trying to impress me by buying me an expensive dinner. As many of you know, I’m perfectly happy with a Pepsi and a burrito. I don’t want to throw him under the bus because it makes me sound rude and judgmental. I’m also trying to write a humorous post and dating is good material. My dad used to tell jokes and make people laugh, I think that’s what I’m trying to do. He wanted a second date and when I told him no, he got pretty upset and bad mouthed me. I told him about a quote I saw, I’m sure that helped, lol. It’s something like – if you don’t feel blessed to have them in your life, they’re someone else’s blessing. I’m not the one for him and he isn’t the one for me. You can’t force that to happen no matter how much you try. Love doesn’t work that way. I also heard something else – when you hit the lottery, you stop buying scratch offs. When you find what you’re looking for, you stop looking. It’s that simple. Trust takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight.

I deactivated my dating account, there was only a month left of my subscription, because I don’t feel like my head is in the right place. In some ways, I’m not taking it seriously enough, it’s an opportunity to meet someone special. In other ways, I’m taking it too seriously, it should be fun. I also felt like I had hit a dead end on that site and it began to feel like a burden. When I feel like it’s time to start dating again, I’ll pick one of the free sites, I don’t want to spend any more money. Most importantly, I’ve decided not to say anything about being a cancer survivor in my profile, that’s not something they need to know right off the bat. I realize that now. While being a survivor is an advantage, I’m less likely to put up with a bunch of nonsense, it puts me at a disadvantage by creating a dark cloud around me. Sad but true. It’s a part of who I am, for better or worse. I can’t undo what’s been done. I can’t change what’s happened. I can only move forward and hope for the energy to get out of bed and make it through the day. I have faith in God and myself. Being alone has made me stronger and no one can take that away from me.

Since I still have some feelings for guy #3, I’m not giving the other guys a chance. You’re just supposed to hide your profile when that happens and see where it goes. I don’t know where it’s going or if it’s going to go anywhere. When I start thinking with my heart instead of my head, I get off track. What brings me back to center is the fact that dating is about finding the person who can give you what you need and vice versa. It isn’t about forcing someone to be someone they don’t want to be. I have to figure out what I need. It’s harder to go out with someone I actually like because it means something. It’s easy to go out with guys I don’t like because it doesn’t matter. If I’m just going to pick guys to reach the challenge number that isn’t right either. I should look on the bright side, I’m 1/3 of the way there. If I decide to complete the challenge, I only have to meet 10 more guys. I could pick up the pace, I move at the speed of a turtle. Some girls could set up 2-3 dates a week. I’m grateful for the experiences I’ve had because they’ve helped me move forward. I just got my second paycheck and while it isn’t that much money, my mom is proud of me.

I’m typing this on my new laptop, a 13 inch MacBook Air, which I’ve had for a few months now. At first, I didn’t like it and had a difficult adjustment which is normal for me when I get new things. I had a Dell Inspiron for many years (contrary to popular belief, I did not type the book on a typewriter lol) but it had stopped working. What do I love about the laptop? It’s lightweight, has a long battery life, and syncs with my phone. I love the keyboard. I can bang on the keys which is quite satisfying. I’ve gotten used to the screen resolution which bothered me at first. Since I have ginormous hands, I wouldn’t have been happy with the 12 inch MacBook despite it’s Retina display, the keyboard is smaller. I also had to upgrade my phone from a 5C to a 7 because I was out of storage. I couldn’t take photos and my email wouldn’t open. I’m very grateful for my new technology. I’m also hoping to get a television for Christmas. What’s come over me? Five years is long enough to go without a television. I’d like to watch Jeopardy, soccer games, movies, and a few of my favorite shows.

I enjoyed seeing my brother, sister-in-law, and nieces. They flew here from Utah and stayed with my mom for five days. My aunts, uncles, and cousins came over for Thanksgiving dinner. I always enjoy seeing everyone and eating a delicious meal especially the sweet potato casserole, pecan and pumpkin pies. My niece, Emma, who will be three in March is very energetic and cute as a button. My other niece Mary, is five months old. She’s definitely more calm and quiet. Since I’m not having kids, I enjoy spending time with them. We went to the Entertrainment Junction and had a great time seeing the trains and taking pictures with Santa. Since I was so excited to see him, he gave me a token. I’m on his nice list lol. Since Christmas is right around the corner, it’s a good time to remember the reason for the season. Love. Joy. Hope. Faith. Gratitude. Family. Friendship. Strength. Purpose. Forgiveness. Humility. It’s not about presents although that’s one way we show our love and appreciation. Christmas is about the birth of potential, to see with new eyes, hope with renewed hope, and have faith that what is meant to be will be.

Have a happy Holiday,

Julie