I thought about deleting last week’s post, but if I start censoring myself on my own blog then we’ve got problems. Sure, I didn’t have to react the way I did – getting hurt and upset. I’m a sensitive person and things affect me deeply. Do I need to toughen up? Probably. Do I need to laugh it off? Most likely. Am I going to be okay? Yes.

On Wednesday, I had a much-needed therapy appointment, almost didn’t make it there because Aunt Flo can be a real bitch when she comes to town. I told her about my recent heartbreak. “I sound pretty sad and pathetic, don’t I?” Luckily, I have a really good therapist and she said, “You sound adventurous.” I laughed, “Yeh, let’s go with that.”

“What do you like about him?” She asked me.

“He’s cute. He’s smart. He’s funny.” Later that evening, I thought of a few more things. He’s passionate about his field of study. He’s caring. He gets nervous. He wears glasses. He’s tall, dark, and handsome. He’s different. He’s interesting. He’s a deep thinker. Even though he’s a few years younger than me, he acts protective of me. He encourages me. He believes in me. He’s a visionary. 🙂

I’ll stop while I’m ahead. I genuinely like him. It’s not the idea of liking him or having him like me back. The more I think about it, he’s a combination of three guys I’ve known, taking the best from each one of them. But it doesn’t matter how much you like someone, if they don’t like you back and want the same things, it doesn’t matter.

“Start dating.” She told me, echoing the sentiment I’ve been hearing a lot lately. When even your therapist is encouraging you, it’s probably time to start dating. I could’ve started several years ago. I was focused on writing the book which became my reality and maybe an excuse. Am I afraid? A little bit. I’m afraid that I won’t meet anyone that I like and it’ll be a waste of time. I’m afraid that I will meet someone that I like and then have to deal with more stupid feelings. I’m afraid they won’t like me. I’m overwhelmed just thinking about it! Although, I have healthy self-esteem, I still have my insecurities.

Is he going to wonder why it looks like I have two black eyes? Is he going to wonder why my nose is crooked? Is he going to understand my ocd? Is he going to expect intimacy before I’m ready? Is he going to be a nice person? Is he going to think I’m pretty and want intimacy?

First of all, it doesn’t matter what he thinks. If I think I’m pretty, then I’ll exude prettiness. He’ll either be attracted to me or not. I don’t know why it looks like I have two black eyes. I think cancer punched me in the face or maybe it’s from chronic pain. I’ve always had dark under eye circles. I don’t wear makeup which would help cover them up. My nose is crooked because I got hit in the face one too many times with a soccer ball. Hopefully, he’ll be able to look past my imperfections. I don’t see them as imperfections. I see them as reality. I hope to meet someone who isn’t superficial. People either click or not. You can’t force things to happen. I should know.

I think having similar interests is important. Even though I don’t think monogamy is natural, in the long run, I want to be in a monogamous relationship. I’m not young and dumb. I’m not going to be easy or put up with a bunch of nonsense. I probably shouldn’t mention that I’m a cancer survivor, they don’t need to know that in the beginning. I would want to know, yet it does color someone’s vision of you, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Survivors are stronger and yet they’re also seen as vulnerable. Sometimes, I think I should take this slow and other times I think I need to speed it up!

“It’s good practice.” She said.

I have gotten out of practice, stopped practicing, gotten rusty, which is funny because the old Julie got too much practice. It’s like I’ve swung to the other extreme to protect myself from getting hurt. Time is slipping away. It’s not healthy for me to be alone anymore. It’s not that I don’t mind being alone, another person could add depth and meaning to my life. I’m allergic to cats and dogs which will narrow the field down quite considerably, it already does.

I told my mom, “I’m going to put, ‘Wanted: One Hillbilly Jackass’ on my dating profile.” “I don’t think that’s the right attitude to have.” “I know. I’m joking. I’m a hillbilly and proud of it!” “You don’t act like a hillbilly.” “I can talk like one. I’ve picked up the accent.” “You like to talk funny.” “I’m going to say, ‘Looking for friendship possibly more.'” “That’s good. Keep it simple.” “I’m going to get bombarded with messages.” “That’s the fun part.” “Oh yes, sounds like fun.” “You don’t have to message all of them back, just the ones you like.” “Okay.”

I need to get excited about the possibility of finding love again. Although this isn’t organic, I’m going to give it a try, maybe, depending on if I get around to setting up a profile. I need to be very careful and not give out personal information. There are dishonest people out there. Be selective. Take baby steps. Talk to them for awhile. Don’t fall for anyone too quickly. Meet in a public place. Trust my instincts. Choose happiness. Trust joy. Stop making excuses. Relationships help us grow and evolve into the best version of ourselves. Love is the best magic. I’m not going to forget that.

Have a great week,

Julie

Car update – it’s going good. If you read my book, you’d know that before I stopped driving completely, I was having trouble parking the Blazer. The car is much easier to park, and I’m not letting myself re-park it. I’m actually letting it be “imperfect.” Although, most of the time it is parked perfectly, lol. In the grand scheme of things, parking a car perfectly isn’t important. I don’t have the intense anxiety anymore which is great. The book is done. I don’t feel this weight hanging over me. When the anxious feelings start to come up, because sometimes there’s still a flutter, I recognize the old fears and take a deep breath. I remind myself that I have been through a lot, and I am stronger now.

First off the bad news, I didn’t get accepted into the literary festival called Litquake in SF, CA, they take well-established writers. It’s probably for the best as it is the same week as the book fair in Cincinnati, which I’m getting excited about, and it’s better to focus my energy on that fair as it in near me and will require less travel.

The good news, I got a car and it’s cool, awesome, and amazing. Now I’m Miss Thang, lol! I feel pretty fancy. It’s the nicest car I’ve ever driven. I’ve had all used cars, hand-me-downs from my mom: a Ford Escort, Mercury Topaz, Chev Lumina, and Chev Blazer. It’s so much easier to drive than the Blazer and it has speed, I love it. I was scared and worried, but that’s normal for me. Worried I made the decision too quickly or it was the wrong decision, but that’s what I do. I overthink things down to the tiniest details. I’m leasing it for three years. My monthly payments are pretty low, which is good.

I walked out to the car yesterday and thought, is this really my car? I was grinning from ear to ear. I thought I hit the unlock button and went to open the back door, but it wouldn’t open. “Hey, you’re my car now. I wouldn’t let me in either.” I hit the unlock button again and the door opened. Who knows? I’m gonna have to get some new clothes so my car will let me in. I put a necklace on, lol. My first excursion was to the grocery store which went pretty well. I look a bit stressed, it was really humid that day, and I’m still getting used to the car! Oh, it’s a 2016 Subaru Legacy Premium, Ice Silver Metallic. It looks silver sometimes and blue other times depending on the light.

After we got it from the car dealer we took it to my mom’s house. I cleaned the interior with a wet washcloth because even though the outside was shining they didn’t clean the interior very well. And it has a new car smell that will dissipate in time. I really can’t complain. It drives so well and the radio kicks butt. When we left the dealer, I accidentally took the first right and got onto the expressway. Oh my, I wasn’t ready to go 60 mph. Luckily, we had just practiced making a phone call with the hands-free bluetooth thing, so I called my mom who was behind me, and it was okay, I went off the next exit.

I like to drive fast and interstates don’t scare me, but when you haven’t driven in a year and you’ve had the car for five minutes, you don’t need to be on the expressway that soon. Our salesman, Brandyn, was very nice and helpful. He’s from Ross, where my dad was born, and he still lives in Hamilton, my hometown. He did a great job explaining what all the buttons meant. Because I always look for signs and synchronicities to help me make decisions, the vin # had 444 in it. It only had 18 miles on it. It was manufactured at a port in Layfayette, Indiana. My mom thought it was a sign that my temporary plates expire on my grandma’s birthday (her mom who is deceased.)

Okay, that’s all for now!

Have a great week,

Julie

Here’s a picture of my niece, who perfectly sums up my week 🙂

It wasn’t a waste of time, I tend to be over-dramatic. Writing the book was an essential part of my healing process and it will help many survivors for years to come. It’s probably normal to experience a letdown after publishing a book, especially one that took as long as it did to write. I think the problem now is that I have too many projects vying for my attention. I need to narrow them down, decide what’s in my highest good, and stay focused. When I relax, the path, the way, and the answers are revealed to me. I have to trust my intuition rather than what other people tell me. We each have our own truth.

I’ve decided to propose a class at the Fitton Center (which is the super cool art center in my area where I have taken yoga classes) called Art Therapy for Cancer Survivors. This makes the most sense based on the book and my art therapy degree. It’s a pretty obvious avenue to explore. I can teach a workshop or six week class. When I think about this, it makes me happy to connect with survivors and provide a space for healing to occur. All it takes is planning the class, filling out the application, typing an updated resume, turning it in, and then waiting to see if it gets accepted. Fingers crossed.

I’ve decided my next book will be fiction, possibly a collection of short stories. They fall into the chick lit, romance, and fantasy genres. They share similar themes of love, lust, and relationships. After I organized my computer’s desktop and got rid of old files, which felt really good, I found four stories that have merit. I enjoy writing dialogue. I’ve regained my focus for the most part. I did some revision on the main story and started writing a new story. I call myself a writer, I best be writing. If writing is the thing I truly love, then why do I run from it? I need to allow myself the luxury of writing. The only way to get better is through practice. If I don’t get the words out, they wake me up in the night and then I have to type them in Notes on my phone.

I’ve decided to continue applying to book fairs and festivals. I’ve found two events the same weekend in November, one is a book fair in Portland called Wordstock, the other is a healing retreat called Soulapalooza in Orlando. I’m going to talk them over with my mom and see if they are good ideas or possibilities. I need to keep an eye on the deadlines so that I don’t miss them. There’s also an Astrology retreat with the Astrotwins in May 2017 in Tulum, Mexico. I’ve wanted to go for the last three years, maybe this time! I like astrology 🙂

I’ve decided that I don’t want to move into the Artspace Lofts in Hamilton. While the rent would be cheaper, I don’t think I would be happier there. They are in an old historic building which has been renovated. I knew that going into it and wanted to see if I could get past that, nope, it made my skin crawl. While I appreciate the idea of maintaining the original architecture, I like new construction. They’re located on a busy street which would make it noisy and there isn’t close parking. It definitely made me put things in perspective and appreciate where I live now. The idea of living in an artist community sounds awesome, unfortunately that one doesn’t resonate with me.

My last blog was about healthy eating, then I turn around and tweet pictures of eating fast food with my mom. I can be very hypocritical. I think that happens when we want to make changes, whether it’s diet or exercise, we take two steps forward, one step back. My recent trip to the grocery store was a fail. Well, it wasn’t a total fail, I didn’t buy the microwave dinners except for the Morning Star Farm Chix Nuggets which I like to eat with my salads. I need to spend more time in the produce/natural food section and less time in the main store.

My mom had been out of town visiting my brother, and I was down to no food, not that that’s a valid excuse. And I bought Pepsi again. I only drink one can a day, but it’s still one too many. All in all, I have very few vices. (I’m not going to lie and say I wouldn’t smoke a cigarette if it were sitting here. That’s why there aren’t any sitting here!) The main thing is to decide what would be a good substitution. Possibly the Arizona Green Tea in the big jug? I like a cold drink with dinner and need some caffeine. Cold drink, ha ha. If I had the choice between beer or wine, I’d probably choose beer. I’m a country girl.

The car shopping will resume this month. Happy July! I still like the Subaru Legacy the best; it felt roomy and nice. She’s going to help me lease it. I saw a Scion in the parking lot yesterday after my walk, and it looked pretty cool. It felt good to take a walk, I had been slacking off in the exercise department as well. Not good. And then of course, I’m going to put my application in at a few places and try to get a part-time job. I will keep y’all posted on my progress. Exciting stuff.

To be quite honest, I fell into a bit of a depression which always happens when summer hits. I complain about the cold winter, you’d think I’d be grateful for the warmth, yet the humidity isn’t my friend either. I still want to go to the pool because I enjoy swimming. I still want to buy a blender and make smoothies. My to-do list is too long. I hope everyone is enjoying the summer by spending quality time with family and friends. Don’t count the years, make the years count!

Have I gotten anything done? Yes, I did some laundry and cleaning. I got the alumni updates done (my first ever update, lol) and they’ll  appear in the next newsletter. It’s hard to believe it’s been ten years since graduating from Southwestern College and sixteen years since Naropa University. Time flies! I still need to contact the breast cancer organizations which is next on my list. Oh, I’m going to be featured on a fellow writer’s blog this month. That’s something else I got done! Yeah 🙂 I answered the interview questions which took some thought. I will tweet about it or share the link here. Take care.

Have a great week,

Julie

Last week’s blog was a bit depressing, scatterbrain, and just being hard on myself. There’s no way I could’ve topped the previous blog unless I had gone to another book fair. I need to let it go and stop with the judgment. Not every blog will be filled with exciting adventures. I need to quit pushing myself so hard, I’m going to end up pushing myself over the edge! And I’m putting my heart back in my chest where it belongs. While I want to be honest when it comes to my feelings, oversharing can leave me feeling vulnerable. That being said, wonders never cease, and scientists can start sounding like poets.

I’m not drinking coffee anymore, I switched to green tea several months ago, perhaps that’s where I was getting most of my energy from. In the long run, it isn’t good to be dependent on caffeine. I might start drinking iced coffee again, especially on days when my energy is low. Drinking tea makes me feel much calmer, which is great because coffee made me bounce off the walls. There’s a lot to consider.

I’m not going to Hawaii now. I’ve talked with my family and everything is okay. There’s just too much that I need to do to get my life back on track. Even though my mom was going to pay my share, I don’t have any money to help pay for the vacation and that doesn’t feel right, nor do I deserve a vacation, as I’ve been on one for the past five years. I don’t want to be the fifth wheel, and that’s what I’d be. My mom will be with her boyfriend. My brother will be with his wife. And I would be all alone, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m not going to be sad about it. If it was meant to be, I’d be going with them. Like they said, there will be more vacations.

Today is Father’s Day, not my favorite day of the year. I miss you Dad. I hope you’re in heaven making the angels laugh. I realized something, I tell funny stories like you used to do. I like to make people laugh because laughter chases away the sadness. I got to thinking about the poor guy who had to stop me from walking onto the Fremont bus. “The Millbrae.” He said kindly. “It will be here in seven minutes.” Oh dear, I was just trying to get to the airport so I wouldn’t miss my flight! He had just spent several minutes telling me which bus to take, and I still almost took the wrong one.  At least I can laugh about it! 🙂

I’m going to start contacting breast cancer organizations through email and tell them about my book. I can also mail some free copies with handwritten letters. I can teach a class or workshop, Art Therapy for Cancer Survivors, where they complete one exercise from the book. There’s a local art center that would be a perfect location. There are so many avenues for book marketing. It’s funny how life comes around full circle and we end up where we’re meant to be. I will trust the Universe to continue guiding me in the right direction. I need to step into my role as author, teacher, healer, art therapist, and friend.

There’s something I didn’t mention. On Friday June 3rd, the morning of the day I flew out west for the book fair, I checked my email. I always read Alan Cohen’s “Quote of the day,” Danielle LaPorte’s  “Truthbomb,” and Mike Dooley’s “Note from the Universe.” Well this time, the Truthbomb stood out to me. It said, “What more do you want?” Wow, exactly, I was getting everything I wanted. The book fair, seeing my friends, having an adventure, and yet I wasn’t prepared, not completely. I was still unsure, doubtful, and hesitant. Although things turned out okay, the way they were meant to, I still have to recognize my fears and insecurities. All in all, it was great practice for my next book fair! 🙂

Have a good week,

Julie

P.S. In writing this blog and trying to think of a title, it dawned on me that women give emotional affection to show they care, while men want to give sexual affection to show they care. Why do I think my way is better? Both are equally heavy and powerful. Both can be overwhelming, unwanted, or a boundary violation. There are lots of double standards in our society: men are seen as cool for bedding a lot of women, whereas women are called sluts or promiscuous. I’ve read that women want security, while men want to feel respected. I never meant to disrespect you, and that’s why you were so mad. Your intentions were good. I get it now. I was supposed to be flattered not mad.

I’m going to designate Wednesday as my blog posting day, which will give me a schedule and routine to follow. Of course, there will be times when I choose another day, but for now, Wednesday feels good. Thursday was the day I got chemo, so there’s always (well not always) an emotional charge around that day. I don’t know how many people read my blog, but I’m sure there are people who stop by and find comfort in my words. It’s also good writing practice for me. Writing a blog might seem like an easy thing to do, but let me tell you, it takes a lot more effort than most people realize! Props to the bloggers.

I think Morgan (who was my writing coach) mentioned one time to batch them, write a few at a time and have them ready. I could probably do that because I have deleted scenes and exercises from the book that would work well as blog posts. I also want to do candid blog posts, in the moment, fresh material, because it seems like there’s always something that I need to get off my chest!

I’m always torn by what to do each day. Some days, it’s obvious because I have an appointment or grocery shopping. There are practical concerns like cleaning and laundry. There are creative concerns like writing and art. There are physical concerns like bathing and exercise. And of course, there’s eating, sleeping, and socializing. I guess what’s missing in my life is working. Although I do get disability and I’ve been working on the book, it wasn’t a “normal job” and it’s hard to feel good about yourself when the product exists only in your computer screen. Now that the book is a real live entity, I do feel better about myself. But I can’t stop there, I have to keep moving forward and put all that cancer stuff behind me, lol 🙂

One of my therapists used to tell me, “Do what you feel like doing. Or ask the Universe, What activity would be for my highest good?” I probably have too much time on my hands. I’m working on that. In July, I’m getting a car, soon after that a part-time job. And then I’ll look back on all the free time I squandered and wonder what was I thinking?! It will definitely force me to choose what I want most and make me get serious about my priorities. (I know what I want, there’s never been a question about that. I’m old enough to know what I want.) I’m not in my twenties anymore. I’m in my late thirties, which doesn’t seem possible, I think I lost a few years to grief and recovery.

I have two more possible book events that are both in October. I’ve already applied to them, but I haven’t been notified yet. FINGERS CROSSED!!! They are both indoor. One is a literary festival in San Francisco, Litquake, which would be a speaking gig. How cool would that be? The other is Books by the Banks at the Duke Energy convention center in Cincinnati; it’s a one day book fair. I’m looking forward to both of them. I don’t want to get my hopes up in case I don’t get accepted. I might research some more because the deadlines to apply are always tricky to catch.

I’ve been feeling some resistance to writing, which isn’t a surprise since I just finished a book. The love story is loosely based on an unrequited relationship. It’s completely different from the memoir and feels like a breath of fresh air. Actually, I have some new material now! Am I not passionate about the story and that’s why I’m stalling? Or did something else catch my attention? Hopefully, I’ll regain my focus and resume the revision process. One page at a time. I feel more confident in my writing ability. I think the key is to make the commitment and then overcome inertia. Keep it simple and have fun.

Writing isn’t easy because I’m starting over from square one. Walking isn’t easy because of the humidity. Nothing is easy anymore. Not even love. But the good stuff isn’t easy, at least not at first. We have to build up our strength. It’s like a test to see how much we are wiling to fight for what we want. When I got back from my trip, I had so much laundry to do that I actually did two loads in one day, which was a definite accomplishment. As my friend said, do what’s difficult each day. I’m trying. Expressing my feelings is difficult and that’s what I’m doing today. Feelings that stay bottled up cause more harm than the ones we acknowledge; it just takes bravery and then we feel relief.

I need to push myself and get as much done as I can each day. I’m slower than I used to be, and it hurts my pride to admit that. I still feel so far behind, behind the old me, behind everyone else. Not that I’m trying to catch up. Do I really want to be where most people are? No. I want to be free. Or in a place where I feel free to be me. I want to be of service and help people. That’s why I think the bookstore or even a coffee shop would make me feel better. It would force me to get out of the apartment and stop thinking about myself and my problems.

I want a relationship where we hold each other accountable for making progress on our creative projects, where we are honest with each even if it’s gut-wrenching to do so. I’m honest to a fault and wear my heart on my sleeve. Anything less would be a lie and a disservice to the awesomeness that is life and love. That being said, I’m a big scaredy cat. I come across as timid and shy, yet I can also be bold and outgoing. Phone calls make me nervous. I tend to be nervous before events, then I calm down after they start. I’m hard on myself, forget that I have a lot to offer, and I’m funny without trying to be.

Graciousness and Determination. Those were the two oracle cards that I picked from Rosy Aronson’s deck at the book fair. They are so cool. I have a few tarot decks already, but I’m thinking about buying hers, too. Anyhow, it’s not surprising that I would pick those cards because I’m still learning about humility. And the trip was an example of sheer determination to show the book and have an adventure! Here is the link if you want to check them out: https://www.amazon.com/Wisdom-Keepers-Oracle-Deck-Guidebook/dp/0692514910/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1465855428&sr=8-1&keywords=rosy+aronson+oracle+cards

I got my first email from a survivor who bought my book. I’m going to share her email because it’s so sweet. Now I know what it’s like to be admired and have fans of my work. I’ve emailed her back and feel grateful to be connecting with survivors, which is what I missed out on during my recovery. I finally feel like I can help others, and in doing so it helps me. The book continues to amaze me by bringing the right people into my life. Here’s the email from B., who wishes to remain anonymous. She also posted this as a review on Amazon.

Dear Julie,

I read about your book in the advertising for the Berkeley book fair. I ordered the book from my independent book seller. I was going to take it to my ‘Breast cancer over time’ support group, but left it on the table when I began my commute across the Golden Gate Bridge to the weekly support group. I had only glanced over it, and read a chapter or two, to be completely overwhelmed and in tears as a cancer survivor. I have to do this slowly, I realized.

Then this morning I found the part of the book about Sunny. Love that communication you have with your guide. (I know about guides.) When I was facing radiation, after the surgery, I was sitting by myself early one morning, half in trance and afraid, and saw my grandmother come to me and tell me that “I would be ok.” It was very reassuring as she had not had a body for 20 years.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your gift of words, gratitude, and hope. All the best to you in your healing journey, B.

That email made my day, and I’m still trying to let the words sink in. Maybe someday I will give myself credit for my accomplishments. Actually something amazing has developed. My family is going to Maui, Hawaii in September; it’s like a dream come true. I don’t want to say it’s a reward or prize for writing the book, but it sure feels that way. It’s just a coincidence or are there no coincidences? My brother and sister-in-law work hard all the time, and God knows my mom needs a vacation. I want to relax and enjoy myself, eat some good food and swim, read beach books, get a tan, wear cute clothes, laugh at myself and be grateful. I look forward to spending time with my family and my niece, who gets cuter and smarter every day.

I also got feedback from my friend Patty. She told me that I write well. I guess in some ways I do. But technically, I write well after many rounds of revision! I read over the manuscript on my phone at night while lying in bed, especially the Introduction and certain chapters, I went over every sentence to make sure they sounded right. I made notes in the notes app on my iPhone. (I guess I got a little obsessive. Oh duh! That makes perfect sense, I have OCD.) Probably not the quickest or most efficient way to do revisions. Now, I make revisions on the word doc itself, but there is something to be said about reading on a different screen that makes you look at it differently. Which is also why printing it out on paper is a good practice, too.

If you follow me on Twitter, you probably wonder why I always take the same picture of the same tree and pond. Well, that tree is my friend. When I take a walk, it’s the challenge I give myself to make it to that tree. It’s not that it’s that far away from my apartment; it’s more of a ritual or soothing thing, my sanctuary from the walls that surround me. It’s something I have control over and it feels empowering. I walk to clear my mind and stretch my legs. I need to get back on track with that, too. Exercise is very therapeutic for me.

If I can make it to my tree, everything is okay. Even if it’s not, for those few moments, I feel an undisturbed peace, oneness with nature, serenity, and bliss. Now that it’s dreadfully humid out, I have to walk early or late, which isn’t a bad thing just a slight difference. I also have the option of going to the pool, and yes, I am very grateful for the ability to do that. This post has gotten far too long, and it might even count as two blogs! 🙂 Goodbye for now.

Have a great week or two,

Julie

I was an exhibitor on Inspirational Avenue at the Bay Area Book Festival in Berkeley, California this past weekend June 4-5. My book made it’s first public appearance, and I would have to say it held up pretty well, and I was quite proud to show it off. Also a little nervous!

It wasn’t a baby step; it was a giant leap into the unknown. I got lost, confused, overwhelmed, and frustrated. I also realized my strength and that people are genuinely kindhearted and willing to offer directions and support. I faced my fears, challenged my ocd, and met a ton of cool people. Friday night was the hardest because I walked two blocks in the wrong direction, had trouble finding my hotel even though it was right in front of me. When I got into my room, I couldn’t figure out the air conditioner and thought it was broken. I think I was just tired and hungry and in shock at my new location.

This was me on the BART, the underground rapid transit, on Friday night. Where am I? I’m not in Kansas anymore, lol.

Saturday was a bit hectic, too. I got a late start and skipped breakfast. I’m not a morning person and haven’t worked in a few years, so this probably wasn’t too off the mark. I had to get the books from FedEx, set up the table, and greet people. Having never done a book fair, I was lucky to be matched with Susan, who I learned a lot from about booth etiquette and how to talk about my book. I ended up giving out some free copies. I met a lot of survivors and felt very enriched and inspired. I can only hope my book provides them with some comfort.

A few people I remember are: Toni, Selma, Erin, and Mika (who comforted me on the BART as we both headed to the airport on Monday, she was going to India to have surgery for colon cancer. Here she was facing cancer, and I was just crying because I’m a big baby.) I also remember a lady from Columbus who had breast cancer, you bought my book on Saturday, but I don’t remember your name. I hope you are doing well! 🙂

I had a “How are you feeling?” sign on my table which allowed people to process a quick feeling state. I realized that all feelings are valuable and that I was quick to judge, which isn’t very therapeutic on my part.

Saturday night I went out to dinner with my friend, Mike, who lives in SF.  We talked about energy healing. It was great to meet him in person as we had only talked in email. I had some very good Pad Thai at a restaurant, but I forget the name. I took this picture that night.

Sunday went better because I got Starbucks for breakfast. I haven’t had a vanilla latte in a while and it tasted like heaven! 🙂

On Sunday night, I went out to dinner with Colin, he was an exhibitor a few booths down representing the Gurdjieff library and Fourth Way books. The hotel was so pretty that I took this picture in the hallway.

Colin and I walked around the festival after it was over which was a nice ending to the weekend. We got to see the rest of the event that we didn’t get to see as we were stuck at our tables. There was a very good crowd at the festival. People in Berkeley are very open-minded and spiritual. I felt somewhat at home. Although, it’s not humid there, and I didn’t need the shorts I brought, lol.

I got to meet some of the other exhibitors on my street: Rosy, Patty, and Larry. We swapped books, so now I have some good books to read at night. I took 20 books and brought 2 home, so I would say that was a productive time. Berkeley reminded me of downtown Cincinnati or Boulder because of the homeless people. It was kind of sad. I didn’t give them change even though I should have. It doesn’t encourage them; it helps them to know there are kind people in the world who want to end suffering not maintain it.

Dinner at Cafe Tibet: dumplings and soup.

Tree in Berkeley.  Of course, I found a cool tree to admire.

Notorious San Francisco fog.

I sat by two amazing women on the flights out: Ginger (if you’re reading this, the plane exhaust smell trumped the shampoo smell, lol) and Elena (I hope you had a good time with Geiv and are enjoying Hawaii! Take care my dear.) We had great conversations. I think the Universe brings the exact people we need into our lives. I didn’t talk to anyone on the way home, I watched the Big Bang Theory and Brave. Although, I fell asleep and didn’t see much of it.

Mushroom and spinach crepe before my flight home.

What have I noticed since being home? Well, I’ve cried some more. I think it was an emotional reaction to everything that I accomplished. On Tuesday, I went to therapy and the grocery. I felt like a different person, like the old me, confident and self-assured. After the session, my therapist sat with my mom and me for a few minutes in the lobby, and I think we all knew that I had experienced a major breakthrough. I am grateful for everyone who helped me get to where I am now. I just hope I can continue to push myself out of my comfort zone and improve my quality of life.

I had some jet lag today and finally unpacked my suitcase. The clothes are sitting on the couch, hopefully they will find their way into the washer tomorrow. I need to stay caught up so that I can continue moving forward and creating the life I want. I realized something, I need to be happy with my life, rather than wanting someone to become my life. I got a taste of freedom and enjoyed my adventure. The most important thing I realized is that I am pretty damn amazing and my bitterness about getting cancer is gone. Hallelujah.

Have a good week,

Julie

I got to thinking about how meeting new people, whether it’s a job, class, support group, church function, picnic, party, or even for coffee, can cause a person to feel nervous. I used to get extremely nervous when I had to give speeches in high school and college. I would turn 50 shades of red and barely get the words out. Even though I had my note cards and knew my classmates, there was just something unnerving about having that many eyes on me. Needless to say, I do much better one-on-one or in small groups. Even when I led the art therapy groups, I was much happier when I had a co-facilitator. I don’t know if I still have stage fright, it would be interesting to find out.

Why does meeting new people cause us anxiety? Because we have a natural tendency to want to make a good impression. We judge ourselves harshly and imagine the worst. The other person might appear calm and collected, yet they probably have some butterflies in their stomach, too. Sometimes, it’s better to say, “I’m a bit nervous.” Take a deep breath and laugh about it. Sharing vulnerabilities is how we build trust and intimacy; it’s also how we learn who we are and what we want out of life. We all want to be seen as perfect, but that’s just not reality. And there’s a pretty good chance the other person already thinks you walk on water.

I’ve learned the hard way that it’s better to show up imperfectly than to miss out on something wonderful. It’s easy to be preachy and give advice, but don’t get me wrong, I struggle with these things, too. Self-love is a daily process. That’s why it’s helpful to have friends who remind us of our good qualities and want the best for us. Even the people we trust the most can do things that upset us. Disagreements are bound to happen, yet we’re able to forgive because we know that the other person’s intentions were kindhearted rather than mean-spirited.

I got to thinking about the term “unresolved grief.” Does grief ever get resolved completely? Probably not. Does resolved grief dishonor the person you were grieving? No. My dad wants me to be happy. Being sad dishonors him and the way he raised me to be strong. I was mad at my mom when she got a new boyfriend, two years after his death. I didn’t understand how she could possibly love someone again. We honor the dead by living well, and my dad wouldn’t want my mom to be alone. Her boyfriend takes her places and they have a good time. She doesn’t love him like she loved my dad. She told me the second time around is different. I don’t think so. I always want the real thing.

I’ve settled before and spent a good deal of time with someone I didn’t even like that much. My dad had just died and I didn’t want to feel again. Life didn’t matter anymore. Then I got cancer and my life turned upside down. Almost as if God was saying, “Show me that you give a damn.” I know love isn’t the answer; it’s one of the answers. People aren’t perfect. Love is perfect. We get blinded by love, because love is the brightest light. We get giddy, like kids roasting marshmallows at their first campfire. And then we get scared. We mess up love, our chances at love, and love just laughs at us. When it’s the right time it’ll happen, without an ounce of force.

What are my plans after the book fair? Continue the “car shopping.” I’m glad we didn’t by a car back then, it would’ve just sat there and we knew that. Now that the book is done, I’m ready to drive again. I don’t have to be here in my self-imposed exile anymore. I’m tired of getting triggered by my mom’s perfume, so it’ll be great to have my own car and leave whenever and go wherever I want. Not having a car has served it’s purpose, now I need one in order to move on with my life.

Test drive the Nissan Sentra and Subaru Legacy. Decide which one I like better. Lease one of them. Yes, I’ll have to conquer my fear of parking, and park imperfectly just to spite my OCD. From what I’ve noticed, the more I want to live, the more I can win the battle. The small cars felt weird because I was used to the spaciousness of the Blazer, but now I’m used to my mom’s car. I also got hung up on the interior colors: black felt like a black hole and beige was just yucky. The Nissan has a gray interior, so that might be a good compromise. I need to be grateful instead of fussy and difficult! 🙂

I’m also going to start applying for part-time jobs, I can still write in the evenings or mornings. It seems the more time I have, the more time I waste. I need to decide which book to work on next: the love story or the fantasy story. I’m thinking about applying to Half Price Books, there are two locations near me. Or there’s an open studio for people with developmental disabilities to make and sell their artwork. I would actually be using my art therapy degree … ten years later! A friend told me about the place several years ago. Who knows there could be other jobs I haven’t even considered?

Slowly but surely, I’m getting my laundry caught up, which is a good thing. Laundry is not one of my favorite activities. And if I would do two loads in one day, the process might go a bit faster. I’m trying not to worry about my upcoming adventure, do as much as I can to prepare and then trust the process. It occurred to me that this adventure is like going from 0-90, which is an old pattern of mine. I completely skip 45, which would be the middle path instead of going to the other extreme. That’s one of the ACOA characteristics. Ugh.

Funny story, I got the email about where to ship the books, but I completely forgot about ordering them over the weekend. On Monday, I talked to my mom on the phone, and luckily she asked me, “So, did you get the books ordered?”

“OMG!!!” I yelled and almost fell off my chair. “That would be like going to the wedding without the ring!” Since they want them shipped from my FedEx to their FedEx and then held as a pickup; it’s a two-step process which takes longer. I thought I’d be shipping them from CreateSpace to the event. Now, they’re going to my mom’s house first and then we’ll ship them out there. No big deal, just a slight scramble and change of plans.

P.S. In case you’re reading this, I have more to say. I don’t want to email you and hear another eloquent denial. We both know that I didn’t imagine it. I might not be playing with a full deck, yet I have enough cards to know reality from fiction. I shouldn’t have assumed or insinuated or put you in a no-win situation. I didn’t realize the seriousness of my accusation. I grounded, but I didn’t shield, because I don’t know how. I didn’t think it was a threat. Now, I just feel weird out about it. I don’t know who did it. I guess it could’ve been a complete stranger. I don’t want to speak from hurt feelings and say things I’ll regret later, so I won’t. When all is said and done, I’m still your biggest fan.

Have a good week,

Julie

I’m writing another blog post because the last one was depressing. I had read something that put me in a bad mood. I’ve let it go, and I don’t feel upset anymore. I don’t think people intentionally mean to hurt me. I’m a sensitive person. My reactions are my responsibility. Do I regret wearing my heart on my sleeve? No, I don’t. I’ve heard that our greatest strength is also our greatest weakness. For example, my attention to detail makes me organized; yet, it’s frustrating when I lose sight of the big picture.

Instead of seeking love, I need to be love and feel love for myself; otherwise, I will drain the other person. I need to stop putting people on pedestals; it doesn’t give them any room to move, and it isn’t accurate. We are all equals: equally flawed and equally fabulous. The media takes advantage of our insecurities and sells us things we don’t need. We start trying to impress others instead of ourselves. We stop listening to our truth and look outside for the answers. We forget that we already have the magic inside of us, and magic feels oh so good. I don’t know what the future holds, but I will be okay.

I noticed something, in the next to last blog post, I was actually quite happy and an interesting thing happened. I almost felt like I had to apologize for being happy. Like, how dare I be happy? If I’m happy, the other shoe will drop. I was hitting my happiness thresh hold. I used to think only certain people got to be happy, they had won some kind of lottery at birth which gave them the ability to easily smile whenever. I got my dad’s temperament, his grumpy genes, which means I have to work harder at cultivating a positive mood. My brother got my mom’s optimistic genes. Thank God my niece was born super cheerful; it will help her down the road dealing with life’s adversities.

Not that we should hide our sadness or cover up what we’re dealing with, that’s not therapeutic. But dwelling on the negative and getting pulled into a downward spiral isn’t good, either. I need to return to my affirmation practice. Even though it’s a daily practice, I don’t say them as often as I used to. I used to say them for survival, to prevent panic attacks, and to maintain my sanity. Now, they’re more like self-esteem work and for staying on track.

I also want to write a blog post that doesn’t talk about the book or the book fair, lol. The book will always be on my plate or at least the table. It’s hard to take something off the table when you’ve already put it there. I stand by my convictions, they are all that I have. I know what I know, and I feel what I feel. I can trust my intuition to guide me. I’m also going to call it “my adventure” not “my trip” because that implies stumbling and falling. Dear Goddess, I am going to soar! 🙂

Adventure update: I got the tablecloth, business card holder, poster board, and markers. I also got my placement. I’m sharing a booth with Susan, shout out to Susan if you’re reading this! She’s written a cookbook for cancer survivors. I think we’re well-matched and have important books to share. I have a feeling it’s going to be a great time!

I saw a really good quote on Twitter. “A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on her own wings. Always believe in yourself.” I’m grateful that my friend didn’t rush to help me. In a sense, by not helping me, I was forced to help myself. It’s kinda like what my mom did. It isn’t easy to break free from codependency, but it’s necessary if I ever want to be independent, have true freedom, and feel confident in my abilities.

What are the benefits of having an affirmation practice? Improved self-esteem, focus, and awareness. Quiet mental chatter, aka the monkey mind. Make positive changes through visualization and manifestation. Heal old wounds and strengthen peace of mind. I think the best affirmations have a certain rhythm to them that makes them powerful. It’s easy to alter existing ones or create your own. What’s important is that they resonate with your mind, body, and spirit.

My favorite affirmations:

I am confident and capable. I am healthy and strong.

I am calm and relaxed. I am safe and protected.

Today is a new day, and I treat myself with loving kindness.

I am grateful for my many blessings, God is good.

I breathe in and all is well. I breathe out and all is well.

I am worthy, I am deserving, I am good enough.

I am beautiful. I am amazing. I am loved.

🙂 🙂 🙂

Have a good week,

Julie

I’ve had a few humbling experiences recently. First, I was the victim of identity theft. Someone used my soc sec # to apply for a department store charge card and bought $800 worth of merchandise. My mom got the bill in the mail and immediately knew something was wrong because a) I don’t like that store and never shop there, and b) what would I possibly buy for $800? I have a couch, washer and dryer. I don’t have a television, but I don’t want one. If I were going to buy that much clothes, I sure as hell wouldn’t shop there, no offense. I prefer quality over quantity. Anyhow, we’ve got it resolved for the most part. Hopefully, they can find the people who did it, so that it won’t happen again. There’s a seven year hold on my soc sec #, and luckily, my bank card wasn’t affected.

Second, my mom cut my hair. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and it’s not that bad, but next time I’ll spend $60 and get my haircut at a salon. I asked her to cut a few inches off because it had split ends. It’s been a few years since I’ve had a real haircut. I’ve been letting it grow. Anyhow, it’s like when you cut off your jeans to make shorts, you always want to make a cut at the knee and then go shorter. My mom started with four inches instead of starting with two. I’ll cut her some slack, she’s not a professional hairstylist. And like me, my hair isn’t simple. She just hacked if off and then threw it on the sink counter, and I just about died. Oh dear god, it was a shocker. I wear it in a ponytail anyway. It looks healthy now, and it’s all one length for the most part, lol. And the best part is… it will grow! 🙂

I noticed something about myself, I turn everything into a chore instead of making it fun. The good news and another synchronicity, we went to FedEx to have two of my affirmation cards made into prints, so I can give them out at the book fair. The man who helped us, his name was David, of course, that’s my dad’s and brother’s name. He was really helpful. He had to scan and shrink them to 3″x3.”  They turned out really good. They are so cute! 🙂 I trusted the process and didn’t demand perfection. I let my mom help me decide which ones to use, and this felt better than being confused and overwhelmed. It’s helpful to get second opinions from people you trust.

I saw my therapist on Thursday. Honestly, I hadn’t been to therapy  for several months. I took a break because of winter and getting the book done. It was a much-needed appointment. We brought a book to show her, but she had one! She had bought the book and wanted me to sign it; that was sweet and made me feel good. I have a love/hate relationship with that book! I have another appointment on Friday. I forgot how much people care about me and that I can make a tiny impact on others. She told me the book fair is going to be a humbling experience, which made me look up the definition of humility and prompted this post. I understand what she means. I asked my mom if she thinks I’m humble, and she said no. That was an eye-opener. Perhaps, I am a bit arrogant at times, a pretentious know-it-all, which is something I need to work on!

While I was doing laundry today, I got the nicest text message from my uncle John, who was my dad’s best friend. He finished reading my book and gave me some awesome compliments. He told me that he’s proud of me and my dad is proud, too. (This book continues to make me cry happy tears.) It was weird at first to think about my family reading about my past. It seems easier to have strangers read it, but my family loves me and they understand the story. I told him I never meant to push everybody away; it was just something I had to do. He said, let me know when your next book is available. That’s cool. I do want to write another book. Hopefully, I will!

Have a good week,

Julie

p.s. Trip prep update: I got my suitcase and ordered the business cards. I got two book stands. I still need to get the tablecloth and toiletries. Get iPod fixed? Give Delta my KNT. I had a light bulb moment,  I’m thinking of having a small, interactive art therapy activity on my table at the fair. Buy a piece of poster board to cut in half. I already have a bunch of markers. This is getting exciting! 🙂