Word scramble answers: faith, tranquil, journey, grateful, strength, courage, passion, dreams, magical, blessed.
I hope that was fun and you figured out the words! I’m sharing them a week early because I feel like blogging again. So, what’s been going on? What’s happening? Why did I take a break from blogging and Twitter? Was it a good idea? Have I been more or less productive?
Well, to make a long story short, I felt like I was tweeting too much and not working on the short story collection. Yes, I’ve started working on them, so that’s good. Then I realized blogging and tweeting are therapeutic; they hold me accountable for showing up and sharing my thoughts and feelings. (Although, at the moment, I think feelings are stupid, and I’m stupid for having them.) They give me routine and structure. It’s also a good way to give and receive inspiration.
Even though it felt good to disconnect from social media, I started to feel too disconnected. It’s like those silent retreats, they are very beneficial, but the world always brings you back. Once again, I pulled an all-or-nothing rather than slowing down or finding a better balance. Speaking of slowing down, I bought Starbucks, lol 🙂 I found this little gem at the grocery store. Oh dear, let’s just say there’s a bit more caffeine in espresso than green tea, lol, and it tastes pretty damn good.
Something interesting happened on Tuesday, July 26th. I was out in the parking lot talking to my mom. She had driven over because the appointment was in my direction, and then we took my car. Anyhow, she asked me about someone, “How’s it going with, have you talked to him?” And I can’t help it, I break into this stupid smiling/giggling thing like a giddy teenager (which I won’t be doing anymore, and if I do, I’m going to kick myself.) It surprises me and my mom that I have such strong feelings for him. I don’t let myself fall for guys that easily, nor do I meet many guys that amaze me. (But the fact that I’ve been crying my eyes out today is not amazing. When am I going to learn?)
I answered her, “No, not really, he gave me the results of the science experiment early, but that doesn’t mean anything.” All of sudden, I look up to my left and in the sky is one of the biggest heart-shaped clouds I’ve ever seen. I said to my mom, “Look at that!” I took a picture with her phone because mine was in the apartment. I had just walked back down to tell her goodbye. It was just a coincidence. I’ve got to stop believing in silly fairy tales.
When I got into my apartment, I looked at my phone. He had followed me back on Twitter and sent me a message which is kind of a big deal. It was probably just a friendly gesture, and I took it the wrong way. I reached out to him to see if he wanted to spend some time together. Of course, he lives far away and it was a dumb idea. He finally emailed me back. He likes to think things over, whereas I’m impatient and foolish. He was trying not to hurt my feelings. He’s very nice to me. But he doesn’t want to see me, he’s seeing someone else, he’s not interested, he thinks I’m a lunatic, I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I want to know why I’m such an idiot and why it hurts.
I’m going to look on the bright side because I’m just coming out of a downward spiral and I’m not going back down. My heart works. I’m motivated to continue living and getting better. Life is hard, we don’t talk about the bad stuff, the dark days, the messiness. And that’s one reason why we need people, to help us get through the good and bad.
I don’t want to be alone anymore, even though I have another book to write and enough projects to keep me busy. I just feel alone. And nobody should feel alone. But I don’t want to be with just anyone. I really like him. My feelings aren’t going to change. I’m not naive. I’m not vulnerable. My feelings are real, they are all that I have, they keep me going. But this is hurting me, and I hurt myself enough. I’m going to start dating and give someone else a chance, although they’re going to have to be pretty amazing to make me forget about him.
I’m not going to settle. I’m not going to be unhappy. I think I have a lot to offer. Most days, I’m sane and reasonable. Some days, I’m even happy and grateful. I have to try. I have to want to live. So that’s where I’ll be – living, loving, and learning. Everything happens for a reason and even though it sucks at the time, it’s somehow for the best. I thought the Universe brought him to me, and maybe It did. It was like, if you get the book done, you’ll get to be with him, and I did.
Now that I have my car, I can get a part-time job. I’ve only applied at one store. They’re looking for full-time right now, so I need to apply elsewhere. I finally sent an email to several breast cancer organizations and magazines about featuring my book in an article or story. I’ve received one reply so far, so that’s exciting. I’ve got to get better at marketing and promotion! I need help; it’s hard to do it alone.
Have a great week,
Here are a few pictures of my niece because she makes me smile!!! 🙂 The little artist, gardener, and sleepy time!