I’m going to designate Wednesday as my blog posting day, which will give me a schedule and routine to follow. Of course, there will be times when I choose another day, but for now, Wednesday feels good. Thursday was the day I got chemo, so there’s always (well not always) an emotional charge around that day. I don’t know how many people read my blog, but I’m sure there are people who stop by and find comfort in my words. It’s also good writing practice for me. Writing a blog might seem like an easy thing to do, but let me tell you, it takes a lot more effort than most people realize! Props to the bloggers.

I think Morgan (who was my writing coach) mentioned one time to batch them, write a few at a time and have them ready. I could probably do that because I have deleted scenes and exercises from the book that would work well as blog posts. I also want to do candid blog posts, in the moment, fresh material, because it seems like there’s always something that I need to get off my chest!

I’m always torn by what to do each day. Some days, it’s obvious because I have an appointment or grocery shopping. There are practical concerns like cleaning and laundry. There are creative concerns like writing and art. There are physical concerns like bathing and exercise. And of course, there’s eating, sleeping, and socializing. I guess what’s missing in my life is working. Although I do get disability and I’ve been working on the book, it wasn’t a “normal job” and it’s hard to feel good about yourself when the product exists only in your computer screen. Now that the book is a real live entity, I do feel better about myself. But I can’t stop there, I have to keep moving forward and put all that cancer stuff behind me, lol 🙂

One of my therapists used to tell me, “Do what you feel like doing. Or ask the Universe, What activity would be for my highest good?” I probably have too much time on my hands. I’m working on that. In July, I’m getting a car, soon after that a part-time job. And then I’ll look back on all the free time I squandered and wonder what was I thinking?! It will definitely force me to choose what I want most and make me get serious about my priorities. (I know what I want, there’s never been a question about that. I’m old enough to know what I want.) I’m not in my twenties anymore. I’m in my late thirties, which doesn’t seem possible, I think I lost a few years to grief and recovery.

I have two more possible book events that are both in October. I’ve already applied to them, but I haven’t been notified yet. FINGERS CROSSED!!! They are both indoor. One is a literary festival in San Francisco, Litquake, which would be a speaking gig. How cool would that be? The other is Books by the Banks at the Duke Energy convention center in Cincinnati; it’s a one day book fair. I’m looking forward to both of them. I don’t want to get my hopes up in case I don’t get accepted. I might research some more because the deadlines to apply are always tricky to catch.

I’ve been feeling some resistance to writing, which isn’t a surprise since I just finished a book. The love story is loosely based on an unrequited relationship. It’s completely different from the memoir and feels like a breath of fresh air. Actually, I have some new material now! Am I not passionate about the story and that’s why I’m stalling? Or did something else catch my attention? Hopefully, I’ll regain my focus and resume the revision process. One page at a time. I feel more confident in my writing ability. I think the key is to make the commitment and then overcome inertia. Keep it simple and have fun.

Writing isn’t easy because I’m starting over from square one. Walking isn’t easy because of the humidity. Nothing is easy anymore. Not even love. But the good stuff isn’t easy, at least not at first. We have to build up our strength. It’s like a test to see how much we are wiling to fight for what we want. When I got back from my trip, I had so much laundry to do that I actually did two loads in one day, which was a definite accomplishment. As my friend said, do what’s difficult each day. I’m trying. Expressing my feelings is difficult and that’s what I’m doing today. Feelings that stay bottled up cause more harm than the ones we acknowledge; it just takes bravery and then we feel relief.

I need to push myself and get as much done as I can each day. I’m slower than I used to be, and it hurts my pride to admit that. I still feel so far behind, behind the old me, behind everyone else. Not that I’m trying to catch up. Do I really want to be where most people are? No. I want to be free. Or in a place where I feel free to be me. I want to be of service and help people. That’s why I think the bookstore or even a coffee shop would make me feel better. It would force me to get out of the apartment and stop thinking about myself and my problems.

I want a relationship where we hold each other accountable for making progress on our creative projects, where we are honest with each even if it’s gut-wrenching to do so. I’m honest to a fault and wear my heart on my sleeve. Anything less would be a lie and a disservice to the awesomeness that is life and love. That being said, I’m a big scaredy cat. I come across as timid and shy, yet I can also be bold and outgoing. Phone calls make me nervous. I tend to be nervous before events, then I calm down after they start. I’m hard on myself, forget that I have a lot to offer, and I’m funny without trying to be.

Graciousness and Determination. Those were the two oracle cards that I picked from Rosy Aronson’s deck at the book fair. They are so cool. I have a few tarot decks already, but I’m thinking about buying hers, too. Anyhow, it’s not surprising that I would pick those cards because I’m still learning about humility. And the trip was an example of sheer determination to show the book and have an adventure! Here is the link if you want to check them out: https://www.amazon.com/Wisdom-Keepers-Oracle-Deck-Guidebook/dp/0692514910/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1465855428&sr=8-1&keywords=rosy+aronson+oracle+cards

I got my first email from a survivor who bought my book. I’m going to share her email because it’s so sweet. Now I know what it’s like to be admired and have fans of my work. I’ve emailed her back and feel grateful to be connecting with survivors, which is what I missed out on during my recovery. I finally feel like I can help others, and in doing so it helps me. The book continues to amaze me by bringing the right people into my life. Here’s the email from B., who wishes to remain anonymous. She also posted this as a review on Amazon.

Dear Julie,

I read about your book in the advertising for the Berkeley book fair. I ordered the book from my independent book seller. I was going to take it to my ‘Breast cancer over time’ support group, but left it on the table when I began my commute across the Golden Gate Bridge to the weekly support group. I had only glanced over it, and read a chapter or two, to be completely overwhelmed and in tears as a cancer survivor. I have to do this slowly, I realized.

Then this morning I found the part of the book about Sunny. Love that communication you have with your guide. (I know about guides.) When I was facing radiation, after the surgery, I was sitting by myself early one morning, half in trance and afraid, and saw my grandmother come to me and tell me that “I would be ok.” It was very reassuring as she had not had a body for 20 years.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your gift of words, gratitude, and hope. All the best to you in your healing journey, B.

That email made my day, and I’m still trying to let the words sink in. Maybe someday I will give myself credit for my accomplishments. Actually something amazing has developed. My family is going to Maui, Hawaii in September; it’s like a dream come true. I don’t want to say it’s a reward or prize for writing the book, but it sure feels that way. It’s just a coincidence or are there no coincidences? My brother and sister-in-law work hard all the time, and God knows my mom needs a vacation. I want to relax and enjoy myself, eat some good food and swim, read beach books, get a tan, wear cute clothes, laugh at myself and be grateful. I look forward to spending time with my family and my niece, who gets cuter and smarter every day.

I also got feedback from my friend Patty. She told me that I write well. I guess in some ways I do. But technically, I write well after many rounds of revision! I read over the manuscript on my phone at night while lying in bed, especially the Introduction and certain chapters, I went over every sentence to make sure they sounded right. I made notes in the notes app on my iPhone. (I guess I got a little obsessive. Oh duh! That makes perfect sense, I have OCD.) Probably not the quickest or most efficient way to do revisions. Now, I make revisions on the word doc itself, but there is something to be said about reading on a different screen that makes you look at it differently. Which is also why printing it out on paper is a good practice, too.

If you follow me on Twitter, you probably wonder why I always take the same picture of the same tree and pond. Well, that tree is my friend. When I take a walk, it’s the challenge I give myself to make it to that tree. It’s not that it’s that far away from my apartment; it’s more of a ritual or soothing thing, my sanctuary from the walls that surround me. It’s something I have control over and it feels empowering. I walk to clear my mind and stretch my legs. I need to get back on track with that, too. Exercise is very therapeutic for me.

If I can make it to my tree, everything is okay. Even if it’s not, for those few moments, I feel an undisturbed peace, oneness with nature, serenity, and bliss. Now that it’s dreadfully humid out, I have to walk early or late, which isn’t a bad thing just a slight difference. I also have the option of going to the pool, and yes, I am very grateful for the ability to do that. This post has gotten far too long, and it might even count as two blogs! 🙂 Goodbye for now.

Have a great week or two,

Julie