Gratitude is a shift in perception from what’s wrong to what’s right. I am grateful for my friend, Will, who somehow knew to reach out a helping hand at just the right time again. I had stopped sending my positive affirmations to my affirmation group, and even though I’ve taken breaks before, this one was different, and I think he knew that.

Luckily, he thought to switch up the affirmations with a new exercise. Now, we’re doing a gratitude practice called Three to Thrive. You have to name three things you’re grateful for, three people you want to thank, and three wise, productive things you did that day. So, it’s nine things total. It’s feels great to send mine, and I enjoy reading theirs. I’m happy to reconnect with my group, they are so cool. There are nine people in the group, but only half of them are regular senders.

I think the last one is key. Focusing on what you did right that day. It’s so easy to focus on what went wrong and not give ourselves credit for the small victories. I think this is how we lose motivation. Especially as a cancer survivor, hitting plateaus and knowing how fast I used to be and what I used to get done. If I’m not careful, I can let that undermine my progress and sink into bitterness. Comparing myself to people who haven’t been through what I’ve been through. I have to push myself to do more while accepting that I am slower and that’s okay. Life is not a race. The finish line is death.

“God has a plan for your life, and you giving up isn’t it.” — Karen Miller

Even though I’ve accomplished so much this year, it’s never enough, lol. I’m always striving to do more which is a good thing, it can just get overwhelming deciding which path is in my highest good. I need to trust my intuition and listen to my angels. It’s when I get stubborn and arrogant that things go awry. I even got mad at the book and wondered why God would make me spend so much time on it. Then I realized the book has the right intention, the message is bigger than me, it isn’t my ego trying to take and take and take. The book gives.

My mom helped me to “reframe” one of my sentences. I think that’s the technical term for it in cognitive psychology. I said, “I bought the wrong kind.” And she reframed it, “No, you bought a different kind, and you don’t like it as much, it’s not the wrong kind.” That made me feel better. Why on earth am I so mean to myself? It doesn’t make any sense. Oh, I know why. I have a harsh inner critic. I like to control things and when things don’t go exactly right it can make me feel powerless. This is something I’m working on. Being nice to Julie.

I’m getting excited about sending out my resume and applying for jobs. I asked my mom, “Is that place going to be too fast-paced for me?” She laughed, “Everywhere is going to be fast-paced for you in the beginning until you get used to working again.” Some places are more fast-paced than others. It’s good to be busy. I need to get out of the apartment more. Take a break between books. And maybe having a regular job will motivate me to be more creative in my free time. The next book is my side project, a hobby, there’s no way I can stay in and stay sane for another year. That’s not realistic.

I’ve made peace with my friend, realizing he wasn’t trying to be mean, he wants the best for me, I was trying to escape my life rather than find a way to live it. They say it’s always darkest before dawn, that is so true. I told my mom, “I didn’t cry that much when —- got married.” “No, you didn’t.” I think it was something I had to go through, a final shred of grief, perhaps fear of moving forward, wanting everything to be perfect, realizing it is already perfect and not perfect and that’s okay. It’s more than okay. It’s good enough. This is good enough.

I’ll end the blog this week with a funny story. My mom told me not to write about her after the word scramble, yet she’s also glad to give me material for the blog! Okay, so we were at the grocery. We had been out shopping for clothes that day and on the way home stopped at the store to just pick up a few things. I needed water, salad, bananas, paper towels, and Pepsi. I always go through the self-checkout line because it’s fun, and I can’t complain if the groceries are bagged incorrectly because I’m the one bagging them! 🙂

I noticed she only had a bag of candy, Caramel Creams, they’re also called bullseyes. She was holding them under her arm.  “Here, I’ll ring them with my stuff that way we don’t have to do two transactions.”  She handed me the bag. I started to scan them realizing the bag was completely opened on one end. “The bag is opened.” I told her. I didn’t think she had opened them, we’ve never been the type to start eating stuff in the store. “Oh no.” She was upset that she wasn’t going to get her candy. We both turned around and there was a trail of candy! 🙂 At this point I’m laughing because it’s not surprising that she wouldn’t notice the bag was completely opened. We gave the candy to the store clerk and picked up the ones that were on the floor.

I got to laughing about it again today. I kidded her that she had been eating them. Those are good candies. Don’t worry she bought some the next time she went to her store. And it got me to thinking. When you go into the forest for a creative project, you have to leave a trail of candy or something to find your way back. It’s too easy to get and stay lost. I’m finding my way back. And this time, I don’t have to take things so seriously. I can believe in myself. I can have pretty clothes and good times. It’s all a matter of hope, faith, courage, and determination. Just when I think my reservoir is empty, I realize the supply is endless because God grants miracles to the kindhearted. Please make my heart kind. Forgive me for not trusting your timing.

Have a great weekend and week,

Julie