On Wednesday, I had a much-needed therapy appointment. She helped me to figure out a few things and gave me some new ideas. We talked about how I didn’t register for something I was excited about doing. That night, I knew I had made a mistake. Letting my fears overpower my courage was a form of betrayal, and it gave me a sickening feeling. I doubted my ability and said it was for the best. But why should I cancel my plans to spend time with people who had no problem excluding me from their plans? If I get really honest, the message at the center of my being was, “I don’t deserve to go. I’m not important.” Ouch. If that doesn’t break your heart, I don’t know what will. How did I pick up that message and what’s a better message?

My name is Julie, and I love myself. I’ve had to say that a few times this week. It’s probably the hardest affirmation to say, yet the most profound because it hits the core of your being. I deserve to go. I am important. My needs are important. People should never be made to feel like they’re unwanted, there isn’t enough room, or their issues are too much to handle. It isn’t their fault. I chose not to go with them. I’ve talked with my mom a few times this week and they’re having a good time. Even though they weren’t intentionally trying to hurt me, unspoken messages got passed onto me quite similar to the ones I received growing up in the home of an alcoholic. My job is to practice forgiveness and compassion, anything else is unproductive.

My therapist reminded me that I can still register for the retreat in Orlando, all my indecision has cost me is $200. There are still rooms available, when I looked the next day they were sold out. I guess they opened another block. Of course, that night I got an email about a healthy eating and fitness retreat in Hawaii which sounds awesome. She also suggested looking for a writer’s retreat, what a great idea! There are a few in Taos, NM that have caught my eye. I’m hungry for another adventure, something that makes me feel alive, a way to get unstuck and out of this rut. My friend, Matt, posed a good question, What am I most passionate about? I think that’s the problem, I’m passionate about so many different things. I need to narrow it down.

My friend, Mike, wrote his blog this week about resistance, and I couldn’t help but wonder if looking for retreats is my new resistance tactic against getting a regular part-time job. Well, it’s not, if I’m also applying for jobs and sending out my resume. It’s funny how creative my mind can be when it wants to stall or ruminate or dream. She also reminded me how I am doing better. I have a car now, and I’m driving myself around, which doesn’t seem like much to most people, but it’s a big hurdle I’ve overcome. I’m even parking in the front row rather than feeling like I have to be in the back row out of everybody’s way near the handicap sign. I suppose the car has helped my self-esteem.

I was going to blog about PTSD this week since I touched on OCD last week. Unfortunately, I have a good understanding of both. What caught my eye and what I didn’t go back and fix – I admitted OCD is my crutch maybe even more so than being a cancer survivor. Like my therapist mentioned, if I really want to do something, I will, and the busier I am, the less time I have to make things perfect. Things can’t be perfect. What does folding my shorts “perfectly” really do besides cause me frustration? It’s something I can control and do right, yet the ritual in itself doesn’t make sense. Sometimes life doesn’t make sense, and other times it makes complete sense. I like those days.

This time when she suggested I should start dating again, I didn’t cringe at the thought, nor did I have a strong reaction or hesitation. I’m trying to look for the good. Maybe even resign myself to the fact that there could be nice guys in my town. I’m not rushing to create a profile. I think relationships are important, and maybe it would be fun. She said that I sound lonely. Sometimes, I am. I used to be scared of being home alone, maybe that’s why I made friends with an angel. Other times, I have so much to do there isn’t time. I remember what Sunny said to me, “That’s the only thing you have time for.” He’s right. Love makes me smile. Love makes it all worthwhile. 🙂

A Course in Miracles states, “Every choice you make is either an expression of love or an expression of fear, there is no other choice.”

Have a great week,

Julie