Anyone tired of winter already? Ugh. It’s gotten really cold here. I didn’t go on any dates in December. I was busy with work and needed time to think. It seemed like I was either falling hard or not falling at all. Maybe that’s normal since I’ve been out of the dating scene for so long. Keep the date simple, meet for coffee and try to be more open-minded. My mom gets the mom of the year award, she helped me clean the bathroom. I have ptsd from treatment and have trouble using harsh cleaners. It was almost past the point of rescue and my mild cleaners weren’t working. Now I feel like I could have company over and not be completely embarrassed. The other day, I bought laundry detergent by myself. I walked down the aisle and didn’t have a panic attack. I’ve pumped gas twice now and it wasn’t so bad. All of these little victories feel empowering to me. It feels good to do normal things again. It’s not that things don’t bother me, I have tools to handle them: deep breathing, affirmations, and mental strength.

I’m going to hit the highlights of 2017 and set a few goals for 2018. It’s important to look at the progress we’ve made and things we’ve accomplished. I went to Utah twice to visit my family. I have the most amazing nieces. I participated in one book fair. I went rock climbing in the Adirondaks with First Descents and surfing in Maui with Project Koru. I met a bunch of cancer survivors who are now my friends. They inspire me daily. I saw the FCC soccer team play twice. I went swimming several times. I started dating and got a part-time job. I’d say that’s a pretty good year. It was. My goals for 2018 are to work, write, blog, exercise, eat healthy, date, and travel. I want to revise the novel, make art, do yoga, go indoor rock climbing, and get a television. I want to join a cancer support group, lead an art therapy group, and have more fun adventures. I want to get a tattoo on my left forearm, a butterfly, heart, cross, the word faith or all of them combined into one design. I want to go to some music concerts.

I’m going to share my blogging process. Writing is very therapeutic for me even the next day tmi hangover I always have since I write so candidly. When I first started blogging, I wrote about various topics rather than my personal life. Now, I weave them together to make sense of my experiences and offer insights which might be helpful to the reader. There’s usually one sentence that sticks out because it’s unclear or didn’t get revised or is a seed for a future blog. I don’t go back and change the post. I let it be even if there are a few mistakes. It’s good for me to let it be imperfect. Most of the time, the first draft is handwritten. There’s usually something I’m ready to write, but if it’s early in the month and I’m not ready to start the next blog, I’ll write in my notebook. If thoughts come to me at night while I’m in bed which they often do, I use the notes app on my phone. Some people probably skip these first two steps and go straight to typing. Whatever works best for you is your process. I put the pictures in last because I think it breaks up the text and adds visual interest.

I have a pretty good idea of what topics I want to cover and what needs to go into the post. Then I roll the blog around in my head for a few days. This is kind of annoying but also kind of fun. Then it gets to the point where the words are ready and the post needs to get typed. I think all this prep work is to outsmart my inner critic who still tries to tell me not to write and that I don’t have anything to say. Then it has to be revised several times. The final post is the result of four or five drafts. I don’t usually look back at the handwritten stuff unless I’ve forgotten something. I try to write a fresh take with fast energy although at this point the major parts are nearly memorized. Some posts are easier to write because they take less preliminary work. It comes down to saying what I want to say in the way I want to say it. I think that’s the key. It’s like playing the right notes on a musical instrument. It takes a lot of practice but it doesn’t feel like work because you enjoy it. When you’re good at something and your family is proud of you, it makes you feel good about yourself.

I want to address something because I heard a song about being just a number and it dawned on me what I might’ve done in last month’s post. When I wrote guy #3 and guy #5, my intention was to protect their identity by not revealing their names. I thought that’s what you’re supposed to do. It wasn’t to make anyone feel like they’re just a number. Guy #3 has a name, it’s Tommy. Guy #5’s name is Joseph. I feel bad about writing a post that takes jabs at someone in order to get a laugh. I don’t know how comedians are able to do that. I still have some anger and resentment to work through. We all do. It’s easy to criticize others because it takes the focus off of ourselves. I think I do a decent job of self-reflection by admitting to my errors and shortcomings. Maybe it’s easier for me to push people away than to let them get close which is something I’m still working on. I was raised on country music, it’s in my blood. I’d like to be with someone who can appreciate all types of music.

Let’s say a friend of mine had met five guys and was still interested in one of them. If she asked me for advice, I’d tell her, that’s a gd miracle, you’re so picky. Why not be happy? Why not take a chance? Practice what you preach. You deserve to be loved. Feel with your heart and think with your head. If it doesn’t work out, you’re strong enough to recover. He might not share your feelings, although he probably does. He might be talking to other women, but you’re just as awesome. He could break your heart, that’s a risk you’ll have to take. Friendship is the foundation. Get to know him better. When you care about someone, you stop playing games. Why would you keep dating when you’ve met someone you like? Why would you question what the good Lord has given you? He’s the only one you can’t stop thinking about, so stop being such a scaredy cat.

Until you start dating exclusively or enter into a relationship you can see whomever you like. Your love is worth a lot but not if you keep it to yourself, so don’t be stingy with your love but don’t give your love to someone who can’t love you back. When someone gives you the run around, don’t run, just walk away. Don’t let a guy who doesn’t know if he wants to be in your life keep you from living your life. And you have to take your love goggles off so you can see the other fish. Follow your heart. That’s my advice. You’re going to anyway. Just slow down. That’s the lesson I learned today. I locked my keys in my car. I put my purse and keys on the passenger seat so I could scrape off the snow. I should’ve kept the keys in my coat pocket or started the engine but it took mom awhile to bring the extra set of keys so that wouldn’t have been good. Luckily, I was able to use my neighbor’s cell phone to call her and wait inside the building. I was late to work. When I get out of the grocery, I put my purse and keys on the seat and then put the groceries in the car and it’s never locked on its own before. It must’ve been the cold weather. Oh well. All is well.

Have an awesome 2018!!

Julie