To be honest, I didn’t start the new year off on the right foot. I’ll get to that later. I would like to begin the first post of the year writing about something positive. When I think about what’s helped me the most over the last five years, I’d have to say it was repeating affirmations. How do they help? You gain control of your thoughts, talk yourself through fears, and improve self-esteem. I always thought they were kind of silly just something New Age people practiced. But when my life took a turn for the worse, I had to reach for the light. Many years ago, when my anxiety was bad, saying affirmations got me through the day. There’s a saying in AA, it works if you work it. That’s very true. I’ve become stronger and more confident. I don’t struggle like I used to and it feels good. When I encounter a difficult situation, I tap back into that place of strength. I don’t even say them that much anymore. Since something happened recently that knocked me off balance, I felt like it was a great time to remind myself and I have them posted on my bulletin board.

My name is Julie and I love myself. Today is a new day and I treat myself with loving kindness. I am confident and capable. I am healthy and strong. I am calm and relaxed. I am safe and protected. Breathe in. All is well. Breathe out. All is well. Peace begins with me. I am grateful for my many blessings. God is good.

Those are my favorites. You can change them to suit your needs and situation. The key is to phrase them in a rhythm you like because when the words flow they are easier to remember and become automatic. I tend to say them rather quickly. Start with one or two sentences a day. I think that’s better than saying a bunch of them at once. You really want to feel the words and what they mean. I’ve practiced them so much that sometimes my mind is like, “Oh no, not that again!” Lol. There are so many affirmations. I’m going to find or create ten new ones to practice and post them in next month’s blog.

I realized something else. I made my goals very general when they need to be more specific if I’m going to accomplish any of them. Resolutions are a good idea in theory, we should reassess how we’re doing, yet most of us have habits that are pretty set in stone. It takes time and energy to create new habits. I also think wintertime is not the easiest time weather wise to make big changes. I got upset with myself for continuing my bad habits which made me even more depressed. I bought Pepsi and golden Oreo cookies at the grocery store. I didn’t set any new habits in place so why would there have been any changes? Exercise more. How? Go to the fitness center or take a class. Eat healthier. How? Make healthy meals and limit my amount of sugar. Travel more. How? Register for events that interest me. Revise the novel. How? Work on the story instead of being on social media. See my friends more. How? Make plans with them.

I might as well just say it. I quit my job. For those of you who know me, that won’t come as a surprise. I have worked at many places over the years. Others might be shocked since I seemed really happy and excited to be there. I was and have been. Several things happened which forced me to give a two weeks notice. At the risk of going into too much detail, I’ll say it was a very good three month experience. It showed me what I am capable of and I’m proud of myself. I have faith that I can find another job I will enjoy even more. I was a seasonal hire and since the holidays are over my hours have been reduced. I need a certain amount to feel like it’s worthwhile otherwise I lose my momentum. The biggest reason was a conflict with my assistant manager. He became increasingly unpleasant, unhelpful, rude, and mean. I refuse to work in an environment where I’m being treated with such disrespect. I’m still baffled at his behavior and hope one day he realizes how to be a better supervisor and human being.

Things happen for a reason. Maybe I was on the wrong path going in a straight line instead of climbing the next mountain. There’s nothing wrong with that, we can’t always be climbing mountains. The only one who knew about my past and getting disability was the manager. I didn’t tell anyone else because I was trying to move forward. One time, the manager asked me about my cancer story. I laughed and said, “I come here to get away from it and you’re asking me to talk about it.” He got transferred to another store so I had to tell the assistant managers because it was affecting my job to some extent and they needed to know. I had been late to several shifts and I’m just slower in general. I’m also a hard worker and I did a great job. I enjoyed helping the customers and feeling worthwhile. Even after improving my punctuality, he still wouldn’t lose the attitude. I decided the stress wasn’t worth it. I gave the new manager, who’s very nice, my notice and asked him not to schedule me with the assistant manager. I had one more shift with him and I’m proud of myself for facing him. Luckily, I won’t have to work with him anymore.

I’d say it was the garbage incident which sealed the deal for me. I always complete my share of the chores there. I vacuum at night, dust mop in the morning, clean the counters, and collect the trash. The assistant manager got the garbage and recycling ready then asked me to take it over by myself. We always go in pairs because it can be too much for one person, so I was surprised at his request. It was two big boxes of broken down boxes which is too heavy for me to lift into the compactor and several large bags of trash that can fall off the dolly if someone isn’t following behind. The compactor is a fair distance away over by the parking garage and it was 5 degrees that day. I told him, “No, I don’t want to take it over.” He about lost it. “You don’t want to take it over?” He asked. “No, it’s too much for me.” I answered. “I’m going to see what K thinks about that.” He stormed off. She took the trash over with me just to appease him. I wondered why he didn’t take it over himself. He’s young and healthy, it isn’t too much for him. I almost walked out that day, but she convinced me to stay and that it would be okay. It never got back to being okay.

I don’t think it was a coincidence my car locked up on New Year’s Eve. It was as if the Universe was telling me not to go to work or just to pause for a moment and look at what’s really going on. While I was making progress and doing the right thing, I was avoiding other things in my life like intimacy and vulnerability. And I wasn’t working on any of my passion projects. My life had gotten out of balance again. I was running away from the things that really mattered to me. I told myself last New Years that I wouldn’t spend another New Years alone and what did I do? I spent it alone. I had to work the next morning which isn’t a good excuse. I was trying so hard to do a good job and I was doing a good job, but I still fell short in some areas which is to be expected for someone who struggles with physical and psychological issues. I walk away from that job with my head held high. They aren’t glad to see me go, except for one person lol. And I will miss the customers, but I think it’s for the best. I know I can find another job better suited for me and my abilities.

In terms of intimacy, yes, I need to be careful so I don’t get hurt, but avoiding the person I want to see is hurting me too. Instead of being brave, I’m being overly cautious. It’s okay to take a chance. I didn’t go on any dates this month, and I haven’t set up a new profile yet. I think it would be a good idea to start dating again. I found myself getting jealous of women who post provocative photos because I know how visual men are and I didn’t feel like I could compete with them. I actually wished I could be more slutty and now it just makes me laugh. That’s not who I am. I’m more reserved and that’s okay. I’m not in my twenties anymore. I’m sexy in my own way, that’s what I had to learn. That’s what we all have to learn. We don’t have to be anyone but exactly who we are. We aren’t attracted to people because we envision them as someone else, we’re attracted because we already think who they are is pretty damn neat. That’s what we don’t get. We cringe at our uniqueness instead of realizing it’s the very thing that makes us who we are. And who we are is what we have to give. God doesn’t make mistakes. Even a job that doesn’t work out, it’s not a mistake, it’s a learning experience. That’s what I take from this. That’s what I hope you all can take from this.

Have a great month,

Julie

p.s. My last shift was yesterday. Right before I left, I had a big sale and good connection with one of the customers. Sometimes they’re going on a trip to another country, the clothes are well suited for travel and it’s fun to help them shop. After the customer left, K and I looked at each and smiled. We talked about how that was the perfect way to end it, on a high note. Leaving wasn’t an easy decision to make, a part of me worried it was a step backwards and I’d get stuck again. I won’t let that happen. I have to follow my heart and maybe that is a luxury I have, but don’t think it doesn’t come with a cost because it does. What I have been through, I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I can’t change what’s happened, I can only move forward. The things that are chronic, I have to find relief from rather than making them worse. Exercising and improving my diet will help with the pain and fatigue. The mess in my head, I have to straighten that out. Things are so much better than they were, I need to remember that and give myself credit for what I have accomplished. My birthday is next month and instead of being upset about the age I’m going to be, cringe, I’m going to embrace it. I need to start acting more like an adult. I won’t lose my innocence and curiosity, but I’ll start trusting my strength and wisdom more.