I thought about deleting last week’s post, but if I start censoring myself on my own blog then we’ve got problems. Sure, I didn’t have to react the way I did – getting hurt and upset. I’m a sensitive person and things affect me deeply. Do I need to toughen up? Probably. Do I need to laugh it off? Most likely. Am I going to be okay? Yes.

On Wednesday, I had a much-needed therapy appointment, almost didn’t make it there because Aunt Flo can be a real bitch when she comes to town. I told her about my recent heartbreak. “I sound pretty sad and pathetic, don’t I?” Luckily, I have a really good therapist and she said, “You sound adventurous.” I laughed, “Yeh, let’s go with that.”

“What do you like about him?” She asked me.

“He’s cute. He’s smart. He’s funny.” Later that evening, I thought of a few more things. He’s passionate about his field of study. He’s caring. He gets nervous. He wears glasses. He’s tall, dark, and handsome. He’s different. He’s interesting. He’s a deep thinker. Even though he’s a few years younger than me, he acts protective of me. He encourages me. He believes in me. He’s a visionary. 🙂

I’ll stop while I’m ahead. I genuinely like him. It’s not the idea of liking him or having him like me back. The more I think about it, he’s a combination of three guys I’ve known, taking the best from each one of them. But it doesn’t matter how much you like someone, if they don’t like you back and want the same things, it doesn’t matter.

“Start dating.” She told me, echoing the sentiment I’ve been hearing a lot lately. When even your therapist is encouraging you, it’s probably time to start dating. I could’ve started several years ago. I was focused on writing the book which became my reality and maybe an excuse. Am I afraid? A little bit. I’m afraid that I won’t meet anyone that I like and it’ll be a waste of time. I’m afraid that I will meet someone that I like and then have to deal with more stupid feelings. I’m afraid they won’t like me. I’m overwhelmed just thinking about it! Although, I have healthy self-esteem, I still have my insecurities.

Is he going to wonder why it looks like I have two black eyes? Is he going to wonder why my nose is crooked? Is he going to understand my ocd? Is he going to expect intimacy before I’m ready? Is he going to be a nice person? Is he going to think I’m pretty and want intimacy?

First of all, it doesn’t matter what he thinks. If I think I’m pretty, then I’ll exude prettiness. He’ll either be attracted to me or not. I don’t know why it looks like I have two black eyes. I think cancer punched me in the face or maybe it’s from chronic pain. I’ve always had dark under eye circles. I don’t wear makeup which would help cover them up. My nose is crooked because I got hit in the face one too many times with a soccer ball. Hopefully, he’ll be able to look past my imperfections. I don’t see them as imperfections. I see them as reality. I hope to meet someone who isn’t superficial. People either click or not. You can’t force things to happen. I should know.

I think having similar interests is important. Even though I don’t think monogamy is natural, in the long run, I want to be in a monogamous relationship. I’m not young and dumb. I’m not going to be easy or put up with a bunch of nonsense. I probably shouldn’t mention that I’m a cancer survivor, they don’t need to know that in the beginning. I would want to know, yet it does color someone’s vision of you, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Survivors are stronger and yet they’re also seen as vulnerable. Sometimes, I think I should take this slow and other times I think I need to speed it up!

“It’s good practice.” She said.

I have gotten out of practice, stopped practicing, gotten rusty, which is funny because the old Julie got too much practice. It’s like I’ve swung to the other extreme to protect myself from getting hurt. Time is slipping away. It’s not healthy for me to be alone anymore. It’s not that I don’t mind being alone, another person could add depth and meaning to my life. I’m allergic to cats and dogs which will narrow the field down quite considerably, it already does.

I told my mom, “I’m going to put, ‘Wanted: One Hillbilly Jackass’ on my dating profile.” “I don’t think that’s the right attitude to have.” “I know. I’m joking. I’m a hillbilly and proud of it!” “You don’t act like a hillbilly.” “I can talk like one. I’ve picked up the accent.” “You like to talk funny.” “I’m going to say, ‘Looking for friendship possibly more.'” “That’s good. Keep it simple.” “I’m going to get bombarded with messages.” “That’s the fun part.” “Oh yes, sounds like fun.” “You don’t have to message all of them back, just the ones you like.” “Okay.”

I need to get excited about the possibility of finding love again. Although this isn’t organic, I’m going to give it a try, maybe, depending on if I get around to setting up a profile. I need to be very careful and not give out personal information. There are dishonest people out there. Be selective. Take baby steps. Talk to them for awhile. Don’t fall for anyone too quickly. Meet in a public place. Trust my instincts. Choose happiness. Trust joy. Stop making excuses. Relationships help us grow and evolve into the best version of ourselves. Love is the best magic. I’m not going to forget that.

Have a great week,

Julie

Car update – it’s going good. If you read my book, you’d know that before I stopped driving completely, I was having trouble parking the Blazer. The car is much easier to park, and I’m not letting myself re-park it. I’m actually letting it be “imperfect.” Although, most of the time it is parked perfectly, lol. In the grand scheme of things, parking a car perfectly isn’t important. I don’t have the intense anxiety anymore which is great. The book is done. I don’t feel this weight hanging over me. When the anxious feelings start to come up, because sometimes there’s still a flutter, I recognize the old fears and take a deep breath. I remind myself that I have been through a lot, and I am stronger now.