Did you contact the guy? No, I didn’t. How come? I don’t know. I was waiting for the right time and now it’s too late. How so? He has a girlfriend. Ouch! You’re telling me. I shouldn’t have been surprised he met someone else. Life moves on. I told him I just wanted to be friends and pushed him away. What can you learn from this? Don’t push people away. I thought I was doing the right thing. You were. I could’ve gotten hurt worse if we had gotten together. That’s possible. There isn’t a right time, things are never perfect. No one expects you to be perfect. Perfection is boring. You just have to be yourself. I was trained to encourage people to feel their feelings. And what did I do? I suppressed mine. I’m not proud of that. I’m upset with myself and jealous of her. Why? She gets to be with him. How did you find out? I saw a picture of them and it tore my heart to pieces. You must’ve really liked him. Yes, I did. Somehow he got to me. I liked that he was loud. My ex-boyfriend was really quiet. I didn’t want to change him. Why does this keep happening? You’ve gotten used to being alone and focused on yourself. You have so many walls up even a rock climber would grow weary. Very funny. It’ll get easier. I hope so.

I feel like an idiot for thinking things were going to work out between us when neither of us were even trying. What kind of fairytale world do I live in? Don’t be too hard on yourself. Too late. I used to be more bold. I used to go after what I wanted. And now? I need something to ease the pain lol. I’m ready to create my dating profile. That has always been the next step. I know. I wasn’t going to write about this. I’m glad you did. Me too. It’s better to be honest. I had the blog done, it was going to be a normal post. We weren’t going to have a conversation even though they liked our witty banter. You needed to process this. Yeah. I met several guys who wanted to be with me and I kept chasing the one guy who didn’t. He did want to be with you. He was playing games. Your intuition is very accurate. Julie. What? Don’t take it personally. That’s easier said than done. He didn’t reject you, he got lonely, he took a different path. Try to wish him well. I do. I wish him well. Sometimes you have to lose focus to gain clarity. Maybe your paths will cross again someday? Maybe they will and I’ll say, “It took too long.” He’ll smile and say, “The best things always do.” That’s a nice ending. Thanks. I like stories with happy endings.

I’m skipping the December post, it’s my blog I can do whatever I want with it. Last year had its ups and downs, I don’t feel like rehashing them now. Overall, it was a good year, I did a lot of fun things. I’m excited about 2019. I have family and friends who care about me. I feel very blessed. They are rooting for me. I decided to choose a few words as inspiration for this year: health, adventure, connection, self-love, optimism, and trust. My friend, Jenny, gave me a challenge to do something every month that’s outside of my comfort zone. I still haven’t met my friend Christen’s challenge to go out with 15 guys. I made it to 10 and then took a break. Rather than make resolutions, I’ve made a list of things to do. Some of these things I’ve done before, some of them I might never do. I was brainstorming. I need to do things that are going to make me feel better. Sometimes the small changes make the most impact on our health and happiness. I realized something important recently. There’s a difference between not taking a risk because it’s not a good risk and being stopped by fear or self-doubt. We always know the difference deep down. It’s one thing to take a chance and it doesn’t work out, it’s another to be left wondering, what if I had been braver? So here’s to living this year with positive intentions and courageous actions!

My list of ideas: join an indoor soccer team, take a cooking class, buy a television, go to a music concert, take a yoga class, get a tattoo, go to a fcc soccer game, go on a survivor trip, join a dating site, go to the fitness center do cardio and strength training, buy a juicer and a blender, read more books, practice my affirmations, make artwork, go to crossroads church, get a massage, make a vision board, go to a comedy club, start seeing my therapist again, attend a writer’s retreat, teach an art therapy workshop for cancer survivors.

Sharing my list makes me more accountable, which is a good thing, but trying to do all of them feels overwhelming. This will be my list for the entire year. I feel like I’m so far behind. I’m always playing catch up. I wish I were further along: more healed, more whole, more loving, more giving, more fun, more like I used to be, but I’m not. I refuse to get down on myself for not being someone else. I can only be me and then strive to be better. I’m trying to be more optimistic. I go through phases of being motivated and unmotivated. I’m surprised at how much anger and resentment I still have about getting cancer and how it’s changed my life. I need to do more healing work around forgiveness and have more compassion for myself, not in a victim sort of way, in a solution-focused way. I need to stop overthinking and sabotaging things. I deserve to be happy, too. Life is messy, and if it isn’t then we’re not living it right. I’m the one who needs to learn how to love. I’m the one who needs to lighten up. I have so much to share. I’m the prize. They should be chasing me, and I have to let myself get caught. Everyone is unique that’s the beauty of life. When we are being ourselves, that is when we are the most radiant and powerful.

I’m such a strong person. The things I’ve been through have given me an interesting perspective, yet I often doubt my wisdom. I doubt all of the things I should believe. Most days, I feel confident like I’m on the right path. My faith is strong. I’m doing the right thing. That isn’t to say I don’t want to veer off the path or take detours or wrong turns. I just know where they lead – to a dead end. I don’t want a quick fix. I don’t want to lose the things that mean the most to me. It’s okay to slow down and just be, instead of this constant state of motion which allows me to avoid facing my feelings. I need to push myself and make the most of each day. I think it’s about following my excitement, what makes me most excited? Right now, I’m excited about going to CancerCon in Denver in April with my friends Kathy, Rachael, and Jenny. I’ve been busy making plans for that. I’m excited about joining a dating site. It’s taken me a long time to feel like putting myself out there again. I need some new stories for my blog lol. How did I become such a hopeless romantic? It might have something to do with one of my babysitters, instead of watching cartoons, I remember sitting in front of the TV watching soap operas. No wonder I was kissing boys on the playground in elementary school lol.

I’m still working at the library. I work 19 hours a week. I have four 4 hour shifts and one 3 hour shift. I’m there five days a week. I like my coworkers, the environment, shelving books, and helping people. Most of my shifts are in the evening, so I have to make good use of my mornings and afternoons. It’s a busy library. There are always books to shelve and things to do. Having a routine is good for me, it gives me structure and purpose. It gets me out of the house. I feel comfortable being there. I’ve made several new friends. I’m glad it’s close to where I live since the weather has been bad. One weekend, we got ten inches of snow. Luckily, my brother bought me a heavy duty snow scraper for my birthday last year, it helped immensely to remove the snow from my car. Every once in a while I hear a song that catches my attention. I heard it on the plane ride home from Utah. I watched a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory and Being Serena which is about Serena Williams the tennis player. There was a pretty song playing at her wedding reception called, “May I Have This Dance” by Francis and the Lights. I didn’t know who it was, it kinda sounded like Peter Gabriel. If anyone is looking for a wedding reception song that one is perfect.

I think what scares me the most about dating is that I’ll have to open up and be vulnerable which sounds funny because I share way too much on this blog. Maybe it’s easier to be honest to a silent audience? Words are only words, there is so much more to intimacy. I don’t want to lose myself. Although, there’s a Depeche Mode lyric, “It’s only when I lose myself in someone else that I find myself.” That’s an interesting idea. I want someone in my life, besides my family and friends, who motivates and encourages me. Maybe I want too much? I’ll figure it out as I go along. I’m worrying about things before they happen. Just like with writing my blog, I don’t know exactly what I’m going to say or how it’s going to turn out. Of course, I think it over in my head for awhile before I start typing it. I like having the odds in my favor lol. I write bits and pieces of it on paper or in Notes on my phone. I get inspiration at various times usually when I first wake up. Once I get over the initial hurtle of beginning the post, the words are more than ready and then it’s just a matter of revision. I’m going to continue blogging this year because it’s therapeutic for me. I have to let each post stand on its own for how I was feeling at the time and then move on with my life.

I want to be with a guy who makes me feel calm and loved. That’s all I ever wanted and some hot sex lol. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who understands my need for space and solitude. Someone who has patience. Someone who inspires me. Someone who likes my family and friends. Someone who has their own ideas and passions. Someone who can hold me. Someone who can help me with things. I think that’s why God keeps me single because I wouldn’t get my work done, I’d lose my focus. Other times, I think it’s because I wasn’t ready and He was sparing me the hurt. It’s funny, I’m completely happy being alone. I’ve learned a lot about myself, things you can’t learn when you’re in a relationship. I also know there are things I’m missing out on by not having a romantic partner. I have to decide that my fantasies are not enough and instead create a real connection. I have to stop pushing the nice guys away. I need to trust myself more. I want to feel safe enough to let the guy into my world because he’s shown me in his actions that he’s trustworthy. I want to be with a guy who really likes me and chooses me over all of the other girls because that’s really something. And I would choose him, too, in a heartbeat because these moments slip away. I think love is more of a recognition or an awareness. When we have it for ourselves, we can give it to others. We can exist and co-exist. Love is often hidden and sometimes hard to find, yet it’s what we need to survive.

Take care and be well,

Julie