I’ve decided to write another book. Just like Rory telling her mom she’s pregnant at the end of the Gilmore Girls, this isn’t easy to say. I haven’t watched the Netflix special yet, but I’ve heard enough about it. I’m Team Jess, always have been. I saw a good tweet about how she’s been with Logan for nine years and her life’s all messed up, she talks to Jess for two minutes and he straightens everything out. Because he cares about her. Even if it’s Logan’s baby, Jess will help her raise it like Luke did with Lorelai. Interesting parallel they’ve made.

I digress, possibly on purpose. Yes, I’m excited, but it’s hard work. It’s a serious commitment. It’s one of the only things that will save me. It’s lonely and scary and thrilling, which only another writer would understand – to create something that can be criticized. I think that’s part of the problem, I haven’t had anything to work towards, to be excited about, a goal, a purpose, a reason. And even though I took a much-needed break after finishing the cancer book, I didn’t really rest or enjoy myself. I barely acknowledged the tremendous feat I had accomplished. That’s how I am, off to climb the next mountain.

The other night, I was lying in bed and the first line came to me. I thought, “Oh no, not this again.” And then I started dialoguing with Sunny, it’s called automatic writing. I wasn’t sure if he was still around or if we’re going to write more. We’ll see. He’s helpful to talk to because I have been struggling a bit here lately. I’m also going to work on the fiction stories, one is chick lit, the other is fantasy, and see if they are worthwhile. I’ve noticed over the last several months, instead of opening up the word docs, I start a new blog. So, I might not be blogging as much because I want to work on them. And no, he’s not to replace real people. I find real people to be much warmer.

I know why it’s scary, because writing a book requires me to put my heart and soul into it, to be vulnerable, to go against the grain, to be introspective and solitary – to do that which is maddening. And yet, I feel like I have support now, I have my own Jess. We only talk through email, but it’s enough to sustain me and make me act like a silly bird. I know I shouldn’t talk about him here because he probably reads this and then feels weird. I’m trying to feel instead of think, although thinking is much safer. Is it? No, not really. I have to do both. I have to let myself feel, and I have to remember to think. Someday, I’m going to unkink his curls and show him that the best form of magick is a kiss.

Until then, if there is a then, I’m going to stay strong and focused.

Have a great week,

Julie

Well, I had a busier week than usual. My brother, sister-in-law, and niece flew here for a visit. We did a lot of fun stuff, instead of the zoo which would’ve been cold, we went to the Newport Aquarium. I think that was my favorite activity besides the Halloween party. Speaking of which, we had three teams of two for the treasure hunt. My mom and her boyfriend ended up winning the treasure, which was a Starbucks gift card. Even though they were the last to figure out the movie, they had the right key. I might change the game a bit next year.

If you want to see more pictures from the week, I tweeted a bunch of them here: http://twitter.com/julieangelmagic

I wanted to elaborate or clarify something that I wrote in the previous blog, the one before the poem where I sound like a sappy, hopeless romantic. 🙂 Speaking of which, I am going to start dating. I had a good conversation with my cousin, Heather, and we both agreed on which site to choose. Once again, I feel weird about online dating. Is there something wrong with me? No. My cousin is very pretty and has a full-time job, and she still had to do online dating to meet someone who is now her fiance. That’s a success story!

I’m going to start dating, not because I haven’t already met someone I’m quite fond of, because I have. Not because I’m bored, I have enough creative projects to keep me busy for years. Because it’s the healthy thing to do. Because like my cousin pointed out when you’re in a relationship the other person can help you with things. I hope she meant cooking, laundry, and cleaning because I sure do get tired of doing them by myself. I am worth loving. I am a worthwhile human being. I am a radiant spiritual being. I am loved and adored by God.

While last week went really well, I also experienced something rather unpleasant – someone insulted me. It felt like a few jabs and a right hook. I’m speaking about this to make a point. When I told my mom about it, she said, “Maybe they were trying to encourage you.” WHAT!?! When did insults become a form of encouragement? If my memory serves me correctly, insults are a form of verbal abuse. I don’t know anyone who performs better under attack. I didn’t fall down. I don’t know what keeps me up? Some days, I wonder if I have the strength to keep going. How do I stop listening to the wrong voices and start listening to the right ones, especially my own?

The moral of the story goes something like this: ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME. Self-judgement and judgment from others is not helpful. What’s helpful is to look at your progress in a constructive way. Be honest with yourself about what’s working and what needs to be changed. Give yourself credit for the things you’ve accomplished even if other people don’t. Like my therapist so wisely pointed out, people who aren’t your family see you in a different light. Yes, that’s true, they can mirror back my good qualities, and they don’t know what a pain in the ass I can be. 🙂 That’s what’s great about meeting new people, it’s a clean slate, there isn’t any animosity.

Some nights I go to bed and wonder if I could’ve gotten more done. Am I pushing myself hard enough? Did I waste time? Did I make healthy choices? I have my ailments. I won’t list them here. They’re my burden to carry. They’re what I get for fighting fire with fire instead of choosing peace. It was my lesson to learn. I have to forgive myself and find ways to ease the pain. Which brings up some interesting questions: Can I let go of the pain? Can I choose pleasure? Who am I when I’m not struggling? Who do I want to be? I realized that it’s only when I doubt myself that others begin to doubt me. I have to be a warrior.

Oh, the thing I was going to elaborate on because it sounded confusing. I don’t live in a completely unscented world. My shampoo and face wash are scented, and I can burn candles. My detergent, deodorant, and soap are unscented. I didn’t realize when I started switching to unscented stuff that it would make me hypersensitive to scents. It’s not all scents, just certain scents especially sweet smelling perfumes. I’m not the only person who is sensitive to scents. That’s why I get so frustrated because I’m made to feel like I’m weird and the only one who has issues, when I know for a fact other people do.

I haven’t switched to a raw vegan diet, that’s going to take some time. It’s a destination that I think would help me on many levels. Right now, I’m sticking with the things I usually eat. Breakfast: Green tea with honey, banana, almonds, flax seed oatmeal with milk. Dinner: I almost always make a spinach salad with tomatoes, cucumber or avocado. And then either a baked potato with sour cream, Amy’s bean burrito or Morning Star Farms veggie burger or nuggets. I need to learn how to cook or get more creative with my meal plans. Yes, I’m still drinking a Pepsi with dinner, I enjoy the caffeine and carbonation. It’s probably my only vice since I don’t smoke, drink, or do drugs. Unfortunately, soda has a lot of sugar. At least I am aware of this, and awareness precedes change.

Enjoy the extra hour and have a great week,

Julie

I’m only doing two blog posts this month. Two’s better than none, I suppose. I’ll backtrack and then go forward. On Thursday, I had a fever, I don’t know for sure because I didn’t take my temperature, but I felt like a space heater all day. It wasn’t until I took two Tylenol that the fever broke. I had a fever for several days, but when I finally bought a thermometer, I didn’t register a temperature. Who knows? I think I was trying to catch a cold. I haven’t been letting myself rest. I’m just being too stressed. I haven’t been sitting on the couch at night with my feet up. I need to let myself relax every once in awhile.

My brother called on Monday and we had a good conversation. They’re going to be here on Tuesday. We have a lot of fun things planned. I will take some pictures and blog about it. Emma is running now and saying some words. I can’t wait to see her. We’re also having a small Halloween party. I’m making a Word Search, Scramble, and Treasure Hunt Game. I’m known for my party games. The historic 2009 Halloween party is still talked about to this day. We’ve had some more parties since then, but I haven’t been able to replicate that level of fun nor have the same group of people been together.

That was the year I was getting chemo, yet I managed to decorate the whole house and make five games. I think the steroids gave me energy even though I felt terrible. There were five teams of two. They were running around the house stomping on balloons and looking for envelopes. It was a riot. I sort of recreated the idea of this board game called Mystery Mansion that David, Bryan, Christen, and I played when we were little. I hand folded a bunch of little envelopes and hid them around the house. It was so much fun! My brother and Bryan are both married now with kids. How time flies. My younger cousin, Heather, is getting married to Kyle in August. Yeah! 🙂

Well, I’ve stopped running away. There were three retreats the same week/weekend in November, and I couldn’t decide on one of them. They were all cool in their own way. On one hand, I’m bummed that I didn’t push myself out of my comfort zone. On the other hand, I have things that need to be attended to around here. Yes, it’s exciting to plan adventures. I’m going to post a tentative schedule for 2017 soon. I’m going to travel more. I’m choosing something each month, from book fairs to writing, wellness, survivor, and spirituality retreats. I will go to them alone or see if my friends want to join me!

The other thing I’ve decided is that I’m going to slowly transition into eating a raw vegan diet, which means I will not be eating meat, dairy, or wheat. I will be eating fruits and vegetables, whole foods that are uncooked, and making smoothies and green juices. This would’ve been easier to start in the summer rather than the winter. I should’ve started this seven years ago. I saw a quote today that really hit home, “Food is either the best medicine or a slow form of poison.” I’ve poisoned myself enough. I’m feeding the cancer cells with sugar. I need to start feeding myself from nature’s pharmacy. It will take some time to figure out what works best for me and my body.

I’ve been doing a lot of research and watching videos. It’s not going to be easy, the Standard American Diet is full of toxic chemicals and addictive substances. And food is a form of emotional comfort. I just have to start being comforted by healthy food rather than unhealthy food. If you think about, empty calories are not really satisfying and don’t make us feel good. I want to glow from good health and be proud that I am treating my body well. Healthy eating is what’s missing from being a true wellness warrior and inspiration.

The next time I go to the grocery, I’m not going to buy any processed foods or drinks. They’re not allowed in the cart. I need to use my OCD for something beneficial like keeping the junk out of the cart. I will finish up what I have here and then it’s clean eating. I’m going to reach out to a health coach who is going to help me transition and figure out meals. I think meat will be the easiest to cut, since I already eat vegetarian most of the time. Dairy and wheat will be the hardest to cut because I’ve always liked them. There are lots of alternatives.

Since I’m not much of a cook anyway, this shouldn’t be too hard. I might start with mono meals of fruit, or even raw till 4. I can eat a much larger salad for dinner instead of needing something cooked. The only thing I’m going to buy is oatmeal, that will be my cooked meal if I need something warm. I’m going to stock up on tea bags, that’s what I’m drinking instead of soda. I’m buying soy milk instead of regular milk. I think I need to do an extreme detox right off the bat. Benefits to eating healthy: better digestion, reduce inflammation, oxygenate cells, slow tumor growth, alkalize blood, improve mood.

What am I still struggling with? Fear of contamination and scents. When I was at Target, I had trouble setting my paper products on the conveyor belt. l had to hand them to the cashier, which made me feel like an idiot. In my mind, the conveyor belt is “contaminated.” I think that’s why I like the self-checkout at the grocery because the groceries don’t touch the conveyor belt. Stuff like that depresses me and makes me realize how bad the OCD and PTSD have become. And why I choose to worry about such weird things is beyond me?

I AM SAFE NOW. THE PAST IS OVER, AND I AM FREE. — Louise Hay

The other thing, I switched my shower to the evening because I couldn’t get in bed if I had been out of the apartment and picked up a scent. I never used to worry about that stuff before. I was aware of it, yet I didn’t let it bother me. I’m usually tired in the evenings and don’t feel like showering. Now, I shower in the morning or afternoon, only in the evenings per above. I think that’s part of why I caught a cold, my hair was still damp because I don’t use a hair dryer, and I haven’t put the new comforter on the bed or gotten it out of the package.

We’ve had some cold nights forcing me to wear my pajama bottoms to bed. I need to wash the new duvet cover, too. I’ve got to get my bed figured out before winter hits. Sleep is very important! I had the old comforter for ten years; it fell apart forcing me to throw it away. This is turning out to be a hard adjustment, or I’m letting it be hard. I’m going to get it figured out. Part of the problem is that I’m being too sensitive and making things complicated, which is something I need to work on for sure, and this has turned into quite a long post.

ALL OF MY CHANGES ARE EASY TO MAKE. — Louise Hay

Have a great week,

Julie

lol

Before we delve into OCD, I want to share a funny and an indecisive story. My mom didn’t know what bae meant. I told her, “I think it’s slang for boyfriend. I heard it on Twitter.” (I just googled it, it means before anyone else, a shortened form of baby or babe.) She wrote, “That’s a weird spelling.” I wrote back, “Weird spelling!?! You spelled my middle name, Renae.” All she replied was, “Yes.” It still makes me laugh. I texted her the emoji that’s laughing so hard it’s crying!! 🙂

I chickened out and didn’t register for Soulapolooza, a four day retreat in Orlando in November led by Mike Dooley. A few years ago, my friend Tracy gave me this link and told me to sign up to get a Tut – Notes from the Universe.  I’ve been getting a Note every weekday ever since. They’re really cool. Everyone gets the same message, but every so often your individual goals are weaved in to make it more special. Here’s the link – http://www.tut.com/account/register. They’re little reminders of life’s magic, very encouraging and soulful.

I’m trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and do more fun things. I recall being happiest when I was in school learning new things. There was a bit of a conflict because my brother, sister-in-law, and sweet baby niece 🙂 are coming home for a week and staying with my mom. Their last day here was the day before I would’ve left for Florida. It was doable, yet I would’ve had to switch my focus to laundry and packing which can be complicated. I need to focus on enjoying their visit and spending time with Emma. Here’s two photos. It’s funny, she’s got a Popsicle in every picture my brother sends me, yet he claims she only gets one-a-day, lol!! 🙂

OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) is an anxiety disorder characterized by a person having obsessive thoughts and then having to perform rituals. Compulsions are an urge or impulse. For example, thinking your hands are contaminated with germs and then having to wash them. It’s perfectly okay to wash your hands if there’s something on them, it crosses the line into OCD when it becomes time-consuming and interferes with daily living. I have to catch myself because I’ll continue rinsing them longer than I should, the soap is long gone down the drain. I have a frame of reference for what’s normal/necessary and when it crosses over into obsessive. I’ve always had OCD tendencies; it’s up to me to keep them in check, lol.

The most popular kinds of OCD are counting/checking and frequent hand washing. I also do the counting and checking; it’s more irritating than anything else. One remedy is called Exposure Response Prevention, don’t let yourself perform the compulsive activity and see that nothing bad happens. What I’ve noticed is the severity of my OCD is usually in direct proportion to the amount of stress, anxiety, or powerlessness that I’m feeling. Whenever a big decision has to be made, the rituals take longer almost as if I’m working out my anxiety.

What’s bad about mine is that it’s intermingled with my PTSD. Now, when I say “my” OCD or “my” PTSD, I don’t say it as a crutch or label, because I don’t want the label, yet I can’t be so naive as to think that I don’t struggle with them. Anxiety is the result of not trusting myself and God’s plan. It’s struggling when there’s no need to struggle. It’s being afraid when I have no reason to be afraid. I choose to be free.

I am worthy of love – being loved and giving love. Love is all we have. Love is all we need. God can love the fear out of the child and make everything okay again. God teaches us to be strong and honest. We show up with passion in our eyes and a mission in our heart. It’s so refreshing and beautiful that it brings happy tears to my eyes. The possibility that I might’ve inspired you to become more of who you are, makes me smile. I don’t know where this is going, and for once I’m okay with not knowing, not controlling. My heart feels what it feels. Risky? Yes. Stupid? Yes. But if you don’t risk, you risk even more.

Love is feeling understood in a world that makes us question who we are. Love is knowing that my feelings, even if they are messy, will be respected. Love speaks from the soul which is why the words don’t hurt. Love practices forgiveness because life isn’t perfect and relationships go through difficult times. Love is worth fighting for, it keeps us sane, gives us hope, and strengthens our sight. For to see with the eyes of love is to see God’s heaven on earth.

Have a great week,

Julie

Questions to ponder:

What would I rather do than struggle?

Why am I waiting for permission to do what my soul prefers?

Can I look at myself with loving kindness rather than a harsh critique?