Tell your story,

acknowledge the pain,

practice compassion,

extend forgiveness,

heal your wounds,

release the past,

envision a new future,

take baby steps,

trust your intuition,

follow your heart,

shine your light

and

live your dreams.

Blog posts by survivors giving sugary sweet silver lining stories used to bother me because all I could see were dark clouds.  I figured they hadn’t gotten much treatment thus having few side effects, or were late stage and truly grateful for being alive.  I’m not trying to alienate either camp, cancer is cancer no matter how you slice it.  I have tremendous respect for anyone who receives a diagnosis and manages to continue breathing.  I had gotten a lot of treatment and I wasn’t grateful.  It took several years for me to become transformed by my experience.  I couldn’t see the gift in the darkness.

To this day, I wonder if I’d still be alive if I skipped chemo and radiation.  The lumpectomy removed the tumor, we were cleaning up the remaining microscopic cancer cells that spread to my lymph nodes.  Most doctors would say skipping treatment is crazy talk, your first shot is your best shot.  I can’t go back and change the past, so it’s futile to dwell on my treatment decisions.  It’s my job to exercise, eat right, get enough sleep and find a creative outlet for my frustrations.

Is there a silver lining?  I suppose so.  Having cancer gave me the courage to follow my dreams of becoming a writer.  The people who understand and encourage me the most are also on a creative path.  When I doubt myself, I get off track.  When my inner critic wants to ruin something for me, I stop and ask, “What are you so afraid of?”  When I seek to inspire and be inspired, the opportunities present themselves.  When you’re in the dark, you have to search for the light.  We all need hope, healing and relief.  Challenges strengthen our character making us more perceptive and resilient.

I give myself permission to dream, dance and stumble.  To love what I love and be what I be.  I can answer my soul calling, live my purpose, declare my bliss and shine my light.

Does cancer make you ask the hard questions?  Yes.

Am I living my life in a way that is meaningful to me?  Yes.

Are there things I would’ve done differently?  Yes.

Am I still a good person worthy of love and respect?  HELL YES!

Stay strong,

Julie

Honestly, I have no experience with dating after cancer.  I do have  experience dating before cancer and chasing emotionally unavailable men.  I’ve also had several healthy long-term relationships.  I can offer insight into what I think dating after cancer should be like.  If I ever start dating again, I’ll have some real material.  For now, we’ll speculate and get mentally prepared.

Don’t lead with your cancer story.  Sure, you’ve been through hell and lived to tell about it, this will only add to your allure.  Wait until the relationship is strong enough to support the emotional weight of your story.  Your experience was important, life-changing and will always be a part of you.  It’s easy for loved ones to inadvertently minimize what we’ve been through or misunderstand what we’re still dealing with.  Relationships are hard enough as it is, and everybody has been through something that wasn’t pretty.  Honest communication is the key to having a healthy relationship.

Cancer probably deepened your appreciation for life causing you to seek out joyful, meaningful experiences.  For me, bad boys lost their appeal because my tolerance for drama and heartbreak became non-existent.  I finally resolved some of my old, unhealthy patterns.  See, cancer is a teacher.  The kind of teacher that made you work for the lesson and only gave you an A+ if you really deserved it.

Find a person who shares your interests.  Do they exercise, eat healthy and have hobbies they enjoy?  Do they have supportive family and friends?  Can you be yourself around them?  Do they make you smile and laugh?  Do they make you a priority?  Do they listen without judgement and offer helpful feedback?  Do they respect your need for alone time?  Do they appreciate your quirks and encourage your talents?

Are you creating a spiritual partnership allowing each other to grow and mature?  Do you share the same spiritual or religious beliefs?  Do they inspire and challenge you to become a better person, the best version of yourself?  Do you enjoy the physical aspects of the relationship?  Do they respect your wishes to take things slow or speed things up?  Do they help with the household chores of cleaning, laundry and cooking?  This goes both ways, are you doing your part?  These have expanded into relationship questions, but that’s where dating leads.  Good luck and you can do it!

Cancer treatment takes a tremendous toll on your mind, body and  spirit.  What doesn’t get better, you learn to live with.  I still struggle with neuropathy, lymphedema and hearing loss.  We need an understanding partner, someone who can massage our shoulders and help us fix dinner.  We need a distraction from our normal reality.  Chronic pain and fatigue are not fun.  If we aren’t proactive it’s very easy to slip into depression.  We need something that makes life worth living: a hobby, service project, children or family.  It’s much easier to deal with the bad stuff when our lives are filled with the good stuff – love, light and laughter.

I’ve spent many years thinking, no one will ever love me now, but that’s because I wasn’t loving myself.  You teach people how to treat you.  I also wondered, how will I ever compete with the women who haven’t been through hell.  My only competition is myself.  Am I trying hard enough?  Do I really want to be loved?  Am I being good to me?  The person who loves me can see the beauty in my scars and the strength in my eyes.  Going to the underworld, shaking hands with death, surviving the divine storm, whatever you want to call it, my cancer experience was a gift because it brought me here today.  I have a blog that’s helping me get closure and has the potential to help others.

Namaste,

Julie

Baby steps are better than no steps at all.  Since I’m the baby in my family, the youngest of two, I have a lot of experience with throwing tantrums, refusing to grow up and take responsibility, getting bullied and being afraid to venture out of my comfort zone.

What are baby steps?  Switching to organic milk, signing up for a class, filling out a job application, turning off the television, trying a new recipe, calling a friend and inviting them out for dinner, buying a new pair of jeans, cleaning one small area of your home, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, being grateful instead of bitter.

Why not just taking a running jump?  Because you’ll land flat on your face and nobody needs that.  Once you gain momentum from the baby steps, gain confidence in you abilities then you can pick up the pace.  It’s better to be patient and prepared when trying new things.  Of course, there’s nothing more exhilarating than asking him out, buying the new car or making the flight reservation…just make sure you’ve given it some thought, consulted a friend and feel confident that your actions are in alignment with your highest good.

Happy adventures,

Julie