I was watching a YouTube video about how chronic pain changes brain chemistry causing negativity and pessimism which got me thinking that I’ve been in a very low frequency lately. I need to shift my energy otherwise I’m going to stay stuck. Ways to move to a higher frequency: exercise, eating healthy, positive thinking, being creative, showering, sleeping well, and having a game plan each day. I’ve realized it’s better to slow down and do things right, or even take the day off, than to force myself to do something and then it gets done wrong. Well, not wrong, just not exactly right.

Once I get an idea, I’m super enthralled figuring out the details. I found a list of book fairs and festivals organized by state. I’ve been looking at them to see which ones are possibilities. I’d like to do at least five book fairs next year. So far, Dayton, Ohio, for sure. Probably the Bay Area again because it was fun. I like experiencing the vibes of cool cities. These would be Brooklyn, Portland, or Tucson. The book fairs within driving distance (always a plus!) are Bowling Green, Kentucky and Chicago, Illinois. There’s also one in Honolulu, Hawaii in April. I’m going to keep track of the dates and registration deadlines.

I remembered an idea that I had awhile back. Take a book and some business cards to the oncology and radiation offices where I had my treatment. Are there any cancer support groups in my area? I also want to see if HPB will carry my book. I checked my sales on Createspace and Kindle. I don’t do that very often because a) that’s not why I wrote it and b) it can be depressing to see no sales. I haven’t been putting much effort into marketing, and yet I’ve already sold four books this month. I have no idea who bought them. If you’re reading this, thank you! I hope you find comfort and inspiration. 🙂

I sent my mom a text about the sales, and I joked, “I’m rich now!” Then I realized, being rich isn’t about having a lot of money. Being rich is having love and passion and dreams and things that can’t be bought. There’s an Annie Lennox song, the lyrics go, “Money can’t buy it, sex can’t buy it, you can’t buy it. I believe that love alone might do these things for you.” I think part of the negativity came from being angry at myself for not being further along, feeling left behind, and not pushing myself harder. Anger is just love disappointed. Anger has a fast energy, sadness has a slow energy. I don’t want either of them. Negative emotions bog me down. I want to feel happy and free.

What have I accomplished this week? I got the story written for Cure Magazine. Hopefully, they’ll publish it on their website with the other stories. I ended up telling the bee story which correlates well with my thoughts about getting treatment. It was good practice and easy to write which makes me think it was meant to be written. I have a few more exciting plans up my sleeve, one is in November, the other is in May. They’re more like vacation/astrology/spiritual/yoga type things. We’ll see if they fall into place. My mom is encouraging me so that’s good. Even though I like my alone time, she knows that I’m happier when I’m out mixing with people.

More questions to ponder:

Am I being productive or hiding out?

What makes me happy to be alive?

How can I be of service to others?

🙂 Have a great weekend and week 🙂

Julie

August was a difficult month. I fell into a deep, dark depression. And since exercise is my natural anti-depressant, it didn’t help that I also stopped taking my walks. While these candid posts are hard to write, especially in our era of Instagram perfection and because I’m looking for a job, it isn’t going to help me or anyone else to pretend otherwise. I’m not looking for sympathy. Nobody died. I’m sharing my feelings to understand and get closure. That’s the way out. I want to be a role model of healthy thoughts and behaviors, yet I still make unhealthy choices. When I feel empowered, then I can empower others.

If my life were a baseball game, last inning felt like three strikes. I’m not going to Hawaii with my family, I’m not going to see my friend who lives in California, and I didn’t get selected for the Cincinnati book fair. Having these things happen so close together wasn’t good. My self-worth and self-esteem took a hit. It’s been extremely painful. Lots of crying. Even though I’ve spent the last few years doing a lot of inner work, rejection cuts to the bone. Once again, my mom helped me, took me shopping a few times, not that I bought much, I still have trouble being good to me. It was depressing to think we would’ve been shopping for Hawaii and getting excited about the trip.

About Hawaii – It’s sad to think that I let my ocd and phobias ruin what could’ve been a nice vacation. I feel alienated from my family. Lately, I haven’t been thinking clearly, distracted by wanting to be near my friend. When my plans to see him didn’t work out, I was left wondering – Am I so dysfunctional that no one wants to be around me? Am I ever going to function again like a normal person? This is happening to make me face the truth. I’m still struggling and it’s limiting my quality of life. The ocean, the sand, the pretty sunsets, the good food, and seeing my niece, Emma, who is so cute and funny.

About the book fair – priority is given to traditionally published authors. I’m self-published. And I probably need to work on my professionalism. I’m going to attend the fair and learn from the more experienced authors. So far, I’ve found it’s easier to get into fairs that have an entry fee rather than a selection process. On a happier note, I did early registration for the Dayton Book Expo, which is in April 2017, and I’ve been chosen as a participant. Yeah! Dayton is to the north. Cincinnati is to the south. They are the same distance away.

People need something to look forward to, which is the essence of hope, and that’s why the depression was so dark because I couldn’t find one tiny piece of hope. And instead of being happy about my car and getting a job, I just felt trapped. Instead of getting excited about my future, I got nervous and scared. The good news, I’ve made peace with my car. The new car scent is barely noticeable and it doesn’t bother me which is great. The dark interior is not that bad after all. I’m happy that it’s easy to drive and park. I have so much to look forward to, I get to start over, no pressure. I just have to be brave.

I’ve been feeling pulled in three directions rather than seeing it as three things on my plate: marketing the cancer book, working on the new book, and getting a normal part-time job. I put these things on my plate and they’re completely manageable. Each one tastes different and should be savored accordingly. Each one requires a different mindset. I need to give them equal attention rather than judging them as superior, inferior, important, or not important. I need to make a sincere effort, have the right intention, and trust my intuition.

There are two projects I’ve added to my to-do list, because God knows I needed a few more projects! Write a 600 word article for Cure magazine about a cancer-related topic. I used to read Cure in the waiting room of my oncologist’s office. Look at submission guidelines for other cancer magazines. Submit a short story (fiction) to Glimmer Train, a literary journal, they have contests each month and offer prize money. Decide which stories are not going into the book. Also a good way to get myself to work on them. Writing is what I love, among other things, I will let myself do what I love! 🙂

I want to end this post on a happy note. I am feeling better. I have hope. I wrote this blog a few days ago and considered not posting it. But if I’m not being honest, then what’s the point? I feel better when I share my feelings even if they aren’t Instagram perfect. Sharing my feelings bring me relief. Keeping them bottled up causes pain. Relief feels better than pain. I am strong enough. I am brave enough. I am me. I used to dream about blogging, and now I’m blogging. See, I’ve made some progress! I thought of a few questions to ponder…

What can I learn from this?

How can I use these setbacks / letdowns as motivation to get better?

Have a great week,

Julie

I thought about deleting last week’s post, but if I start censoring myself on my own blog then we’ve got problems. Sure, I didn’t have to react the way I did – getting hurt and upset. I’m a sensitive person and things affect me deeply. Do I need to toughen up? Probably. Do I need to laugh it off? Most likely. Am I going to be okay? Yes.

On Wednesday, I had a much-needed therapy appointment, almost didn’t make it there because Aunt Flo can be a real bitch when she comes to town. I told her about my recent heartbreak. “I sound pretty sad and pathetic, don’t I?” Luckily, I have a really good therapist and she said, “You sound adventurous.” I laughed, “Yeh, let’s go with that.”

“What do you like about him?” She asked me.

“He’s cute. He’s smart. He’s funny.” Later that evening, I thought of a few more things. He’s passionate about his field of study. He’s caring. He gets nervous. He wears glasses. He’s tall, dark, and handsome. He’s different. He’s interesting. He’s a deep thinker. Even though he’s a few years younger than me, he acts protective of me. He encourages me. He believes in me. He’s a visionary. 🙂

I’ll stop while I’m ahead. I genuinely like him. It’s not the idea of liking him or having him like me back. The more I think about it, he’s a combination of three guys I’ve known, taking the best from each one of them. But it doesn’t matter how much you like someone, if they don’t like you back and want the same things, it doesn’t matter.

“Start dating.” She told me, echoing the sentiment I’ve been hearing a lot lately. When even your therapist is encouraging you, it’s probably time to start dating. I could’ve started several years ago. I was focused on writing the book which became my reality and maybe an excuse. Am I afraid? A little bit. I’m afraid that I won’t meet anyone that I like and it’ll be a waste of time. I’m afraid that I will meet someone that I like and then have to deal with more stupid feelings. I’m afraid they won’t like me. I’m overwhelmed just thinking about it! Although, I have healthy self-esteem, I still have my insecurities.

Is he going to wonder why it looks like I have two black eyes? Is he going to wonder why my nose is crooked? Is he going to understand my ocd? Is he going to expect intimacy before I’m ready? Is he going to be a nice person? Is he going to think I’m pretty and want intimacy?

First of all, it doesn’t matter what he thinks. If I think I’m pretty, then I’ll exude prettiness. He’ll either be attracted to me or not. I don’t know why it looks like I have two black eyes. I think cancer punched me in the face or maybe it’s from chronic pain. I’ve always had dark under eye circles. I don’t wear makeup which would help cover them up. My nose is crooked because I got hit in the face one too many times with a soccer ball. Hopefully, he’ll be able to look past my imperfections. I don’t see them as imperfections. I see them as reality. I hope to meet someone who isn’t superficial. People either click or not. You can’t force things to happen. I should know.

I think having similar interests is important. Even though I don’t think monogamy is natural, in the long run, I want to be in a monogamous relationship. I’m not young and dumb. I’m not going to be easy or put up with a bunch of nonsense. I probably shouldn’t mention that I’m a cancer survivor, they don’t need to know that in the beginning. I would want to know, yet it does color someone’s vision of you, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Survivors are stronger and yet they’re also seen as vulnerable. Sometimes, I think I should take this slow and other times I think I need to speed it up!

“It’s good practice.” She said.

I have gotten out of practice, stopped practicing, gotten rusty, which is funny because the old Julie got too much practice. It’s like I’ve swung to the other extreme to protect myself from getting hurt. Time is slipping away. It’s not healthy for me to be alone anymore. It’s not that I don’t mind being alone, another person could add depth and meaning to my life. I’m allergic to cats and dogs which will narrow the field down quite considerably, it already does.

I told my mom, “I’m going to put, ‘Wanted: One Hillbilly Jackass’ on my dating profile.” “I don’t think that’s the right attitude to have.” “I know. I’m joking. I’m a hillbilly and proud of it!” “You don’t act like a hillbilly.” “I can talk like one. I’ve picked up the accent.” “You like to talk funny.” “I’m going to say, ‘Looking for friendship possibly more.'” “That’s good. Keep it simple.” “I’m going to get bombarded with messages.” “That’s the fun part.” “Oh yes, sounds like fun.” “You don’t have to message all of them back, just the ones you like.” “Okay.”

I need to get excited about the possibility of finding love again. Although this isn’t organic, I’m going to give it a try, maybe, depending on if I get around to setting up a profile. I need to be very careful and not give out personal information. There are dishonest people out there. Be selective. Take baby steps. Talk to them for awhile. Don’t fall for anyone too quickly. Meet in a public place. Trust my instincts. Choose happiness. Trust joy. Stop making excuses. Relationships help us grow and evolve into the best version of ourselves. Love is the best magic. I’m not going to forget that.

Have a great week,

Julie

Car update – it’s going good. If you read my book, you’d know that before I stopped driving completely, I was having trouble parking the Blazer. The car is much easier to park, and I’m not letting myself re-park it. I’m actually letting it be “imperfect.” Although, most of the time it is parked perfectly, lol. In the grand scheme of things, parking a car perfectly isn’t important. I don’t have the intense anxiety anymore which is great. The book is done. I don’t feel this weight hanging over me. When the anxious feelings start to come up, because sometimes there’s still a flutter, I recognize the old fears and take a deep breath. I remind myself that I have been through a lot, and I am stronger now.

First off the bad news, I didn’t get accepted into the literary festival called Litquake in SF, CA, they take well-established writers. It’s probably for the best as it is the same week as the book fair in Cincinnati, which I’m getting excited about, and it’s better to focus my energy on that fair as it in near me and will require less travel.

The good news, I got a car and it’s cool, awesome, and amazing. Now I’m Miss Thang, lol! I feel pretty fancy. It’s the nicest car I’ve ever driven. I’ve had all used cars, hand-me-downs from my mom: a Ford Escort, Mercury Topaz, Chev Lumina, and Chev Blazer. It’s so much easier to drive than the Blazer and it has speed, I love it. I was scared and worried, but that’s normal for me. Worried I made the decision too quickly or it was the wrong decision, but that’s what I do. I overthink things down to the tiniest details. I’m leasing it for three years. My monthly payments are pretty low, which is good.

I walked out to the car yesterday and thought, is this really my car? I was grinning from ear to ear. I thought I hit the unlock button and went to open the back door, but it wouldn’t open. “Hey, you’re my car now. I wouldn’t let me in either.” I hit the unlock button again and the door opened. Who knows? I’m gonna have to get some new clothes so my car will let me in. I put a necklace on, lol. My first excursion was to the grocery store which went pretty well. I look a bit stressed, it was really humid that day, and I’m still getting used to the car! Oh, it’s a 2016 Subaru Legacy Premium, Ice Silver Metallic. It looks silver sometimes and blue other times depending on the light.

After we got it from the car dealer we took it to my mom’s house. I cleaned the interior with a wet washcloth because even though the outside was shining they didn’t clean the interior very well. And it has a new car smell that will dissipate in time. I really can’t complain. It drives so well and the radio kicks butt. When we left the dealer, I accidentally took the first right and got onto the expressway. Oh my, I wasn’t ready to go 60 mph. Luckily, we had just practiced making a phone call with the hands-free bluetooth thing, so I called my mom who was behind me, and it was okay, I went off the next exit.

I like to drive fast and interstates don’t scare me, but when you haven’t driven in a year and you’ve had the car for five minutes, you don’t need to be on the expressway that soon. Our salesman, Brandyn, was very nice and helpful. He’s from Ross, where my dad was born, and he still lives in Hamilton, my hometown. He did a great job explaining what all the buttons meant. Because I always look for signs and synchronicities to help me make decisions, the vin # had 444 in it. It only had 18 miles on it. It was manufactured at a port in Layfayette, Indiana. My mom thought it was a sign that my temporary plates expire on my grandma’s birthday (her mom who is deceased.)

Okay, that’s all for now!

Have a great week,

Julie

Here’s a picture of my niece, who perfectly sums up my week 🙂

It wasn’t a waste of time, I tend to be over-dramatic. Writing the book was an essential part of my healing process and it will help many survivors for years to come. It’s probably normal to experience a letdown after publishing a book, especially one that took as long as it did to write. I think the problem now is that I have too many projects vying for my attention. I need to narrow them down, decide what’s in my highest good, and stay focused. When I relax, the path, the way, and the answers are revealed to me. I have to trust my intuition rather than what other people tell me. We each have our own truth.

I’ve decided to propose a class at the Fitton Center (which is the super cool art center in my area where I have taken yoga classes) called Art Therapy for Cancer Survivors. This makes the most sense based on the book and my art therapy degree. It’s a pretty obvious avenue to explore. I can teach a workshop or six week class. When I think about this, it makes me happy to connect with survivors and provide a space for healing to occur. All it takes is planning the class, filling out the application, typing an updated resume, turning it in, and then waiting to see if it gets accepted. Fingers crossed.

I’ve decided my next book will be fiction, possibly a collection of short stories. They fall into the chick lit, romance, and fantasy genres. They share similar themes of love, lust, and relationships. After I organized my computer’s desktop and got rid of old files, which felt really good, I found four stories that have merit. I enjoy writing dialogue. I’ve regained my focus for the most part. I did some revision on the main story and started writing a new story. I call myself a writer, I best be writing. If writing is the thing I truly love, then why do I run from it? I need to allow myself the luxury of writing. The only way to get better is through practice. If I don’t get the words out, they wake me up in the night and then I have to type them in Notes on my phone.

I’ve decided to continue applying to book fairs and festivals. I’ve found two events the same weekend in November, one is a book fair in Portland called Wordstock, the other is a healing retreat called Soulapalooza in Orlando. I’m going to talk them over with my mom and see if they are good ideas or possibilities. I need to keep an eye on the deadlines so that I don’t miss them. There’s also an Astrology retreat with the Astrotwins in May 2017 in Tulum, Mexico. I’ve wanted to go for the last three years, maybe this time! I like astrology 🙂

I’ve decided that I don’t want to move into the Artspace Lofts in Hamilton. While the rent would be cheaper, I don’t think I would be happier there. They are in an old historic building which has been renovated. I knew that going into it and wanted to see if I could get past that, nope, it made my skin crawl. While I appreciate the idea of maintaining the original architecture, I like new construction. They’re located on a busy street which would make it noisy and there isn’t close parking. It definitely made me put things in perspective and appreciate where I live now. The idea of living in an artist community sounds awesome, unfortunately that one doesn’t resonate with me.

My last blog was about healthy eating, then I turn around and tweet pictures of eating fast food with my mom. I can be very hypocritical. I think that happens when we want to make changes, whether it’s diet or exercise, we take two steps forward, one step back. My recent trip to the grocery store was a fail. Well, it wasn’t a total fail, I didn’t buy the microwave dinners except for the Morning Star Farm Chix Nuggets which I like to eat with my salads. I need to spend more time in the produce/natural food section and less time in the main store.

My mom had been out of town visiting my brother, and I was down to no food, not that that’s a valid excuse. And I bought Pepsi again. I only drink one can a day, but it’s still one too many. All in all, I have very few vices. (I’m not going to lie and say I wouldn’t smoke a cigarette if it were sitting here. That’s why there aren’t any sitting here!) The main thing is to decide what would be a good substitution. Possibly the Arizona Green Tea in the big jug? I like a cold drink with dinner and need some caffeine. Cold drink, ha ha. If I had the choice between beer or wine, I’d probably choose beer. I’m a country girl.

The car shopping will resume this month. Happy July! I still like the Subaru Legacy the best; it felt roomy and nice. She’s going to help me lease it. I saw a Scion in the parking lot yesterday after my walk, and it looked pretty cool. It felt good to take a walk, I had been slacking off in the exercise department as well. Not good. And then of course, I’m going to put my application in at a few places and try to get a part-time job. I will keep y’all posted on my progress. Exciting stuff.

To be quite honest, I fell into a bit of a depression which always happens when summer hits. I complain about the cold winter, you’d think I’d be grateful for the warmth, yet the humidity isn’t my friend either. I still want to go to the pool because I enjoy swimming. I still want to buy a blender and make smoothies. My to-do list is too long. I hope everyone is enjoying the summer by spending quality time with family and friends. Don’t count the years, make the years count!

Have I gotten anything done? Yes, I did some laundry and cleaning. I got the alumni updates done (my first ever update, lol) and they’ll  appear in the next newsletter. It’s hard to believe it’s been ten years since graduating from Southwestern College and sixteen years since Naropa University. Time flies! I still need to contact the breast cancer organizations which is next on my list. Oh, I’m going to be featured on a fellow writer’s blog this month. That’s something else I got done! Yeah 🙂 I answered the interview questions which took some thought. I will tweet about it or share the link here. Take care.

Have a great week,

Julie