Before I talk about healthy eating, which I am by no means an expert, because it’s time for me to clean up my diet and get serious about nourishing my body. I need to address something I said in the last post. It’s not that I don’t deserve to go to Hawaii with my family. It’s not a question of being deserving, that doesn’t make sense. I think they were worried my ocd and phobias would put a damper on the trip. Yes, it’s possible, but I’ve learned how to manage my symptoms. I know my triggers and how to avoid them. We even found some unscented sunscreen at Target, so that wasn’t going to be a problem.

I also said I wouldn’t be sad. You can’t make yourself un-feel your feelings unless you drown them in alcohol or numb them with drugs; neither of which I recommend. So, yes, I am sad to miss out on seeing such a beautiful place. We aren’t close like we used to be and maybe that’s okay, a lot of families grow apart over the years. People have to find new communities more similar in mindset and temperament. It’s funny, my lease is up in November and I’m thinking of moving to an artist community called ArtSpace Lofts. I heard about them last year when they opened. They’re located in my hometown which has the good water. There’s an open house this week because they have some availability. I’m going to attend and see if I want to live there.

I love my family, and I know they’d always be there for me, but they don’t understand why I had to write the book, sometimes I don’t even understand. They think it was a waste of time and money. Maybe it was. I thought it was for a good cause. The Universe paid for most of it. Don’t forget that. It took me a long time to get closure, I’m a slow healer. I wonder if it’s weird for them because they’re  in the book, or if they worried about what I would share. I didn’t cast anyone in a bad light. They know me better than that. I don’t think they would’ve wrote a book, and that’s okay, not everyone needs to share their experiences. They’re very practical and grounded. I think some people find it easier to let things go, while others hold on for far too long.

Back to the food talk. I need to start taking responsibility for my eating habits. Side note: I have mild anorexia which causes me to restrict food. I don’t have bulimia. I think throwing up is the worst feeling in the world, and I hate to touch the floor. The last time I thought I was going to throw up, I nearly had a panic attack thinking I would have to touch the floor. I put a bath towel down on the floor, but luckily the nausea passed. I had eaten too much avocado which doesn’t always sit well in my stomach. And luckily, I’ve only been hungover once from tequila, learned my lesson there.

It’s not that I don’t eat healthy, I could eat much, much healthier. There are foods I need to reduce and eliminate. There are foods I need to include and increase. I’m not going to lie, I like carbs and dairy. Those are the two groups that will be the hardest to cut back on. I’d rather eat healthy meals than try to exist on juice alone. A plant-based diet is the right direction, I need the nutrients and antioxidants. I don’t need to lose weight, I need to gain good weight. On days when I exercise, I have to eat more to replace the calories I’ve burnt off. I might start with fruit and veggie smoothies because they sound good and at least it would be trying something new.

I need to reduce refined sugars and processed foods. (If it’s made in a factory, it takes a factory to digest it.) They create an acidic environment which causes inflammation and disease. Cancer feeds on and is fueled by sugar. I need to think of sugar as poison because that’s what it really is. My anger is misdirected. I need to be angry at sugar not the chemo! I have no excuse for continuing to eat poorly. As soon as I was diagnosed, I should’ve gone raw vegan or as close to it as possible. When treatment ended I started juicing a little bit, but I continued to eat whatever my mom fixed for dinner. Most of the time, they were good meals better than the stuff I eat now. Not knowing how to cook isn’t as excuse. I could learn the basics, just a few meals.

I think it takes hitting rock bottom, being so upset about the way things are that changes have to be made. I took the above picture during a short layover at the MSP airport. I looked up and was like, “Yep, that’s about right, thanks for the sign!” I wonder if they have good food there? At least I know what doesn’t work. Look where J.K. Rowling is now, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Rock bottom is like hell, you leave with the humility God sent you there to find. I wish my family would give me credit for the book, but it’s just another thing I did wrong, not what I was supposed to be doing, another one of Julie’s crazy ideas. Why can’t she be normal? Someday soon.

I’ve been studying nutrition for awhile now wondering if I would ever get serious about eating right. It’s definitely something positive to focus on and it will benefit me in more ways than one. The YouTube videos I watch of women who are eating healthy, they look vibrant. And just think, that’s from the food they eat. They also have low stress, exercise routines, loving relationships, good sleep, and the feeling of being productive. Food is an important piece of the puzzle.

I need to increase my intake of vegetables and fruits. Create an alkaline environment in my body because oxygen starves cancer cells. I love bananas and most fruits. I love spinach and most veggies. I don’t eat very much meat, so at least I’m ahead of the game there. The hardest thing will be to stop drinking soda or maybe it won’t be that hard. I’ve heard that I’ll have cravings, so that will suck. I quit smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee cold turkey, I think that’s how I do things. I don’t know why I expect to feel better when I don’t fuel my body with the best foods available. I have to be careful because fruit still has sugar, vegetables don’t have sugar. It’s important to eat the foods that are known to slow tumor growth. I will blog about them next week.

I’m sick and tired of the nerve pain. I can deal with it in my hands and feet, but I feel it in my teeth, too. That’s just too much pain for one person to take. And to let it go on this long, to just get used to it, that’s about the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. I don’t know if changing my diet will help, but I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve heard of people who change their diet and the pain goes away, I hope mine does. I have a feeling the foods I’m eating are contributing to the inflammation. A few tiny changes could create miracles. I need to be proactive and preventative. The cancer lurks in the shadows, haunting and taunting me. I’m tired of cowering in fear. I have to fight back. I have to want to live. And strangely, after all this time, I do.

Okay, start small, next time I go to the grocery, no microwave dinners. Something needs to go in the freezer. Frozen fruit to make smoothies.  I will buy sweet potatoes and hummus. I want to make a quinoa, tofu,  and vegetable dish. For most people that’s probably easy to make. I have trouble making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Just kidding! I can make scrambled eggs, french toast, and spaghetti, the basics. Like with anything, it takes practice and a willingness to put forth the effort. If I make enough to have leftovers that would be awesome. I need to buy a blender so that I can make the smoothies. Start gathering recipes. One thing at a time, my dear! 🙂

Just an update, I’m getting my routine back on track. Get up and shower in the morning unless I’ve showered the night before or I’m going to take a walk and get all sweaty, then shower afterward. Is there laundry to do? Probably. Throw it in and walk away. Is there stuff to do on the computer. Probably. Get it done. Stop making everything so complicated. Stop overthinking everything. I have the car and job narrowed down to a few choices. Oh yeah! 🙂 I’m the coolest. Rock on. Stay strong. Be brave. Dream big. Love more.

Have a good week,

Julie