I’m going to try to keep this post short and sweet like the month of February. I have a tendency to rattle on and on. While it makes for good reading, I’m not going to leave my heart on the page again. Vulnerability is not a weakness, it’s one of your greatest strengths. The most courageous thing you can do is open up your heart. I know that. My mom showed me a poem that said, “Love is forgiving and for giving.” That’s a nice thought. Grudges are heavy things to carry. Yes, they are. If I could take back the years I spent being angry at my dad for being an alcoholic, I would, but we’re not talking about that now. Julie. What? You have to bet on yourself. You have to choose yourself. You also have to give people chances. I know that now. It’s taken me a long time to get my life back on track and feel normal again. It takes what it takes. I feel like I’ve turned into a goal achieving machine and while there’s nothing wrong with that, I need more balance in my life. Balance is good. The word for February was not discover, it was more like sleep. Besides work, I feel like that’s all I did. I’m not a fan of cold weather, so it’s harder for me to get motivated in the winter. You just need to gain some momentum. I guess so.

I was a bit vague with my goals last month which is okay. When you have as many ideas as I have, it takes awhile to sort them out. You’ll get them sorted out. Maybe I’m resting up because there are so many things I want to accomplish. No, you’re just stalling. That’s one way of looking at it. I’m going to join a dating site. You’ve been saying that for several months now. Well, you can’t rush the princess lol. I do things in my own time. You sure do. Ugh. When I get back from Denver, I’m going to create my profile. I know that’s the next step. Your friends want you to be happy. Don’t you want to be happy? Yes, I think so. I put a lot of pressure on myself which sometimes backfires. You’re afraid to put yourself back out there. It’s scary out there. You’ll be okay. I hope so. I was wondering how I could possibly top last year. It’s not about topping last year, it’s about doing the things that bring you joy. I enjoy going to music concerts and soccer games. I’m going to Utah in June for my niece’s birthday. Yeah! I’m applying to go on a survivor trip. Yeah! I want to get a tattoo to mark my ten year cancerversary. Ouch! It’s important to celebrate special milestones. Yes, it is. 

The challenge I’m going to give myself this year is to start juicing two to three times a week. I want to wake up excited about my day, excited to get out of bed, looking forward to something. I want to feel better. I bought a Breville juicer at Bed Bath and Beyond. It’s the same one my brother, mom, and me were using when my dad was in hospice. We were making them for him. The first green juice I’m going to make is a Kris Carr recipe. She’s a cancer survivor who writes books about health and healing. It’s only five ingredients: cucumber, celery, spinach, green apple, and pear. I’m going to alternate the spinach with kale or romaine. Most of my shifts are in the evening, so I don’t have an excuse. I feel like it’s God’s way of saying, you have time to do this, it’s the next step in your healing process. There’s a part of me that worries about having a recurrence. I’ve been feeling more fatigue than I usually do and it’s concerning to me. I haven’t been getting enough exercise that’s probably the explanation. I’m going to start taking my walks again and see if that makes a difference. I also want to get a blender to make smoothies this summer by then I’ll be wanting something frozen and fruity.

My goal is to stop drinking soda and reduce the amount of sugar and processed foods. My health needs to be my number one focus. I’ve been lucky these last ten years but luck runs out. I have to create an alkaline environment where the cancer can’t grow. I need to stop eating foods which create inflammation because they worsen my fatigue, neuropathy, and depression. While I do eat a lot of healthy foods, I also eat a lot of unhealthy stuff, so it’s a matter of phasing those out. I have to want to live. Every choice I make either moves me toward health or toward disease. I’ve been learning a lot about nutrition over the years. Nature is our pharmacy. My culinary skills are limited and I don’t have a lot of patience, so I need to start with simple recipes. I always feel like recipes are written in Greek lol. It might benefit me to take a few cooking classes. Julie. What? Let yourself live. Do your best, but let yourself live, for the love of God and everyone around you. You’re a riot, Sunny. I’ll do my best.

This month, I celebrated my 41st birthday with my family and friends. I’m still dealing with the fact that I turned 40 last year lol. We went to the Funny Bone comedy club at the Liberty Center. That’s my friend Kathy in the picture with me. Kathy is in my support group. She’s a two-time cancer survivor! She’s an inspiration to me. The comedian’s name was Michael Yo. I enjoyed his show. He did some music jokes that were really funny. It felt good to laugh, it always feels good to laugh. I’m counting the comedy club as my “out of my comfort zone” activity for February because I had never been there before and going to new places can cause me some anxiety. For my March activity, I went to Madea’s Farewell Play Tour in Columbus with my mom. We had a good time. Madea and the entire cast are hilarious. Tyler Perry always shares a positive message. For my April activity, I’m going to a Sunday service at Crossroads Church in Mason. I have a feeling I’ll like it because connecting to faith is important to me. Over the years, my faith has become a source of strength and encouragement.

They say the purpose of life is to find your gift and then give it away. Is writing my gift? I don’t know. I’m not writing anything other than the blog. I have a few stories started that need revision. It’s a lot to commit to writing another book which is probably why I’m content to blog. The goals that are meant for us will find us regardless of how many times we push them away. Maybe we have more than one gift? Probably. Just being alive is a gift and that’s what I keep forgetting. The sunsets, sunrises, laughter and tears, it’s all beautiful and worthwhile. Was getting cancer a gift? No. Did anything good come from it? Yes. I have a tribe now. I still don’t think I comprehend it fully, the magnitude of it all. Does it make me more special or more isolated and troubled? I’m all too quick to minimize my progress. As long as I’m gaining strength from my survivor identity then it’s okay. I need to be a warrior not a worrier. Even though I sometimes wish I were the old me, the new me is just as cool. To go through all of that gives me a vision for my life I probably wouldn’t have had otherwise.

When I was going through treatment, all I wanted to do was read chick lit books because they transported me to a happier place. I was going to try to write a whole post without mentioning cancer. Ugh. Now I’ve thought of a story to tell. Back when my mom and I were walking at Forest Fair Mall (that’s what I’ll always call it even though it has a new name) because I was trying to regain my strength, there was picture of a tiger in one of those directory things. I don’t remember what it was an advertisement for but it said something about giving a voice to the voiceless. And I thought to myself, if I ever get my strength back that’s what I’m going to do, that’s why this happened, so I would use my voice for positive things. Even though getting cancer can leave us feeling powerless, it gives us a special power we need to use for good. How can I be a source of inspiration if I’m not living a life that is inspiring to me? It’s easy for me to make positive changes. How can I keep doing brave things even when I’m scared? I have faith in myself and my abilities. What makes it all worthwhile? The connection is the prize.

Take care and be well,

Julie

Did you contact the guy? No, I didn’t. How come? I don’t know. I was waiting for the right time and now it’s too late. How so? He has a girlfriend. Ouch! You’re telling me. I shouldn’t have been surprised he met someone else. Life moves on. I told him I just wanted to be friends and pushed him away. What can you learn from this? Don’t push people away. I thought I was doing the right thing. You were. I could’ve gotten hurt worse if we had gotten together. That’s possible. There isn’t a right time, things are never perfect. No one expects you to be perfect. Perfection is boring. You just have to be yourself. I was trained to encourage people to feel their feelings. And what did I do? I suppressed mine. I’m not proud of that. I’m upset with myself and jealous of her. Why? She gets to be with him. How did you find out? I saw a picture of them and it tore my heart to pieces. You must’ve really liked him. Yes, I did. Somehow he got to me. I liked that he was loud. My ex-boyfriend was really quiet. I didn’t want to change him. Why does this keep happening? You’ve gotten used to being alone and focused on yourself. You have so many walls up even a rock climber would grow weary. Very funny. It’ll get easier. I hope so.

I feel like an idiot for thinking things were going to work out between us when neither of us were even trying. What kind of fairytale world do I live in? Don’t be too hard on yourself. Too late. I used to be more bold. I used to go after what I wanted. And now? I need something to ease the pain lol. I’m ready to create my dating profile. That has always been the next step. I know. I wasn’t going to write about this. I’m glad you did. Me too. It’s better to be honest. I had the blog done, it was going to be a normal post. We weren’t going to have a conversation even though they liked our witty banter. You needed to process this. Yeah. I met several guys who wanted to be with me and I kept chasing the one guy who didn’t. He did want to be with you. He was playing games. Your intuition is very accurate. Julie. What? Don’t take it personally. That’s easier said than done. He didn’t reject you, he got lonely, he took a different path. Try to wish him well. I do. I wish him well. Sometimes you have to lose focus to gain clarity. Maybe your paths will cross again someday? Maybe they will and I’ll say, “It took too long.” He’ll smile and say, “The best things always do.” That’s a nice ending. Thanks. I like stories with happy endings.

I’m skipping the December post, it’s my blog I can do whatever I want with it. Last year had its ups and downs, I don’t feel like rehashing them now. Overall, it was a good year, I did a lot of fun things. I’m excited about 2019. I have family and friends who care about me. I feel very blessed. They are rooting for me. I decided to choose a few words as inspiration for this year: health, adventure, connection, self-love, optimism, and trust. My friend, Jenny, gave me a challenge to do something every month that’s outside of my comfort zone. I still haven’t met my friend Christen’s challenge to go out with 15 guys. I made it to 10 and then took a break. Rather than make resolutions, I’ve made a list of things to do. Some of these things I’ve done before, some of them I might never do. I was brainstorming. I need to do things that are going to make me feel better. Sometimes the small changes make the most impact on our health and happiness. I realized something important recently. There’s a difference between not taking a risk because it’s not a good risk and being stopped by fear or self-doubt. We always know the difference deep down. It’s one thing to take a chance and it doesn’t work out, it’s another to be left wondering, what if I had been braver? So here’s to living this year with positive intentions and courageous actions!

My list of ideas: join an indoor soccer team, take a cooking class, buy a television, go to a music concert, take a yoga class, get a tattoo, go to a fcc soccer game, go on a survivor trip, join a dating site, go to the fitness center do cardio and strength training, buy a juicer and a blender, read more books, practice my affirmations, make artwork, go to crossroads church, get a massage, make a vision board, go to a comedy club, start seeing my therapist again, attend a writer’s retreat, teach an art therapy workshop for cancer survivors.

Sharing my list makes me more accountable, which is a good thing, but trying to do all of them feels overwhelming. This will be my list for the entire year. I feel like I’m so far behind. I’m always playing catch up. I wish I were further along: more healed, more whole, more loving, more giving, more fun, more like I used to be, but I’m not. I refuse to get down on myself for not being someone else. I can only be me and then strive to be better. I’m trying to be more optimistic. I go through phases of being motivated and unmotivated. I’m surprised at how much anger and resentment I still have about getting cancer and how it’s changed my life. I need to do more healing work around forgiveness and have more compassion for myself, not in a victim sort of way, in a solution-focused way. I need to stop overthinking and sabotaging things. I deserve to be happy, too. Life is messy, and if it isn’t then we’re not living it right. I’m the one who needs to learn how to love. I’m the one who needs to lighten up. I have so much to share. I’m the prize. They should be chasing me, and I have to let myself get caught. Everyone is unique that’s the beauty of life. When we are being ourselves, that is when we are the most radiant and powerful.

I’m such a strong person. The things I’ve been through have given me an interesting perspective, yet I often doubt my wisdom. I doubt all of the things I should believe. Most days, I feel confident like I’m on the right path. My faith is strong. I’m doing the right thing. That isn’t to say I don’t want to veer off the path or take detours or wrong turns. I just know where they lead – to a dead end. I don’t want a quick fix. I don’t want to lose the things that mean the most to me. It’s okay to slow down and just be, instead of this constant state of motion which allows me to avoid facing my feelings. I need to push myself and make the most of each day. I think it’s about following my excitement, what makes me most excited? Right now, I’m excited about going to CancerCon in Denver in April with my friends Kathy, Rachael, and Jenny. I’ve been busy making plans for that. I’m excited about joining a dating site. It’s taken me a long time to feel like putting myself out there again. I need some new stories for my blog lol. How did I become such a hopeless romantic? It might have something to do with one of my babysitters, instead of watching cartoons, I remember sitting in front of the TV watching soap operas. No wonder I was kissing boys on the playground in elementary school lol.

I’m still working at the library. I work 19 hours a week. I have four 4 hour shifts and one 3 hour shift. I’m there five days a week. I like my coworkers, the environment, shelving books, and helping people. Most of my shifts are in the evening, so I have to make good use of my mornings and afternoons. It’s a busy library. There are always books to shelve and things to do. Having a routine is good for me, it gives me structure and purpose. It gets me out of the house. I feel comfortable being there. I’ve made several new friends. I’m glad it’s close to where I live since the weather has been bad. One weekend, we got ten inches of snow. Luckily, my brother bought me a heavy duty snow scraper for my birthday last year, it helped immensely to remove the snow from my car. Every once in a while I hear a song that catches my attention. I heard it on the plane ride home from Utah. I watched a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory and Being Serena which is about Serena Williams the tennis player. There was a pretty song playing at her wedding reception called, “May I Have This Dance” by Francis and the Lights. I didn’t know who it was, it kinda sounded like Peter Gabriel. If anyone is looking for a wedding reception song that one is perfect.

I think what scares me the most about dating is that I’ll have to open up and be vulnerable which sounds funny because I share way too much on this blog. Maybe it’s easier to be honest to a silent audience? Words are only words, there is so much more to intimacy. I don’t want to lose myself. Although, there’s a Depeche Mode lyric, “It’s only when I lose myself in someone else that I find myself.” That’s an interesting idea. I want someone in my life, besides my family and friends, who motivates and encourages me. Maybe I want too much? I’ll figure it out as I go along. I’m worrying about things before they happen. Just like with writing my blog, I don’t know exactly what I’m going to say or how it’s going to turn out. Of course, I think it over in my head for awhile before I start typing it. I like having the odds in my favor lol. I write bits and pieces of it on paper or in Notes on my phone. I get inspiration at various times usually when I first wake up. Once I get over the initial hurtle of beginning the post, the words are more than ready and then it’s just a matter of revision. I’m going to continue blogging this year because it’s therapeutic for me. I have to let each post stand on its own for how I was feeling at the time and then move on with my life.

I want to be with a guy who makes me feel calm and loved. That’s all I ever wanted and some hot sex lol. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who understands my need for space and solitude. Someone who has patience. Someone who inspires me. Someone who likes my family and friends. Someone who has their own ideas and passions. Someone who can hold me. Someone who can help me with things. I think that’s why God keeps me single because I wouldn’t get my work done, I’d lose my focus. Other times, I think it’s because I wasn’t ready and He was sparing me the hurt. It’s funny, I’m completely happy being alone. I’ve learned a lot about myself, things you can’t learn when you’re in a relationship. I also know there are things I’m missing out on by not having a romantic partner. I have to decide that my fantasies are not enough and instead create a real connection. I have to stop pushing the nice guys away. I need to trust myself more. I want to feel safe enough to let the guy into my world because he’s shown me in his actions that he’s trustworthy. I want to be with a guy who really likes me and chooses me over all of the other girls because that’s really something. And I would choose him, too, in a heartbeat because these moments slip away. I think love is more of a recognition or an awareness. When we have it for ourselves, we can give it to others. We can exist and co-exist. Love is often hidden and sometimes hard to find, yet it’s what we need to survive.

Take care and be well,

Julie

If you can tell by the title, I’ve decided to do monthly posts, although, some months I might blog more depending on what’s going on.

I’ve become a bit farsighted, not literally of course, I mean figuratively or metaphorically. I can’t see near, all the amazing opportunities around me haven’t appealed to me for various reasons. One, I don’t want to put down roots here, even though I’ve been back in Ohio for ten years. I left Santa Fe in 2007 when my dad got sick. My mom is doing fine now, she’s had the same boyfriend for eight years, she really doesn’t need me anymore. And I am many years past the normal recovery time for cancer treatment. Two, the “person loses interest in things that used to bring them joy,” really has rung true for me.

Cincinnati is home to a wide assortment of concerts, sporting events, activities, and museums that are all available to me. Because I have a good knowledge of art, music, and sports, I often see something of interest: a band, a game, a festival. In the past, I wasn’t healthy enough or was waiting to get stronger. I’m never going to be 100% again and that’s okay. I don’t want to keep missing out on life or let my health deteriorate even more. This year, I’m choosing to become more involved in my city and at the same time planning things in other cities. I don’t like winter and cold weather. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a city that doesn’t have nice weather.

What worries me is that I’ve been experiencing a lot of fatigue almost as if the radiation fatigue has doubled back somehow. The funny thing is, thanks to the universe, I’ve found so many wonderful things to do and they are what’s getting me out of bed in the morning. The things I can do in my city are: volunteer, get a part-time job, start dating, and go to the activities mentioned above. I feel like trusting people again and realize my isolation, although I did it to protect myself in the beginning, has become a defense mechanism that’s holding me back and limiting my quality of life. So yes, I’m excited and looking forward to a better year! I hope you are, too! 🙂

So, what plans are in motion? I’ve applied for the book fair in Berkeley that takes place in early June. I’m waiting for confirmation of acceptance. My friend, Christen, has already agreed to go with me, which is awesome, we’re going to have an awesome time! For that, I need to order books, get the table stuff ready, make things to sell, decide on hotel and flight. I have some time. Actually, the Dayton Book Expo comes first, it’s in April, so I need to get ready for it and figure out what I’m wearing to present myself in a way that looks cool, casual, confident, and comfortable. I might have to go shopping, especially to buy materials if I’m going to make things to sell.

Regarding the cancer survivor camps, I received an email from First Descents, probably the coolest one, they’ve opened up their 2017 summer camps. I can choose between rock climbing!!! or whitewater kayaking!!! I know, right? 🙂 They’re in cool locations, too: New York, Oregon, Washington, and Montana. Both activities seem scary and  challenging. Even though I’m somewhat afraid of heights, I’m leaning towards the rock climbing. Kayaking looks fun, too. I need to decide for sure and let them know before the spots fill up. Right now I’m out of shape, yet I consider myself to be athletic and that would give me a boost of confidence. And I sincerely look forward to the experience of bonding with other survivors.

The Love Your Life 30 Day Project, the link is in last month’s blog, is really helping me to focus on what’s working and what changes need to be made. It reminds me of an art therapy activity where the client answers the miracle question. If you could wake up tomorrow and your life were exactly the way you wanted it to be, what would it be like? Where would you live? What would you do for a living? Who are your friends? What do you do in your free time? What brings you joy? And then the client draws a picture of their future self once their dreams have come true. It’s a really neat exercise, one that puts things in perspective. How near or how far are we from our ideal life?

Have a great week,

Julie

This is the first blog of 2017! 🙂 Here’s to many more… I’ve been waiting to write this because I’ve wanted to let my thoughts settle and prevent myself from making grand declarations of change. Yes, I want to make some changes, but they’re going to be SMART: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely. I’m going to set goals and intentions rather than resolutions. How do I want to feel? Happy, healthy, strong. Energetic, inspired, connected. Relaxed, peaceful, grounded. I’m going to take small steps in the direction of my dreams – follow my highest excitement, give it careful consideration, and then don’t talk myself out of it. The Universe is guiding me towards my highest good. I will listen to my inner wise self and trust that voice. Change requires courage, hard work, dedication, and encouragement.

When you think about it, change involves creating new habits or reinstating old ones. I remember something Tony Robbins said, he’s a motivational coach who helps athletes and performers get back on their game. “What were you doing that was working that you stopped doing?” That’s pretty powerful. I can think of a few things I stopped doing that were contributing to my health and happiness. Those are things I need to start doing again. It seems like people have similar goals for the new year: exercise more, eat healthier, find time for creativity, and deepen friendships because these things cultivate feelings of self-love and inner peace which makes us all feel better.

I have a few updates for my readers who are genuinely concerned about my well-being and whereabouts. First, the doctor’s appointment. I get a gold star for putting on the gown and letting her touch the lump which she decided was an epidermal cyst. She reassured me that it was probably nothing. Well, in 2009, the gynecologist “reassured” me the 2cm tumor was “probably nothing.” I did feel reassured that day, but it’s still hurting. She said the pain could be caused by inflammation. The next step would be an ultrasound, which was useless last time, or have a surgeon remove it, if it continues to bother me. It’s been bothering me for two years, so I might get it removed this year just to put my mind at ease and quit being bothered by it.

I wanted to clarify something I said a few posts back about the Berkeley book fair. I had looked at the application on my phone and didn’t realize I was looking at the wrong category. I’m a small publisher not a large publisher. So when I said it was too expensive, that wasn’t an accurate statement. And interestingly enough, the Chicago book fair is more expensive. I haven’t made my final decision about the book fairs yet. If I do apply, I will write about it in the blog and then list it on the newly created “Events” tab. Exciting stuff. I’m a website wizard! 🙂

I’m doing a “Love Your Life in 30 Days” project that you can find here: http://www.tut.com/index/tut30days. All you have to do is sign up and get started! You can start late and catch up, they aren’t too difficult. Well, they’re meant to challenge you to make changes and create a more fulfilling life, so I guess they’re a good activity for me. I’m actually a few days behind, but that’s okay. You get a daily email with the writing prompt and explanation video from Mike Dooley. I had just bought a new journal from Target, so it worked out perfectly. I have a feeling the activities will become more fun and challenging!

About the cancer survivor camps – I’m really excited 🙂 about the possibility of bonding with other survivors and continuing to heal from the experience. I’m in contact with Mindy from Athletes for Cancer – Camp Koru and Colin from Epic Experience. My doctor faxed the medical release forms to them. I’m on the waitlist for spring Camp Koru, which is surfing and stand up paddle boarding. If I don’t get into the May camp, I’ll be given priority to attend in November. For Epic Experience which is near Denver, Colorado, I was already asked to join their winter camp in February, but I don’t like cold weather enough to want to go skiing!! Hopefully, I’ll be able to join them in the summer when they go kayaking and horseback riding.

I think a big theme for me this year is to push myself to do more while being kind to myself along the way. Less criticism, judgement, and comparison. More compassion, encouragement, and acceptance. I am grateful for the good things in my life: a warm place to live, food on the table, and people who love me. I am very blessed. God is good.

Have a great week,

Julie

Or rather how I plan to get out of my rut. Winter is here and I hate it. Sorry, that doesn’t sound very optimistic. Honest, yes. It’s very cold outside and since I don’t have much meat on my bones, it makes it that much worse. I couldn’t bring myself to take a walk today, even though I know how to bundle up and face the cold. I’m going to have to start exercising indoors. I keep telling myself to embrace winter and see it for what it is: a time to rest, recuperate, and reflect. The flowers will bloom again and everything will be lush and green.

I live in Ohio which has four distinct seasons. To say I’m looking forward to spring and summer is an understatement. And trying to get out of a rut while going into winter could be a bit of a challenge. Needless to say, I need to think about moving to a warmer climate. I moved into this apartment in November of 2012. The first few years went pretty good, the last few not as good. I just renewed my lease for another year and it will be up in November of 2017. I’ve lived here a long time, but the book is done, that’s why I needed to be here. Now, I need to move forward onto a new path which I think will become clearer as the year progresses.

I’m hoping it will be a job opportunity, friendship, or relationship that allows me to find a new living situation. And I know I have everything I need right here. I can juice here. I can exercise here. I can write and make art here. This apartment as far as apartments go is wonderful, and I’m very grateful to live here, I just think I could be happier in a different environment. I’m too isolated here, but that’s because I’m not being very social. Back to the original topic of getting out of a rut. I’ve started showering in the morning and getting dressed rather than staying in my pajamas. I’ve noticed I’m a lot more productive when I show up for the day. I can then do laundry or clean or exercise or go to the grocery store. It’s a completely different mindset.

Okay, so what else? I need to get a haircut. It’s gotten really long and unruly. I never got it fixed after I let my mom cut it back in May. I have to braid my ponytail because it’s just that long, and I like to keep it out of my way most of the time. I need to get the lump looked at to see if it’s a recurrence or nothing. I need to start eating healthier and exercising more. I need to stay positive and optimistic. I need to start dating. I need to get a part-time job. I need to continue marketing the cancer book. I need to continue writing because it makes me happy. I have a list of fun things to do next year, and that keeps me going. I just hope that I am well enough to do them. I have to be well enough to do them. I have to keep fighting and surviving. I’m a survivor and that’s how I can inspire others – by not being angry or bitter. By continuing to love and learn and look forward to warmer days and starry nights.

Have a great week,

Julie

On Wednesday, I had a much-needed therapy appointment. She helped me to figure out a few things and gave me some new ideas. We talked about how I didn’t register for something I was excited about doing. That night, I knew I had made a mistake. Letting my fears overpower my courage was a form of betrayal, and it gave me a sickening feeling. I doubted my ability and said it was for the best. But why should I cancel my plans to spend time with people who had no problem excluding me from their plans? If I get really honest, the message at the center of my being was, “I don’t deserve to go. I’m not important.” Ouch. If that doesn’t break your heart, I don’t know what will. How did I pick up that message and what’s a better message?

My name is Julie, and I love myself. I’ve had to say that a few times this week. It’s probably the hardest affirmation to say, yet the most profound because it hits the core of your being. I deserve to go. I am important. My needs are important. People should never be made to feel like they’re unwanted, there isn’t enough room, or their issues are too much to handle. It isn’t their fault. I chose not to go with them. I’ve talked with my mom a few times this week and they’re having a good time. Even though they weren’t intentionally trying to hurt me, unspoken messages got passed onto me quite similar to the ones I received growing up in the home of an alcoholic. My job is to practice forgiveness and compassion, anything else is unproductive.

My therapist reminded me that I can still register for the retreat in Orlando, all my indecision has cost me is $200. There are still rooms available, when I looked the next day they were sold out. I guess they opened another block. Of course, that night I got an email about a healthy eating and fitness retreat in Hawaii which sounds awesome. She also suggested looking for a writer’s retreat, what a great idea! There are a few in Taos, NM that have caught my eye. I’m hungry for another adventure, something that makes me feel alive, a way to get unstuck and out of this rut. My friend, Matt, posed a good question, What am I most passionate about? I think that’s the problem, I’m passionate about so many different things. I need to narrow it down.

My friend, Mike, wrote his blog this week about resistance, and I couldn’t help but wonder if looking for retreats is my new resistance tactic against getting a regular part-time job. Well, it’s not, if I’m also applying for jobs and sending out my resume. It’s funny how creative my mind can be when it wants to stall or ruminate or dream. She also reminded me how I am doing better. I have a car now, and I’m driving myself around, which doesn’t seem like much to most people, but it’s a big hurdle I’ve overcome. I’m even parking in the front row rather than feeling like I have to be in the back row out of everybody’s way near the handicap sign. I suppose the car has helped my self-esteem.

I was going to blog about PTSD this week since I touched on OCD last week. Unfortunately, I have a good understanding of both. What caught my eye and what I didn’t go back and fix – I admitted OCD is my crutch maybe even more so than being a cancer survivor. Like my therapist mentioned, if I really want to do something, I will, and the busier I am, the less time I have to make things perfect. Things can’t be perfect. What does folding my shorts “perfectly” really do besides cause me frustration? It’s something I can control and do right, yet the ritual in itself doesn’t make sense. Sometimes life doesn’t make sense, and other times it makes complete sense. I like those days.

This time when she suggested I should start dating again, I didn’t cringe at the thought, nor did I have a strong reaction or hesitation. I’m trying to look for the good. Maybe even resign myself to the fact that there could be nice guys in my town. I’m not rushing to create a profile. I think relationships are important, and maybe it would be fun. She said that I sound lonely. Sometimes, I am. I used to be scared of being home alone, maybe that’s why I made friends with an angel. Other times, I have so much to do there isn’t time. I remember what Sunny said to me, “That’s the only thing you have time for.” He’s right. Love makes me smile. Love makes it all worthwhile. 🙂

A Course in Miracles states, “Every choice you make is either an expression of love or an expression of fear, there is no other choice.”

Have a great week,

Julie

I’m a list maker, a planner. I like to be organized and prepared. I can rewrite the grocery list several times before it’s perfect. I have several to-do lists going. I usually write a daily and a weekly. It finally dawned on me to separate my computer to-do list from my home to-do list. As my mom likes to point out, “You have post-it-notes everywhere.”

I like a 5 x 8 writing pad and the normal 8 1/2 x 11 notebook. I love good paper. I also like a good ballpoint pen. Pilot makes a good one. This blog is pretty boring. My intention before I got sidetracked was to list some goals to hold myself accountable. Things I want to accomplish and focus my attention on this year.

1.  Review page samples from Ryan on Friday. Choose font/headings I like better.
2.  Review typeset manuscript when he’s done. Give him final edits and revisions. So far I’ve only found nine things, very minor stuff, unnecessary quotation marks and commas. I’m tired of reading the manuscript. I will be happy when this project is completed.
3.  Upload interior and cover to CreateSpace and Kindle. I have both accounts ready to go. Decide on price for paperback $9.99 – 12.99 and e-book $2.99 – 4.99. Decide on glossy or matte cover.
4.  Order paperback proof so that I can look it over before making it available for sale. Go ahead and make e-book live.
5.  Give my editors the PDF so they can provide review on Amazon.
6.  Do a happy dance, because hallelujah the book will be published. Drink a margarita. Amen.
7.  Get part-time job, buy car, exercise more, eat better, work on fiction stories, make affirmation cards, get laundry caught up.
8.   Make doctor appointment for check up. Look into Reiki healing and EMDR for PTSD. Make salon appointment.
9.   Blog some of the material that got cut from the book. It went from 56K to 50K words!
10.   Be confident 🙂

Well, that turned into being more about the book. Oh well. All good.

Funny story, Morgan said we will have another video call so I can hold up my book. Hold up my book, I laughed, I’m going to throw it out the window! 🙂 Just kidding.

And thanks to my mom, I have Adele’s song, “Hello,” stuck in my head. She bought the c.d. because she likes it so much. She asked me if I’ve ever heard the song, so I watched the video on YouTube and now it’s stuck in my head. She is a good singer with perfect pitch and emotional depth.

Cheers!

Julie