There’s a quote from the movie, The Princess Bride, that popped into my head recently, and it seems very fitting for what’s been going on in my life lately. Inigo Montoya says it to Westley at the end of the movie. “Is very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it’s over, I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life.”

Inigo is talking about how he spent years looking for the six-fingered man who killed his father. How does this apply to me? Well, I feel like I’ve been in the revenge business, trying to get back at the cancer treatment by telling my story. Revenge is based on anger and feeling like we’ve been wronged and in need of vindication.

Forgiveness is the only true vindication. I have to take responsibility for my choices and quit being a whiny baby. I’m glad Inigo killed Count Rugen. I can’t kill the cancer. I can change my thoughts and behaviors. I recently caught a cold, a sore throat, which forced me to slow down even more. It’s a wake-up call that I’m not relaxing enough. I need to spend more downtime on the couch, find a better balance between work and play.

In some ways, I have been hiding out. Using cancer as a crutch to stay sick and avoid life. Although I have sincerely been working on the manuscript so that it will be very good, I didn’t have to disappear and live in my fantasy world. I can’t protect myself from something bad happening again. In some ways, my isolation has made me worse.

And yet, there’s a Natalie Goldberg quote that doesn’t make me feel so bad about leaving the world to write my story. “Know that you will eventually have to leave everything behind; the writing will demand it of you.” I think this goes for any profession that you feel passionate about. Hard work isn’t easy; it’s not supposed to be, but in the end, it will be worth it. No, the book isn’t perfect, and that’s what makes it perfect. I am becoming comfortable with imperfection.

It is what it is, and I’ve done what I’ve done. I’ve made choices, good and bad. I’ve made sacrifices, good and bad. Writing a book is a huge accomplishment, and I am worthy of success. I should be the first one to believe that rather than the last. Thank God, I have a good team around me who reminds me: I have worked hard and it is amazing. I bawl my eyes out because a part of me knows the book kicks butt, and the difficult path was the right one.

I’m starting over, my new life awaits me. What’s funny is that a few years ago, I filled out this form about what I wanted for my future, and I wrote down to have an “exciting life, job, friends, and success.” Even though I’m still struggling with anxiety, depression, ocd, ptsd, chronic pain and fatigue, I feel like my dreams are coming true. I didn’t mention love on that questionnaire, how unlike me!

I’m new to this blogging thing, still learning what’s appropriate to talk about and how much personal sharing feels comfortable. And I need to make sure I’ve revised the post before I publish it! Keep it as a draft for a few days. Patience is indeed a virtue. This is a picture of Buttercup from the same movie. This is the scene where she realizes she’s fallen in love with Westley, her farm boy who becomes a pirate. The expression on her face is awesome. Love does that to you.

Have a good week,

Julie

Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all else will be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33)

Ironically, I’ve never worked as a florist. So, where have I worked? You name it, I’ve worked there. Not really, but I have worked in many different stores.

My first job was as a waitress in a small family run restaurant known for their banana cream pies. The meringue was four inches high. The pie lady was quite notorious for her pies. I worked there while I was in high school. When I didn’t have soccer practice, I waited tables after school from 4-9pm. Some nights, I made $40 in tips! I enjoyed multi-tasking and having to remember everything.

I’ve been a cashier in arts & crafts, books & music, clothing, and health food stores. You might recognize some of them: Michael’s, Hobby Lobby, Borders, Starbucks, Kohl’s, Plato’s Closet, Jungle Jims, The Vitamin Cottage, just to name a few!

I’ve been a soccer referee, magazine telemarketer, counselor aide/med tech at a drug & alcohol treatment center, and a claims representative at an insurance company. I’ve also worked as an art therapist during my internship with children, the elderly, juvenile delinquents, recovering addicts, and in an open studio.

I enjoyed working at all of these jobs for very different reasons. Each job taught me a new set of skills. I’ve had some issues along the way, which I think is par for the course. I’ve been fired, I’ve quit, and I’ve walked out. I can be stubborn and inflexible. I’m also very kind, dependable, and hard working. I’ve experienced a lot of success and promotions, too.

I’m still trying to find my job, career, life purpose. I’m getting closer 🙂

Cheers!

Julie

To commemorate my 38th birthday. You don’t look 38, I know, right?  Some days, I feel more like 68. My birthday was on February the 9th.

I decided to write a list of 38 things about me. Here goes …

1.  I was born in the morning on a Thursday during a blizzard.
2.  I’m not a morning person.
3.  I’m a night owl.
4.  I like cheesy love songs.
5.  I played flute in the concert band.
6.  I don’t like scary movies, at all!
7.  I’m allergic to cats and dogs.
8.  I’ve never broken a bone.
9.  I like beer more than wine.
10.  I’m naturally athletic.
11.  I don’t like red or green peppers.
12.  I don’t like spicy food.
13.  I’m boring.
14.  I worry too much.
15.  I like peanut m&m’s.
16.  I like parties.
17.  I like fortune cookies.
18.  My middle name is Renae.
19.  I have one older brother named David.
20.  My niece is the cutest baby in the world.
21.  I’m not having kids.
22.  Labor scares the hell outta me.
23.  I have a good memory.
24.  I’m an old soul.
25.  I like rainbows and sunsets.
26.  I’m good at word puzzles.
27.  I was raised on country music.
28.  I’m smart, but I’m always the last one to get the joke.
29.  I don’t like makeup or perfume.
30.  I can’t sing very well.
31.  I like to dance and have fun.
32.  I like to laugh 🙂
33.  If I don’t get a good night sleep, I’m grumpy.
34.  I like quotes and inspirational things.
35.  I don’t like really hot or really cold weather.
36.  I have to think of two more things.
37.  My idols growing up were Madonna and Mary Lou Retton.
38.  I write really good blogs! 🙂

Probably more than anyone needed to know.

Cheers!

Julie

I hope you survived the holidays and are sticking to your new year’s resolutions. I was smart and didn’t make any. Winters are rough for me, I don’t like cold weather. Why do I live in Ohio? I have no idea.

I made it to one of two holiday family functions, pretty good. And I only heard one asinine comment about single women who are doing great things must be lesbian, like that’s an insult. Is that the best you got? I’m not a lesbian, I like men, everyone who knows me knows that.

Just because I’m focusing on myself right now, why is that so threatening? There are days when I’d give anything to have a boyfriend and shoulder massage. Someone to laugh at my jokes and tell me everything’s gonna be alright. I know it doesn’t have to be either/or, I can have a relationship and my creative projects. Luckily, I have great friends who lift me up when I’m feeling down.

Recently, I quit coffee cold turkey, which I don’t recommend. There’s a weaning off process that makes the transition easier. I’m drinking green tea now. I’m not getting the same amount of caffeine, so I’m going through a tiny withdrawal, but I feel better overall. I’m not bouncing off the walls. I read that if you’re going to switch, green tea is an excellent choice because it has naturally occurring amino acids that increases alertness like coffee but in a calm way. I’m all for calm!

I was drinking two cups of Starbucks House Blend in the morning which equals 200mg of caffeine. Two cups of Bigelow Green Tea is a mere 50mg. The receptors in my brain are adjusting to less caffeine, that’s what causes the mild headaches. I will look forward to an occasional grande soy vanilla latte from Starbucks. The health benefits of green tea are phenomenal and it tastes good with honey. I might try different flavors of tea for variety.

I do intend to publish my book this year. Good things take time. Patience is a virtue. I’ll finally have some much needed closure. I’m getting excited about marketing and promotion. I vow to  share my message in a heart-centered way. There are many adventures that await me as a published author. At first, I was like, I don’t want to tell anybody about the book. And then I thought, you didn’t spend the last three years writing it, to keep it a secret. I’m funny.

How can people read it, if they don’t know about it? How can it help people, if I’m not willing to be brave and vulnerable? I’m spending money on it, the editing, formatting, and cover design, which means something because although I like nice things, I don’t spend money that easily, it has to be on something I really want and find of value.

I need to start blogging more. It’s good practice, it’s therapeutic, someone might be listening and find comfort in my words. I don’t know whether I should set a schedule, like every *insert day* or when inspiration strikes. I think setting a goal is probably more effective.

So, I’m going to blog once a week, hopefully more! 🙂

Hugs,

Julie