I’ve been wanting to write this post for some time now, but I needed to let my thoughts settle and make sure I was blogging about something useful to me and everyone else. How do I know if my words are going to be useful to you? I don’t. Maybe if you’ve been out of the dating scene for awhile because of a health issue or divorce, this might resonate with you. I have to speak my mind and search my heart for clarity because confusion feels like darkness. Although, the darkness has it’s place and something to teach us as well, it’s the light that heals and brings peace of mind. It seems the last post wasn’t well received and I think it’s because I overshared about my dating adventures. I’d like to say this post is not about dating and everyone can breathe a sigh of relief, unfortunately, that’s what’s been up for me, so I’ll be sharing more revelations. I could congratulate myself because for the longest time I wouldn’t even step into the dating world.

I received some flack for not liking the nice guy who seemed great. Just because someone seems nice and great doesn’t mean they are. Everyone has issues and their own agenda. It appeared as though I don’t like the good guys and only want to chase bad boys because I like drama. If my memory serves me, I was with a really nice guy for eight years and I was very happy, so that claim doesn’t hold water. I do have to be careful because I had an alcoholic father and will always be somewhat drawn to emotionally unavailable men. Do you really think I want more drama in my life? Cancer is enough drama for two lifetimes. I have to be physically and mentally attracted to someone. I want a friend and a lover combined. I shouldn’t have to settle for anything less than that. When someone inspires me to be better, to become the best version of myself, that’s awesome. We need that rather than someone who tells us lies and has fake feelings of adoration. I’d rather sleep alone than to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate who I am and what I have to give. Yes, these are just words, it takes heroic action to even attempt such love. I’m getting ahead of myself because I’m such a hopeless romantic.

One of the fellas, and I’ve decided to stop using names to protect everyone’s identity, contacted me again wanting to see me. He was the very first guy I went out with. I saw him a second time and met his son. I have enough information to make an informed decision, and I don’t see us in a long-term relationship together. I was attracted to him initially but the more I got to know him I realized, while we do have our health issues in common, we don’t have anything else. When I asked him what he likes about me, he couldn’t think of anything. And then he said, “Everything.” And I said, “Name one thing.” And he said, “We get along good together.” Oh no. I need more than that. I want to be with someone who likes my hair, my smile, my eyes, the way I talk and the way I walk. I’d have the same adoration that’s how love works. It’s maddening and amazing. I know it takes time to develop those feelings and you grow to like someone’s quirks, but I refuse to be someone that someone is settling for, that would break my heart. To know he’s with me only because he’s comfortable with me. How depressing is that? I deserve so much more.

I went to the FCC soccer game with my mom and friend, Christen. We had a really good time. I’m glad we have a professional soccer team in Cincinnati. It’s about time! I was telling Christen about my dating life and how I had fallen pretty hard for one of the guys and overreacted when I felt him pulling away. She gave me a challenge – I have to date 11 more guys before I can fall in love with any of them. Wow! That would make a total of 15 since I’ve met 4 guys so far. I can still see any of the original 4, I just have to keep dating new guys. My brother gave me some good advice: just be friends and get to know them, have fun rather than trying to turn it into a relationship. One of the guys gave me some good feedback – I seemed anxious.  Well, I have generalized anxiety, so it’s quite possible I would’ve seemed anxious. And since I actually liked him that might’ve increased my anxiety even more. There are worse things in life than being anxious. I think dating takes practice, learning not to fall for someone you barely know just because they seem very interesting. I wonder if making the dates shorter and simpler would make it easier for me? Probably.

Feelings of infatuation cause the brain to release norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin, which is why people sometimes enjoy dating, lol. There’s nothing wrong with letting yourself fall for someone especially when they share the same interests, it’s just like heaven. I didn’t do anything wrong and I should be glad to have met someone that I actually like even if it has caused me some pain. Two things I’ve learned: don’t give your heart away until they ask for it and you can’t keep a person who doesn’t want to be kept. Something else good came out of this. The other day when I was crying, I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I thought to myself, I am so beautiful, and it wasn’t an affirmation. I felt it deep down. Sure I have days where I doubt myself and my talents. Days when my body hurts and I’m tired of being strong. Days when I wonder if I’ll ever get my life back on track. Nights when I want to drink a beer, watch television, and be held by someone who cares about me. Nights when I’m grateful to be warm in my bed and protected by my angels.

I know I’m doing better than I was, even better than last year. My progress always plateaus and I find myself face-to-face with the things I’ve been avoiding like getting a part-time job. Not that the things I’ve been doing instead weren’t wonderful. I have survivor friends and a supportive community. I don’t feel so alone anymore. It’s a blessing to have people who understand. I don’t regret any of it except for the painful sunburn, swelling, and blister, that wasn’t fun! I’m the only one I know who can go to paradise and get injured. As long as I keep choosing the right path everything will be okay. I’m still too isolated which is part of the problem. I want to get a job, it’s time. It’s been time for some time now. I think it’s important for me to get a job close by before winter sets in because we get a decent amount of snow and bad weather. I’m actually looking forward to the challenge, learning something new, and making a few new friends. It’s taken me a long time to become well enough to be able to help others. Getting a job will be a huge accomplishment.

I had to stop my mind from automatically wanting to find fault and cut myself some slack. Why don’t I have a job already? Because I was healing and writing a book. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. The Universe provided for me. Why has it taken me so long to get better? Healing takes time. Why can’t I be like the other girls who aren’t a problem? You’re not a problem to the right person. There’s a line in a Ryan Adams song, “I used to feel so angry, now I only feel humbled.” I can relate. I was angry at God for taking my dad away. I was angry about getting cancer and the damage it did to my body. It’s taken me a long time to be humbled. I don’t want to die now. I hope the treatment worked. I have no idea. I’ll never know. And things don’t change until our attitude changes, maybe that’s why I was stuck for so long. That’s why we have friends, to remind us that some things are more beautiful for having been broken and with enough love broken things can be mended. I am stronger and wiser. Amen.

Have a great week,

Julie

This month I’m going to talk about dating and my experience thus far. I went to a speed dating event that was good practice, but ultimately didn’t turn into anything. I found the guys to be too young or not my type. I only said “Yes” to two of them and only one of them said “Yes” to me and then we never emailed each other. It was good to see that six out of the nine guys said “Yes” to me since I was nervous and thought I had made a bad impression. My mom thinks I’m being too picky and not giving them a chance. I think it’s okay to be picky because I can’t fake feelings of adoration. I also joined a popular dating site, one that I had been reluctant to go on. Between being allergic to cats and dogs which eliminates many of them, a cancer survivor which adds some degree of seriousness, I’m not getting as many messages as I probably would have. And yet, I’m getting enough to keep me busy. If nothing else, it makes me laugh, some of the messages are hilarious. You never know, the love of my life could live in my own town.

I think I got tired of meeting and falling for guys who live in other states. I’m talking about you California and Colorado! When you know or meet amazing guys, it raises the bar. I’m a deep thinker. I shouldn’t have to apologize or dumb myself down. That being said, I’m not that complicated! I’ve noticed I’m too quick to sell myself short and dating requires a lot of effort. I’m definitely learning what I like and don’t like. Regardless of whether they’re naughty or nice, they all have the same end goal, just different ways of going about it. My first date was with Charles. He’s very sweet, charming, and good looking. We had an innocent, flirtatious banter right from the beginning. Let’s just say, kissing him made up for seven years of solitude. I was like, thank you Jesus. Hallelujah! 🙂 I’m a pretty good kisser and I’ve done my fair share of kissing back in the day, so I know what I’m talking about. I definitely enjoyed the movie and dinner date.

It would be better if I had a part-time job, something else to occupy my free time. Sometimes, I miss having a work schedule and find myself somewhat lost. I’m happy to report I’ve begun working on the next book. If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know this has been a constant struggle. I’ve decided to call my writing a hobby in the hopes that it will take the pressure off. Writing brings me joy and I feel lost without it. I know what writing a book takes: passion, focus, solitude, feedback, and devotion. It’s hard to be in both worlds. It’s hard to stay balanced. I nearly went insane last time. It’s takes a lot of courage to step back into the arena. Luckily, I’m writing fiction this time which is much easier and I have an awesome group of friends who motivate me to be brave. I don’t feel lonely anymore. This book has a lighter tone making for a more enjoyable read. I’m not starting from scratch, I’ve been writing bits and pieces of it over the last few years when I had breaks from the cancer book. I wasn’t sure where the story was going. I might end up doing a collection of short stories. It feels good to be in the creative mode again.

I have a feeling athletes, musicians, writers, and artists experience burnout more often than we’d care to admit. We forgot why we love what we love because it gets wrapped up in other things. We have to fall in love with the process all over again, seeing it as a gift rather than a burden. By stepping away from it, I have fresh eyes to fix the problems and through blogging, I’ve become better at writing. I find writing to be very healing and empowering. It’s something I can do on my own, no one can take it from me, and eventually it can help others. When I was recovering from cancer treatment, my mom and I went to Books-A-Million and bought a stack of books for me to read. It was the best thing in the world. I picked the fun, easy-to-read chick lit books usually with a love story because they cheered me up. I became the character in the book instead of the sick girl with cancer. That’s what I’m hoping to do for someone else. If my gift is words, and I’ve tormented myself wondering if it is, then that’s what I have to offer, that’s my purpose. Not all escapes are bad, some are quite necessary.

It’s taken me over a year to get back into “serious” writing. I thought I was being lazy, because I still don’t give myself credit for anything, but my friend, Mike, doesn’t think I’m lazy, probably one of the best compliments I’ve received this year. I got tired of being alone which should come as no surprise, I’ve been alone for quite awhile. While it has made me stronger, I’ve almost waited too long and now appear somewhat desperate or can’t be as discerning. I’m old enough to know better, but love is like a drug and logic can go right out the window. I want to meet a man who doesn’t need me to change the core of who I am, which is impossible anyway. I want to meet a man who makes me feel calm rather than agitated, loved rather than neglected. I want to meet a man who can handle my need for freedom without getting worried. I don’t want a man who falls at my feet nor do I appreciate being ignored. I guess it doesn’t work until there is equal adoration. I want sparks and butterflies. Why wouldn’t I?

Dating is a very strange process that takes time and energy. The dating scene has changed a lot and yet it hasn’t changed at all. There are a lot of people looking for love and affection, conversation and connection. I’ve started taking my walks again which feels amazing. I went swimming at my apartment’s pool, it was very relaxing and great exercise. I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow, it needed to be trimmed a few months ago. I bought a Vera Wang dress at Kohl’s for Heather and Kyle’s wedding. It’s very pretty with a green, blue, purple, black, and white flower design. I’ve enjoyed looking for a dress, it has forced me to get in touch with my feminine side. What’s more feminine than a dress? I want to look good and be presentable at my cousin’s wedding. She looks up to me. I’ve missed two family weddings, sorry about that, and have some catching up to do!

My haircut turned out great. I’m really happy with it. Rhea, a hairstylist at Mitchell’s salon, cut off 4 inches and gave me face-framing layers. Don’t worry, I can still put it up in a ponytail! It feels better to have a shape and style. I figured out why I wait so long between appointments – my hair fell out during chemo. I had some anxiety during the haircut. When I saw a chunk of my hair slide down the black smock and land on my lap, I tried to stay present. I grabbed the hair, tossed it on the floor, and said some encouraging things to myself. I’m getting a haircut. I feel safe with Rhea. She’s been cutting my hair for several years. It’s going to look better. We were chatting about boys and music which is a good distraction. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Why do we hold onto things that no longer serve us? Why do we get used to feeling bad? I felt tired today. I didn’t feel like doing much. I wanted to curl up on the couch and watch a movie, which is pretty hard to do without a television! I ended up taking a long walk. Fresh air + sunlight + exercise = health. If you subtract a few letters, lol.

I have had a negative experience from online dating, it was with the first guy I started talking with named T. He’s six years younger than me which might explain the difference in maturity. A few weeks ago, I was looking at profiles on my phone and accidentally liked his photo. We got to talking and then stopped when he admitted to being a pothead and wondered if I was okay with that. I’m not okay with that. I don’t like when people aren’t present with me. I don’t have anything wrong with cannabis or it being used medicinally, I’d just prefer not to have a partner who smokes weed. Somehow, we got to talking again, call it what you will, loneliness, whatever. The texting escalated pretty quickly. Let’s just say he wasn’t texting to hear about my day. And since this dating thing is part research, I continued texting thinking if nothing else it’s material for a story. And I thought he was cute.

T asked me if I’d be interested in some nsa/fwb fun. It took me a minute to figure that one out – no strings attached/friends with benefits. Hmmm. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, if both people agree and stay safe. Might as well get high, too. I’m just kidding. Laughter is good medicine. Is it easier to do that and walk away? Hit it and quit it, as they say. Or is it easier to form an emotional bond and actually care about the person? I think there are two mistakes we make when dating: taking the easy route or forcing things to happen, both of them kill the magic and make a mockery of love. Relationships take time, they’re frustrating and difficult, but in the end it’s worth it. When you have someone who cares about you, that’s a priceless feeling. He was pressuring me, and I felt like a coward for not accepting his offer because a part of me wanted that, why wouldn’t I? I’m human, I got needs. Then I remembered what it felt like to sleep with someone I barely knew. It didn’t feel right.

What happened though, and I should probably be glad because it kept me from getting myself into a bad situation, he admitted to there being two dogs at his house belonging to his friend. I don’t know why, but I immediately knew they were his girlfriend’s dogs. Yep, she’s out of town, doesn’t want to know about it, but she’s okay with it. Oh my. This is just baffling to me. One lie after another. We had even talked previously about how I’m allergic to dogs and he didn’t have any. That same night, I was also texting Brian who is very polite and not being overly aggressive. I told him about T and he said, “Get a hooker, if that’s your intentions.” I told T to hire a hooker and that shut him up for a minute. He kept talking and I texted him, “One day you’ll realize you’re more than your dick and then you’ll stop acting like one.”

Once he realized he wasn’t going to get any, he switched his tactics to wanting to grab some wine. First of all, you don’t grab wine, you grab a beer. Second of all, why would I want to grab wine with you now? I told my mom about him. She said I need to screen them better or be more selective. I agree. Luckily, there are guys who won’t take advantage of my ignorance and vulnerability. Guys who respect women rather than treating them like a piece of ass. Although, I’m realizing even the “nice guys” just want to get in my pants. I must have some nice pants, lol. Maybe it’s okay to be seen in a sexual light and I’m the one who’s being too prudish. I’ve always struggled with my sex appeal, feeling more like a tomboy, and in some sense the only sex appeal I have, I have nothing to do with. I feel comfortable in my own skin and don’t try to impress others. I could spend more time on my appearance and present myself in a way that makes me feel more attractive. It only mattered that I was slender and attractive, that was his criteria. I don’t know whether to feel insulted or flattered.

I’ve noticed when I get messages from guys who seem really nice, my first instinct is to find a reason not to like them. Case in point is John. He eats clean, works out, and the conversation is great. He asked me about the koru necklace I’m wearing in my profile picture. I didn’t have an initial attraction to him and worried there wouldn’t be any sparks. Good grief, sparks can burn a house down! At first, I pushed him away saying it was the distance because he lives a bit further away, then I contacted him again and we planned a hiking date at the Cincinnati Nature Center. I had a really good time. Before y’all get too excited, I don’t think he’s the one. I know he’s not the one. He’s a great guy, but he’s not my guy. Even though we kissed a bunch of times, there weren’t any sparks. And no, it isn’t something that will come with time. I thought about that, too. He wants a relationship. He’s further along in the dating process, I’ve just gotten started. I talked with him today. He thinks the world of me, which is good for my ego, but I don’t feel the same way about him. It’s nice to be on the other side for once. I can see how silly I was to chase guys who weren’t that into me. I hope John and I keep in touch and become good friends.

Have a great week,

Julie

I can’t stop my heart from calling out your name. God made me for you, this much I know is true. He gave me this body for you to ease my mind. He gave me this mind for you to caress inside. Deep as the ocean we swim like dolphins, carefree and awesome. I think love is my purpose along with all of the others: faith, hope, and courage.

You have to bet it all. I’d rather play it safe. Safe won’t get you castles in the clouds and sand at your feet. What if he doesn’t like my smile? Honey, your smile gets him out of bed in the morning. I barely know him, this is absurd. Stop thinking and feel, your feelings are real. Sometimes, your thoughts turn you into your worst enemy.

It is going to work because love is stronger than fear. Because the angels are cheering for you. Because I’ve waited a whole year just to see him again. I know I sound foolish, so call me a fool and I’ll take it as a compliment. Butterflies, cloud nine, hallelujah. Then we become grounded in the joy and strength God gives us.

Don’t listen to the voices that keep you up at night, they are filled with envy, they are filled with spite. Everybody wants a good old-fashioned storybook ending: toe pick and as you wish. They had to put up a fight, they had to walk towards the light. You can live the life you want to live. Just listen to your heart and you will be alright.

Have a good week,

Julie

I’m waiting for permission. I’m waiting for a sign. Some call it stalling. Some call it wasting time. You and I both know we could have something divine. No one but my soul knows which path is mine. Every time I walk away from the light, I stumble, trip, and fall. We are here to give, and in giving we receive because love is cool like that.

It was written all over your face, and yet you claim otherwise. Two words I’ve heard a hundred times, “Hi Julie,” sound completely different coming from you. I didn’t mean for this to happen; it wasn’t written on my to-do list. It happened slowly over time; it became undeniably sweet and compelling. While I can deny my feelings and pretend it doesn’t matter, at the end of the day, I think about you.

You doubt my love which is the only thing you should believe. I owe you more than that, I owe you symphonies. I’m being too honest. I sound desperate and everything comes out wrong. We only want what we can’t have. We crave a challenge. We like mystery. I’ll be your paradise vacation, stars twinkling, laughter, and kisses.

I’m scared. You’re scared. Let’s be scared together. Reality is harsh. I know what reality does to relationships. If we’re not careful, life will chip away at everything we’ve created. I also know when two people weather the storm together, the storm runs out of rain. I’m strong on my own. I can be strong with you. I can’t get back on track because there isn’t one. The angels want me to find my own freedom.

I want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me. I want you to be brave, even when no one is watching. I want you to have faith, even if it’s in the stars. I want you to be grateful because God doesn’t make mistakes. I want you to hope with all of your heart that the love you need will find you and keep you warm at night. Amen. God bless.

Have a great week,

Julie

(It’s Halloween, and I’ve written what looks like a Valentines’ day post, lol 🙂 I will have another blog up soon.)

Word scramble answers: faith, tranquil, journey, grateful, strength, courage, passion, dreams, magical, blessed.

I hope that was fun and you figured out the words! I’m sharing them a week early because I feel like blogging again. So, what’s been going on? What’s happening? Why did I take a break from blogging and Twitter? Was it a good idea? Have I been more or less productive?

Well, to make a long story short, I felt like I was tweeting too much and not working on the short story collection. Yes, I’ve started working on them, so that’s good. Then I realized blogging and tweeting are therapeutic; they hold me accountable for showing up and sharing my thoughts and feelings. (Although, at the moment, I think feelings are stupid, and I’m stupid for having them.) They give me routine and structure. It’s also a good way to give and receive inspiration.

Even though it felt good to disconnect from social media, I started to feel too disconnected. It’s like those silent retreats, they are very beneficial, but the world always brings you back. Once again, I pulled an all-or-nothing rather than slowing down or finding a better balance. Speaking of slowing down, I bought Starbucks, lol 🙂 I found this little gem at the grocery store. Oh dear, let’s just say there’s a bit more caffeine in espresso than green tea, lol, and it tastes pretty damn good.

Something interesting happened on Tuesday, July 26th. I was out in the parking lot talking to my mom. She had driven over because the appointment was in my direction, and then we took my car. Anyhow, she asked me about someone, “How’s it going with, have you talked to him?” And I can’t help it, I break into this stupid smiling/giggling thing like a giddy teenager (which I won’t be doing anymore, and if I do, I’m going to kick myself.) It surprises me and my mom that I have such strong feelings for him. I don’t let myself fall for guys that easily, nor do I meet many guys that amaze me. (But the fact that I’ve been crying my eyes out today is not amazing. When am I going to learn?)

I answered her, “No, not really, he gave me the results of the science  experiment early, but that doesn’t mean anything.” All of sudden, I look up to my left and in the sky is one of the biggest heart-shaped clouds I’ve ever seen. I said to my mom, “Look at that!” I took a picture with her phone because mine was in the apartment. I had just walked back down to tell her goodbye. It was just a coincidence. I’ve got to stop believing in silly fairy tales.

When I got into my apartment, I looked at my phone. He had followed me back on Twitter and sent me a message which is kind of a big deal. It was probably just a friendly gesture, and I took it the wrong way. I reached out to him to see if he wanted to spend some time together. Of course, he lives far away and it was a dumb idea. He finally emailed me back. He likes to think things over, whereas I’m impatient and foolish. He was trying not to hurt my feelings. He’s very nice to me. But he doesn’t want to see me, he’s seeing someone else, he’s not interested, he thinks I’m a lunatic, I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I want to know why I’m such an idiot and why it hurts.

I’m going to look on the bright side because I’m just coming out of a downward spiral and I’m not going back down. My heart works. I’m motivated to continue living and getting better. Life is hard, we don’t talk about the bad stuff, the dark days, the messiness. And that’s one reason why we need people, to help us get through the good and bad.

I don’t want to be alone anymore, even though I have another book to write and enough projects to keep me busy. I just feel alone. And nobody should feel alone. But I don’t want to be with just anyone. I really like him. My feelings aren’t going to change. I’m not naive. I’m not vulnerable. My feelings are real, they are all that I have, they keep me going. But this is hurting me, and I hurt myself enough. I’m going to start dating and give someone else a chance, although they’re going to have to be pretty amazing to make me forget about him.

I’m not going to settle. I’m not going to be unhappy. I think I have a lot to offer. Most days, I’m sane and reasonable. Some days, I’m even happy and grateful. I have to try. I have to want to live. So that’s where I’ll be – living, loving, and learning. Everything happens for a reason and even though it sucks at the time, it’s somehow for the best. I thought the Universe brought him to me, and maybe It did. It was like, if you get the book done, you’ll get to be with him, and I did.

Now that I have my car, I can get a part-time job. I’ve only applied at one store. They’re looking for full-time right now, so I need to apply elsewhere. I finally sent an email to several breast cancer organizations and magazines about featuring my book in an article or story. I’ve received one reply so far, so that’s exciting. I’ve got to get better at marketing and promotion! I need help; it’s hard to do it alone.

Have a great week,

Julie

Here are a few pictures of my niece because she makes me smile!!! 🙂 The little artist, gardener, and sleepy time!