There’s a quote from the movie, The Princess Bride, that popped into my head recently, and it seems very fitting for what’s been going on in my life lately. Inigo Montoya says it to Westley at the end of the movie. “Is very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it’s over, I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life.”

Inigo is talking about how he spent years looking for the six-fingered man who killed his father. How does this apply to me? Well, I feel like I’ve been in the revenge business, trying to get back at the cancer treatment by telling my story. Revenge is based on anger and feeling like we’ve been wronged and in need of vindication.

Forgiveness is the only true vindication. I have to take responsibility for my choices and quit being a whiny baby. I’m glad Inigo killed Count Rugen. I can’t kill the cancer. I can change my thoughts and behaviors. I recently caught a cold, a sore throat, which forced me to slow down even more. It’s a wake-up call that I’m not relaxing enough. I need to spend more downtime on the couch, find a better balance between work and play.

In some ways, I have been hiding out. Using cancer as a crutch to stay sick and avoid life. Although I have sincerely been working on the manuscript so that it will be very good, I didn’t have to disappear and live in my fantasy world. I can’t protect myself from something bad happening again. In some ways, my isolation has made me worse.

And yet, there’s a Natalie Goldberg quote that doesn’t make me feel so bad about leaving the world to write my story. “Know that you will eventually have to leave everything behind; the writing will demand it of you.” I think this goes for any profession that you feel passionate about. Hard work isn’t easy; it’s not supposed to be, but in the end, it will be worth it. No, the book isn’t perfect, and that’s what makes it perfect. I am becoming comfortable with imperfection.

It is what it is, and I’ve done what I’ve done. I’ve made choices, good and bad. I’ve made sacrifices, good and bad. Writing a book is a huge accomplishment, and I am worthy of success. I should be the first one to believe that rather than the last. Thank God, I have a good team around me who reminds me: I have worked hard and it is amazing. I bawl my eyes out because a part of me knows the book kicks butt, and the difficult path was the right one.

I’m starting over, my new life awaits me. What’s funny is that a few years ago, I filled out this form about what I wanted for my future, and I wrote down to have an “exciting life, job, friends, and success.” Even though I’m still struggling with anxiety, depression, ocd, ptsd, chronic pain and fatigue, I feel like my dreams are coming true. I didn’t mention love on that questionnaire, how unlike me!

I’m new to this blogging thing, still learning what’s appropriate to talk about and how much personal sharing feels comfortable. And I need to make sure I’ve revised the post before I publish it! Keep it as a draft for a few days. Patience is indeed a virtue. This is a picture of Buttercup from the same movie. This is the scene where she realizes she’s fallen in love with Westley, her farm boy who becomes a pirate. The expression on her face is awesome. Love does that to you.

Have a good week,

Julie

Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all else will be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33)