I got to thinking about how meeting new people, whether it’s a job, class, support group, church function, picnic, party, or even for coffee, can cause a person to feel nervous. I used to get extremely nervous when I had to give speeches in high school and college. I would turn 50 shades of red and barely get the words out. Even though I had my note cards and knew my classmates, there was just something unnerving about having that many eyes on me. Needless to say, I do much better one-on-one or in small groups. Even when I led the art therapy groups, I was much happier when I had a co-facilitator. I don’t know if I still have stage fright, it would be interesting to find out.
Why does meeting new people cause us anxiety? Because we have a natural tendency to want to make a good impression. We judge ourselves harshly and imagine the worst. The other person might appear calm and collected, yet they probably have some butterflies in their stomach, too. Sometimes, it’s better to say, “I’m a bit nervous.” Take a deep breath and laugh about it. Sharing vulnerabilities is how we build trust and intimacy; it’s also how we learn who we are and what we want out of life. We all want to be seen as perfect, but that’s just not reality. And there’s a pretty good chance the other person already thinks you walk on water.
I’ve learned the hard way that it’s better to show up imperfectly than to miss out on something wonderful. It’s easy to be preachy and give advice, but don’t get me wrong, I struggle with these things, too. Self-love is a daily process. That’s why it’s helpful to have friends who remind us of our good qualities and want the best for us. Even the people we trust the most can do things that upset us. Disagreements are bound to happen, yet we’re able to forgive because we know that the other person’s intentions were kindhearted rather than mean-spirited.
I got to thinking about the term “unresolved grief.” Does grief ever get resolved completely? Probably not. Does resolved grief dishonor the person you were grieving? No. My dad wants me to be happy. Being sad dishonors him and the way he raised me to be strong. I was mad at my mom when she got a new boyfriend, two years after his death. I didn’t understand how she could possibly love someone again. We honor the dead by living well, and my dad wouldn’t want my mom to be alone. Her boyfriend takes her places and they have a good time. She doesn’t love him like she loved my dad. She told me the second time around is different. I don’t think so. I always want the real thing.
I’ve settled before and spent a good deal of time with someone I didn’t even like that much. My dad had just died and I didn’t want to feel again. Life didn’t matter anymore. Then I got cancer and my life turned upside down. Almost as if God was saying, “Show me that you give a damn.” I know love isn’t the answer; it’s one of the answers. People aren’t perfect. Love is perfect. We get blinded by love, because love is the brightest light. We get giddy, like kids roasting marshmallows at their first campfire. And then we get scared. We mess up love, our chances at love, and love just laughs at us. When it’s the right time it’ll happen, without an ounce of force.
What are my plans after the book fair? Continue the “car shopping.” I’m glad we didn’t by a car back then, it would’ve just sat there and we knew that. Now that the book is done, I’m ready to drive again. I don’t have to be here in my self-imposed exile anymore. I’m tired of getting triggered by my mom’s perfume, so it’ll be great to have my own car and leave whenever and go wherever I want. Not having a car has served it’s purpose, now I need one in order to move on with my life.
Test drive the Nissan Sentra and Subaru Legacy. Decide which one I like better. Lease one of them. Yes, I’ll have to conquer my fear of parking, and park imperfectly just to spite my OCD. From what I’ve noticed, the more I want to live, the more I can win the battle. The small cars felt weird because I was used to the spaciousness of the Blazer, but now I’m used to my mom’s car. I also got hung up on the interior colors: black felt like a black hole and beige was just yucky. The Nissan has a gray interior, so that might be a good compromise. I need to be grateful instead of fussy and difficult! 🙂
I’m also going to start applying for part-time jobs, I can still write in the evenings or mornings. It seems the more time I have, the more time I waste. I need to decide which book to work on next: the love story or the fantasy story. I’m thinking about applying to Half Price Books, there are two locations near me. Or there’s an open studio for people with developmental disabilities to make and sell their artwork. I would actually be using my art therapy degree … ten years later! A friend told me about the place several years ago. Who knows there could be other jobs I haven’t even considered?
Slowly but surely, I’m getting my laundry caught up, which is a good thing. Laundry is not one of my favorite activities. And if I would do two loads in one day, the process might go a bit faster. I’m trying not to worry about my upcoming adventure, do as much as I can to prepare and then trust the process. It occurred to me that this adventure is like going from 0-90, which is an old pattern of mine. I completely skip 45, which would be the middle path instead of going to the other extreme. That’s one of the ACOA characteristics. Ugh.
Funny story, I got the email about where to ship the books, but I completely forgot about ordering them over the weekend. On Monday, I talked to my mom on the phone, and luckily she asked me, “So, did you get the books ordered?”
“OMG!!!” I yelled and almost fell off my chair. “That would be like going to the wedding without the ring!” Since they want them shipped from my FedEx to their FedEx and then held as a pickup; it’s a two-step process which takes longer. I thought I’d be shipping them from CreateSpace to the event. Now, they’re going to my mom’s house first and then we’ll ship them out there. No big deal, just a slight scramble and change of plans.
P.S. In case you’re reading this, I have more to say. I don’t want to email you and hear another eloquent denial. We both know that I didn’t imagine it. I might not be playing with a full deck, yet I have enough cards to know reality from fiction. I shouldn’t have assumed or insinuated or put you in a no-win situation. I didn’t realize the seriousness of my accusation. I grounded, but I didn’t shield, because I don’t know how. I didn’t think it was a threat. Now, I just feel weird out about it. I don’t know who did it. I guess it could’ve been a complete stranger. I don’t want to speak from hurt feelings and say things I’ll regret later, so I won’t. When all is said and done, I’m still your biggest fan.
Have a good week,
Julie