February began with another wake up call, one that I really needed. The guy I had fallen for told me he just wants to be friends. Let’s just say I took it really hard and wondered what I did wrong. He did like me. I know that for sure. I shouldn’t have stopped dating but my feelings for him made me not want to go out with anyone else. I wish I hadn’t of been such a scaredy cat. I was trying to protect my heart. The funny thing is, I got hurt anyway. Eventually, I’ll meet someone who wants to be in my life. Maybe he wasn’t the guy for me and I wasn’t the girl for him and that’s why it never worked out. I regret not making more of an effort to see him. It doesn’t make any sense because I wanted to see him. Now I realize how important intimacy is for health and happiness. I fell for him because he is strong, smart and handsome. He sent me memes which made me laugh. He likes music and playing the drums. He is tall, loud and outspoken. I thought he was going to be dorky based on his profile but he turned out to be really cool. He’s been through a great deal of pain in his life too. I hope we both find happiness because we both deserve it.

I’ve learned a few things. Don’t ever chase a guy. If he’s not making any effort there’s a reason. He’s just not that into you or he’s seeing someone else or he’s given up. What saddens me is that there was potential between us, there were feelings, we had some similar interests, then it turned ugly because we disappointed each other. Anger is just love disappointed. We didn’t get our reps in, that’s a phrase I’ve heard a dating coach use. Try to see the person once a week or every other week or at least once a month otherwise it gets stale. He seemed to be very busy. The few times he wanted to see me, I was busy. I got tired of his excuses, “I’m a train wreck.” I can give you a run for your money on that one. The whole point of friendships and relationships is to help the other person heal. I let my fatigue and insecurities get in the way. I’m so used to being the sick person, having to take it easy and not overdo it, that I had trouble switching gears. I’m still trying to figure out how to be a normal person. I’ve gotten used to being alone and doing my own thing. I had such a strong physical attraction to him that I probably wouldn’t have gotten any work done lol. There’s more to life than work. I guess so.

Over the holidays, an old coworker of mine from Liberty Mutual came into the store. He had been like a father figure to me. His wife died of cancer several years ago. A few weeks ago, he sent me an email to tell me what he liked about my book. He said there was one line that stood out for him, “Even beautiful things become ugly if we don’t take care of them.” I think he was referring to his marriage while I was referring to the lack of cleanliness in my bathroom lol. It’s true in both cases. Beautiful apartments and relationships deteriorate if we don’t take care of them. Not everyone is meant to be in your life and they bring a hard lesson. Sometimes you can remain friends, they’ll bring you sunshine and laughter again. You’ll just have to wait and see. I think I should start dating again. The whole point is to meet someone you’re compatible with and feel comfortable around. You have to let things happen organically. I was too much of a control freak. I couldn’t just let it be what it was. I needed more reassurance than I was getting from him and yet I blamed myself.

This time, I’m going into online dating with an open mind and willingness to meet someone. I have to be somebody’s dream girl lol. Maybe it took getting over my initial reluctance and sarcasm which was just a defense mechanism. Now I can say my intentions are pure. Christen told me to be patient and not to settle. I don’t think I was settling with him. He actually made me want to be a better person. At least I’ve had some dating experience and don’t feel like a complete newbie. I’m going to go with the flow rather than trying to force things to happen. I talked with my cousin, Heather, about dating. She said it took meeting a lot of guys before she found the one she got into a relationship with and eventually married. They’re expecting their first baby in August. I’m really excited for her! She said she had so much practice by the time she met Kyle that she was able to relax on the date and just be herself. She said she had almost given up. When it’s time for people to meet, they meet. It takes both people putting themselves out there. She was only on the site for a week when he messaged her. That’s fate, the work of the angels.

I’m writing this post from Utah. I’m visiting my brother, sister-in-law, and nieces. It’s good to get away and spend time with my family. My nieces are growing up so fast. Emma will be three in March and Mary will be one in June. Mary isn’t feeling good, she’s been crying a lot. She has a cough, cold and fever. The doctor finally figured out she has an ear infection and gave her some medicine. I hope she feels better soon. They have pretty blue eyes like their dad and grandpa. They are very precious. I think a part of me is sad that I’m not going to have a baby even though I never really planned on it. The idea of labor has always scared me and I have enough trouble taking care of myself lol. The possibility has always loomed on the horizon so it’s natural to go through some kind of grief around it especially with turning 40 this month. I can be a great aunt which is a pretty cool thing! It’s very beautiful out here, the open space allows us to think clearly. It’s also nice to watch the Olympics, the athletes are very inspiring. Their dedication to the sport they love is truly remarkable.

I’m going to create a new dating profile and see where that goes. I’m not going to mention the fact that I’m a cancer survivor because I don’t want it to be their first impression. I’m going to continue applying for part-time jobs. I felt better when I was working, it gave me structure and helped me to feel more worthwhile. Having a job also kept me out of trouble. Sometimes, what you think is trouble is exactly what you need. For real, I get tired of behaving and wonder why I don’t let myself live. Several of my birthday messages were about having more fun. They’re right, I could let myself enjoy life more. I bought beer at the grocery to drink every once in awhile or when I have company. I thank God for teaching me about humility. Love doesn’t give to get, love gives to give. Love doesn’t get old unless it’s forsaken then it turns bitter, something that could’ve been so beautiful. It’s okay to have needs and sometimes get clingy. We should help each other to be strong instead of tearing each other down. I regret saying mean things, it wasn’t nice and he didn’t deserve it. I wanted butterflies in my stomach, I sure as hell got them.

My birthday was February the 9th. I feel old, I’m over the hill now lol. Christen said I’m young at heart, so that’s a good thing! I celebrated my birthday a few times. I went to the Olive Garden with my mom, aunt, and cousin. I like the eggplant parmesan. I went to dinner at Cancun and a Cincinnati Cyclones game with my friends Christen and Melissa. I had a really good time. I’m going to Takahsi, a sushi restaurant, with my family in Utah. I like sushi, it’s yummy. We ended up getting pizza instead because the restaurant was packed. I have registered for Cancercon, an annual gathering for the young adult cancer movement, it’s in Denver in April. I’ll be meeting up with Lauren, Jenny and Rachael, my survivor friends from the First Descents rock climbing trip. I look forward to seeing them. I think the conference will be fun and educational. I’ve signed up for several sessions and activities. I’ll write a blog post about my experience. I need to stay positive and keep making progress. I’m tired of winter and ready for spring. Even though I’ll complain about the heat and humidity, I’ll be able to take my walks and see my favorite tree.

I’d like to start working out because it will help me in so many ways. If I can get my fitness level up, I can join an indoor soccer team. Yeah! I used to enjoy playing soccer. I have a natural athletic ability. I used to play forward and score goals. What better confidence booster is there? I’ve shied away from running because the last time I ran was seven years ago. I had just finished radiation. I was having a terrible pain at the base of my skull and worried the running had caused it. It wasn’t the running, the chemo had damaged my heart and nerves. I didn’t need to be running when I could barely walk to the mailbox. I am better now and my body is strong. I still worry about having a recurrence which is why I need to stop putting toxic foods into my body. Sugar is poison. I have to want to live, really want to live otherwise I won’t, it’s as simple as that. Yes, most of the time, I’m all talk, but not all of the time. I hope everyone is doing well. Take care.

Have a great month,

Julie

Update: I got my dating profile set up on a site I’ve never been on before. I chose three photos and kept my answers short and sweet. I’m talking to a few guys. My allergies to cats and dogs definitely narrows the field down. Wish me luck! 🙂 Unfortunately, I have a cold and sore throat. I’m not feeling very well. 🙁 I haven’t been sick in awhile. We’re getting a bunch of snow tonight, hopefully we’ll be able to fly home this week although it’ll be hard to leave my nieces.