I am beautiful. I am amazing. I am loved. I am filled with healing energy. I am a beacon of God’s light. I trust this day, I trust my way. I am breathing for a purpose, God show me the reason. Thank you for your love, I am amazed. Amen. 

Those are the new affirmations I was supposed to put in last month’s blog post. Inner work is not always easy or fun but it’s essential to our well-being. They sound like a prayer. Perhaps that’s what they are, prayers to combat negative self-talk. Our foundation, our core, has to be filled with self-love. Without it, we make bad decisions, get unbalanced and seek validation from others. Seek validation from God. He loves you unconditionally. He will reflect His love back to you. It might be a beautiful lake, snow covered mountain or graceful hawk flying high above you. God’s love is unending which is why we can count on it. To quote the singer Toby Mac, “Human love falls short of God’s love.” That’s not an excuse to treat people badly or excuse bad behavior. It’s realizing we’re going to make mistakes because we’re not perfect. We let each other down. We let ourselves down. We reach for a love that’s bigger than us when we’re struggling to find comfort and peace of mind. We start over and try again. When we find the right path, darkness becomes light, grief turns into joy, and tears change to laughter. It’s worth waiting for. It’s worth praying for. Our souls choose peace, our egos create war.

Thank you Will McAdams for rescuing my website after it had been hacked. After four days of not being able to log into WordPress, I emailed him knowing he’d know what was wrong or point me in the right direction. Will is a graphic designer. He told me not to worry. He’s encountered the problem before and would be able to fix it which was magic to my ears. It’s frustrating not being able to work on a creative project, so I typed the post in a word doc until I could get back into my dashboard. In what seemed like the blink of an eye, it took a few days, he brought my website back to life. Yeah! He saved me a lot of money that my server wanted to charge to fix the issues. Will and I have been friends for many years. He’s also one my brother’s best friends. Eight years ago, I finished cancer treatment and was struggling to get back on my feet. I joined his affirmation group unaware of how powerful the practice would become in my recovery. I’ll always be grateful to him and the group for showing me the light. He’s married to Laura and they have a son named Jack. If anyone needs print or web design, I highly recommend his services. Will’s website is: http://www.willpowereddesigns.com

I have a few more dating experiences to share. I’m slow at dating, well, I’m slow at everything so that makes sense. I should start drinking coffee again so I can bounce off the walls too. Next month, I’m going to talk about the changes I’m making in my diet, changes I’ve been thinking about for awhile. I was talking to my brother about life and he mentioned the idea of momentum. For people who have chronic pain, fatigue or depression, maintaining momentum is the hard part. I have a feeling eliminating sugar, dairy, wheat and processed foods will improve my life in many ways. Being a cancer survivor and eating the way I do is hardly inspirational. I was able to quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey. It takes effort and discipline. I have the knowledge. I need to quit making excuses. It’s not going to be easy, but it’ll be worth it. I’d like to see if eating clean will reduce my neuropathic pain and an alkaline environment can prevent tumor growth. I’ve gotten used to the pain but that’s not a good reason. No one deserves to be in pain of any kind. It’s called chemotherapy-induced peripheral neuropathy. It used to be a lot worse, my nerves have healed a lot, but I can still feel it in my hands, feet, and teeth. When pain becomes chronic, you have to look for natural remedies.

It seems like I have too many ideas which prevents me from getting more stuff done. I’m trying to water too many seeds. While it’s not a bad thing to have a lot of interests, I need to decide what’s important and focus on achieving my goals. I would put nutrition and fitness and getting a job at the top of the list. I got sidetracked – back to the dating. Having a guy doesn’t make everything better. It’s an answer, it’s not the answer. Relationships can be very unhealthy if we’re not careful. Sometimes, I’m not even sure if I want a relationship. I’m given the chance and I keep sending them away. It’s not always about them, I realize that, I have my own issues. I’m used to being alone and I don’t want to feel trapped. With the right person you won’t feel trapped. I have to keep taking chances because we don’t learn in isolation. When I look at their dating profiles, I’m either attracted or not. I get a gut feeling, yet sometimes I still give the wrong people chances. I know they’re not my type but I’m curious enough to meet them. I shouldn’t be surprised when we don’t click in person and the second date doesn’t happen. I’m also learning how not to take rejection personally, they’re doing me a favor by deselecting themselves. I won’t always blog about dating because it should be kept private, yet maybe my experience will help others.

At first, I was impressed by the dating site because I didn’t have high expectations. I had a decent amount of messages right off the bat. I decided to talk with several of them to see if we were compatible. Let’s just say there are a lot of rednecks around here and I mean no disrespect because I’m one of them. Some of them seem intimidated by my education. I’m not that smart and being smart has it’s own disadvantages. Having a college degree doesn’t make you any better or worse. Being kind, honest and trustworthy is what matters. It’s important to meet them when you feel comfortable, sooner rather than later because if there isn’t a connection you won’t feel like you’ve wasted each other’s time. I thought for a moment I could have a purely physical connection but when he started sending me nudes, I was grossed out. It reminded me of how much I need a mental and an emotional connection too. It seemed like that was all he had to offer and I’d never be completely satisfied. Sending nudes to someone you barely know is not okay, it’s creepy. He got mad at me because at first I went along with it and acted like it was okay. I was too shocked to say anything. Blame it on the duck lips. I need to quit being so naive. I need to stop doubting my awesomeness.

I’ve noticed how some guys will try to get to know you really quickly in an attempt to create an emotional bond knowing that’s what we need to take the next step. It doesn’t work that way especially if the interest is fake or forced. In the beginning, guys can get overexcited and go batshit crazy trying to lock it down. For some guys, it’s kinda cute. It can also feel overwhelming, so you have to pace them. It seems like the dating scene has turned into people who pretend to like each other just to seal the deal because the other way takes time. It’s the difference between a hookup and possibly having a relationship. Don’t go into it looking for “the one.” God will bring you the one when it’s time. Don’t get yourself into trouble. I’ll give you an example. Recently, I was invited over to a complete strangers house. It was 9:30pm. We had only been texting for a few weeks. He lives about 45 minutes away, although he tried to tell me that Beavercreek is 20 minutes away. I’ve lived here almost my whole life and unless they moved the city of Beavercreek, doubtful, it’s not that close. Great idea, thanks for thinking of my safety. Don’t feel flattered he wants to see you. He’s out for himself, you don’t mean anything to him. You’re just another girl to him.

Another guy was being vague about having a dog because, “I figured we could just hang out at your place.” Good idea, that’s going to solve the problem of you having a dog. I’m glad you’ve already started lying to me that’s awesome. Yes, my sarcasm is back. I’m expecting too much from them. It didn’t say in his profile so I asked him because I had a feeling he had a dog. He skipped over my question which means yes. I finally said, “Answer the question.” He couldn’t believe it was a deal breaker. I’ve realized something else. You’re going to have the same issues with the next person. Maybe they’re more patient or understanding but changing the person doesn’t make everything better. We still have to work do our inner work, that never ends. There is something exciting about talking to a new person which is the appeal of dating sites and why people hop from one person to the next. Have we become disposable? I hope not. I think it’s more exciting to talk with someone you actually like and care about their opinion. Health is attractive, dysfunction is not. I grew up in a dysfunctional home, my dad was an alcoholic, if I’m not careful I gravitate towards dysfunction because it feels normal. Unless we’re willing to do the work, face our fears of intimacy and abandonment, all we’ll do is cause each other pain.

I met Guy #6, Chris, at a Mexican restaurant near me. He was nice enough to drive the longer distance. I wasn’t feeling very good. I’d only been taking the antibiotic for a few days. I’m glad I forced myself to go, if nothing else for the practice. The hardest part was sitting there wishing he was someone else. It made me sad and filled with regret. They say the best way to get over someone is to move on, which I agree, but it doesn’t mean you stop thinking about them. I put him out of my mind and focused on my date. Chris seemed nervous and he talked a lot. I didn’t have very much in common with him and it was kinda awkward. I enjoyed my dinner, it tasted good. It seems like guys have the idea or wishful thinking they’re going to get invited back, that by being on a dating site means the woman is desperate for male company. I may be a little desperate for male company but not so desperate that I stop thinking clearly. Bring on the margaritas. I have to build trust and feel safe. One date isn’t enough time to warrant that kind of connection. Believe me, it’s frustrating, I’ve been alone for a long time. He has to be special to me. I want to be special to him. That isn’t too much to ask.

The next guy I started talking with was Mike, he doesn’t get a # because I haven’t met him in person. God help the guy who finds my blog, he won’t want to go out with me for fear I’ll write about him. I don’t always write negative reviews. I was attracted to him and thought we were going to have a good connection but he was acting immature and putting in minimal effort. How is it ever okay to text, “Sup?” I know he means, “What’s up?” It just makes me cringe. Is it supper time? Lol. I don’t know why it bothers me so much. He’s probably trying to be cool and I’m the one looking for problems. I couldn’t bring myself to reply, it seemed pointless. And why do they think, “Yes’m,” is a good reply? For the record, it’s not polite. It’s really weird and it makes me sick to my stomach. That was another guy who also had a hidden dog in his profile lol. Mike and I tried to plan a date, decided on Pies and Pints, yet he wanted me to drive to the location near him rather than him drive to the location near me. Hmmm. I got the impression he was full of himself. It’s okay to be focused or fond of yourself, but being vain is a complete turnoff. The other thing that happened, Kelly, Guy #7, started blowing up my phone. I ended up going on the movie date with Kelly and not even seeing Mike. I shouldn’t be so apathetic, but I didn’t go through what I went through to put up with such nonsense.

Kelly seemed interested and somehow charmed me. I was nervous to meet him but then I was able to relax and calm down. Tbh, I was kinda disappointed. I thought he was going to be tough because he has tattoos, but he wasn’t. Not that I want a macho guy, he just didn’t seem very strong. It’s funny, you create an idea of them in your mind and they’re completely different in person. I’m sure I wasn’t his exact fantasy either. The movie we saw, Game Night, was hilarious and suspenseful. We ate at Steak ‘n Shake afterwards then parted ways. I think somewhere between him saying he eats fast food three times a day, lives with his mom and never exercises, I lost interest. I went to Barnes & Noble where I had fun looking around. I bought two books and two CDs. We made plans to go out the next weekend but as the week progressed I realized I didn’t want to see him again. My mom seems surprised when they want a second date, thanks mom, ye of little faith. I think her reasoning is there are cuter girls out there who have less issues. Why would they stick around? Good question. They must be lonely and desperate. Or maybe they find me attractive and interesting. I don’t think I should get down on my knees and thank my lucky stars that some guy likes me. I don’t need a guy to like me. Maybe I’ve gotten too strong. No, strength is letting people in. I need to make better choices and keep putting myself out there.

He got the idea that I was interested in being more than friends because I thought I was until I met him. Learned my lesson there, don’t overpromise and underdeliver. He tried to invite himself over by saying he needed somewhere to hang out after work and was upset when I told him he couldn’t. First of all, I barely knew him. I didn’t feel comfortable inviting him over. I felt pressured and when I told him that, he said, “I’ve been being very patient.” Oh my, talking to someone for a few weeks and going out on one date is not patience. He hasn’t even scratched the surface of patience. I guess for people who have one night stands, that was being very patient. I told him we can be friends, but he wasn’t interested in a friendship. My dear, friendship is the foundation. The other thing I’m hearing is how women, specifically their exes, are cheaters, liars and downright awful. I don’t know any women like that. The story changes based on the storyteller. I’d imagine the women would tell me how the men contributed to the downfall of the relationship too. These guys claim to no longer be in love with their exes, they’re completely over them, which is why they’re still bad mouthing them and yet they’d get back together with them at the drop of a hat. The mature way to handle a breakup is to take responsibility for what went wrong and move on.

When God puts something in the palm of your hands, something that feels good because it’s an expression of His love, hold onto that because God wants you to be happy. Don’t, like I have done so many times in the past, think yourself unworthy, turn your hand over and let the opportunity go. I’m not saying hold on tightly because love is easily smothered. Love requires us to give and take, we have to give as much as we’re taking. What I’m saying is, hold it carefully, realize what you have because good connections are hard to come by and can’t be forced. I talk about God a lot, for those of you who aren’t religious you might be turned off by it. I also believe in science and enjoy learning about it. Back when my faith wasn’t as strong, I used to envy people who had a connection with a higher power and honestly thought they were a little silly. I also think of God as the Universe, the force that keeps everything moving in the right direction. The force that corrects our wrongdoings and gives us second chances. How do I know this? Because no matter how asinine I have acted in the past, how bratty and ungrateful, how much pain I have caused my family, God knows my heart and loves me unconditionally. He wants me to live a healthy and happy life. He is trying to show me how I can be of service in this world.

The lessons I’ve learned are: Don’t play games. Don’t put up walls. Don’t push the right people away. Don’t be arrogant. Don’t carry the past into the present. Don’t sabotage joy. Don’t test men. Well, test them a little bit but not unreasonably or without justification. I remember something my friend, Jessica, said to me over the summer when I was telling her about one of the guys and taking the next step. She said, “I’m glad you found someone who you want to share your body with.” She’s right, sharing our bodies is a scared thing. Sure, sometimes sex is just sex, it doesn’t have to mean something. Everything doesn’t always have to mean something. Because of what I’ve been through, I’m more hesitant to get involved with just anyone. I need someone who is strong, who has proven they can be taken seriously and they take what we have seriously. Perhaps the girl who speaks the most of love is also the most afraid. Love is more than feeling butterflies, although there will be butterflies, love is surviving the bad times. Love is wanting to know what they think about a song. It’s finding the person who has the key that unlocks your heart. It’s finding the person who can make you stop thinking.

We get trapped by our fears which causes us to stay small and unseen. We listen to the voice that talks us out of being brave. That’s why we look up to superheroes, they don’t have any fears, they have superpowers. Until we’re sick and tired of the way things are, we won’t have enough motivation to change. I get upset when my progress plateaus or I fall back into a depression. I need to realize that getting to the next handhold was a victory. We shouldn’t judge our progress, we should be grateful we are making progress. I think the root cause of depression is betraying our soul, betraying what we know and listening to other people tell us who we should be and how our life should look. Depression happens when we deny our uniqueness and try to fit into a box that does nothing but dims our light. We pretend everything is fine even when we’re hurting inside. Depression is feeling alone and thinking no one understands. The sadness is trying to tell you something, if you’ll listen. Follow your heart. Do the things that make you happy. You have to take chances because you’ll learn something from it. We aren’t perfect, demanding perfection of ourselves is silly. Only God’s love is perfect. He won’t let us down. That’s all I know and it’s enough to keep me going.

Take care,

Julie