Tbh, I didn’t think this month’s blog post was going to be very exciting. I had planned to write about my experience at CancerCon, the 11th annual gathering of cancer survivors in Denver, Colorado. Even though I knew the weekend was jam packed with activities, speakers, classes and a dance party, for some reason I thought it was going to be boring. It wasn’t boring at all. The conference was the perfect blend of education, inspiration and fun. It exceeded my expectations. I met four survivors, Amy, Brooke, Jennifer and Peter, who live in Ohio. Hopefully, we will keep in touch and hang out again. It’s a cool feeling to sit down next to someone who is from your home state. When the high of the conference wears off, you still have support from old and new friends. It’s also a good thing to forget about being a cancer survivor for awhile and just live. Healing and grief will happen naturally. We need to be loved for who we are, with or without the label. I think that’s where I got stuck. I was judging myself, uncertain of how to navigate the world as a survivor. If I don’t have an issue with it, there’s a good chance other people won’t either. My faith grew stronger because I needed something to lean on that wouldn’t let me down. Now I realize it’s more about not letting myself down. God will be there regardless.

What I’ve gained from CancerCon is a feeling of pride. I felt like a badass rather than feeling ashamed or less than or broken. It made me realize how much I’ve accomplished, how far I’ve come in my healing journey and that I’m not alone. I didn’t think anything good would ever come from my cancer experience, now I see it has given me experiences like this that are truly wonderful. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I carry that light within me now. Even though there are many types of cancer and everyone is in a different stage of treatment or remission, there’s an unspoken understanding and mutual respect at the conference. What strikes me is how strong survivors are, as if we were chosen because we had this strength to begin with otherwise how else would we still be standing to offer inspiration to others? Especially the speaker, Sean Swarner, who climbed Mt. Everest with one lung even though the doctors told him it was impossible. He said, “Whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right.” I’ll never achieve that kind of feat, but I’ll keep pushing and challenging myself to be and do more than I am now.

One of my favorite moments was when Melissa Etheridge was singing, “I Run For Life.” I had never heard the song before and her lyrics touched me. As I sat there recording it on my phone, trying to keep still because I don’t like shaky recordings, about halfway through the song tears started rolling down my cheeks. I had to let them fall because if I had grabbed a tissue it would’ve messed up the recording. I realized something, I don’t have to hide the pain. I can sit with my feelings and it will be okay. I’m in a safe place, I can wait until the song ends. Another layer of grief was released that day and I feel lighter. Even if you’re many years out from treatment, it still helps to be in an environment where more healing can occur. It reminds of something one of the speakers, Albus Brooks, said, “We will cry and be proud of our crying.” The weekend didn’t go perfectly. I’m not going to act like it did. I missed one breakfast and two speakers, but I’m proud of myself for going and learning what I needed to learn. There’s something empowering about traveling alone and I gain more confidence each time I’m brave enough to leave my comfort zone. One of the speakers said, “Adversity is a teacher.” How do we move from bitterness to a place of forgiveness? How do we learn the lessons instead of repeating them? And what now?

Another idea that was discussed was crisis coping. The trauma was so intense that we stay in survival mode. How do we crack out of it? By processing the pain and having healthy coping strategies. Instead of feeling helpless, we can feel powerful again. Having a support network improves our ability to recover. Practicing mindfulness meditation strengthens our inner awareness so that we have a choice. We begin to respond rather than react, we see the bullets coming and dodge them. We know what our triggers are and knowledge is power. We stay in the present moment, breathe and reframe the situation. That’s a lot better tactic than avoiding and numbing out. In regards to dating, you don’t have to tell someone right away that you’re a cancer survivor, make sure they are worthy of knowing the information. Another speaker was Sage Bolte, she said, “If you look at someone’s actions through a rose-colored window, all the flags are the same color.” When we’re infatuated with someone, we have trouble distinguishing between the red and green flags. My room was on the 21st floor. I had an awesome view of the city. I love a good sunset. I thought I would enjoy having a television to watch. I had it on for about a half an hour the first day and then listened to the radio the rest of the time. Denver has some good radio stations.  

If you’re a survivor please consider going next year, it will be April 11-14, 2019 at the Hyatt Regency Denver Colorado Convention Center. Visit the Stupid Cancer website: http://stupidcancer.org They are a non-profit organization that puts on CancerCon. They are the leader in young adult cancer advocacy, research and support. I feel grateful to have been involved in such an important weekend. As I’ve said before, healing doesn’t occur in isolation. Sure, we have to do a lot of self-care and inner work on our own, but something magical happens when we come together to share our stories. We feel less alone. We feel understood. We feel normal. And most importantly, it gives us hope. Hope that we can survive this life. Hope that things can get better. Hope that we are strong enough to handle whatever life throws at us…because we are. We’ve already proven it, we’ve already passed the test. We are here to be joyful. We are here to show mercy and forgive those who have wronged us. Not because what they did was okay, because nursing old wounds keeps them active and we feel better when they are healed.

The rest of this post is photos: my First Descents rock climbing group: Lauren, Jenny, Chris, Rachael. My scavenger hunt group: Brooke, Jennifer, Jesse, Laura. The dance party and sightseeing in Denver. Some of you are probably wondering what’s the deal with the scavenger hunt and why was it so fun? Well, they are fun. Those of you who know me know that I create a treasure hunt game at Halloween most years especially if my brother is visiting. It started as an attempt at recreating the Mystery Mansion board game we used to play with Christen and Bryan when we were little. I love word games and I love a good party. Although, I’ve never been able to top the epic party of 2009, that one has gone down in history. Since last month’s post was so long, this post can be much shorter. And they say a picture is worth a thousand words. Take care, Julie