Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief, the details of my sex life will not be discussed in this post. Of course, I’ll find something equally disturbing to talk about lol. Do I like drama? It sure seems like it. I sat here for a good twenty minutes deciding whether or not to hit the publish button. I usually don’t have that struggle. I’m usually glad the post is done because it takes effort to make it good. I know it was too much information and probably made a few people uncomfortable. My bad. Obviously, that’s what was up for me and my heart was hurting. Oh, but God wasn’t done teaching me lessons. I’ll get to that later. June became a month of getting re-centered. The perfect job fell into my lap and I’m very grateful. Yes, I’m overqualified, it doesn’t pay a lot, but I’m happy to be there. That’s important. I don’t feel out of place or stressed out. I get overwhelmed at times because there are so many books to shelve. I’m the type of person who wants to get everything done, yet it’s more important to shelve accurately than quickly. I get there on time because I want to be there. I have certain things I have to get done, but I don’t have someone breathing down my neck and getting mad if I have to go to the restroom. I don’t feel pressured to sell stuff. I’m definitely not bored because we stay busy.

I realized the reason I like putting things in order is because it gives me a feeling of being in control. When a person goes through an episode of powerlessness, like getting diagnosed with cancer and going through treatment, the mind can gravitate towards activities that bring relief. We have a section of books, fiction and non-fiction, that are new releases. They can only be checked out for 14 days. I also shelve DVDs, CDs, audiobooks, and magazines. I’m still learning the library. I don’t always know the answer when I get asked questions, so I ask my coworkers who have been very helpful. Many of them are retired school teachers or have a library science degree. When I can find the book they are looking for, it makes me feel good. Kids can get pretty upset when we don’t have the book they want, a whole library of books, but they have to have that one book. I’ve had to build up an immunity to Iocaine powder, just kidding, lol, to dust and allergens. My first week there, I was coming home wheezing and it felt like I was allergic to something. Luckily, that isn’t happening anymore. I have to be careful about picking up germs so that I’m not constantly getting sick. I’ve been using hand sanitizer or washing my hands every hour or two just to be on the safe side.

Overall, I feel good about my job. I have five 4-hour shifts. I have a set schedule, it’s the same every week. I took Neil’s shifts because he got promoted to library assistant. Counting me, there are five Pages. At first, I wondered why don’t we have four 5-hour shifts which would give us three days off instead of two. I think it’s because shelving for five hours could be too much. My supervisor, Melody, lost her husband to brain cancer the same year we lost my dad to lung cancer. I have a feeling they’re in heaven smiling down at us. The director, Sarah, and the other supervisor, Emily, are women. It’s the first time I’ve worked somewhere where the people in charge aren’t men. It’s a completely different vibe. My job gives me a routine and more income. I have to get things done now rather than putting them off. I have to get dressed and leave the house even when I don’t feel like it. At this point, it’s up to me to do things that contribute to my health. Being around people and being of service makes me feel better. I haven’t spoken much about being a survivor with my coworkers but I think most of them know. I feel accepted and supported. I’m working to prove to myself that the cancer didn’t win. I can have a life and be free from that nightmare.

I’m on my phone too much, he was right, it’s a distraction. Most of the time, it’s not productive. I haven’t been on any more dates nor have I set up a dating profile. I’m lonely again. I’ve retreated into my shell which is fine, but it feels like a step backwards. I shouldn’t let what happened deter me from trusting men again. I’m not the type of person who takes that lightly. Intimacy is sacred to me and it wasn’t in that situation. The abrupt ending was difficult for me, but I don’t question God nor do wish things to be different. Tbh, I was a bit relieved that it was over. I was on OkCupid. Now, I’m thinking about trying Plenty of Fish, Tinder or Zoosk. I haven’t looked at any of them yet. I’m curious to try Tinder because of all the things I’ve heard about it, good and bad. I won’t know until I look at them which one seems right. This month, I celebrated my 9 year cancerversary! I saw a quote, “That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.” I am where I am now because I did the work. I did the grieving and with it comes healing. You can ask my neighbor who over the last five years has heard me bawling my eyes out. I’ve doubted whether I should keep the faith. Am I silly to trust God? I got disheartened and wondered if I’d ever find my way again.

I just kept thinking life would be easier if I weren’t a cancer survivor. When I question God’s methods, it feels like I’m slapping Him in the face. Those were my lessons to learn. All of that has made me stronger not weaker. Even the fatigue, which slows me down, allows me to appreciate the beauty around me. I used to have low self-esteem, not that it’s super high now but it’s higher than it was. Self-love gives us the ability to break bad habits and create a better life. We have to speak our truth even if we look the fool. I’d rather look the fool than wear a mask. Failure is just as important as success. How else would we learn? God brings the right people and situations into our life. I used to wonder why my path looked different. Our paths are supposed to look different – our souls have different missions. I remember when I fought with my parents to let me move to Colorado with Ian so we could attend Naropa. I remember fighting with my mom to let me hire Morgan’s team to edit the book. We have to fight for what we want, for what we feel in our hearts and know to be true in our souls. I need to keep fighting for my dreams. For many years, I’ve felt like a disappointment. It wasn’t until I met the first group of survivors that I realized my struggles were normal. Cancer had changed their lives too, but they weren’t bitter about it. Instead, they chose to rise above it and thrive.

I need to clarify something I wrote last month. I said, “I have my nieces and I love them dearly.” I don’t have my nieces. I have nieces. They live in Utah with my brother, David, and sister-in-law, Kristine. Happy 1st birthday Mary! 🙂 I forgot to start with the affirmations. I’m only sharing two this month. As I’ve said all along, repeating one or two is more effective than trying to say or remember a bunch of them, unless you’re reading a daily inspirational paragraph then that’s different. STOP-BREATHE-GROUND. I’LL FIGURE IT OUT. The first one is great because it can be used to prevent an anxiety attack. The second one is more of a confidence booster. I get excited when I see one I haven’t seen before or a different version. I’m funny. Who gets excited about affirmations? Me. Lol. I’ve been using both of them and they’re pretty effective. I had planned to use some of this post to write about my survivor trip to Hocking Hills, but I didn’t go because I got sick and stayed home. I missed an opportunity to rock climb and make new friends. It was an FDTribs weekend. Some of you know what that is, survivors who have been on an FD1 trip. My local alumni group is the Cleveland Tributary. Hopefully, I can join them next time. So, what happened?

On Friday, I woke up with a bad headache, I figured it was just my period headache because it was time for Aunt Flo to visit me. I felt dizzy and nauseous which usually isn’t the case. I hadn’t been drinking. I wasn’t hungover. I had gotten a good night sleep. I was apprehensive about going, which is normal, yet I always have a great time. The weather was going to be really hot for hiking and rock climbing. I knew we’d be in the shade and to drink plenty of water. I’ve been to Hocking Hills before with my mom, brother, and grandma. I remember the pretty waterfalls. It was going to be a two hour drive. I wasn’t worried about driving, I’ve driven across the country a few times. I had a full tank of gas and my CDs picked out to listen to in the car so I wouldn’t fiddle with the radio. I was almost finished packing, I just had to throw my clothes in my duffle bag. I was going to leave at 3pm since we were supposed to be there between 5-7pm. Even though some of the climbs were slightly terrifying last time, I enjoyed climbing and being in nature. When I’m naturally good at something or catch on quickly, it strengthens my confidence. I was looking forward to another adventure.

I forced myself into the shower and barely made it through before I started to feel like I was going to throw up. Now, I don’t throw up very often. It’s one of my least favorite things to do. I quickly put a bath towel down in front of the toilet because I don’t like to touch the floor especially being naked and clean. I’ll spare you the details, but I threw up more than several times and it was very unpleasant. It’s during these moments of anguish when we’re thinking most clearly. We start bargaining with God. I’ll stop doing this or that. I’ll change my ways. We think of the amends we need to make or things we want to do. Maybe it’s just me. It takes sickness to appreciate health. We can see what really matters. Luckily, after about an hour or two, I started feeling a little better. I was able to drink some green tea and eat some oatmeal. I didn’t have much strength or energy to get there. I contacted the lead guide and told him what happened. He told me not to worry and to feel better soon. I felt sick the whole weekend and didn’t get much done besides laundry. Sometimes, we have to pause, breathe, and regroup instead of rushing forward.

So what was the lesson? My first thought was that it was morning sickness. I bought a pregnancy test at the grocery store. My period is usually three days early. I wasn’t late but it hadn’t started yet. The test said that I’m not pregnant. I probably picked up a virus at work. Technically, there’s no way I could be pregnant since he had a vasectomy, but he had lied about so many things that I had become doubtful. I felt like God was saying, this is what happens when you don’t take care of yourself. We didn’t use protection and I’m not on the pill. I have a master’s degree and I still do incredibly stupid things. I also struggle with really simple things sometimes. Obviously, I need to get on birth control and practice safe sex so that I don’t have to worry about pregnancy or diseases. My next thought was that it could be the cancer coming back and for the love of God I need to stop drinking Pepsi and start giving a damn about my health. I need to become hard core healthy. That’s going to be my next obsession. There are worse things to get obsessed about than super foods and a plant based whole foods diet. Reduce sugar, dairy, meat and gluten. Find healthy alternatives. Make green juice and smoothies. How many times have I talked about this? Ugh.

The good news, I started my period. It was two days late, but it felt like an eternity. For a brief moment, I was excited about the thought of having a baby, but I don’t want to be a single mom and that’s what I would’ve been. I sound paranoid. I think it was sheer terror. Maybe I’m afraid of the good stuff, the stuff of dreams because I’ve gotten used to the shackles and excuses. I claim to be free, but what is freedom? I claim to love, but where is my devotion? I claim to be brave, but where is the proof? I claim to be kind and then gossip about each one. I don’t intend to push people away nor cause myself misery. I have trouble letting people get close to me. I try to have good intentions. We all have addictions and defense mechanisms. I was afraid to fall, to be consumed with passion. I was afraid to risk it all. Love is safety, it isn’t destruction. It’s building a bridge. I want to be brave from now on, not stupid, brave, there’s a difference. I’m going to be nicer this time which will make dating much more enjoyable. I feel happy and it’s not because of someone or something, although it’s many people and many things. I feel blessed. God is good.

I thought of something else last night and now this post is getting long. I need to be happy for people who have found their person, the person that makes them happy. Why would I want to be with someone who isn’t into me? That makes no sense. I’m going to be patient and proactive in my search for love and connection. I need to realize which ones are wasting my time and cut them loose. I need to be myself because the right guy will like me just as I am. I won’t have to change or become someone else. I won’t feel like a fish out of water, I’ll still be able to breathe. I won’t feel like I’m not good enough, he’ll reassure me that I am okay. With the right person, you can’t mess it up. I know many of you think I’m too picky, but I know what I want and need and deserve. I have faith in God and His timing. Once again Garth Brooks’ lyrics ring true, “Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” It dawned on me that it wasn’t so much his love that I wanted, just love in general. And that’s fine, we all need love and affection. I don’t want to be with someone just to say I have someone, that isn’t cool either. I’m going to stop pushing them away and being overly judgmental, but I’m not going to settle or lower my standards. Someday, my guy will choose me, and it won’t be because I hung the moon or painted the stars although he’ll think I have, it’ll be because he sees my light and I can see his, and when we’re together our lights shine brighter.

Take care and be well,

Julie

(photo courtesy of my mom, great picture!)