I decided to combine September and October since it’s already November. I need to figure out a new blogging schedule for 2019. I don’t know if doing them monthly is working. I could go back to focusing on a topic. Usually the topic presents itself, then share personal stuff that relates. I kinda do that now. I like to make connections and find meaning. I like to arrive at some kind of conclusion. Maybe you’re overthinking it, let the post be what it is.

I revised the July + August blog post so many times that it almost got overworked. I have a tendency to get preachy and philosophical which can sound boring and weird. You were staying on the surface of things because it’s easier. Maybe I was. The good stuff is found when you go deeper, when you leave your comfort zone. All of the things you worry about usually never come to pass. That’s true. I took out a paragraph which I later regretted because in doing so I didn’t acknowledge the effort someone made to reach out to me. You took it out because you were still mad at him. I knew I had made a mistake because it felt like I had betrayed myself. By not mentioning it, it was as if it didn’t happen or matter which couldn’t be further from the truth. Having it all scares the hell out of you. When it comes to love, you turn into a coward. I’m used to being this much happy or maybe this much sad. You’re used to not letting people love you. I decided I wasn’t going to talk about any of the guys and just write about myself. The problem with always focusing on yourself is that you become selfish. I want to start dating again. You shouldn’t have stopped dating. When I said I wanted to go out on a date with five more guys, he’s not excluded from that. I still care about him and he knows that. You weren’t ready back then. You used to have casual sex and not make a big deal out of it. It’s going to take time for intimacy to become a normal part of your life again. One more thing I have to work on. It’s only a chore if you make it a chore. Ugh.

I don’t remember the paragraph exactly and I feel silly talking about it now because it happened back in August. I was happy to get your message or maybe it gave me mixed feelings. It didn’t sound like you. Who knew you could be sweet? Oh wait, I remember, we won’t melt. After all this time, now that I’m doing better. Would it be better if you left me alone? I told myself that day I was going to stop thinking about you. Later that day, I got your text. I shouldn’t have been surprised, I guess I was yearning for you. I thought your message was a mirage and it was going to disappear like you did so many times. It wasn’t all your fault, I disappeared too. I had no idea hearing from you would bring up the pain I felt when you told me you were seeing someone else and just wanted to be friends. I was crushed. I took a hard look at myself and what I had become. I felt motivated to get back on my feet and create a life that made me happy. And then regardless of whether he came back or not it wouldn’t matter. But it did. Oh shut up. We talked a little bit more. It seemed like he wasn’t being honest with me again and that pissed me off. I put my walls back up and told him I just wanted to be friends. What good does it do to hold grudges? I let it go. I gave it to the ocean. Everything happened exactly as it was meant to happen. In a roundabout way you were forced to develop self-love. Yeah, after months of wishing I were someone else lol. It wasn’t until I started working at the library that I began to feel confident again. It was his loss, not mine. It was both of your losses. Only love counts as a win.

I don’t know why you’re talking about love, I thought it was friendship as the foundation? It is. Be friends, take it slow. I’m either way too slow or way too fast. Find the middle path. Okay. At the end of September, I went on a vacation with my family to Maui, Hawaii. It’s very beautiful there. I enjoyed the seeing the sunsets, palm trees, mountains, and waterfalls. The people on the island have a relaxed, friendly, peaceful way of being – I call it the aloha spirit. It takes a long time to get there, but it’s worth it. I had a great time! We did several fun activities: the Road to Hana, a traditional luau, and photo session on the beach. I enjoyed spending time with my nieces. Emma is very happy and energetic. She’s like a ray of sunshine. She’s smart and brave. She loves to swim. Emma will be four in March. Little Mary is also very happy, yet her energy is a bit more calm. Her nickname is Bear. She makes noises like a bear and loves to cuddle. When provoked, usually by her sister, she gets feisty and fights back. Mary will be two in June. She’s named after my grandma which at first I thought was a really bad idea. My mom is also named Mary and neither her nor my grandma like their name. Now I can’t imagine her being named anything else, it’s the perfect name for her. She’s strong and loving like my grandma. My nieces bring me a lot of joy. I look forward to seeing them in December.

I’ve heard Hawaii teaches you what you need to learn and if you aren’t being humble, it humbles you. There’s a lot of spiritual power on the island, you can feel it, touch it, sense it. Both times I’ve been there, I’ve had eye-opening, painful experiences. The first time with the sunburn, blister, and my foot swelling up so badly that I could barely walk on it. This time, I got really sick one day and was on the verge of collapse. It was a good reminder that if I continue to disregard my physical health, not eating or drinking enough, there will be consequences. It’s a good example of how I can be so disconnected from my body and just drag it along with me and expect everything to be okay. We had some very busy days, I’m used to getting more rest. I returned home with a new found confidence in my abilities. I had been going through an overly critical phase where I was second guessing myself and listening to everyone else. Getting feedback is great, but only you know what is in your heart. I want to do what’s right, what’s best for me. Be patient and trust God to show you the way. The way will become clear, it always does. I hope so. I’ve realized why it’s easier to talk to my spirit guide, he’s an angel, he can’t hurt me. The only problem, he isn’t flesh and blood, so he can’t hold me, hug me or kiss me. Even angels aren’t perfect!

How is it that one minute we’re in paradise enjoying the sun and the next minute my mom is telling me my grandma isn’t doing well? It felt like the highest of highs then the lowest of lows. Life isn’t usually that dramatic. I was humbled again by my grandma’s passing. I thought she was going to live forever, it seemed like it. Here I was concerned with looking cute and getting likes on Facebook instead of paying attention to what really mattered. You’d think I’d learned my lesson after losing my dad. It was her time to go, there’s nothing you could’ve done. I know that. My mom and I went to the nursing home on Tuesday because the photo I wanted to use for her obituary was in an album in her room. Walking into her room and seeing the empty bed almost tore me apart. Knowing she was just there the day before and I would never get to hold her hand again was an awful feeling. It’s hard to lose someone you love. Yes, it is. The last time I saw her was in July, she was doing okay. My mom went to see her every week. Her health had been deteriorating over the last few months and I wasn’t aware of it. I was focused on my job. I’m thankful I got to see her one last time. She’s been so good to me and my brother. She helped both of us pay for college. We always went on fun family vacations. The fact that I didn’t visit her as much as I should have is something I have to live with. She wouldn’t be upset with me. My grandma is at peace now which brings me peace.

My grandma believed in love and forgiveness. She wouldn’t want me to be alone. As I looked around the funeral home, I realized almost all of my younger cousins had boyfriends or husbands there to comfort them. My life took a different path and I went through a very long healing journey. That’s no reason to still be alone now. I’m the source of my solitude. I have to put myself back out there again. I’m usually fine on my own, but that was one time when I really needed someone to be there for me. I didn’t cry the whole time. I thought I was going to be a mess. I held it together pretty well. The bravest thing to do is show your true emotions otherwise what’s the point. I’m grateful for the people who comforted me: my mom, brother, sister-in-law, aunts, cousins, and friends. They know how much my grandma meant to me. My friends, Christen and Will, who have known me for a long time, told me they’re proud of me and happy to see me flourishing. I’m talking about life in general now. Compared to how I was, all the things I’ve struggled with, I am doing better. The fight in me is strong. There’s still so much I want to accomplish. As I’ve said many times, healing is an ongoing process, it’s about doing the best we can right now. I’m learning how to be healthy and optimistic, brave and courageous, creative and adventurous.

This is a picture of Mary and Emma that my brother sent me a few weeks ago. Mary is hugging a tiny pumpkin! She has a lot of love in her heart. Another picture of Mary at a pumpkin patch around here. She found a good pumpkin. She’s a country girl at heart! 🙂

Take care and be well,
Julie