He’s no better than the rest of them. He’s a redneck just like the rest of ’em! Sounds like you’re more upset you fell for him. No, I’m just stating the facts. And where are you from Julie? Hamilton. Which means you’re cut from the same cloth. Yes, it does. I’m proud of where I’m from. I was taught to work hard and believe in God. If he wants you in his life, he’ll put you there. If he doesn’t, you’ll meet someone who does. Either way, it’ll be for the best. I know that. Sharing the same taste in music is not enough to build a relationship on. Now you sound like my mom. Your mom is trying to protect you. When your heart gets broken, she’s the one who has to pick up the pieces. Maybe that’s why I don’t even bother, I’d rather keep my heart in one piece. What fun is that? So you want me to let him turn my world upside down again? Sometimes you need your world turned upside down, it allows you to see things from a different perspective. I know what you mean. He’s messy and reckless. I’m neat and careful. We’re opposites. He’s loud and I’m quiet. We would drive each other crazy. That would be fun to watch. I bet it would be. You could contact him. I might. I miss talking to him and wonder how he’s doing. If you feel overwhelmed, tell him instead of running away. Okay. Have you created your dating profile yet? No, I’ve been busy. I’m going to Utah for Christmas. It’s on my to-do list.

Dating should be fun, keep that in mind. One of the guys didn’t know who The Cure was. Are you serious? Don’t be funny. Now you sound like me. They’re not an obscure band. They have a distinct sound. He was around my age, so it wasn’t a generational thing. Not everyone is into music like you are. I guess not. It was after the hike, we were sitting in Panera eating salads, one of their songs came on the speakers. I said, “I like this band. Do you know who this is?” He got a little fussy and said, “No, I don’t. Do you have all that stored in your head somewhere?” I told him who it was and the singer’s name. I should’ve said, “Yes, in fact I do, most people do. Even my mom has songs stored in her head.” Maybe I shouldn’t have been asking my dates questions like that. He was probably worried it would disqualify him. Probably. Did it? Yes and no. It was a combination of things. He lived too far away. He was shorter than me. That shouldn’t be a deal breaker. I know. My mom thought he looked taller than me in the picture. I told her he must’ve been standing on a rock. You’re terrible. I know. Lol. It’s the darkness. The poison they gave me, it wasn’t just physically toxic, it was mentally and spiritually toxic. It killed my peace of mind, my faith, that’s why I work so hard to get it back. I don’t want to be a sarcastic bitch all of the time. You aren’t. That’s good to know.

I was just thinking about that and wondering what people think about me talking to you. You can’t let the opinion of others become a louder voice than your own. You already have an obnoxious inner critic. They think you have an active imagination or an imaginary friend. That’s what my mom and I decided to call you because it sounds harmless like what little kids have because they’re allowed to believe in magic. At work, I shelve several different juvenile paperback series that have magic in the title: Rainbow Magic, Magic Tree House, Magic Animal Friends. I guess in a way writing is magic. Sometimes, I make it up, sleight of hand, to put on a show. Other times, it’s like automatic writing or clairaudience which means “clear hearing.” There are several types of clairvoyance and that is one of them. Like musicians receive melodies and lyrics, you receive internal guidance or spirit messages. I just skim the surface. Life is spooky enough. I don’t go out of my way to develop it. I like learning about spirituality and personal growth. I have that stuff stored in my head too, so it’s not surprising my spirit guide sounds like a therapist. Other times, I’m annoyed at myself and the way my mind works, it’s nice to get a break from it. You don’t have to work all the time, you choose to work all the time. I don’t even work that much. See there you go again. Take credit for something. Take a compliment. You’ve been through a lot. 

If my spirit guide weren’t ethereal, made of light and love, I wouldn’t have anything to do with him. He came to me after I finished treatment because I was experiencing some intense physical pain and fatigue. When I got my physical strength back, I started having panic attacks and stopped driving for a whole year. I think back to that time and wonder how I made it through. My body needed time to heal on its own. I didn’t need any more help from the doctors. They had caused me enough pain. I was the only one who could pull myself out of it. Sunny helped me to hang on. He didn’t fix it or make it better. They can’t do that for us. They can’t do our work for us. They can only guide us in the right direction. Every time I felt like I wouldn’t make it through another day, I was given a sign that things would get better. I don’t like to talk about it. It’s been almost ten years and, even in my support group, I still have trouble talking about it. My survivor meeting is once a month. I’m able to reaffirm my commitment to my health and support other survivors. Since I’m so far out from treatment, rather than sharing my story over and over again, I’m focusing on what is holding me back now, the things I’m still struggling with. Maybe the poison saved your life? Maybe it did. I’m realizing after spending time with my nieces, kids are a handful and being a parent isn’t easy. They also bring us happiness. You take the good with the bad. At the end of the day, the good outweighs the bad.

Maybe I was hallucinating that day. Maybe the treatment damaged a tiny part of my brain and gave me this clarity, this creativity. You’ve always had it. Most of the time, I shy away from it. I take the easy way out and stop listening. Everyone does. Only my mom knows how bad things were and how it took a long time to come back. I don’t blame myself anymore. I don’t see it as a loss or a sacrifice. It just doesn’t matter. At some point you stop picking the old wound and let it heal. I have to keep getting out of bed and continue to live regardless of what happened. There’s a Hemingway quote, “The world breaks everyone, and afterwards, many are strong at the broken places.” Some days, I’m lazy and slow. I need to push myself more. You’re being too judgmental. Everyone should move at their own pace instead of being rushed. I think that’s part of what happened. Everyone needed me to be the old Julie, which makes perfect sense, I would’ve avoided many years of hell, but I couldn’t find her and that’s okay. Trauma changes people. When you’re given the label of survivor, it’s something to be proud of. It took me a long time to realize that. All the work I’ve done, I won’t throw it away. I’m closer to being that brave person who does the things she says she’s going to do. One can only hope. Yes, one can only hope. You do brave things. I know that.

In order to get caught up, I’m going to write a short December post about my trip to Utah and a recap of 2018. The January post will be my goals and ideas for 2019. I know better than to say I’ll blog whenever because whenever never comes. It’s better to stick to a schedule. See how much better you’re doing because you have a work routine? Yes, I do. After that, I’m going to blog once a month and title them based on the topic. I want each post to be unique rather than a recap of the month because that started to feel annoying. Who really cares what I’m doing lol? I write for myself and in the hope that my experience will help others. Do you ever regret being honest? No, even if it makes me look like a fool. You didn’t look like a fool. Oh, thanks. We only regret the things we didn’t say, the things we didn’t do. I was able to write the first draft of this rather quickly, and I’m shelving much faster at work which goes to show practice makes us better. Although, you can’t rush a blog post, it takes time to develop and revision makes it sound better. You had this one mostly done and then you sat on it for several weeks. I got busy with the holidays, work, laundry and packing. I just didn’t get it posted, it needed more revision. You need to believe in yourself more. People care about you and what you have to say. I guess so. And stop being so overly critical. Whatever you do, it’s enough. This is enough. I agree. Thanks.

Happy New Year!!

Take care and be well,

Julie