I’m going to try to keep this post short and sweet like the month of February. I have a tendency to rattle on and on. While it makes for good reading, I’m not going to leave my heart on the page again. Vulnerability is not a weakness, it’s one of your greatest strengths. The most courageous thing you can do is open up your heart. I know that. My mom showed me a poem that said, “Love is forgiving and for giving.” That’s a nice thought. Grudges are heavy things to carry. Yes, they are. If I could take back the years I spent being angry at my dad for being an alcoholic, I would, but we’re not talking about that now. Julie. What? You have to bet on yourself. You have to choose yourself. You also have to give people chances. I know that now. It’s taken me a long time to get my life back on track and feel normal again. It takes what it takes. I feel like I’ve turned into a goal achieving machine and while there’s nothing wrong with that, I need more balance in my life. Balance is good. The word for February was not discover, it was more like sleep. Besides work, I feel like that’s all I did. I’m not a fan of cold weather, so it’s harder for me to get motivated in the winter. You just need to gain some momentum. I guess so.

I was a bit vague with my goals last month which is okay. When you have as many ideas as I have, it takes awhile to sort them out. You’ll get them sorted out. Maybe I’m resting up because there are so many things I want to accomplish. No, you’re just stalling. That’s one way of looking at it. I’m going to join a dating site. You’ve been saying that for several months now. Well, you can’t rush the princess lol. I do things in my own time. You sure do. Ugh. When I get back from Denver, I’m going to create my profile. I know that’s the next step. Your friends want you to be happy. Don’t you want to be happy? Yes, I think so. I put a lot of pressure on myself which sometimes backfires. You’re afraid to put yourself back out there. It’s scary out there. You’ll be okay. I hope so. I was wondering how I could possibly top last year. It’s not about topping last year, it’s about doing the things that bring you joy. I enjoy going to music concerts and soccer games. I’m going to Utah in June for my niece’s birthday. Yeah! I’m applying to go on a survivor trip. Yeah! I want to get a tattoo to mark my ten year cancerversary. Ouch! It’s important to celebrate special milestones. Yes, it is. 

The challenge I’m going to give myself this year is to start juicing two to three times a week. I want to wake up excited about my day, excited to get out of bed, looking forward to something. I want to feel better. I bought a Breville juicer at Bed Bath and Beyond. It’s the same one my brother, mom, and me were using when my dad was in hospice. We were making them for him. The first green juice I’m going to make is a Kris Carr recipe. She’s a cancer survivor who writes books about health and healing. It’s only five ingredients: cucumber, celery, spinach, green apple, and pear. I’m going to alternate the spinach with kale or romaine. Most of my shifts are in the evening, so I don’t have an excuse. I feel like it’s God’s way of saying, you have time to do this, it’s the next step in your healing process. There’s a part of me that worries about having a recurrence. I’ve been feeling more fatigue than I usually do and it’s concerning to me. I haven’t been getting enough exercise that’s probably the explanation. I’m going to start taking my walks again and see if that makes a difference. I also want to get a blender to make smoothies this summer by then I’ll be wanting something frozen and fruity.

My goal is to stop drinking soda and reduce the amount of sugar and processed foods. My health needs to be my number one focus. I’ve been lucky these last ten years but luck runs out. I have to create an alkaline environment where the cancer can’t grow. I need to stop eating foods which create inflammation because they worsen my fatigue, neuropathy, and depression. While I do eat a lot of healthy foods, I also eat a lot of unhealthy stuff, so it’s a matter of phasing those out. I have to want to live. Every choice I make either moves me toward health or toward disease. I’ve been learning a lot about nutrition over the years. Nature is our pharmacy. My culinary skills are limited and I don’t have a lot of patience, so I need to start with simple recipes. I always feel like recipes are written in Greek lol. It might benefit me to take a few cooking classes. Julie. What? Let yourself live. Do your best, but let yourself live, for the love of God and everyone around you. You’re a riot, Sunny. I’ll do my best.

This month, I celebrated my 41st birthday with my family and friends. I’m still dealing with the fact that I turned 40 last year lol. We went to the Funny Bone comedy club at the Liberty Center. That’s my friend Kathy in the picture with me. Kathy is in my support group. She’s a two-time cancer survivor! She’s an inspiration to me. The comedian’s name was Michael Yo. I enjoyed his show. He did some music jokes that were really funny. It felt good to laugh, it always feels good to laugh. I’m counting the comedy club as my “out of my comfort zone” activity for February because I had never been there before and going to new places can cause me some anxiety. For my March activity, I went to Madea’s Farewell Play Tour in Columbus with my mom. We had a good time. Madea and the entire cast are hilarious. Tyler Perry always shares a positive message. For my April activity, I’m going to a Sunday service at Crossroads Church in Mason. I have a feeling I’ll like it because connecting to faith is important to me. Over the years, my faith has become a source of strength and encouragement.

They say the purpose of life is to find your gift and then give it away. Is writing my gift? I don’t know. I’m not writing anything other than the blog. I have a few stories started that need revision. It’s a lot to commit to writing another book which is probably why I’m content to blog. The goals that are meant for us will find us regardless of how many times we push them away. Maybe we have more than one gift? Probably. Just being alive is a gift and that’s what I keep forgetting. The sunsets, sunrises, laughter and tears, it’s all beautiful and worthwhile. Was getting cancer a gift? No. Did anything good come from it? Yes. I have a tribe now. I still don’t think I comprehend it fully, the magnitude of it all. Does it make me more special or more isolated and troubled? I’m all too quick to minimize my progress. As long as I’m gaining strength from my survivor identity then it’s okay. I need to be a warrior not a worrier. Even though I sometimes wish I were the old me, the new me is just as cool. To go through all of that gives me a vision for my life I probably wouldn’t have had otherwise.

When I was going through treatment, all I wanted to do was read chick lit books because they transported me to a happier place. I was going to try to write a whole post without mentioning cancer. Ugh. Now I’ve thought of a story to tell. Back when my mom and I were walking at Forest Fair Mall (that’s what I’ll always call it even though it has a new name) because I was trying to regain my strength, there was picture of a tiger in one of those directory things. I don’t remember what it was an advertisement for but it said something about giving a voice to the voiceless. And I thought to myself, if I ever get my strength back that’s what I’m going to do, that’s why this happened, so I would use my voice for positive things. Even though getting cancer can leave us feeling powerless, it gives us a special power we need to use for good. How can I be a source of inspiration if I’m not living a life that is inspiring to me? It’s easy for me to make positive changes. How can I keep doing brave things even when I’m scared? I have faith in myself and my abilities. What makes it all worthwhile? The connection is the prize.

Take care and be well,

Julie