Last month, my friend Kathy and I flew to Denver, Colorado to attend a four-day conference called Cancercon. Founded by the organization Stupid Cancer, CancerCon brings young adult survivors together to experience healing, connection, and community. Even though it was my second time, I learned new things and left feeling inspired. For that weekend, you actually feel lucky to be a survivor. Even though this terrible thing happened or is happening to us, we gain strength from each other. Being motivated to fight and live and love, there’s nothing more important than that. I also gain strength from my family, nature, music, faith, and creative hobbies. I still have dark days where I’m being too hard on myself which is why it’s important to attend meetings and conferences. It’s like a big support group or celebration – a way to honor what we have gone through. Being surrounded by people who have been through it and understand is a very normalizing experience.

In some ways, I’ve been an inspiration to Kathy. I was surprised when she said she would go to the conference with me. I’m very proud of her for going and hope she found inspiration, too. It was great to have a roommate, I actually made it to everything on time this year. Well, almost everything, I was late to the dance. Next year, I want to wear a sexy dress or fun outfit to the dance. I’m trying to get my sexy back lol. It’s funny, I just read an article in Health magazine, it was an interview with Shannen Doherty. She went through a similar breast cancer experience. She said getting cancer changed her idea about it. Now, she thinks sexy is strength, compassion, and grace. I love that! It’s true. I often doubt my beauty and forget that my strength makes me more beautiful. I have to be me. There’s a reason I’m me and not someone else – only I can live this life, only I was given these gifts. To want to be like someone else is normal. Something I heard at Crossroads church, “Everyone reflects an aspect of God.” That made me feel happy. It made me feel like who I am is good enough.

The conference schedule is filled with a lot of activities. My favorites were the speakers, workshops, scavenger hunt, dance party, and day trip to Boulder. There were breakout sessions which focus on various cancer related topics. There were art, exercise, and meditation classes. Bowling, paint nite, and the escape room were optional activities with an additional fee. Next year, the conference will be held in Seattle. Although I love Denver, the change of location is a good thing. I hope there will be a musical guest next year. I also missed my friends: Rachael, Lauren, and Peter. They weren’t able to go this year. Survivors are the strongest people I’ve ever met. Let’s see, your life changes in an instant. You endure painful treatments which can leave you with chronic side effects. You see the world differently. You aren’t the person you used to be. I hear ya. Tell me about who you are now. Tell me about who you want to become. It’s a difficult weekend emotionally because everything gets stirred up. It’s interesting to see what’s still simmering inside. You can share during the classes. There are free counseling sessions. I went to one counseling session and found it to be very beneficial.

I went to an Artful Healing class thinking I’d just make a pretty picture. I haven’t made any artwork lately since I’ve been focused on writing. The second picture we did, I started crying. My attempt to hold it all together and be strong was no match for the paint. There’s something about making art which gets you out of your head and into your body. As the tears rolled down my face, I had to remind myself that it’s okay to cry, I’m in a safe place. I had forgotten how quickly art making reveals the truth – that I’m a cry baby. No, I’m a deeply feeling person who has been through a lot. As I looked at my finished painting, I wasn’t happy to see the red square. I wanted it to represent love or passion, but I knew it was my anger about getting cancer and having my life changed. The pain was staring at me, it was hard to look at. I usually keep the pain hidden, it was there for everyone to see. Although I’m better at writing than painting, I feel inspired to make art again. I like watercolor, collage, or acrylics. I want to make happy, abstract, inspirational art. I’m going to add it to my list of hobbies: juicing, art making, indoor soccer. I keep talking about all the stuff I’m going to do, I need to start doing them!

One of my favorite things in Denver is this painting of a young girl. She has so much strength in her eyes. She wears a crown and war paint. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks about her. She’s kind and generous, wise beyond her years. Sometimes, I can’t get past my past. I carry it around like baggage that weighs me down preventing me from moving forward. I need to get better at making decisions and taking action, not in an aggressive way. The things we need come to us without a lot of force, it’s when we’re trying to take what isn’t ours that we run into trouble. We discover our strength when we test it. We have to push ourselves to do things outside of our comfort zone. The strongest thing we can do is let other people help us. I know everyone is waiting for me to join a dating site. I’m waiting for me to join a dating site lol. I haven’t been seeing anyone. I know that’s hard to believe. Before cancer, I always had a boyfriend. I miss the conversation, that’s what I miss, and a few other things. Getting a guy is not the answer, it’s not going to make everything better, it’s just one piece of the puzzle. I do feel like there’s something missing from my life and that could be it.

I don’t feel like I have a right to be depressed because God has blessed me with so much. It’s making me happy to write this blog post. I like to accomplish things. I know the sadness will shift, it always does. I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself, and yet, I have to push myself to get things done. There are people who have a full-time job, kids, and still find time to date. I have so many excuses but none of them get me what I want. My ten year cancerversary is in June, it’s bringing up some emotions. I talked to my brother recently. I enjoyed seeing him and my nieces through FaceTime. He had a good idea, I could go to the doctor for a check-up to ease my mind about a recurrence. I’ll think about it. Can dating be a hobby? Fill up the bench with a new roster lol. I make jokes about it but I’m going to be sincere. I have a different mindset. Although, I’m not budging on the music. If they don’t know who The Cure is or other relevant, iconic bands, that’s a deal breaker. My dating record has been terrible. I met ten guys, pushed most of them away and then took a year off. No wonder I’m lonely again. I’m looking forward to the day when I let someone hold me, that will be nice.

Seeing the rainbow on the flight home reminded me that there is so much beauty after a storm if only we allow ourselves to see it. As survivors, we often remain victims and stay stuck in a story that no longer serves us. What if we were to become warriors, rise above the things that hold us back, move forward in our lives and create a new story? I think that would be awesome, it’s what I’m trying to do. Progress doesn’t happen overnight nor does it happen without going through the hard stuff. Healing is a continual process. How do you know things are getting better? You get to the point where there is more joy and less pain. You also have to let go of the things that are causing you pain. Of course, there will be setbacks that make you wonder if you’ve made any progress. Sometimes, I get in my own way through self-doubt or self-sabotage. It’s usually when I’ve neglected my self-love and self-care practices. Affirmations are so important. The moment I let my negative voice/inner critic start talking and running the show, I’m done for, it’s like a downward spiral and it takes awhile for me to get back on track.

My mom tells me not to share so much personal stuff. She means well. If my journey is going to be of benefit to others, I have to be honest. That way when I do make progress – it’s real and inspiring. It feels better to tell the truth even if it is embarrassing. I’m going to continue to fight for my happiness and peace of mind. I’ll let everyone know when I start dating because that will be good for me and provide some interesting material for the blog. I had fun at the conference. I took notes during the speaker presentations, these were my favorite ideas: “Cancer was one piece of the puzzle, it doesn’t have to be my whole identity. We need the dark and light pieces to form the puzzle. Meaning emerges as you put the pieces together. When you know your why, your what has more impact. Whatever your purpose, do it with passion. Many survivors become scared to live and they keep the brake on. Cherish the people who really matter to you. Let go of what’s holding you back. Be adventurous. Give back to the community. Zoom in and out of the cancer world. Make sure the pity party stops. Practice relentless forgiveness. Hope isn’t contingent, it’s always there. Live in the now!”

Take care and be well,

Julie