I’ve decided to write another blog post since I have extra time on my hands. Some days, I feel really motivated and get a lot done. I feel hopeful that everything will be okay. I’m glad to have a break from work, I was getting a little burnt out. Other days, I’m bummed about the virus, how it’s changed our lives so abruptly. I want life to go back to normal and wonder if that will ever happen. I don’t get as much done as I should but that’s okay, too. We’re a society of do-do-do, it’s rare that we just be-be-be. Nike’s slogan is “Just do it,” it’s not “Just be it.” That would be better lol. So adapting to the changes by not judging ourselves harshly and cutting ourselves some slack will be very helpful during this time. I’m not being as lazy as I could be. I could watch more TV.  I could read the three new books sitting here. There’s always something to do. Putting a bunch of pressure and expectations on our shoulders is not a good thing.

Speaking of which, going on the dating sites created a good escape and more stress. I wondered if I had made a mistake? I wasn’t used to getting so much attention, it was kind of shocking. Of course, I enjoy flattery, who doesn’t? But a lot of it was unwanted, inappropriate, and from guys I’m not attracted to. And they don’t even know me, not to deflect the compliments because I am a sexy beast lol. As my mom put it ever so bluntly, “Most of them are just looking for a piece of ass.” Which is really sad. Women have thoughts and feelings, as do men, to lose all of that is a shame. And I have a nice ass, they need to work for it! So I’m cautious of guys who lead with that strategy. I’m not here to judge, you do you boo. I have to like the guy as a person, who he is and what he stands for. I need a guy who can be patient. That isn’t to say it should take forever or that I’m going to be patient lol. I have to feel like he cares about me and he’ll go at my pace. I continue to trust God. He is bringing and has brought the right guys into my life, it’s my job to welcome the blessings.

Having a lot of options means I can take my time and be selective. I’m attracted to guys who have a great personality, intellect, energy, and can make me laugh. That’s hard to resist. I also have to find them attractive. The biggest thing for me is feeling comfortable to be myself and say what I need to say without being made to feel like it’s too much. Two years ago, when I tried dating, I wasn’t being very open-minded. I found something wrong with each of them and pushed almost all of them away. Now, I see how it was more my stuff and nothing they had done wrong. The guys I did choose were the ones who weren’t really interested and I was chasing them. Now I see how a guy acts when he’s into me. He texts me. He lets me know he’s interested. I’m not left wondering where I stand. There’s a mutual affinity and reassurance. I’ve also learned that if you like someone, act on it, make the effort, meet them if you can. Life is very beautiful when you let it unfold naturally. There’s still no guarantee, but at least you won’t look back and wonder what if?

For me, it’s about taking down the walls I’ve built around me. While it’s great to have options, if it doesn’t work out, you can move onto the next one, but having too many options makes people feel disposable. That’s why it’s a good idea to spend time on your profile, so it represents who you are as a person. Of course, some of them don’t even read what you write. Case in point: it’s written very clearly that I’m allergic to cats and dogs. I still get messages from men who have pets in their profile picture! Being in my forties, I’m in this age range where many of the men are divorced with kids, which is perfectly fine. I somehow skipped all that. I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 31, it’s taken me a long time to get back on the scene. I don’t regret it. The scene doesn’t change, it’s the same game, different year. The more I think about, the more sympathy I have for men. But not too much, some of them are real crafty, you gotta be able to hold your own. I’ve also had to block some of them that won’t stop sending me messages. When you meet someone you like, it makes the struggle worth it. The good connections just click.

When a person goes through something as scary as cancer, it changes their perspective. God saved me for a reason: to give back to others, to learn how to give to myself, to be even one-tenth as loving as He is. I don’t know why exactly. I still grapple with forgiveness and acceptance. I still get upset that my life changed. Even though it’s given me the gift of writing. Even though my faith has become something that guides me every day. Even though I’ve learned how to be alone and like it. God gives each of us unique gifts, it’s important to make good use of them. Discovering our purpose in life is something to be grateful for, it isn’t something to squander. This time, I’m praying on it, I’m asking God, “Is this the man you have for me and is it safe to develop feelings for him?” I’ve also learned not to get super excited about someone because it can just fizzle out. I’m proud of myself for taking this small step into the dating world. I have to continue to be brave and vulnerable.

Sometimes, it takes life coming to a screeching halt or hitting rock bottom before we can see clearly what’s important. In the long run, I’m looking for someone who wants to grow and evolve together. For now, I’m going to go with the flow and make good decisions. I’m steering clear of drama. I’m not rescuing birds with broken wings. And when I see a bunch of red flags, I’m not going to turn colorblind and think he’s a prize lol. Love is a two-way street. Someone had this written on their profile, “You shouldn’t have to make it work.” That’s true. There’s a big difference between effort and force. The door doesn’t open for a reason. I’m done knocking like an idiot on the wrong doors. I’m too old to be making the same mistakes. The whole point of a dating site is to help everyone find their person, it’s not about being the right person for everyone. It’s also good to look at what they write for religion, politics, and having children. Sometimes, we overlook those things in the beginning, but as time goes on being in agreement will be very important.

And if case you thought Covid-19 would stop them from trying, guess again. I’ve gotten several messages like, “Been in quarantine for 14 days, no symptoms, want to hook up?” How do they know I don’t have symptoms? I guess they’re willing to take the chance. In trying to understand how men think, one of my guy friends told me that some men have a cassette tape in their brain that’s on repeat, “Just get laid, just get laid.” I guess I’ve quieted that tape over the years, but now the volume is turned back up. Making love is a beautiful thing, it’s not something I should deny myself. I remember what it feels like and I was worried for nothing. How silly to deny myself that experience. It’s taken me a long time to even want to be with someone. I cried one night, it was partly my fault. I want them to want me and see me as desirable, so I shouldn’t punish them for when they come onto me. That isn’t fair to them. Especially if they’re being kind and respectful or even if they’re being naughty. It’s something I’m working on, feeling normal, pretty, sexy again. I have to go through what I’m feeling, I can’t bypass my feelings. There should be stuff coming up for me, it means I’m making progress.

I thought of a good question, “What are the things I’m doing or thinking that prevent me from getting the love I need?” I focus on work instead of play. I’m afraid to take chances. I don’t feel good enough or worthy of love. I compare myself to other women. I’m used to being alone. I’m set in my ways. I have a fear of rejection. I feel different now, it’s just easier to be alone. I worry they won’t like me. I’m too quiet. I’m too weird. I’ll say something wrong and embarrass myself. I won’t be in control and that feels scary. I won’t be pretty enough and they’ll flirt with other women. They’ll laugh at me. They won’t understand me. I push away the right guys and entertain the wrong ones. I’m too thin. I’m too smart. I’m too strong. I’m alway too something. They won’t respect my normal, functional boundaries. They won’t give me their undivided attention. I’m going to be disappointed anyway so why bother? I’ve forgotten how to let my guard down and just be a woman who has needs.

Wow, that’s a lot of stuff interfering with your love life. It was just a brainstorm. Those thoughts have crossed my mind in the past. You’ve come a long way. I know. I wasn’t going to share this, but it’s a victory. A breakthrough, literally, which is inspiring to others. I’m thankful to have met someone who likes me and I felt comfortable to open up in that way. I was finally ready to be intimate even though I picked a weird time. We’re in the middle of a pandemic. I put myself at risk of getting the coronavirus. So far so good, no symptoms. I feel like God brought us together and allowed us to share that experience. Two givers who deserve so much love and affection. After all this time, I’m no longer celibate. I feel more like myself again. I’m glad everything is okay. I worried for so long that their pogo stick wouldn’t go in there and I would disappoint them, that wasn’t the case at all. It was amazing. Men learn how to open up from women because we do this naturally. Society allows women to cry and show emotion. Men are in desperate need of this space, they just go about getting it the wrong way. Maybe physical touch is how they show you how much they like you? Yeah, maybe it’s me who doesn’t understand! Even though they act like clumsy cavemen sometimes, they can be very loving, charming, and adorable.

Take care,

Julie