I’ve decided to write another blog post since I have extra time on my hands. Some days, I feel really motivated and get a lot done. I feel hopeful that everything will be okay. I’m glad to have a break from work, I was getting a little burnt out. Other days, I’m bummed about the virus, how it’s changed our lives so abruptly. I want life to go back to normal and wonder if that will ever happen. I don’t get as much done as I should but that’s okay, too. We’re a society of do-do-do, it’s rare that we just be-be-be. Nike’s slogan is “Just do it,” it’s not “Just be it.” That would be better lol. So adapting to the changes by not judging ourselves harshly and cutting ourselves some slack will be very helpful during this time. I’m not being as lazy as I could be. I could watch more TV.  I could read the three new books sitting here. There’s always something to do. Putting a bunch of pressure and expectations on our shoulders is not a good thing.

Speaking of which, going on the dating sites created a good escape and more stress. I wondered if I had made a mistake? I wasn’t used to getting so much attention, it was kind of shocking. Of course, I enjoy flattery, who doesn’t? But a lot of it was unwanted, inappropriate, and from guys I’m not attracted to. And they don’t even know me, not to deflect the compliments because I am a sexy beast lol. As my mom put it ever so bluntly, “Most of them are just looking for a piece of ass.” Which is really sad. Women have thoughts and feelings, as do men, to lose all of that is a shame. And I have a nice ass, they need to work for it! So I’m cautious of guys who lead with that strategy. I’m not here to judge, you do you boo. I have to like the guy as a person, who he is and what he stands for. I need a guy who can be patient. That isn’t to say it should take forever or that I’m going to be patient lol. I have to feel like he cares about me and he’ll go at my pace. I continue to trust God. He is bringing and has brought the right guys into my life, it’s my job to welcome the blessings.

Having a lot of options means I can take my time and be selective. I’m attracted to guys who have a great personality, intellect, energy, and can make me laugh. That’s hard to resist. I also have to find them attractive. The biggest thing for me is feeling comfortable to be myself and say what I need to say without being made to feel like it’s too much. Two years ago, when I tried dating, I wasn’t being very open-minded. I found something wrong with each of them and pushed almost all of them away. Now, I see how it was more my stuff and nothing they had done wrong. The guys I did choose were the ones who weren’t really interested and I was chasing them. Now I see how a guy acts when he’s into me. He texts me. He lets me know he’s interested. I’m not left wondering where I stand. There’s a mutual affinity and reassurance. I’ve also learned that if you like someone, act on it, make the effort, meet them if you can. Life is very beautiful when you let it unfold naturally. There’s still no guarantee, but at least you won’t look back and wonder what if?

For me, it’s about taking down the walls I’ve built around me. While it’s great to have options, if it doesn’t work out, you can move onto the next one, but having too many options makes people feel disposable. That’s why it’s a good idea to spend time on your profile, so it represents who you are as a person. Of course, some of them don’t even read what you write. Case in point: it’s written very clearly that I’m allergic to cats and dogs. I still get messages from men who have pets in their profile picture! Being in my forties, I’m in this age range where many of the men are divorced with kids, which is perfectly fine. I somehow skipped all that. I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 31, it’s taken me a long time to get back on the scene. I don’t regret it. The scene doesn’t change, it’s the same game, different year. The more I think about, the more sympathy I have for men. But not too much, some of them are real crafty, you gotta be able to hold your own. I’ve also had to block some of them that won’t stop sending me messages. When you meet someone you like, it makes the struggle worth it. The good connections just click.

When a person goes through something as scary as cancer, it changes their perspective. God saved me for a reason: to give back to others, to learn how to give to myself, to be even one-tenth as loving as He is. I don’t know why exactly. I still grapple with forgiveness and acceptance. I still get upset that my life changed. Even though it’s given me the gift of writing. Even though my faith has become something that guides me every day. Even though I’ve learned how to be alone and like it. God gives each of us unique gifts, it’s important to make good use of them. Discovering our purpose in life is something to be grateful for, it isn’t something to squander. This time, I’m praying on it, I’m asking God, “Is this the man you have for me and is it safe to develop feelings for him?” I’ve also learned not to get super excited about someone because it can just fizzle out. I’m proud of myself for taking this small step into the dating world. I have to continue to be brave and vulnerable.

Sometimes, it takes life coming to a screeching halt or hitting rock bottom before we can see clearly what’s important. In the long run, I’m looking for someone who wants to grow and evolve together. For now, I’m going to go with the flow and make good decisions. I’m steering clear of drama. I’m not rescuing birds with broken wings. And when I see a bunch of red flags, I’m not going to turn colorblind and think he’s a prize lol. Love is a two-way street. Someone had this written on their profile, “You shouldn’t have to make it work.” That’s true. There’s a big difference between effort and force. The door doesn’t open for a reason. I’m done knocking like an idiot on the wrong doors. I’m too old to be making the same mistakes. The whole point of a dating site is to help everyone find their person, it’s not about being the right person for everyone. It’s also good to look at what they write for religion, politics, and having children. Sometimes, we overlook those things in the beginning, but as time goes on being in agreement will be very important.

And if case you thought Covid-19 would stop them from trying, guess again. I’ve gotten several messages like, “Been in quarantine for 14 days, no symptoms, want to hook up?” How do they know I don’t have symptoms? I guess they’re willing to take the chance. In trying to understand how men think, one of my guy friends told me that some men have a cassette tape in their brain that’s on repeat, “Just get laid, just get laid.” I guess I’ve quieted that tape over the years, but now the volume is turned back up. Making love is a beautiful thing, it’s not something I should deny myself. I remember what it feels like and I was worried for nothing. How silly to deny myself that experience. It’s taken me a long time to even want to be with someone. I cried one night, it was partly my fault. I want them to want me and see me as desirable, so I shouldn’t punish them for when they come onto me. That isn’t fair to them. Especially if they’re being kind and respectful or even if they’re being naughty. It’s something I’m working on, feeling normal, pretty, sexy again. I have to go through what I’m feeling, I can’t bypass my feelings. There should be stuff coming up for me, it means I’m making progress.

I thought of a good question, “What are the things I’m doing or thinking that prevent me from getting the love I need?” I focus on work instead of play. I’m afraid to take chances. I don’t feel good enough or worthy of love. I compare myself to other women. I’m used to being alone. I’m set in my ways. I have a fear of rejection. I feel different now, it’s just easier to be alone. I worry they won’t like me. I’m too quiet. I’m too weird. I’ll say something wrong and embarrass myself. I won’t be in control and that feels scary. I won’t be pretty enough and they’ll flirt with other women. They’ll laugh at me. They won’t understand me. I push away the right guys and entertain the wrong ones. I’m too thin. I’m too smart. I’m too strong. I’m alway too something. They won’t respect my normal, functional boundaries. They won’t give me their undivided attention. I’m going to be disappointed anyway so why bother? I’ve forgotten how to let my guard down and just be a woman who has needs.

Wow, that’s a lot of stuff interfering with your love life. It was just a brainstorm. Those thoughts have crossed my mind in the past. You’ve come a long way. I know. I wasn’t going to share this, but it’s a victory. A breakthrough, literally, which is inspiring to others. I’m thankful to have met someone who likes me and I felt comfortable to open up in that way. I was finally ready to be intimate even though I picked a weird time. We’re in the middle of a pandemic. I put myself at risk of getting the coronavirus. So far so good, no symptoms. I feel like God brought us together and allowed us to share that experience. Two givers who deserve so much love and affection. After all this time, I’m no longer celibate. I feel more like myself again. I’m glad everything is okay. I worried for so long that their pogo stick wouldn’t go in there and I would disappoint them, that wasn’t the case at all. It was amazing. Men learn how to open up from women because we do this naturally. Society allows women to cry and show emotion. Men are in desperate need of this space, they just go about getting it the wrong way. Maybe physical touch is how they show you how much they like you? Yeah, maybe it’s me who doesn’t understand! Even though they act like clumsy cavemen sometimes, they can be very loving, charming, and adorable.

Take care,

Julie

I haven’t blogged in a year. The last post was April of 2019. I don’t know what’s going to happen with our world. I don’t know if this is the end or everything will be okay someday. I’ve heard it will get worse before it gets better. It certainly seems to be doing that. The numbers in Ohio and the other states continue to rise each day. I’ve never experienced something like this before. I guess it’s like a rumor or when you wash a red sock with a white shirt. I don’t have the answers. I’m safe in my apartment, so I shouldn’t complain. I can offer inspiration which sounds silly in the grand scheme of things, but it’s our hope and faith that gets us through the hard times. I know that for a fact. Think about it and then don’t think about it. It’s okay to make jokes to ease the seriousness or the absurdity. We’re still in shock that our lives have changed so drastically in the last two weeks. So when I say it’s scary and depressing, it is.

I just saw something that gave me a glimmer of hope for China. From the New York Times: “For the first time since the crisis began, China reported no new local infections for the previous 24 hours. Experts have said at least 14 straight days without new infections are needed for the outbreak to be considered over.”

To leave the apartment yesterday, I had to tell my mind everything was fine, it’s just an ordinary day. Not much harm was going to come from taking a walk, but the threat is real. No one wants a viral pneumonia and those who already have health issues can die from it. I ran into my mom’s friend who lives in the neighborhood behind me. We stayed on separate sides of the street while we talked briefly. We were taking precaution. Who knows if one of us is carrying it? I’m good at worrying, this gives my anxiety something to do. I’m already hypervigilant, this is right up my alley. I’m a pro at self-isolating, this is normal for me. But who wants to have or be any of those things? It’s a wake-up call for me. It reminds me of a winter about five years ago when I had a phobia of salt, the stuff they use to de-ice the roads. I didn’t leave my apartment for two weeks because I couldn’t step on it. I had to wait for it to rain. What’s the rain going to be this time? I can create a new practice of acceptance and peace of mind. Embrace the fear, work with it, move through it. Understand what it has to say. I can make things that give me hope and strength.

Fear is usually wrong, in its effort to protect us, sometimes it overshoots the mark. I’ve heard this is another thing the government is using to scare us, similar to when we were supposed to be scared of Osama bin Laden. I rarely listen to the news and for the few minutes that I did, it reminded me of when another president talked about a scary foreign threat we were fighting against. I think the real threat is our greed and lack of humanity. The world is crumbling around us because all we care about is our self-interest. I’m not saying it’s wrong to want to protect ourselves. It’s scary to think of how panicked we’ve become and how it turns us against each other. Instead of sharing, which is what we’re taught in kindergarten, we’re hoarding. I’m not pointing fingers at anyone. It’s a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I have a feeling many of us could develop PTSD from this which would be another awful side effect. And we’re being forced to be separate from each other when our strength comes from our togetherness.

I think our governor, Mike DeWine, has done an amazing job. He started cancelling things when he saw what was happening in the other states and countries. He was listening to advice from health officials. He’s 73, I think by the time you’re 73, you’re pretty wise. I dislike uncertainty and lack of control over a situation so this is another lesson for me. Thank God we still have technology so we can work online and talk to our loved ones on the phone. I just had a virtual meeting with my cancer survivor support group on Zoom. There were six of us. It was great to see them, hear their thoughts, voice my concerns and get feedback. I was a little nervous on the video call. I’m not used to doing them, but I’m glad I did. Feeling connected to my friends is important. Even though things are bad right now, they had a positive attitude and put things in perspective. They were realistic in their advice and didn’t sugarcoat anything.

This coronavirus is forcing us to go inward, to ask ourselves what we really need. Most of the time we keep ourselves very busy. That’s what America is known for – progress and patriotism. I’m against war and killing innocent people. I realize peace will get you killed, but I’d rather die in truth than stand on the wrong side. We need to get our heads on straight and start caring about each other. The earth is fighting back because it’s being mistreated, it sees our insanity. When distractions are taken away from us, we hear the truth, the pain, the feelings. We prefer to tune them out or numb out. For the most part that’s okay, the mind has to take breaks and rest. There are many, many angels who spend their nights and days saving people. For the rest of us, we can embrace kindness and compassion. We can listen more to our spirit and less to our ego. I’m glad this website is still up and running so I can speak my mind even if it’s a bunch of New Age nonsense. I wrote a love poem last month that I’ve been revising, hopefully, I’ll share it soon. All of these Hallmark movies are teaching me that love is real and worth fighting for.

I went on a dating site today for about five minutes. I looked around. I didn’t pay my money and shut it down. I guess I’m still not ready for that. I’ve been putting it off for so long that I finally thought, what the hell? I don’t think it was the right site. I saw a lot of guys who weren’t my type. I might be too vulnerable to talk with someone new that’s why I have to be careful who I choose. I guess if I’m quarantined for long enough, I’ll try a different site and give it a chance. I know there are nice guys out there who might be feeling the same way I do. I felt like writing this blog was more important or that I would get more out of it. Maybe it’s easier to be in my thoughts right now. I’ve created rules for the next time. #1 Instead of feeling overwhelmed, enjoy the attention. #2 Only message them back if I’m interested. #3 Putting myself out there is the first step towards friendship and intimacy. #4 The dating world has changed, more than likely, we’ll be pen pals for awhile. #5 Stay open to possibility and trust my intuition. #6 Stay strong and independent. #7 Have fun!

I think our nation has been sick for awhile. There will be a massive healing if we start acting from a place of love instead of fear. It’s going to take time. I had a bad feeling when I first heard about the virus. I felt silly when I shared my initial reaction. Being empathetic to the suffering of others is paramount right now. It should be paramount every day. We have homeless people that we walk by every day, and yet we do nothing. We don’t do enough to help the people who need our help. The coronavirus is a symptom of a much larger problem, our inability to open our hearts and help the sick. So, I pledge to open my heart. I pledge to heal what is sick inside of me. I guess the weak are always threatened. Now, it’s the elderly and those with existing health problems. How do we help them now? We do what we can, we do more than we can. We help others who can, we pray to God who can. Thank you for listening.

Julie