A lot has happened since I last blogged. My book went live in what seemed like the blink of an eye. That’s right, in less than a week after my brother uploaded the files, the book went live. I’m probably still in shock, repeating the words so they will sink in and feel real. It’s a dream come true, and I don’t feel freaked out like I thought I would. The world didn’t stop, people didn’t knock on my door, and yet, the universe winked at me. 😉

Let me back up a step, the UPS guy delivered the book to my door. I paid extra so I shouldn’t have been surprised. The book sat there for twenty minutes before I could look inside. I bawled my eyes out like a big baby as I looked through it. The print, text, and paper exceeded my expectations. It looked amazing! I made a video to have a record of the event. I uploaded it to YouTube, changed my mind and deleted it. Nobody needs to see me crying with bad angles and poor lighting. I’m glad I have the video for myself, to remember how happy I felt knowing my hard work created something beautiful and magical.

I announced it on Twitter to the sound of crickets, which isn’t surprising since I don’t reach out much. I think marketing and promotion will take some time and effort. I have joined a breast cancer chat group #bcsm which was really fun. It’s on Monday nights at 9pm. I found another one for tonight, Tuesday, at 5pm #bccww. I finally made contact with my community and making friends with people who understand feels good. Why has it taken me this long to reach out and share my story? I don’t know.

We heal at different rates. Healing is an ongoing process. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea or impression about the title of the book. All of a sudden I got scared that I had made the biggest cancer faux pas in the world, telling survivors to get over it. I think it’s different coming from another survivor, at least I hope so. This is the stuff that helped me, stuff that’s still helping me. Being creative is how we release all the yucky feelings that keep us stuck in the past.

The book title came from a text message a coworker/friend sent to me after treatment ended. He asked me, “So, have you put all that cancer stuff behind you?” There was no way I could’ve answered, “Yes.” I had just been through hell, physically and emotionally wrecked, that’s not easy to sweep under the rug. I don’t think he was trying to be rude or insincere. In a sense, I let the pain drag me down and pull me away from the love and support I needed. So, in an ironic twist of fate, I am released from my pain and isolation.

There is an expectation for survivors to sweep it all under the rug and get back to normal. I think this is easier for some people. I am a very sensitive person and I tend to ruminate. Now I realize I could have been channeling my bitterness into advocacy or something more useful. I could’ve been volunteering or speaking at conferences. When does recovery or depression cross the line into being self-indulgent and somewhat harmful? Good question.

The morning after I announced the book on Twitter, I expected to see a few messages on my phone from friends congratulating me. I only had one message, and it wasn’t even about the book. And yet, that one message made me smile, and it was better than ten messages. Life is about finding chemistry with others, and being brave enough to take the next step. Even if it’s a baby step.

One more funny tidbit. The “Look Inside” feature on Amazon is great except for the first page of the Introduction is omitted. It took me a moment, then I realized why. I say “sucked” and “panties.” Not in a sexual way, this isn’t 50 Shades of Grey. It’s more like 50 Shades of Recovery. If you do buy the book, please leave an honest review, it would help me a lot. Thanks 🙂

Have a good week,

Julie