Everything is funny to me these days, which is a good thing because it means my mood is improving and I’m not taking things too seriously. I have to admit after shaking hands with death, my sense of humor is a bit skewed but that’s not a bad thing. Laughter is the best medicine.

My mom and I were at the grocery store the other day, and she asked me, “What else is on your list?”

“Honey and sugar.” I replied.

We looked at each and laughed. It still makes me laugh! 🙂

I’m done drinking the tap water, and I shouldn’t have been drinking it for the past three years. Mason has terrible water. I’m sorry; it’s the truth. It’s like clay. People put down Hamilton, at least the water there isn’t full of calcium, lime, and rust. I found some good bottled water; it’s called Simple Truth Artesian naturally balanced ph of 7.6. I’m also thinking of buying a blender, so I can make fruit and veggie smoothies this summer, now that sounds good.

I had a quiet book launch, I’m not a celebrity after all. It took me three weeks to send my family and friends the email announcement. I got a lot of congratulation replies which made me feel good. My friends were glad I finally finished it. I didn’t know it was going to take that long. My friend, Tracy, who lives in Colorado is going to carry the book in her yoga studio which is very exciting for me. I still need to have an official celebration dinner party with my family and friends.

I’ve applied and been accepted into a book fair in Berkeley, California. It’s called the Bay Area Book Festival; it’s the weekend of June 4-5.  Despite being nervous, I’ve decided it’s going to be a great learning experience and good exposure for the book. Obviously, there’s no possible way that I can make a profit. This isn’t about money; it hasn’t been about money from day one. There’s a part of me that’s ready for an adventure, she’s the one making all the plans! 🙂

At first, my mom didn’t want me to go, and we fought about it for almost a week. I’m sure my neighbors were wondering what we were yelling about, since I had her on speaker phone. They’ve heard me crying for three years, and now I’m yelling, “Let me out!”

What I lack in patience, I make up for in stubbornness, so my mom knew it was a losing battle. I knew that if I didn’t back down, she would back down. She’s right, it’s going to be difficult. I haven’t been getting out much. It will force me out of my comfort zone and challenge my OCD and phobias. I will have to face my fears and find out what in the hell am I really afraid of and why did I stop living to write a book about nearly dying.

It’s funny, one minute my mom was yelling at me, telling me I’m not going, the next minute she’s helping me get things figured out. I guess it’s a test to see how bad I want it. I feel like I owe it to the book and myself to take it out into the world. No, I’m not perfectly healthy. I need to wash the new clothes I bought last year and never got around to washing, because the book always came first.

I need to buy a carry-on luggage, it’s only a weekend, so I don’t need to check a big bag. I need to buy toiletries, a tablecloth, and book holder. I need to order business cards. I need to get an affirmation card made into prints so that it can be “free with book purchase.” I need to be grateful, let go, and have fun! 🙂 And I’m looking forward to seeing my new friends: Mike, Rosy, Patty, and Larry.

I made the hotel reservation first, they put a list on their website, and I got a really good discounted rate on a hotel that’s a block from the festival. From the map, it looks like there’s a Starbucks on my way, which is awesome. There are themed blocks, and I’m an exhibitor on Inspirational Avenue which makes me laugh because my life has become inspiration, so it doesn’t surprise me to end up there.

I made the flight a few days later and got a great price. It had to be Delta because that’s what I’ve always flown. I wanted a non-stop flight, but the only one was at 8pm and that would’ve gotten me in too late, as it is, I have a 45-minute bus ride from the airport to the hotel. I get to go across the big bridge. (I know it has a name, that’s what I like to call it, things are less intimidating with nicknames.) Hopefully, I will get a window seat and take pictures like a tourist!

My excitement switched to fear and now it’s switched back to excitement. Yeah!!! Hopefully, I can find a middle ground soon. Put things in perspective, take the pressure off, and count my blessings! 🙂

Have a good week,

Julie

p.s. I forgot to tell you about the synchronicity. When I went for the TSA pre-check interview, the lady that did my fingerprints recognized my last name. She stopped and looked at me strangely. She kept saying, “I think I knew your dad.” I told her my dad’s family is from Harrison/New Haven. And her jaw dropped. I said, “My dad died nine years ago today, he would’ve been 69. You don’t look that old.” She thanked me for the compliment and then named his elementary school. She said, “I went to elementary school with your dad.” It makes me cry now, because I think my dad was giving me his blessing, as crazy as that sounds.

A lot has happened since I last blogged. My book went live in what seemed like the blink of an eye. That’s right, in less than a week after my brother uploaded the files, the book went live. I’m probably still in shock, repeating the words so they will sink in and feel real. It’s a dream come true, and I don’t feel freaked out like I thought I would. The world didn’t stop, people didn’t knock on my door, and yet, the universe winked at me. 😉

Let me back up a step, the UPS guy delivered the book to my door. I paid extra so I shouldn’t have been surprised. The book sat there for twenty minutes before I could look inside. I bawled my eyes out like a big baby as I looked through it. The print, text, and paper exceeded my expectations. It looked amazing! I made a video to have a record of the event. I uploaded it to YouTube, changed my mind and deleted it. Nobody needs to see me crying with bad angles and poor lighting. I’m glad I have the video for myself, to remember how happy I felt knowing my hard work created something beautiful and magical.

I announced it on Twitter to the sound of crickets, which isn’t surprising since I don’t reach out much. I think marketing and promotion will take some time and effort. I have joined a breast cancer chat group #bcsm which was really fun. It’s on Monday nights at 9pm. I found another one for tonight, Tuesday, at 5pm #bccww. I finally made contact with my community and making friends with people who understand feels good. Why has it taken me this long to reach out and share my story? I don’t know.

We heal at different rates. Healing is an ongoing process. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea or impression about the title of the book. All of a sudden I got scared that I had made the biggest cancer faux pas in the world, telling survivors to get over it. I think it’s different coming from another survivor, at least I hope so. This is the stuff that helped me, stuff that’s still helping me. Being creative is how we release all the yucky feelings that keep us stuck in the past.

The book title came from a text message a coworker/friend sent to me after treatment ended. He asked me, “So, have you put all that cancer stuff behind you?” There was no way I could’ve answered, “Yes.” I had just been through hell, physically and emotionally wrecked, that’s not easy to sweep under the rug. I don’t think he was trying to be rude or insincere. In a sense, I let the pain drag me down and pull me away from the love and support I needed. So, in an ironic twist of fate, I am released from my pain and isolation.

There is an expectation for survivors to sweep it all under the rug and get back to normal. I think this is easier for some people. I am a very sensitive person and I tend to ruminate. Now I realize I could have been channeling my bitterness into advocacy or something more useful. I could’ve been volunteering or speaking at conferences. When does recovery or depression cross the line into being self-indulgent and somewhat harmful? Good question.

The morning after I announced the book on Twitter, I expected to see a few messages on my phone from friends congratulating me. I only had one message, and it wasn’t even about the book. And yet, that one message made me smile, and it was better than ten messages. Life is about finding chemistry with others, and being brave enough to take the next step. Even if it’s a baby step.

One more funny tidbit. The “Look Inside” feature on Amazon is great except for the first page of the Introduction is omitted. It took me a moment, then I realized why. I say “sucked” and “panties.” Not in a sexual way, this isn’t 50 Shades of Grey. It’s more like 50 Shades of Recovery. If you do buy the book, please leave an honest review, it would help me a lot. Thanks 🙂

Have a good week,

Julie

Good news! I’ve ordered the paperback proof; it should be here by Friday. I’m excited to see and hold the book in my hands. If everything looks alright, I will release the book for purchase! Although, I might wait until the eBook is ready and release them together. The cover (which I still haven’t shared) is bright, happy, beautiful, and amazing. I have no idea how he captured exactly what it needed to be.

Thanks to my brother for helping me upload the cover and interior files to CreateSpace. My computer just wasn’t having it. I tried for three days, kept getting an error message to check my internet connection. Of course, my brother uploaded the files in under two minutes, while he was feeding my niece lunch. He said maybe I just needed to switch to another browser like Safari instead of Firefox. Computers are not my specialty.

Ryan will do the eBook conversion when he returns from vacation the week of April 4th. I heard back from CreateSpace today, in less than 12 hours, that the files passed inspection and I could order the proof copy. I didn’t cry. I’ve cried so many tears, I’m trying to be a big girl, lol. I’m probably going to cry when I’m holding the book in my hands. I will take some pictures and share them. Hopefully, I can stop being such a scaredy cat.

To make a long story short, don’t be afraid of self-publishing. If I can figure it out, anyone can. I’m doing what I thought I couldn’t do, and that’s the best feeling in the world. The feeling of accomplishment. Being proud of what I have created. Sharing a message of hope. Seeing my dream become a reality. I believed in myself and trusted my intuition. Let’s not forget the most important element … magic.

Yes, the process has been nerve-wracking at times, and I questioned whether I was making the right decision. It is a monetary investment. I’ve had to choose, organize, and manage the editing, formatting, and cover design, which would’ve been handled by the publisher. But I had total control and learned how the process works from the inside out. Traditional publishing takes longer. I had already spent so many years hem-hawing around that it was time to get serious.

I just realized I haven’t blogged since March 17th. Writing is my guilty pleasure, much like Sour Cream and Onion Pringles. I need to blog more often. I tend to wait until the words are ready rather than forcing them. I’ve been busy making the final corrections, there were five pages, once he typeset the manuscript several weird spacing things occurred. There was something in each section that needed to be fixed. Looking forward to the day when it truly is the final read though. It will be your first read through, I hope you enjoy it! 🙂

Have a good week,

Julie