I’ve decided to combine July and August since I’ve gotten so far behind. I was thinking about taking a break from blogging, but you don’t quit the things that are working. It’s okay to step away for awhile, it just has to be for the right reasons like focusing on another creative project. The wrong reasons are: fear, self-doubt or thinking my words don’t matter. Those reasons need to be faced and challenged. Writing is important to me, it’s my calling even though it drives me nuts sometimes. These words, what do they matter? A great deal, I suppose. I’m a weaver of words, a teller of tales. For awhile, I didn’t know what to say or rather what needed to be said. My blog works best when I’m being honest, when it’s like a normal conversation. When I start trying to control it or censor myself, the magic and excitement are lost. My writing has become much stronger. I wrote my first blog post in November of 2016. I’ve published 74 posts since then, this one will be 75. Doing something for the sheer love of it speaks volumes and is a reward in and of itself. My mom gave me a compliment, she told me that I’m a good writer. Getting a compliment from her is something, she doesn’t just throw them around. The only thing I’ve ever been good at is soccer lol. I’m still thinking about joining an indoor soccer team.

I want to set the record straight because there has been some speculation. I don’t have a secret boyfriend hiding out somewhere. First of all, I can’t keep a secret, if I had a boyfriend y’all would know about him. It had something to do with a comment my mom made on my FB post. She said, “btw, they won.” I know, I was sitting right there lol. I’m not going to miss the end of the game. Maybe I was okay with people thinking I was seeing someone, it makes me seem less pathetic. It’s actually more pathetic to continue dating when all I was doing was getting hurt, hurting people or making bad decisions. Maybe all of that is part of dating. We make mistakes in order to learn and grow so we can do better next time. I feel like I’ve gotten stronger. I’ve been focused on my job which I still find rewarding. The joy of helping people and the feeling of self-worth is worth more than the paycheck, although the paycheck is nice too. Now that I have a handle on my job, I could start dating again. I’m going to look for compatibility, chemistry, availability, respect, and friendship as the foundation. All of that sounds great, but if you still have walls up to keep them out, it won’t matter. I know, I need to stop running away from a deeper connection and let someone get close to me. When it’s time, not prematurely or haphazardly. I’ve never had a guy over to my apartment. I’m very protective of my time and space which is a good thing since I can be a bit naive sometimes.

So it wasn’t always their fault, I had a lot of armor around my heart. That still doesn’t make the wrong person right or I have to like someone more than I do just to give them a chance. I also don’t have to put up with rude, disrespectful behavior or the really annoying fake nice, condescending tone. Most of them are just trying to get laid and they take the shortest route possible. I move much slower and often get left behind. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’m a very honest person. I can’t fake what I’m feeling. When it comes to dating, I need to hold onto my cards instead of laying them down. Cue the Kenny Rogers’ song, The Gambler, lol. I need to stop giving my power away. For the longest time, I didn’t want a guy in my life and that’s the vibe I was putting out there. Now, I feel somewhat differently. I have to figure out how to create space in my life for someone else. I don’t know why I’m so afraid. When someone cares about you, they won’t take advantage of you, they want you to become strong and empowered. They’ll be happy that you have dreams and goals. I realize that now. This time, I’ll be able to say that I have a job, I won’t have to explain the past because I’ve made peace with it. I was putting my self-worth into their hands by asking them if I was good enough. I felt like being a survivor made me less than, like it was something I had to apologize for. That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. You should be proud of yourself. I am proud of myself.

“Another rainy Saturday.” I said to my coworker. He looked out the window and said, “It stopped raining.” He’s right, it stopped raining many years ago and I still find myself getting stuck there. It might be helpful for me to see a therapist who specializes in PTSD. This year started off badly. I wasn’t happy working at the clothing store and decided to quit my job. Instead of seeing it as a success, I saw it as a failure. Hitting rock bottom is painful, yet it can be a very powerful turning point where we’re forced to grow up and take responsibility. If we do the work and make changes, we’re redirected to something better. Like a puzzle, God helps us put the pieces in the right place. Something shifted for me at the conference in April. I felt hopeful and inspired, like no matter what happened I was going to be okay. I don’t want to lose what I’ve worked so hard to gain – my peace of mind, my strength, my relationship with God. Healing is a continual process. It’s easy to slip back into old ways of being and choose people who allow us to re-experience the chaos and dysfunction we experienced growing up. We’re trying to resolve the past but that way creates more pain. We have to live consciously: communicate honestly, love ourselves unconditionally, and develop functional boundaries. We heal our wounds of abandonment any time we protect our inner child from harm and get our needs met in a healthy way. We think that life without drama will be boring, it’s not, manipulation and heartbreak are incredibly boring.

I think September is going to be a fun month. I’m going to two music concerts and on a family vacation to a very warm destination. I’m looking forward to spending time with my family especially my two nieces. 🙂 🙂 I want to make good choices. Sometimes the wisest choice is to give in to what your heart desires. I don’t know about that. At the end of day, we just want to be heard and understood. We want to feel like someone cares which is risky because they can take that away, but anything that isn’t given freely isn’t worth having anyway. I have faith that I can find my way, I always do. That’s the beauty of life – we can do anything we want within reason. Sometimes the best things happen when we are a bit outside of reason, a bit out of our minds. Perhaps, I’ve become too careful. Somebody told me my problem is that I act like a nun. They said it jokingly but in some ways they’re right. I’ve been trying to get back into my body. I wanted to say, you go through chemotherapy and radiation and see what you act like. I’d rather be a nun than a slut. Nobody wants something that’s easy to take. I’d rather have something sacred than something that falls apart after a few months. I need to get back out there. I’m going to try to meet five more guys by the end of the year or by my birthday. That sounds reasonable. I still need to decide on which dating site. They’re all the same. I guess so.

Recently, I saw a red bird and a rainbow in the space of a few minutes. Based on the book I was reading, those are examples of heavenly comfort. I also see some amazing sunsets on my way home from work. The stronger my faith becomes, the more self-love I have because God is love. The more I can tap into that power, the more power I have. God sees the best in me. Friends are like that, they remind us that we are special and we are loved. Good memories are like little crystals we can carry around with us. A crystal is see-through, there isn’t any cloudiness. Love is like that, it doesn’t have a hidden agenda. Love doesn’t hold grudges. Love that walks as light – these are the light bearers. Freedom should be free and peace shouldn’t be fought over, but in our society things get messed up and it takes time for them to be made right again. Do I ever get upset with God because I want to take a different path? Yes, of course, but His will doesn’t cause me harm. Wait a second, the cancer caused me harm, so there is darkness in the light. What matters is which side you choose. God teaches humility and service not mischief and foolishness. God wants us to be brave, he wants us to love, he gives us the tools, he gives us the means but instead of protecting each other we start wars to protect our greed, to protect our fears, to protect our sorrow. That’s depressing. Thank God for the angels who always help us find our way back home.

My affirmations for September:

GOD IS MY LIGHT AND HIS LIGHT HEALS. IT IS EASY FOR ME TO RECEIVE THE LOVE THAT IS MEANT FOR ME. I HAVE A BRAVE, BRILLIANT, BEAUTIFUL SOUL.

Take care,

Julie