Once again, I didn’t think I’d have anything to write about this month. Boy, was I wrong. I’m going to be more candid than I’ve ever been because I need to be honest about what happened. It was a big step for me and although it didn’t work out with him, I’ve learned a lot. It’s given me a starting point and I’m proud of myself. Several things happened, I got tired of pining away for someone. It was like a light bulb went off and I realized how silly I had been to care about someone who wasn’t putting me first. This prompted me to take a chance with someone new. I got tired of being alone, my body finally won the battle over my mind. You’ll have to read on until the end because there are other things I must write about first. I’m going to list the affirmations now. Positive self-talk is a great place to start.

I’m getting stronger every day. I can do this! I’m deserving of my dreams. I’ve discovered that I am fierce. I own my power. I choose what I become. It’s easy for me to say, “Yes.” It’s easy for me to say, “No, thanks.” I am good enough. I am a brave warrior.

Something shifted for me, maybe it had something to do with the abrupt weather change. I went to a few more job interviews. I’ve gotten better at them. They don’t make me as nervous. I have faith in God that I’ll find a job that is right for me. I need to stop being so picky. Job interviews are very humbling like when the senior citizens used to lap me at the mall when I was trying to regain my strength. They have to pick the best candidate and sometimes it isn’t me, which doesn’t make me any less of a person but it’s hard not to take it personally. I shake that off because it’s not something I’ve chosen. I’m doing better than I was. I’ve gained so much inner strength and wisdom. I’m beginning to understand how God’s plan is bigger than my plan. It’s only when they are in alignment, for my highest good, that I experience true flow and serenity. I went to a cancer survivor support group that I’d been meaning to go to for awhile now. It’s only seven minutes away from my apartment. It was a good experience. I look forward to the next meeting.

I met three more guys from the dating site: Joey #8, Jason #9 and Chad #10. Why am I numbering them? Because I’m still trying to meet the challenge and I’m proud of myself for meeting ten guys. Even though it’s taken almost a year, I consider it progress. My three month membership ended. I’ll probably try another site and wrestle a few more alligators lol. I don’t know if I’ll make it to #15. It’s possible I could meet someone before then and form a relationship. The idea was to keep my options open, see what’s out there and not fall in love right away which is easier said than done. The heart is a pesky thing because it feels what it does. I need to bring my brain along with me. I’m more in touch with my emotions than I think. If both people are falling it’s okay to fall, but if only one of you is falling you’re gonna get hurt. Sometimes, even when both of you are falling, they reach for a ledge and stop falling. Communication is key, when that goes, everything goes. My friend, Jenny, was right when she told me, “Just pick one, you don’t have to marry him.” I was being too picky. There isn’t a perfect person, even with the best of intentions they can let you down because their heart belongs to someone else.

I’ll start with Joey. We’ve been talking on and off since February. We only had one date. We don’t look like we go together. Even the waiter said, “This is on separate checks, right?” Joey has a lot of tattoos. He’s very punk rock. His dog died recently, so I’m worried my allergies would bother me if I went to his place. He’s a sweet guy, but his main concern is getting laid. We both have OCD, but his manifests differently. We’re both sensitive and I think that’s how we get along. We meet people whom we have things in common with, but it doesn’t mean they’re the person for us. When we get rejected, it’s not because there’s anything wrong with us, it’s because there’s someone better suited for us. Dating is a learning experience. I ordered the Blue October tickets thinking he would go with me or that I could easily find someone who liked the band. I wanted to see them in concert again. Joey basically said he didn’t want to go because we weren’t sleeping together. He also didn’t want to spend $40 because he doesn’t like them very much. I asked a few more friends and they had other plans. I was starting to panic. I asked a few of the guys I had pushed away, felt silly for asking them, and probably wouldn’t have had a good time. Luckily, they also declined.

What happened next is kind of interesting. I had started talking with another guy, Jason, and up until that point we had only been texting. I was starting to like him or at least I didn’t not like him. I accidentally called him one day while I was walking with my mom. I had my phone in the front pocket of my green shorts. I kept taking it out to take pictures. The next time I put it in my pocket, it must’ve somehow dialed him. My mom and I both heard someone saying, “Hello, hello.” We finally realized the voice was coming from my pocket. I took the phone out and looked at the screen. I was happy to see his name. My phone could’ve called anyone. We laughed that is was God who had called him. I was hesitant but excited to get to know him. He’s been through some tough times and has a lot of baggage. I seem to attract guys who need therapy or maybe it’s the healer part of me. I think God was more like, “I’ll bring you a penis, it won’t be the right penis, but because you’re so arrogant and impatient, I’m gonna teach you a lesson. You’re gonna get in over your head because you’re getting ahead of yourself. And then you’re gonna have to do things in the order in which they should be done.” But I’m skipping ahead.

We talked on the phone a few more times. I asked him if he liked Blue October. He did. It got to be the night before the concert and I asked him if he would go with me. I was worried he’d say no or I’d be nervous or it would be awkward. I didn’t want to drive to Clifton by myself because that area can be dangerous. I picked him up because he was on the way and he doesn’t have a car. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be attracted to him, but I was. The concert was awesome. I was surprised at how much chemistry we had. I enjoyed kissing him. I felt safe and comfortable which was odd because I barely knew him. Jason goes to AA meetings, he doesn’t like NA, although he was addicted to drugs not alcohol. “NA is for hookups,” he said. “There are more old-timers in AA.” I replied. I used to work at a drug and alcohol treatment center. I was impressed because it seemed like he was working the steps and trying to stay sober, but then he drank three beers which didn’t seem right. Usually when you’re in recovery, you abstain from all substances, you don’t get to pick and choose. He also smokes cigarettes and when we were together, I would smoke too. Obviously, I don’t need to be smoking cigarettes. I needed someone who knows what they’re doing in bed, and I knew he wouldn’t fail me in that department.

The next night, Saturday, I went out with Chad. We had made plans earlier in the week so even though I had a good time with Jason, I felt like I should still meet him. Chad is divorced and has two daughters. I soon learned that even on his kid-free nights, he still goes to their games and activities. His world pretty much revolves around them. It made me wonder whether I have space in my heart to be a mom to someone else’s kids. Not that that would happen right away and I think with the right person it could be okay. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want kids right now. I have my nieces and I love them dearly. I’ve never dated someone with kids. I’m used to being someone’s top priority. Even the nice guys can be mean sometimes. He made two condescending remarks about my situation. “Have fun staring at your phone screen all day.” I don’t stare at my phone screen all day. When he gets sick and has to stay home from work, he gets bored sitting around watching television and looks forward to going back to work. First of all, I’m not recovering from strep throat, the things I deal with are chronic. I look forward to going back to work because it’s good for me in many ways. Could I be doing more? Sure. I’m already very hard on myself, I don’t need your unsolicited criticism.

Secondly, I don’t have a television. I made a decision five years ago that I didn’t want one because I wanted to focus on writing. People who don’t struggle with anything seem to have less compassion. Sometimes what our work is for a time period doesn’t look like normal work. And yet, he thinks I’m amazing because of everything I’ve been through. I am amazing, but I’m also human and imperfect. He did what I’ve done to so many guys, he put me up on a pedestal. When you put someone on a pedestal, it gives them no room to move freely. I don’t want unwarranted praise. You fight cancer because you have to, anyone would fight in that situation. You have to be brave and it’ll make you stronger. But for every brave move I made, I’ve made a dozen cowardly ones which is why compliments can feel insincere coming from someone who doesn’t know me. I’m not trying to downplay my accomplishments or minimize what I’m been through. He came on strong which felt suffocating. He read a bunch of my blog posts and asked me a bunch of questions. At first, I was flattered, but then it was annoying. You’d think I’d enjoy the attention since I’m so self-absorbed. In some ways, it’s not my fault. Trauma changes people. Self-care requires a lot of self-focus. I want people in my life. I want meaning and purpose too.

I’m not saying it makes you a better human to have struggled, oftentimes, it makes a person worse. If I had the choice, I wouldn’t have gotten cancer and had my life change dramatically. I’m also not saying I want to be with someone who is damaged or broken. I want to be with someone who is working on themselves and when they’re wrong they can swallow their pride and admit it. It’s similar to how I idolize rock stars, they’ve probably made a ton of mistakes they aren’t proud of and feel weary of praise. It’s okay to have heroes. We need inspiration in our lives. I’m not one-dimensional. I’m a whole person. I got the feeling he wouldn’t understand my darkness because it’s still there, no matter how much light I bring in and cultivate. That’s not a bad thing, it’s the reality of being human. I’m not a naturally optimistic person, it’s something I have to work on. You think I’m pushing him away because he’s a nice guy. No, I want a nice guy. He also has to have a backbone. When a man is too passive, I end up walking all over him. I need a strong man. He doesn’t have to have survived cancer, but he will have survived other trials. Love is exciting and passionate, it’s also calm and clear. It isn’t settling for someone because they’re available. Hell, fast food is available that doesn’t mean I’m going to choose it for dinner every night.

I’ve been complaining about how guys just want sex and here I was finally getting some conversation and I didn’t even want it. I’m a mess lol. I’m a man-eater lol. I need both. Chad is very religious and reserved. Unlike Joey, he wasn’t leading with sex. He was attracted to me, but he didn’t want to be offensive or cross the line. Compared to other guys, Chad was so far from crossing the line, he was in another country. I told him that and how it’s okay to flirt more with women, we actually like it. From the beginning, I wasn’t physically attracted to him. My feelings remained lukewarm and I don’t think that’s enough to build on. I like a tall guy, but at 6’5″ he towered over me which made me feel uncomfortable. Maybe he would do better with a taller woman. I thought I was tall lol. Next to him, I felt short. His advances were respectful, but I didn’t encourage him. He tried to kiss me at the end of date but I had just kissed Jason the night before, so I stopped him. This was getting out of hand. All of sudden, I had become Julie hot lips lol. Kudos to me for two dates in two nights! Perhaps, he would do better with someone who also has kids. Just like I found Jason to be exciting, Chad found me exciting. Or maybe with certain people we feel like we can be free or they bring out a side of us we keep repressed.

So what happened with Jason? We had sex on our second date. Hallelujah. Lol. The only problem, well, there were several problems. We didn’t use lube and he was too big for me. Even before cancer, he might’ve been too big. At least I was drinking some alcohol and that loosened me up. Things have changed down there. I didn’t want to be a disappointment. I didn’t want to disappoint the guy. I was worried a penis wouldn’t go in there. It was partly psychological and partly physical. I knew the chemotherapy had shrunk it and yet I wasn’t doing anything to stretch it out. My friends have husbands or boyfriends, they didn’t wait so long before becoming sexually active again. I never had any problems before and it made me sick to stomach to think I would let someone down. I know how important sex is to guys, it’s all they think about. I didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t know how to deal with it. And I didn’t have to deal with it until I realized there was something missing from my life. Sharing that experience with someone is amazing and it should feel good.

I had to tell someone what happened, who would listen without judgment, so I told my survivor friend Rachael. Thanks! And then I told my mom, she wasn’t as mad as I thought she would be. It bled a bit afterwards which kind of freaked me out. I spotted for a few days. I’ve had a tiny bit of pain which leads me to believe there could be a very small tear. In some ways, it’s a setback because I have to let it heal before I can try out my fake penises, lol. I went to the Hustler store and bought a dilator kit and lube. Luckily, the girl working there helped me decide what to buy. She was very nice. Once again, I was humbled. I wanted to get the regular-sized vibrator but after telling her what happened she said I had better start with the set and work my way up to the normal size. I should’ve told her I don’t have any patience, but she probably already surmised that. I thought a dilator was more like what they use during a pap smear. I’m glad it’s not. The dilator kit looks like exactly what I need and a portion of the proceeds goes to the Living Beyond Breast Cancer organization. Update, I’m feeling much better. My body is an amazing healer.

I’ve always been somewhat disconnected from my body and out of touch with my feminine power. This is making me heal the one thing I’ve neglected because I want intimacy again. My body needs to be treated with love and care, putting myself in that situation even though I was a willing participant was very ignorant. This isn’t easy to talk about. Of course, my mom said, “Do not write about that on your blog.” She’s right, it isn’t anyone’s business, but I don’t have to be embarrassed or ashamed or nonchalant about it. If I had gotten back in touch with my sexuality five years ago, I wouldn’t be stumbling now. My words, my truth, my journey, that’s what I have to give, that’s what I can contribute. If this blog is to be therapeutic, a healing place, I have to be honest about what I’m going through. We are healed by the truth. Lies are like prisons we trap ourselves in.

I had just attended an informative class called “Sex after Cancer” at the conference in Denver. The lady teaching the class was like, “Use a dilator first, don’t just let him ram his penis in there.” What do I do? Ugh. He was gentle for the most part, we took it slow, but I had no business starting with a penis of that size and without lube. I had never used lube before. I thought it was oily, it’s more like the consistency of hand sanitizer. It had gotten to the point where I couldn’t wait any longer. I was craving intimacy and affection. The first time was probably not going to be pleasant with anyone. If he had had a smaller penis and used lube, it wouldn’t have been as painful and frustrating. I’m resilient, hopefully, my vajajay is too. It could be better than I think, it could be worse. I don’t know yet. How could I have gone this long without it? I was focused on other things. I added it to my list of things to be bitter about. Bitterness is the problem, it’s not a solution.

Let me preface this by saying, I don’t think Jason is a bad guy and he has to do what’s best for him. This is why you don’t sleep with someone right away, you don’t know them well enough. That was Thursday. On Friday, he wanted me to pick him up, go out for drinks, lotion me down, and go to sleep together. I told him I didn’t feel like going out because I needed to rest. He seemed really agitated and was acting different. Before we hung up, he told me we were a couple and that I was his girl. He said he wasn’t talking to anyone else and not to worry about anything. I never pressured him into a relationship. I was happy to be dating but since we had become intimate, we decided to be exclusive. Maybe dating doesn’t even exist. Guys seem to think the second date is the sex date. It’s not. It should be after 3-5 dates or more. If you do it too soon, it can feel like you’re using each other. I called him later that night to make sure he was okay because I was concerned about him. It went straight to voice mail, so I figured he had gone out with someone else.

The next day, he posted something on Facebook about how he’s in love with a girl named Ashley. In some ways, it didn’t surprise me. Whenever we talked, I always got the feeling there was someone else. There was. Jason has a long distance girlfriend who very recently made the decision to move here to be with him because they are in love. That’s who was always texting him while we were talking even though he said it was his sister. I find it hard to believe she just decided to move here. Most people don’t make major life decisions on a whim, there’s a lot of planning involved. You’re probably wondering how I could’ve been so stupid and why did I sleep with him? The final thing that swayed my decision, he had a vasectomy which took the pregnancy worry off the table. He’s 38 and has four kids. In some ways, I threw myself at him, so I can’t blame him, but that doesn’t make his dishonesty okay or negate the fact that he was betraying her.

I got blindsided. I got my feelings hurt because we shared that experience. I was starting to like him even though his cologne, which smelled good, probably would’ve driven me crazy. I feel like an idiot for believing him, but he seemed really sincere. I hope he treats her good from now on. They seem happy together. She thinks the world of him. Jason is a fun guy. He’s an Aries. He’s never read my blog, he didn’t even know what kind of cancer I had. God brings people into our lives, sometimes they don’t stay very long and it’s a blessing in disguise. Trust your intuition, it won’t lead you astray. Our intuition is the smartest part of us because it precedes thought, it’s more feeling based and accurate since it’s connected to the soul. I don’t know the whole story, I didn’t want to hear his voice and more lies. I pushed almost all of the other guys away, the one I chose still betrayed me. I should kick his ass, but I won’t. He apologized and I’ll be okay. I’m going to take a short break from dating. I need to do some healing. I don’t regret my choices even though it got me into trouble. Making choices is how we learn. God makes things right again. He always has, He always will.

Take care,

Julie