Tbh, I didn’t think this month’s blog post was going to be very exciting. I had planned to write about my experience at CancerCon, the 11th annual gathering of cancer survivors in Denver, Colorado. Even though I knew the weekend was jam packed with activities, speakers, classes and a dance party, for some reason I thought it was going to be boring. It wasn’t boring at all. The conference was the perfect blend of education, inspiration and fun. It exceeded my expectations. I met four survivors, Amy, Brooke, Jennifer and Peter, who live in Ohio. Hopefully, we will keep in touch and hang out again. It’s a cool feeling to sit down next to someone who is from your home state. When the high of the conference wears off, you still have support from old and new friends. It’s also a good thing to forget about being a cancer survivor for awhile and just live. Healing and grief will happen naturally. We need to be loved for who we are, with or without the label. I think that’s where I got stuck. I was judging myself, uncertain of how to navigate the world as a survivor. If I don’t have an issue with it, there’s a good chance other people won’t either. My faith grew stronger because I needed something to lean on that wouldn’t let me down. Now I realize it’s more about not letting myself down. God will be there regardless.

What I’ve gained from CancerCon is a feeling of pride. I felt like a badass rather than feeling ashamed or less than or broken. It made me realize how much I’ve accomplished, how far I’ve come in my healing journey and that I’m not alone. I didn’t think anything good would ever come from my cancer experience, now I see it has given me experiences like this that are truly wonderful. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I carry that light within me now. Even though there are many types of cancer and everyone is in a different stage of treatment or remission, there’s an unspoken understanding and mutual respect at the conference. What strikes me is how strong survivors are, as if we were chosen because we had this strength to begin with otherwise how else would we still be standing to offer inspiration to others? Especially the speaker, Sean Swarner, who climbed Mt. Everest with one lung even though the doctors told him it was impossible. He said, “Whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right.” I’ll never achieve that kind of feat, but I’ll keep pushing and challenging myself to be and do more than I am now.

One of my favorite moments was when Melissa Etheridge was singing, “I Run For Life.” I had never heard the song before and her lyrics touched me. As I sat there recording it on my phone, trying to keep still because I don’t like shaky recordings, about halfway through the song tears started rolling down my cheeks. I had to let them fall because if I had grabbed a tissue it would’ve messed up the recording. I realized something, I don’t have to hide the pain. I can sit with my feelings and it will be okay. I’m in a safe place, I can wait until the song ends. Another layer of grief was released that day and I feel lighter. Even if you’re many years out from treatment, it still helps to be in an environment where more healing can occur. It reminds of something one of the speakers, Albus Brooks, said, “We will cry and be proud of our crying.” The weekend didn’t go perfectly. I’m not going to act like it did. I missed one breakfast and two speakers, but I’m proud of myself for going and learning what I needed to learn. There’s something empowering about traveling alone and I gain more confidence each time I’m brave enough to leave my comfort zone. One of the speakers said, “Adversity is a teacher.” How do we move from bitterness to a place of forgiveness? How do we learn the lessons instead of repeating them? And what now?

Another idea that was discussed was crisis coping. The trauma was so intense that we stay in survival mode. How do we crack out of it? By processing the pain and having healthy coping strategies. Instead of feeling helpless, we can feel powerful again. Having a support network improves our ability to recover. Practicing mindfulness meditation strengthens our inner awareness so that we have a choice. We begin to respond rather than react, we see the bullets coming and dodge them. We know what our triggers are and knowledge is power. We stay in the present moment, breathe and reframe the situation. That’s a lot better tactic than avoiding and numbing out. In regards to dating, you don’t have to tell someone right away that you’re a cancer survivor, make sure they are worthy of knowing the information. Another speaker was Sage Bolte, she said, “If you look at someone’s actions through a rose-colored window, all the flags are the same color.” When we’re infatuated with someone, we have trouble distinguishing between the red and green flags. My room was on the 21st floor. I had an awesome view of the city. I love a good sunset. I thought I would enjoy having a television to watch. I had it on for about a half an hour the first day and then listened to the radio the rest of the time. Denver has some good radio stations.  

If you’re a survivor please consider going next year, it will be April 11-14, 2019 at the Hyatt Regency Denver Colorado Convention Center. Visit the Stupid Cancer website: http://stupidcancer.org They are a non-profit organization that puts on CancerCon. They are the leader in young adult cancer advocacy, research and support. I feel grateful to have been involved in such an important weekend. As I’ve said before, healing doesn’t occur in isolation. Sure, we have to do a lot of self-care and inner work on our own, but something magical happens when we come together to share our stories. We feel less alone. We feel understood. We feel normal. And most importantly, it gives us hope. Hope that we can survive this life. Hope that things can get better. Hope that we are strong enough to handle whatever life throws at us…because we are. We’ve already proven it, we’ve already passed the test. We are here to be joyful. We are here to show mercy and forgive those who have wronged us. Not because what they did was okay, because nursing old wounds keeps them active and we feel better when they are healed.

The rest of this post is photos: my First Descents rock climbing group: Lauren, Jenny, Chris, Rachael. My scavenger hunt group: Brooke, Jennifer, Jesse, Laura. The dance party and sightseeing in Denver. Some of you are probably wondering what’s the deal with the scavenger hunt and why was it so fun? Well, they are fun. Those of you who know me know that I create a treasure hunt game at Halloween most years especially if my brother is visiting. It started as an attempt at recreating the Mystery Mansion board game we used to play with Christen and Bryan when we were little. I love word games and I love a good party. Although, I’ve never been able to top the epic party of 2009, that one has gone down in history. Since last month’s post was so long, this post can be much shorter. And they say a picture is worth a thousand words. Take care, Julie

I am beautiful. I am amazing. I am loved. I am filled with healing energy. I am a beacon of God’s light. I trust this day, I trust my way. I am breathing for a purpose, God show me the reason. Thank you for your love, I am amazed. Amen. 

Those are the new affirmations I was supposed to put in last month’s blog post. Inner work is not always easy or fun but it’s essential to our well-being. They sound like a prayer. Perhaps that’s what they are, prayers to combat negative self-talk. Our foundation, our core, has to be filled with self-love. Without it, we make bad decisions, get unbalanced and seek validation from others. Seek validation from God. He loves you unconditionally. He will reflect His love back to you. It might be a beautiful lake, snow covered mountain or graceful hawk flying high above you. God’s love is unending which is why we can count on it. To quote the singer Toby Mac, “Human love falls short of God’s love.” That’s not an excuse to treat people badly or excuse bad behavior. It’s realizing we’re going to make mistakes because we’re not perfect. We let each other down. We let ourselves down. We reach for a love that’s bigger than us when we’re struggling to find comfort and peace of mind. We start over and try again. When we find the right path, darkness becomes light, grief turns into joy, and tears change to laughter. It’s worth waiting for. It’s worth praying for. Our souls choose peace, our egos create war.

Thank you Will McAdams for rescuing my website after it had been hacked. After four days of not being able to log into WordPress, I emailed him knowing he’d know what was wrong or point me in the right direction. Will is a graphic designer. He told me not to worry. He’s encountered the problem before and would be able to fix it which was magic to my ears. It’s frustrating not being able to work on a creative project, so I typed the post in a word doc until I could get back into my dashboard. In what seemed like the blink of an eye, it took a few days, he brought my website back to life. Yeah! He saved me a lot of money that my server wanted to charge to fix the issues. Will and I have been friends for many years. He’s also one my brother’s best friends. Eight years ago, I finished cancer treatment and was struggling to get back on my feet. I joined his affirmation group unaware of how powerful the practice would become in my recovery. I’ll always be grateful to him and the group for showing me the light. He’s married to Laura and they have a son named Jack. If anyone needs print or web design, I highly recommend his services. Will’s website is: http://www.willpowereddesigns.com

I have a few more dating experiences to share. I’m slow at dating, well, I’m slow at everything so that makes sense. I should start drinking coffee again so I can bounce off the walls too. Next month, I’m going to talk about the changes I’m making in my diet, changes I’ve been thinking about for awhile. I was talking to my brother about life and he mentioned the idea of momentum. For people who have chronic pain, fatigue or depression, maintaining momentum is the hard part. I have a feeling eliminating sugar, dairy, wheat and processed foods will improve my life in many ways. Being a cancer survivor and eating the way I do is hardly inspirational. I was able to quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey. It takes effort and discipline. I have the knowledge. I need to quit making excuses. It’s not going to be easy, but it’ll be worth it. I’d like to see if eating clean will reduce my neuropathic pain and an alkaline environment can prevent tumor growth. I’ve gotten used to the pain but that’s not a good reason. No one deserves to be in pain of any kind. It’s called chemotherapy-induced peripheral neuropathy. It used to be a lot worse, my nerves have healed a lot, but I can still feel it in my hands, feet, and teeth. When pain becomes chronic, you have to look for natural remedies.

It seems like I have too many ideas which prevents me from getting more stuff done. I’m trying to water too many seeds. While it’s not a bad thing to have a lot of interests, I need to decide what’s important and focus on achieving my goals. I would put nutrition and fitness and getting a job at the top of the list. I got sidetracked – back to the dating. Having a guy doesn’t make everything better. It’s an answer, it’s not the answer. Relationships can be very unhealthy if we’re not careful. Sometimes, I’m not even sure if I want a relationship. I’m given the chance and I keep sending them away. It’s not always about them, I realize that, I have my own issues. I’m used to being alone and I don’t want to feel trapped. With the right person you won’t feel trapped. I have to keep taking chances because we don’t learn in isolation. When I look at their dating profiles, I’m either attracted or not. I get a gut feeling, yet sometimes I still give the wrong people chances. I know they’re not my type but I’m curious enough to meet them. I shouldn’t be surprised when we don’t click in person and the second date doesn’t happen. I’m also learning how not to take rejection personally, they’re doing me a favor by deselecting themselves. I won’t always blog about dating because it should be kept private, yet maybe my experience will help others.

At first, I was impressed by the dating site because I didn’t have high expectations. I had a decent amount of messages right off the bat. I decided to talk with several of them to see if we were compatible. Let’s just say there are a lot of rednecks around here and I mean no disrespect because I’m one of them. Some of them seem intimidated by my education. I’m not that smart and being smart has it’s own disadvantages. Having a college degree doesn’t make you any better or worse. Being kind, honest and trustworthy is what matters. It’s important to meet them when you feel comfortable, sooner rather than later because if there isn’t a connection you won’t feel like you’ve wasted each other’s time. I thought for a moment I could have a purely physical connection but when he started sending me nudes, I was grossed out. It reminded me of how much I need a mental and an emotional connection too. It seemed like that was all he had to offer and I’d never be completely satisfied. Sending nudes to someone you barely know is not okay, it’s creepy. He got mad at me because at first I went along with it and acted like it was okay. I was too shocked to say anything. Blame it on the duck lips. I need to quit being so naive. I need to stop doubting my awesomeness.

I’ve noticed how some guys will try to get to know you really quickly in an attempt to create an emotional bond knowing that’s what we need to take the next step. It doesn’t work that way especially if the interest is fake or forced. In the beginning, guys can get overexcited and go batshit crazy trying to lock it down. For some guys, it’s kinda cute. It can also feel overwhelming, so you have to pace them. It seems like the dating scene has turned into people who pretend to like each other just to seal the deal because the other way takes time. It’s the difference between a hookup and possibly having a relationship. Don’t go into it looking for “the one.” God will bring you the one when it’s time. Don’t get yourself into trouble. I’ll give you an example. Recently, I was invited over to a complete strangers house. It was 9:30pm. We had only been texting for a few weeks. He lives about 45 minutes away, although he tried to tell me that Beavercreek is 20 minutes away. I’ve lived here almost my whole life and unless they moved the city of Beavercreek, doubtful, it’s not that close. Great idea, thanks for thinking of my safety. Don’t feel flattered he wants to see you. He’s out for himself, you don’t mean anything to him. You’re just another girl to him.

Another guy was being vague about having a dog because, “I figured we could just hang out at your place.” Good idea, that’s going to solve the problem of you having a dog. I’m glad you’ve already started lying to me that’s awesome. Yes, my sarcasm is back. I’m expecting too much from them. It didn’t say in his profile so I asked him because I had a feeling he had a dog. He skipped over my question which means yes. I finally said, “Answer the question.” He couldn’t believe it was a deal breaker. I’ve realized something else. You’re going to have the same issues with the next person. Maybe they’re more patient or understanding but changing the person doesn’t make everything better. We still have to work do our inner work, that never ends. There is something exciting about talking to a new person which is the appeal of dating sites and why people hop from one person to the next. Have we become disposable? I hope not. I think it’s more exciting to talk with someone you actually like and care about their opinion. Health is attractive, dysfunction is not. I grew up in a dysfunctional home, my dad was an alcoholic, if I’m not careful I gravitate towards dysfunction because it feels normal. Unless we’re willing to do the work, face our fears of intimacy and abandonment, all we’ll do is cause each other pain.

I met Guy #6, Chris, at a Mexican restaurant near me. He was nice enough to drive the longer distance. I wasn’t feeling very good. I’d only been taking the antibiotic for a few days. I’m glad I forced myself to go, if nothing else for the practice. The hardest part was sitting there wishing he was someone else. It made me sad and filled with regret. They say the best way to get over someone is to move on, which I agree, but it doesn’t mean you stop thinking about them. I put him out of my mind and focused on my date. Chris seemed nervous and he talked a lot. I didn’t have very much in common with him and it was kinda awkward. I enjoyed my dinner, it tasted good. It seems like guys have the idea or wishful thinking they’re going to get invited back, that by being on a dating site means the woman is desperate for male company. I may be a little desperate for male company but not so desperate that I stop thinking clearly. Bring on the margaritas. I have to build trust and feel safe. One date isn’t enough time to warrant that kind of connection. Believe me, it’s frustrating, I’ve been alone for a long time. He has to be special to me. I want to be special to him. That isn’t too much to ask.

The next guy I started talking with was Mike, he doesn’t get a # because I haven’t met him in person. God help the guy who finds my blog, he won’t want to go out with me for fear I’ll write about him. I don’t always write negative reviews. I was attracted to him and thought we were going to have a good connection but he was acting immature and putting in minimal effort. How is it ever okay to text, “Sup?” I know he means, “What’s up?” It just makes me cringe. Is it supper time? Lol. I don’t know why it bothers me so much. He’s probably trying to be cool and I’m the one looking for problems. I couldn’t bring myself to reply, it seemed pointless. And why do they think, “Yes’m,” is a good reply? For the record, it’s not polite. It’s really weird and it makes me sick to my stomach. That was another guy who also had a hidden dog in his profile lol. Mike and I tried to plan a date, decided on Pies and Pints, yet he wanted me to drive to the location near him rather than him drive to the location near me. Hmmm. I got the impression he was full of himself. It’s okay to be focused or fond of yourself, but being vain is a complete turnoff. The other thing that happened, Kelly, Guy #7, started blowing up my phone. I ended up going on the movie date with Kelly and not even seeing Mike. I shouldn’t be so apathetic, but I didn’t go through what I went through to put up with such nonsense.

Kelly seemed interested and somehow charmed me. I was nervous to meet him but then I was able to relax and calm down. Tbh, I was kinda disappointed. I thought he was going to be tough because he has tattoos, but he wasn’t. Not that I want a macho guy, he just didn’t seem very strong. It’s funny, you create an idea of them in your mind and they’re completely different in person. I’m sure I wasn’t his exact fantasy either. The movie we saw, Game Night, was hilarious and suspenseful. We ate at Steak ‘n Shake afterwards then parted ways. I think somewhere between him saying he eats fast food three times a day, lives with his mom and never exercises, I lost interest. I went to Barnes & Noble where I had fun looking around. I bought two books and two CDs. We made plans to go out the next weekend but as the week progressed I realized I didn’t want to see him again. My mom seems surprised when they want a second date, thanks mom, ye of little faith. I think her reasoning is there are cuter girls out there who have less issues. Why would they stick around? Good question. They must be lonely and desperate. Or maybe they find me attractive and interesting. I don’t think I should get down on my knees and thank my lucky stars that some guy likes me. I don’t need a guy to like me. Maybe I’ve gotten too strong. No, strength is letting people in. I need to make better choices and keep putting myself out there.

He got the idea that I was interested in being more than friends because I thought I was until I met him. Learned my lesson there, don’t overpromise and underdeliver. He tried to invite himself over by saying he needed somewhere to hang out after work and was upset when I told him he couldn’t. First of all, I barely knew him. I didn’t feel comfortable inviting him over. I felt pressured and when I told him that, he said, “I’ve been being very patient.” Oh my, talking to someone for a few weeks and going out on one date is not patience. He hasn’t even scratched the surface of patience. I guess for people who have one night stands, that was being very patient. I told him we can be friends, but he wasn’t interested in a friendship. My dear, friendship is the foundation. The other thing I’m hearing is how women, specifically their exes, are cheaters, liars and downright awful. I don’t know any women like that. The story changes based on the storyteller. I’d imagine the women would tell me how the men contributed to the downfall of the relationship too. These guys claim to no longer be in love with their exes, they’re completely over them, which is why they’re still bad mouthing them and yet they’d get back together with them at the drop of a hat. The mature way to handle a breakup is to take responsibility for what went wrong and move on.

When God puts something in the palm of your hands, something that feels good because it’s an expression of His love, hold onto that because God wants you to be happy. Don’t, like I have done so many times in the past, think yourself unworthy, turn your hand over and let the opportunity go. I’m not saying hold on tightly because love is easily smothered. Love requires us to give and take, we have to give as much as we’re taking. What I’m saying is, hold it carefully, realize what you have because good connections are hard to come by and can’t be forced. I talk about God a lot, for those of you who aren’t religious you might be turned off by it. I also believe in science and enjoy learning about it. Back when my faith wasn’t as strong, I used to envy people who had a connection with a higher power and honestly thought they were a little silly. I also think of God as the Universe, the force that keeps everything moving in the right direction. The force that corrects our wrongdoings and gives us second chances. How do I know this? Because no matter how asinine I have acted in the past, how bratty and ungrateful, how much pain I have caused my family, God knows my heart and loves me unconditionally. He wants me to live a healthy and happy life. He is trying to show me how I can be of service in this world.

The lessons I’ve learned are: Don’t play games. Don’t put up walls. Don’t push the right people away. Don’t be arrogant. Don’t carry the past into the present. Don’t sabotage joy. Don’t test men. Well, test them a little bit but not unreasonably or without justification. I remember something my friend, Jessica, said to me over the summer when I was telling her about one of the guys and taking the next step. She said, “I’m glad you found someone who you want to share your body with.” She’s right, sharing our bodies is a scared thing. Sure, sometimes sex is just sex, it doesn’t have to mean something. Everything doesn’t always have to mean something. Because of what I’ve been through, I’m more hesitant to get involved with just anyone. I need someone who is strong, who has proven they can be taken seriously and they take what we have seriously. Perhaps the girl who speaks the most of love is also the most afraid. Love is more than feeling butterflies, although there will be butterflies, love is surviving the bad times. Love is wanting to know what they think about a song. It’s finding the person who has the key that unlocks your heart. It’s finding the person who can make you stop thinking.

We get trapped by our fears which causes us to stay small and unseen. We listen to the voice that talks us out of being brave. That’s why we look up to superheroes, they don’t have any fears, they have superpowers. Until we’re sick and tired of the way things are, we won’t have enough motivation to change. I get upset when my progress plateaus or I fall back into a depression. I need to realize that getting to the next handhold was a victory. We shouldn’t judge our progress, we should be grateful we are making progress. I think the root cause of depression is betraying our soul, betraying what we know and listening to other people tell us who we should be and how our life should look. Depression happens when we deny our uniqueness and try to fit into a box that does nothing but dims our light. We pretend everything is fine even when we’re hurting inside. Depression is feeling alone and thinking no one understands. The sadness is trying to tell you something, if you’ll listen. Follow your heart. Do the things that make you happy. You have to take chances because you’ll learn something from it. We aren’t perfect, demanding perfection of ourselves is silly. Only God’s love is perfect. He won’t let us down. That’s all I know and it’s enough to keep me going.

Take care,

Julie

February began with another wake up call, one that I really needed. The guy I had fallen for told me he just wants to be friends. Let’s just say I took it really hard and wondered what I did wrong. He did like me. I know that for sure. I shouldn’t have stopped dating but my feelings for him made me not want to go out with anyone else. I wish I hadn’t of been such a scaredy cat. I was trying to protect my heart. The funny thing is, I got hurt anyway. Eventually, I’ll meet someone who wants to be in my life. Maybe he wasn’t the guy for me and I wasn’t the girl for him and that’s why it never worked out. I regret not making more of an effort to see him. It doesn’t make any sense because I wanted to see him. Now I realize how important intimacy is for health and happiness. I fell for him because he is strong, smart and handsome. He sent me memes which made me laugh. He likes music and playing the drums. He is tall, loud and outspoken. I thought he was going to be dorky based on his profile but he turned out to be really cool. He’s been through a great deal of pain in his life too. I hope we both find happiness because we both deserve it.

I’ve learned a few things. Don’t ever chase a guy. If he’s not making any effort there’s a reason. He’s just not that into you or he’s seeing someone else or he’s given up. What saddens me is that there was potential between us, there were feelings, we had some similar interests, then it turned ugly because we disappointed each other. Anger is just love disappointed. We didn’t get our reps in, that’s a phrase I’ve heard a dating coach use. Try to see the person once a week or every other week or at least once a month otherwise it gets stale. He seemed to be very busy. The few times he wanted to see me, I was busy. I got tired of his excuses, “I’m a train wreck.” I can give you a run for your money on that one. The whole point of friendships and relationships is to help the other person heal. I let my fatigue and insecurities get in the way. I’m so used to being the sick person, having to take it easy and not overdo it, that I had trouble switching gears. I’m still trying to figure out how to be a normal person. I’ve gotten used to being alone and doing my own thing. I had such a strong physical attraction to him that I probably wouldn’t have gotten any work done lol. There’s more to life than work. I guess so.

Over the holidays, an old coworker of mine from Liberty Mutual came into the store. He had been like a father figure to me. His wife died of cancer several years ago. A few weeks ago, he sent me an email to tell me what he liked about my book. He said there was one line that stood out for him, “Even beautiful things become ugly if we don’t take care of them.” I think he was referring to his marriage while I was referring to the lack of cleanliness in my bathroom lol. It’s true in both cases. Beautiful apartments and relationships deteriorate if we don’t take care of them. Not everyone is meant to be in your life and they bring a hard lesson. Sometimes you can remain friends, they’ll bring you sunshine and laughter again. You’ll just have to wait and see. I think I should start dating again. The whole point is to meet someone you’re compatible with and feel comfortable around. You have to let things happen organically. I was too much of a control freak. I couldn’t just let it be what it was. I needed more reassurance than I was getting from him and yet I blamed myself.

This time, I’m going into online dating with an open mind and willingness to meet someone. I have to be somebody’s dream girl lol. Maybe it took getting over my initial reluctance and sarcasm which was just a defense mechanism. Now I can say my intentions are pure. Christen told me to be patient and not to settle. I don’t think I was settling with him. He actually made me want to be a better person. At least I’ve had some dating experience and don’t feel like a complete newbie. I’m going to go with the flow rather than trying to force things to happen. I talked with my cousin, Heather, about dating. She said it took meeting a lot of guys before she found the one she got into a relationship with and eventually married. They’re expecting their first baby in August. I’m really excited for her! She said she had so much practice by the time she met Kyle that she was able to relax on the date and just be herself. She said she had almost given up. When it’s time for people to meet, they meet. It takes both people putting themselves out there. She was only on the site for a week when he messaged her. That’s fate, the work of the angels.

I’m writing this post from Utah. I’m visiting my brother, sister-in-law, and nieces. It’s good to get away and spend time with my family. My nieces are growing up so fast. Emma will be three in March and Mary will be one in June. Mary isn’t feeling good, she’s been crying a lot. She has a cough, cold and fever. The doctor finally figured out she has an ear infection and gave her some medicine. I hope she feels better soon. They have pretty blue eyes like their dad and grandpa. They are very precious. I think a part of me is sad that I’m not going to have a baby even though I never really planned on it. The idea of labor has always scared me and I have enough trouble taking care of myself lol. The possibility has always loomed on the horizon so it’s natural to go through some kind of grief around it especially with turning 40 this month. I can be a great aunt which is a pretty cool thing! It’s very beautiful out here, the open space allows us to think clearly. It’s also nice to watch the Olympics, the athletes are very inspiring. Their dedication to the sport they love is truly remarkable.

I’m going to create a new dating profile and see where that goes. I’m not going to mention the fact that I’m a cancer survivor because I don’t want it to be their first impression. I’m going to continue applying for part-time jobs. I felt better when I was working, it gave me structure and helped me to feel more worthwhile. Having a job also kept me out of trouble. Sometimes, what you think is trouble is exactly what you need. For real, I get tired of behaving and wonder why I don’t let myself live. Several of my birthday messages were about having more fun. They’re right, I could let myself enjoy life more. I bought beer at the grocery to drink every once in awhile or when I have company. I thank God for teaching me about humility. Love doesn’t give to get, love gives to give. Love doesn’t get old unless it’s forsaken then it turns bitter, something that could’ve been so beautiful. It’s okay to have needs and sometimes get clingy. We should help each other to be strong instead of tearing each other down. I regret saying mean things, it wasn’t nice and he didn’t deserve it. I wanted butterflies in my stomach, I sure as hell got them.

My birthday was February the 9th. I feel old, I’m over the hill now lol. Christen said I’m young at heart, so that’s a good thing! I celebrated my birthday a few times. I went to the Olive Garden with my mom, aunt, and cousin. I like the eggplant parmesan. I went to dinner at Cancun and a Cincinnati Cyclones game with my friends Christen and Melissa. I had a really good time. I’m going to Takahsi, a sushi restaurant, with my family in Utah. I like sushi, it’s yummy. We ended up getting pizza instead because the restaurant was packed. I have registered for Cancercon, an annual gathering for the young adult cancer movement, it’s in Denver in April. I’ll be meeting up with Lauren, Jenny and Rachael, my survivor friends from the First Descents rock climbing trip. I look forward to seeing them. I think the conference will be fun and educational. I’ve signed up for several sessions and activities. I’ll write a blog post about my experience. I need to stay positive and keep making progress. I’m tired of winter and ready for spring. Even though I’ll complain about the heat and humidity, I’ll be able to take my walks and see my favorite tree.

I’d like to start working out because it will help me in so many ways. If I can get my fitness level up, I can join an indoor soccer team. Yeah! I used to enjoy playing soccer. I have a natural athletic ability. I used to play forward and score goals. What better confidence booster is there? I’ve shied away from running because the last time I ran was seven years ago. I had just finished radiation. I was having a terrible pain at the base of my skull and worried the running had caused it. It wasn’t the running, the chemo had damaged my heart and nerves. I didn’t need to be running when I could barely walk to the mailbox. I am better now and my body is strong. I still worry about having a recurrence which is why I need to stop putting toxic foods into my body. Sugar is poison. I have to want to live, really want to live otherwise I won’t, it’s as simple as that. Yes, most of the time, I’m all talk, but not all of the time. I hope everyone is doing well. Take care.

Have a great month,

Julie

Update: I got my dating profile set up on a site I’ve never been on before. I chose three photos and kept my answers short and sweet. I’m talking to a few guys. My allergies to cats and dogs definitely narrows the field down. Wish me luck! 🙂 Unfortunately, I have a cold and sore throat. I’m not feeling very well. 🙁 I haven’t been sick in awhile. We’re getting a bunch of snow tonight, hopefully we’ll be able to fly home this week although it’ll be hard to leave my nieces.

To be honest, I didn’t start the new year off on the right foot. I’ll get to that later. I would like to begin the first post of the year writing about something positive. When I think about what’s helped me the most over the last five years, I’d have to say it was repeating affirmations. How do they help? You gain control of your thoughts, talk yourself through fears, and improve self-esteem. I always thought they were kind of silly just something New Age people practiced. But when my life took a turn for the worse, I had to reach for the light. Many years ago, when my anxiety was bad, saying affirmations got me through the day. There’s a saying in AA, it works if you work it. That’s very true. I’ve become stronger and more confident. I don’t struggle like I used to and it feels good. When I encounter a difficult situation, I tap back into that place of strength. I don’t even say them that much anymore. Since something happened recently that knocked me off balance, I felt like it was a great time to remind myself and I have them posted on my bulletin board.

My name is Julie and I love myself. Today is a new day and I treat myself with loving kindness. I am confident and capable. I am healthy and strong. I am calm and relaxed. I am safe and protected. Breathe in. All is well. Breathe out. All is well. Peace begins with me. I am grateful for my many blessings. God is good.

Those are my favorites. You can change them to suit your needs and situation. The key is to phrase them in a rhythm you like because when the words flow they are easier to remember and become automatic. I tend to say them rather quickly. Start with one or two sentences a day. I think that’s better than saying a bunch of them at once. You really want to feel the words and what they mean. I’ve practiced them so much that sometimes my mind is like, “Oh no, not that again!” Lol. There are so many affirmations. I’m going to find or create ten new ones to practice and post them in next month’s blog.

I realized something else. I made my goals very general when they need to be more specific if I’m going to accomplish any of them. Resolutions are a good idea in theory, we should reassess how we’re doing, yet most of us have habits that are pretty set in stone. It takes time and energy to create new habits. I also think wintertime is not the easiest time weather wise to make big changes. I got upset with myself for continuing my bad habits which made me even more depressed. I bought Pepsi and golden Oreo cookies at the grocery store. I didn’t set any new habits in place so why would there have been any changes? Exercise more. How? Go to the fitness center or take a class. Eat healthier. How? Make healthy meals and limit my amount of sugar. Travel more. How? Register for events that interest me. Revise the novel. How? Work on the story instead of being on social media. See my friends more. How? Make plans with them.

I might as well just say it. I quit my job. For those of you who know me, that won’t come as a surprise. I have worked at many places over the years. Others might be shocked since I seemed really happy and excited to be there. I was and have been. Several things happened which forced me to give a two weeks notice. At the risk of going into too much detail, I’ll say it was a very good three month experience. It showed me what I am capable of and I’m proud of myself. I have faith that I can find another job I will enjoy even more. I was a seasonal hire and since the holidays are over my hours have been reduced. I need a certain amount to feel like it’s worthwhile otherwise I lose my momentum. The biggest reason was a conflict with my assistant manager. He became increasingly unpleasant, unhelpful, rude, and mean. I refuse to work in an environment where I’m being treated with such disrespect. I’m still baffled at his behavior and hope one day he realizes how to be a better supervisor and human being.

Things happen for a reason. Maybe I was on the wrong path going in a straight line instead of climbing the next mountain. There’s nothing wrong with that, we can’t always be climbing mountains. The only one who knew about my past and getting disability was the manager. I didn’t tell anyone else because I was trying to move forward. One time, the manager asked me about my cancer story. I laughed and said, “I come here to get away from it and you’re asking me to talk about it.” He got transferred to another store so I had to tell the assistant managers because it was affecting my job to some extent and they needed to know. I had been late to several shifts and I’m just slower in general. I’m also a hard worker and I did a great job. I enjoyed helping the customers and feeling worthwhile. Even after improving my punctuality, he still wouldn’t lose the attitude. I decided the stress wasn’t worth it. I gave the new manager, who’s very nice, my notice and asked him not to schedule me with the assistant manager. I had one more shift with him and I’m proud of myself for facing him. Luckily, I won’t have to work with him anymore.

I’d say it was the garbage incident which sealed the deal for me. I always complete my share of the chores there. I vacuum at night, dust mop in the morning, clean the counters, and collect the trash. The assistant manager got the garbage and recycling ready then asked me to take it over by myself. We always go in pairs because it can be too much for one person, so I was surprised at his request. It was two big boxes of broken down boxes which is too heavy for me to lift into the compactor and several large bags of trash that can fall off the dolly if someone isn’t following behind. The compactor is a fair distance away over by the parking garage and it was 5 degrees that day. I told him, “No, I don’t want to take it over.” He about lost it. “You don’t want to take it over?” He asked. “No, it’s too much for me.” I answered. “I’m going to see what K thinks about that.” He stormed off. She took the trash over with me just to appease him. I wondered why he didn’t take it over himself. He’s young and healthy, it isn’t too much for him. I almost walked out that day, but she convinced me to stay and that it would be okay. It never got back to being okay.

I don’t think it was a coincidence my car locked up on New Year’s Eve. It was as if the Universe was telling me not to go to work or just to pause for a moment and look at what’s really going on. While I was making progress and doing the right thing, I was avoiding other things in my life like intimacy and vulnerability. And I wasn’t working on any of my passion projects. My life had gotten out of balance again. I was running away from the things that really mattered to me. I told myself last New Years that I wouldn’t spend another New Years alone and what did I do? I spent it alone. I had to work the next morning which isn’t a good excuse. I was trying so hard to do a good job and I was doing a good job, but I still fell short in some areas which is to be expected for someone who struggles with physical and psychological issues. I walk away from that job with my head held high. They aren’t glad to see me go, except for one person lol. And I will miss the customers, but I think it’s for the best. I know I can find another job better suited for me and my abilities.

In terms of intimacy, yes, I need to be careful so I don’t get hurt, but avoiding the person I want to see is hurting me too. Instead of being brave, I’m being overly cautious. It’s okay to take a chance. I didn’t go on any dates this month, and I haven’t set up a new profile yet. I think it would be a good idea to start dating again. I found myself getting jealous of women who post provocative photos because I know how visual men are and I didn’t feel like I could compete with them. I actually wished I could be more slutty and now it just makes me laugh. That’s not who I am. I’m more reserved and that’s okay. I’m not in my twenties anymore. I’m sexy in my own way, that’s what I had to learn. That’s what we all have to learn. We don’t have to be anyone but exactly who we are. We aren’t attracted to people because we envision them as someone else, we’re attracted because we already think who they are is pretty damn neat. That’s what we don’t get. We cringe at our uniqueness instead of realizing it’s the very thing that makes us who we are. And who we are is what we have to give. God doesn’t make mistakes. Even a job that doesn’t work out, it’s not a mistake, it’s a learning experience. That’s what I take from this. That’s what I hope you all can take from this.

Have a great month,

Julie

p.s. My last shift was yesterday. Right before I left, I had a big sale and good connection with one of the customers. Sometimes they’re going on a trip to another country, the clothes are well suited for travel and it’s fun to help them shop. After the customer left, K and I looked at each and smiled. We talked about how that was the perfect way to end it, on a high note. Leaving wasn’t an easy decision to make, a part of me worried it was a step backwards and I’d get stuck again. I won’t let that happen. I have to follow my heart and maybe that is a luxury I have, but don’t think it doesn’t come with a cost because it does. What I have been through, I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I can’t change what’s happened, I can only move forward. The things that are chronic, I have to find relief from rather than making them worse. Exercising and improving my diet will help with the pain and fatigue. The mess in my head, I have to straighten that out. Things are so much better than they were, I need to remember that and give myself credit for what I have accomplished. My birthday is next month and instead of being upset about the age I’m going to be, cringe, I’m going to embrace it. I need to start acting more like an adult. I won’t lose my innocence and curiosity, but I’ll start trusting my strength and wisdom more.

Anyone tired of winter already? Ugh. It’s gotten really cold here. I didn’t go on any dates in December. I was busy with work and needed time to think. It seemed like I was either falling hard or not falling at all. Maybe that’s normal since I’ve been out of the dating scene for so long. Keep the date simple, meet for coffee and try to be more open-minded. My mom gets the mom of the year award, she helped me clean the bathroom. I have ptsd from treatment and have trouble using harsh cleaners. It was almost past the point of rescue and my mild cleaners weren’t working. Now I feel like I could have company over and not be completely embarrassed. The other day, I bought laundry detergent by myself. I walked down the aisle and didn’t have a panic attack. I’ve pumped gas twice now and it wasn’t so bad. All of these little victories feel empowering to me. It feels good to do normal things again. It’s not that things don’t bother me, I have tools to handle them: deep breathing, affirmations, and mental strength.

I’m going to hit the highlights of 2017 and set a few goals for 2018. It’s important to look at the progress we’ve made and things we’ve accomplished. I went to Utah twice to visit my family. I have the most amazing nieces. I participated in one book fair. I went rock climbing in the Adirondaks with First Descents and surfing in Maui with Project Koru. I met a bunch of cancer survivors who are now my friends. They inspire me daily. I saw the FCC soccer team play twice. I went swimming several times. I started dating and got a part-time job. I’d say that’s a pretty good year. It was. My goals for 2018 are to work, write, blog, exercise, eat healthy, date, and travel. I want to revise the novel, make art, do yoga, go indoor rock climbing, and get a television. I want to join a cancer support group, lead an art therapy group, and have more fun adventures. I want to get a tattoo on my left forearm, a butterfly, heart, cross, the word faith or all of them combined into one design. I want to go to some music concerts.

I’m going to share my blogging process. Writing is very therapeutic for me even the next day tmi hangover I always have since I write so candidly. When I first started blogging, I wrote about various topics rather than my personal life. Now, I weave them together to make sense of my experiences and offer insights which might be helpful to the reader. There’s usually one sentence that sticks out because it’s unclear or didn’t get revised or is a seed for a future blog. I don’t go back and change the post. I let it be even if there are a few mistakes. It’s good for me to let it be imperfect. Most of the time, the first draft is handwritten. There’s usually something I’m ready to write, but if it’s early in the month and I’m not ready to start the next blog, I’ll write in my notebook. If thoughts come to me at night while I’m in bed which they often do, I use the notes app on my phone. Some people probably skip these first two steps and go straight to typing. Whatever works best for you is your process. I put the pictures in last because I think it breaks up the text and adds visual interest.

I have a pretty good idea of what topics I want to cover and what needs to go into the post. Then I roll the blog around in my head for a few days. This is kind of annoying but also kind of fun. Then it gets to the point where the words are ready and the post needs to get typed. I think all this prep work is to outsmart my inner critic who still tries to tell me not to write and that I don’t have anything to say. Then it has to be revised several times. The final post is the result of four or five drafts. I don’t usually look back at the handwritten stuff unless I’ve forgotten something. I try to write a fresh take with fast energy although at this point the major parts are nearly memorized. Some posts are easier to write because they take less preliminary work. It comes down to saying what I want to say in the way I want to say it. I think that’s the key. It’s like playing the right notes on a musical instrument. It takes a lot of practice but it doesn’t feel like work because you enjoy it. When you’re good at something and your family is proud of you, it makes you feel good about yourself.

I want to address something because I heard a song about being just a number and it dawned on me what I might’ve done in last month’s post. When I wrote guy #3 and guy #5, my intention was to protect their identity by not revealing their names. I thought that’s what you’re supposed to do. It wasn’t to make anyone feel like they’re just a number. Guy #3 has a name, it’s Tommy. Guy #5’s name is Joseph. I feel bad about writing a post that takes jabs at someone in order to get a laugh. I don’t know how comedians are able to do that. I still have some anger and resentment to work through. We all do. It’s easy to criticize others because it takes the focus off of ourselves. I think I do a decent job of self-reflection by admitting to my errors and shortcomings. Maybe it’s easier for me to push people away than to let them get close which is something I’m still working on. I was raised on country music, it’s in my blood. I’d like to be with someone who can appreciate all types of music.

Let’s say a friend of mine had met five guys and was still interested in one of them. If she asked me for advice, I’d tell her, that’s a gd miracle, you’re so picky. Why not be happy? Why not take a chance? Practice what you preach. You deserve to be loved. Feel with your heart and think with your head. If it doesn’t work out, you’re strong enough to recover. He might not share your feelings, although he probably does. He might be talking to other women, but you’re just as awesome. He could break your heart, that’s a risk you’ll have to take. Friendship is the foundation. Get to know him better. When you care about someone, you stop playing games. Why would you keep dating when you’ve met someone you like? Why would you question what the good Lord has given you? He’s the only one you can’t stop thinking about, so stop being such a scaredy cat.

Until you start dating exclusively or enter into a relationship you can see whomever you like. Your love is worth a lot but not if you keep it to yourself, so don’t be stingy with your love but don’t give your love to someone who can’t love you back. When someone gives you the run around, don’t run, just walk away. Don’t let a guy who doesn’t know if he wants to be in your life keep you from living your life. And you have to take your love goggles off so you can see the other fish. Follow your heart. That’s my advice. You’re going to anyway. Just slow down. That’s the lesson I learned today. I locked my keys in my car. I put my purse and keys on the passenger seat so I could scrape off the snow. I should’ve kept the keys in my coat pocket or started the engine but it took mom awhile to bring the extra set of keys so that wouldn’t have been good. Luckily, I was able to use my neighbor’s cell phone to call her and wait inside the building. I was late to work. When I get out of the grocery, I put my purse and keys on the seat and then put the groceries in the car and it’s never locked on its own before. It must’ve been the cold weather. Oh well. All is well.

Have an awesome 2018!!

Julie

November passed by very quickly. I’m late to get my blog posted. I was busy learning my new job and my family visited for a few days. Since I’ve had several different retail jobs in the past, I feel very comfortable running a register. I haven’t worked in seven years, this felt like a good place to start. I enjoy helping the customers which requires me to be friendly and confident. I feel better about myself because I’m testing my limits and no longer being afraid. It’s also good for me to be busy and out of the apartment. I didn’t want to spend another winter feeling alone and isolated. I’m grateful to have found a job close by. I stopped shopping for clothes while I was writing the book. I wore the same pair of blue sweatpants for a few years, so it’s nice to be around new clothes. Although, I still have trouble buying myself stuff which is something I’m working on. I’m learning how to feel comfortable in my body again. I’m learning how to have a life after cancer. I was already behind on the cleaning and laundry. Now, I have even more to get done but it seems like the busier I am, the better I manage my time.

I realized something after watching a Youtube video where it talked about how our past isn’t baggage if it becomes a learned lesson. When you’re dating, if a person doesn’t appreciate your strength it’s because they’re trying to take advantage of you. I went on one date this month. I’ll call him guy #5 because that’s what he is, the fifth guy I’ve met from the dating site. He sent me a message and since I wasn’t completely repulsed by him, I thought I’d give him a chance. We talked on the phone about four times which now seems like wasted time although it takes time to get to know someone. He’s in a profession that I somewhat respect, yet the longer I talked with him the less and less I liked him. “Give him a chance,” my mom said. We agreed to meet after work at a restaurant near me. He was late to the date. I gave him the benefit of the doubt since he had a longer drive through rush hour. I wasn’t very nervous. I had already somewhat written him off, which I know sounds terrible. If nothing else, at least I’m being honest.

I went into the date already annoyed at his ex-wife baggage which he talked about in length. He wanted to know what the other four guys did wrong so he could mold himself into someone I would like. It doesn’t work that way. You’re either the person that I like or you’re not. Sure, you can stop bad habits or change superficial stuff but it comes down to whether the person does it for you or not. He didn’t do it for me. And I just keep thinking, am I being too … I don’t even know the word. No, I’m not being too anything. I’m being myself. I had a good time with him at least in the beginning. We had good conversation, but the final straw came when he drank more than I was comfortable with and wanted to go somewhere else and keep drinking. I’m not a party girl that’s pretty obvious on my profile. I ate more sushi than he did. Oh dear. I can’t eat more sushi than anyone lol. He said he hadn’t ran that day and didn’t want the extra calories. I think there’s more calories in beer than sushi.

While we were eating, he said, “I don’t have any STDs.” Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that’s polite dinner conversation. He said he figured I had probably slept with the other four guys because I’m on a dating site and that’s what people are doing nowadays. Oh really? I’m too old to fall for peer pressure. I could’ve slept with him but I didn’t want to, nor did I want to get to know him better. I guess that’s the bottom line. I want to actually like the person I become intimate with and feel like they like me too rather than just being some girl they find attractive enough to sleep with. Actually, the final straw was when he said he doesn’t like rap or country music. Oh dear. When I asked him who he likes he said John Mayer. While he does have a few good songs, he’s not one of my favorites. To put down two genres of music that require skill, talent, and musicality, is absurd. He probably realized that by the look on my face. Ugh.

I know I’m being too hard on him, that’s his opinion and he’s welcome to it. His niceness seemed insincere which also got on my nerves. Once again it sounds like I don’t like a perfectly nice guy. But if a person is just being nice to get something from you, how is that any better? I’ll admit, I’m a bit naive, a little slow to catch on. We all have issues, it’s whether we’re working on them or not. I got upset recently and cried about something. I’m doing something wrong. That’s it! I’m doing instead of being. I step into my masculine energy, try to make things happen, when that’s the guy’s job. I need to be more comfortable in my feminine energy. It’s okay to have feelings. If we didn’t have feelings, we’d be robots. My fears keep preventing me from getting closer to guy #3. Although I did see him again, I don’t feel like I made time for him. I focused on learning my job and seeing my family. I worried about whether he liked me or not. I wondered if I was pretty enough. And I didn’t want to get my heart broken. The problem is, you can’t go into it half-hearted or trying not to get hurt. That’s like half way striking the ball, it’s not going to go very far and you get hurt by stopping short. This is another example of how I deny myself what I really want instead of being brave.

I like my freedom too. I have to feel like I’m gaining rather than losing something by having them in my life. I didn’t feel that way with guy #5. I felt trapped and it seemed like he was trying to impress me by buying me an expensive dinner. As many of you know, I’m perfectly happy with a Pepsi and a burrito. I don’t want to throw him under the bus because it makes me sound rude and judgmental. I’m also trying to write a humorous post and dating is good material. My dad used to tell jokes and make people laugh, I think that’s what I’m trying to do. He wanted a second date and when I told him no, he got pretty upset and bad mouthed me. I told him about a quote I saw, I’m sure that helped, lol. It’s something like – if you don’t feel blessed to have them in your life, they’re someone else’s blessing. I’m not the one for him and he isn’t the one for me. You can’t force that to happen no matter how much you try. Love doesn’t work that way. I also heard something else – when you hit the lottery, you stop buying scratch offs. When you find what you’re looking for, you stop looking. It’s that simple. Trust takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight.

I deactivated my dating account, there was only a month left of my subscription, because I don’t feel like my head is in the right place. In some ways, I’m not taking it seriously enough, it’s an opportunity to meet someone special. In other ways, I’m taking it too seriously, it should be fun. I also felt like I had hit a dead end on that site and it began to feel like a burden. When I feel like it’s time to start dating again, I’ll pick one of the free sites, I don’t want to spend any more money. Most importantly, I’ve decided not to say anything about being a cancer survivor in my profile, that’s not something they need to know right off the bat. I realize that now. While being a survivor is an advantage, I’m less likely to put up with a bunch of nonsense, it puts me at a disadvantage by creating a dark cloud around me. Sad but true. It’s a part of who I am, for better or worse. I can’t undo what’s been done. I can’t change what’s happened. I can only move forward and hope for the energy to get out of bed and make it through the day. I have faith in God and myself. Being alone has made me stronger and no one can take that away from me.

Since I still have some feelings for guy #3, I’m not giving the other guys a chance. You’re just supposed to hide your profile when that happens and see where it goes. I don’t know where it’s going or if it’s going to go anywhere. When I start thinking with my heart instead of my head, I get off track. What brings me back to center is the fact that dating is about finding the person who can give you what you need and vice versa. It isn’t about forcing someone to be someone they don’t want to be. I have to figure out what I need. It’s harder to go out with someone I actually like because it means something. It’s easy to go out with guys I don’t like because it doesn’t matter. If I’m just going to pick guys to reach the challenge number that isn’t right either. I should look on the bright side, I’m 1/3 of the way there. If I decide to complete the challenge, I only have to meet 10 more guys. I could pick up the pace, I move at the speed of a turtle. Some girls could set up 2-3 dates a week. I’m grateful for the experiences I’ve had because they’ve helped me move forward. I just got my second paycheck and while it isn’t that much money, my mom is proud of me.

I’m typing this on my new laptop, a 13 inch MacBook Air, which I’ve had for a few months now. At first, I didn’t like it and had a difficult adjustment which is normal for me when I get new things. I had a Dell Inspiron for many years (contrary to popular belief, I did not type the book on a typewriter lol) but it had stopped working. What do I love about the laptop? It’s lightweight, has a long battery life, and syncs with my phone. I love the keyboard. I can bang on the keys which is quite satisfying. I’ve gotten used to the screen resolution which bothered me at first. Since I have ginormous hands, I wouldn’t have been happy with the 12 inch MacBook despite it’s Retina display, the keyboard is smaller. I also had to upgrade my phone from a 5C to a 7 because I was out of storage. I couldn’t take photos and my email wouldn’t open. I’m very grateful for my new technology. I’m also hoping to get a television for Christmas. What’s come over me? Five years is long enough to go without a television. I’d like to watch Jeopardy, soccer games, movies, and a few of my favorite shows.

I enjoyed seeing my brother, sister-in-law, and nieces. They flew here from Utah and stayed with my mom for five days. My aunts, uncles, and cousins came over for Thanksgiving dinner. I always enjoy seeing everyone and eating a delicious meal especially the sweet potato casserole, pecan and pumpkin pies. My niece, Emma, who will be three in March is very energetic and cute as a button. My other niece Mary, is five months old. She’s definitely more calm and quiet. Since I’m not having kids, I enjoy spending time with them. We went to the Entertrainment Junction and had a great time seeing the trains and taking pictures with Santa. Since I was so excited to see him, he gave me a token. I’m on his nice list lol. Since Christmas is right around the corner, it’s a good time to remember the reason for the season. Love. Joy. Hope. Faith. Gratitude. Family. Friendship. Strength. Purpose. Forgiveness. Humility. It’s not about presents although that’s one way we show our love and appreciation. Christmas is about the birth of potential, to see with new eyes, hope with renewed hope, and have faith that what is meant to be will be.

Have a happy Holiday,

Julie

What’s been going on since my last blog post? I spent two weeks in Utah visiting my brother, sister-in-law, and nieces. I had a really great time. My brother’s business trip to Amsterdam got postponed a few weeks so he was able to spend time with us. We went shopping at the Park City outlet mall and hiking in southern Utah where the terrain is desert with cactus and red rocks. My sister-in-law, Kristine, works at the Deer Valley Ski resort. She’s the head chef at one of their restaurants where we ate lunch after a beautiful drive through the mountains. The leaves were already changing colors and the aspens are almost as cool as willow trees. The higher we drove in elevation, the temperature dropped and everything was covered in snow.

At the risk of getting sappy, the love they share and the beautiful family they’ve created is awesome. I’m a proud aunt! Emma is two-and-a-half years old, Mary is four months. I don’t have much experience interacting with toddlers and babies so that was fun for me. Emma is very energetic while Mary has a quieter personality, lucky for them! They have one of those Echo things where you can tell it to play a song, it’s like a modern day jukebox. We had fun dancing to some tunes. I enjoyed holding little Mary and she fell asleep on my shoulder. I was able to pick her up when we she was crying and then she would stop crying. My energy was calm enough to calm her. I look forward to seeing them again when they visit next month.

When I got back home, I had a mountain of laundry to do since I totally overpacked, lesson learned, then I focused on applying to different types of jobs hoping that something would fall into place. I put a great deal of faith into the Universe to lead me in the right direction, of course, it takes effort on my part and that’s where I’ve been falling short. I’ve done a lot of inner work. I trust my intuition. I’m not angry anymore although I have moments of animosity. Forgiveness is the answer, it brings us joy. All of the despair we’ve gone through has only deepened our appreciation for happiness. I know no other way to describe it. The point of life is not suffering, it’s not about working ourselves to death, it’s not about denying ourselves pleasure. Life is about taking risks even when we’re afraid because one day of adventure is worth a thousand days of comfort.

The next weekend, I went shopping with my mom to buy pants and jeans to wear since I’ve gotten used to wearing sweatpants. As many of you know, I haven’t worked a regular job in several years. I survived cancer and self-published a book, I wasn’t twiddling my thumbs. Although, I got disconnected from the world around me. My disability has become a crutch allowing me to stay sick instead of pushing myself to get better. This year, the survivor camps were an important part of my healing process. I met survivors my age and realized the struggle is real. I was damn proud to stand among them. The fact that we had to suffer and still suffer in the name of health makes no sense. What if the way to heal darkness is with light and love? I am grateful for modern medicine and have deep respect for anyone who chooses that path, I just don’t think I could fight that way again. Of course, it’s easy to speculate from the crowd.

Family and friends notice when we’re not living up to our potential, but they often fall into the enabler role and things stay the same. Oftentimes, we bring new people into our lives who we know will call us on our shit. Even though the truth is hard to hear and we’ve heard it before, we’re finally ready to do something about it. We find the motivation to make changes and get our work done. I went out with one of the original four guys again because I wanted to see him. He was the third guy I met from the dating site. We played frisbee golf and now I regret complaining about the warm weather lol. He made me take a hard look at myself. I’m not going to give him more credit than he deserves because I’ve done the work, but he said something that struck me – I’m just going through the motions. He’s right. Fear does that to a person, it shuts down all possibility which makes us spectators instead of warriors. We all have wounds to heal. We all need love to survive. After awhile, no more healing happens in isolation, we need relationships. We have to allow ourselves to be imperfect because perfection is not something that God asks of us.

I’ve had three job interviews so far and …… I took the third job!!! During the first interview, which didn’t feel right at all, I realized I don’t need to apologize for what I’ve gone through and how long it has taken me to get back on my feet. Healing takes time, that’s the hard part, but that doesn’t mean I have to be hard on myself. Even God pardons sinners. The second interview went okay. I was offered the job but it didn’t feel right either. I went into two more stores that I was genuinely interested in and asked about my application, but I didn’t get the feeling they were hiring or that I was meant to be there. I decided to stop into the Eddie Bauer store at the Liberty Center, which is seven minutes away, and ask about my application. I love the store and their clothing. I feel comfortable there. It’s more than a brand, it’s a way of life. I support being active and enjoying nature because that’s how our spirits are refreshed and renewed.

What happened next was very interesting. I asked the guy who was working there about the status of my application. He’s actually the store manager and gave me an interview the next day. My mom and I shop there during the day when it isn’t busy and he has helped us several times. He remembered me and my mom. He said he enjoys hiring people who embody what the brand stands for – live your adventure. That’s a lot to live up to, and yet it’s who I have become. Working there will help me to stay on this healthy path. I feel happy to have someone recognize that and give me a chance. He didn’t even have my application. I had to fill out a paper one. After the interview, which felt like I was talking with an old friend, he offered me a part-time job. I took the job! I feel good about my decision. It’s the right speed for me. Yes, I’m somewhat nervous. I look forward to learning the job and getting into a routine. I hope to help the store as much as they are helping me. This is a big step towards regaining my independence, confidence, and normalcy, all of things that I lost.

For awhile now, I’ve wanted to feel more productive in my community. Helping others improves our self-esteem by generating feelings of well-being and satisfaction. The reason health can be so tricky to achieve and maintain is because we have a mind, body and spirit to look after. If we neglect any one of these, which is so easy to do and because they’re interconnected, we’ll feel out of balance. Same goes for dating. It isn’t love that eludes us, we elude love, we stand in our own way, we mess things up because we’re afraid, we’re used to being abandoned by the people who were supposed to love us. That’s why it’s hard to receive love and not be suspicious or worried that it will be taken away. Love doesn’t leave us. Fear leaves us when we love. Fear leaves us when we laugh and play. Fear leaves us when there is a safe place of mutual respect, trust, and kindness.

I’m sure some of you are waiting for some tasty tidbits from my dating life of which I have none to offer. I haven’t gone out with any new guys. I decided to put my energy into finding a job. That isn’t to say I’m done with dating, I just haven’t started up again. I have been back on the site. I’ve gotten a few messages some of which have potential. Although, I’d like to lower the challenge number because meeting 11 more guys seems like a lot. Or maybe I need to break it down into smaller chunks and meet 2-4 guys in the next two months. I want to be realistic and not go overboard while pushing myself to get out there. My friend, Christen, who gave me the idea, after hearing how well my first four dates went, knows me very well and wants the best for me. I’m glad she cares. Writing and working are safe activities for me because I’m in my head, yet they don’t get me the companionship my body craves. I think I’ve mastered the art of being single! There’s no shame in needing someone. Maybe the strongest thing I can do now is learn how to trust someone again.

The holiday season can be a very busy and hectic time. I should be more excited about dating and make good use of this opportunity to learn about myself. I still like one of the original four guys and even though we had rocky start, I feel blessed to know him. He makes me laugh. There’s a depth to him that matches my depth. I don’t know if that makes any sense. I know better than to put my cards on the table. Let’s just say, I feel like I’m the Bachelorette and I’ve already chosen my favorite lol. I’m going to follow my heart. What else can I do? I also realize the importance of not putting all of my eggs into one basket. Even though I enjoy being alone and have plenty to occupy my time, I wonder if I could share my life with someone down the road. I’m the type who wants a relationship, yet I don’t give a lot of chances and I’m quick to dismiss guys when I don’t feel a connection with them. I have trouble letting people love me. Dating is hard work. I keep forgetting that it could be a fun experience.

I need to give myself credit for how far I’ve come while encouraging myself to do more. It isn’t about dating a certain number of guys, those are just guidelines to get me to see the bigger picture. Life is too precious, like my sweet baby niece, Mary, to waste it on self-doubt or negativity. I need to quit disrespecting God with my bad attitude and inability to let go of the past. I can trust where this path is taking me and I’m smart enough to know when it’s leading my astray. The best thing we can offer someone is friendship that’s the foundation, the bowl filled with ice cream. Passion is an added bonus, the whipped cream and chocolate syrup. Having the whole damn sundae is the holy grail. I won’t settle for less. I can’t settle for less. It’s what we all deserve, love that knocks us off our feet in awe and surrender and gratitude that there can be something so beautiful and amazing in this fucked up world, if only we can hold it gently and carefully. That’s why we’re here, one of the many reasons, to love like we’ve never been hurt and live like we’ve never been lost.

Have a great week,

Julie