Book

Book Release !!

i am strong

A lot has happened since I last blogged. My book went live in what seemed like the blink of an eye. That’s right, in less than a week after my brother uploaded the files, the book went live. I’m probably still in shock, repeating the words so they will sink in and feel real. It’s a dream come true, and I don’t feel freaked out like I thought I would. The world didn’t stop, people didn’t knock on my door, and yet, the universe winked at me. 😉

Let me back up a step, the UPS guy delivered the book to my door. I paid extra so I shouldn’t have been surprised. The book sat there for twenty minutes before I could look inside. I bawled my eyes out like a big baby as I looked through it. The print, text, and paper exceeded my expectations. It looked amazing! I made a video to have a record of the event. I uploaded it to YouTube, changed my mind and deleted it. Nobody needs to see me crying with bad angles and poor lighting. I’m glad I have the video for myself, to remember how happy I felt knowing my hard work created something beautiful and magical.

I am excited

I announced it on Twitter to the sound of crickets, which isn’t surprising since I don’t reach out much. I think marketing and promotion will take some time and effort. I have joined a breast cancer chat group #bcsm which was really fun. It’s on Monday nights at 9pm. I found another one for tonight, Tuesday, at 5pm #bccww. I finally made contact with my community and making friends with people who understand feels good. Why has it taken me this long to reach out and share my story? I don’t know.

We heal at different rates. Healing is an ongoing process. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea or impression about the title of the book. All of a sudden I got scared that I had made the biggest cancer faux pas in the world, telling survivors to get over it. I think it’s different coming from another survivor, at least I hope so. This is the stuff that helped me, stuff that’s still helping me. Being creative is how we release all the yucky feelings that keep us stuck in the past.

I am resilient

The book title came from a text message a coworker/friend sent to me after treatment ended. He asked me, “So, have you put all that cancer stuff behind you?” There was no way I could’ve answered, “Yes.” I had just been through hell, physically and emotionally wrecked, that’s not easy to sweep under the rug. I don’t think he was trying to be rude or insincere. In a sense, I let the pain drag me down and pull me away from the love and support I needed. So, in an ironic twist of fate, I am released from my pain and isolation.

There is an expectation for survivors to sweep it all under the rug and get back to normal. I think this is easier for some people. I am a very sensitive person and I tend to ruminate. Now I realize I could have been channeling my bitterness into advocacy or something more useful. I could’ve been volunteering or speaking at conferences. When does recovery or depression cross the line into being self-indulgent and somewhat harmful? Good question.

i am peaceful

The morning after I announced the book on Twitter, I expected to see a few messages on my phone from friends congratulating me. I only had one message, and it wasn’t even about the book. And yet, that one message made me smile, and it was better than ten messages. Life is about finding chemistry with others, and being brave enough to take the next step. Even if it’s a baby step.

One more funny tidbit. The “Look Inside” feature on Amazon is great except for the first page of the Introduction is omitted. It took me a moment, then I realized why. I say “sucked” and “panties.” Not in a sexual way, this isn’t 50 Shades of Grey. It’s more like 50 Shades of Recovery. If you do buy the book, please leave an honest review, it would help me a lot. Thanks 🙂

Have a good week,

Julie

Book

my adventures in self-publishing!

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Good news! I’ve ordered the paperback proof; it should be here by Friday. I’m excited to see and hold the book in my hands. If everything looks alright, I will release the book for purchase! Although, I might wait until the eBook is ready and release them together. The cover (which I still haven’t shared) is bright, happy, beautiful, and amazing. I have no idea how he captured exactly what it needed to be.

Thanks to my brother for helping me upload the cover and interior files to CreateSpace. My computer just wasn’t having it. I tried for three days, kept getting an error message to check my internet connection. Of course, my brother uploaded the files in under two minutes, while he was feeding my niece lunch. He said maybe I just needed to switch to another browser like Safari instead of Firefox. Computers are not my specialty.

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Ryan will do the eBook conversion when he returns from vacation the week of April 4th. I heard back from CreateSpace today, in less than 12 hours, that the files passed inspection and I could order the proof copy. I didn’t cry. I’ve cried so many tears, I’m trying to be a big girl, lol. I’m probably going to cry when I’m holding the book in my hands. I will take some pictures and share them. Hopefully, I can stop being such a scaredy cat.

To make a long story short, don’t be afraid of self-publishing. If I can figure it out, anyone can. I’m doing what I thought I couldn’t do, and that’s the best feeling in the world. The feeling of accomplishment. Being proud of what I have created. Sharing a message of hope. Seeing my dream become a reality. I believed in myself and trusted my intuition. Let’s not forget the most important element … magic.

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Yes, the process has been nerve-wracking at times, and I questioned whether I was making the right decision. It is a monetary investment. I’ve had to choose, organize, and manage the editing, formatting, and cover design, which would’ve been handled by the publisher. But I had total control and learned how the process works from the inside out. Traditional publishing takes longer. I had already spent so many years hem-hawing around that it was time to get serious.

I just realized I haven’t blogged since March 17th. Writing is my guilty pleasure, much like Sour Cream and Onion Pringles. I need to blog more often. I tend to wait until the words are ready rather than forcing them. I’ve been busy making the final corrections, there were five pages, once he typeset the manuscript several weird spacing things occurred. There was something in each section that needed to be fixed. Looking forward to the day when it truly is the final read though. It will be your first read through, I hope you enjoy it! 🙂

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Have a good week,

Julie

Life

Starting Over

There’s a quote from the movie, The Princess Bride, that popped into my head recently, and it seems very fitting for what’s been going on in my life lately. Inigo Montoya says it to Westley at the end of the movie. “Is very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it’s over, I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life.”

Inigo is talking about how he spent years looking for the six-fingered man who killed his father. How does this apply to me? Well, I feel like I’ve been in the revenge business, trying to get back at the cancer treatment by telling my story. Revenge is based on anger and feeling like we’ve been wronged and in need of vindication.

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Forgiveness is the only true vindication. I have to take responsibility for my choices and quit being a whiny baby. I’m glad Inigo killed Count Rugen. I can’t kill the cancer. I can change my thoughts and behaviors. I recently caught a cold, a sore throat, which forced me to slow down even more. It’s a wake-up call that I’m not relaxing enough. I need to spend more downtime on the couch, find a better balance between work and play.

In some ways, I have been hiding out. Using cancer as a crutch to stay sick and avoid life. Although I have sincerely been working on the manuscript so that it will be very good, I didn’t have to disappear and live in my fantasy world. I can’t protect myself from something bad happening again. In some ways, my isolation has made me worse.

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And yet, there’s a Natalie Goldberg quote that doesn’t make me feel so bad about leaving the world to write my story. “Know that you will eventually have to leave everything behind; the writing will demand it of you.” I think this goes for any profession that you feel passionate about. Hard work isn’t easy; it’s not supposed to be, but in the end, it will be worth it. No, the book isn’t perfect, and that’s what makes it perfect. I am becoming comfortable with imperfection.

It is what it is, and I’ve done what I’ve done. I’ve made choices, good and bad. I’ve made sacrifices, good and bad. Writing a book is a huge accomplishment, and I am worthy of success. I should be the first one to believe that rather than the last. Thank God, I have a good team around me who reminds me: I have worked hard and it is amazing. I bawl my eyes out because a part of me knows the book kicks butt, and the difficult path was the right one.

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I’m starting over, my new life awaits me. What’s funny is that a few years ago, I filled out this form about what I wanted for my future, and I wrote down to have an “exciting life, job, friends, and success.” Even though I’m still struggling with anxiety, depression, ocd, ptsd, chronic pain and fatigue, I feel like my dreams are coming true. I didn’t mention love on that questionnaire, how unlike me!

I’m new to this blogging thing, still learning what’s appropriate to talk about and how much personal sharing feels comfortable. And I need to make sure I’ve revised the post before I publish it! Keep it as a draft for a few days. Patience is indeed a virtue. This is a picture of Buttercup from the same movie. This is the scene where she realizes she’s fallen in love with Westley, her farm boy who becomes a pirate. The expression on her face is awesome. Love does that to you.

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Have a good week,

Julie

Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all else will be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33)

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Self Esteem

What to do when self-doubt creeps into your creative projects?

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Say more affirmations! Go for a walk. Get a pep talk from a friend. Make a list your accomplishments. Eat something healthy. Clean a small area of your room. Dance, sing, pout, moan, cry, yell, take a selfie. Send an email or text message. Write a blog post. Start a new project that you are excited about. Passion trumps excuses.

How do we continue trudging along trusting that what we are creating has merit, is important, and worth the sacrifice? I don’t know. I trust God, the angels, music, and nature. I trust my intuition. Perhaps self-doubt is a sign that we care about doing a good job, but we’re uncertain about our abilities. We often judge ourselves harshly.

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My self-doubt has been returning as I get into the final stages of the manuscript becoming a book. My self-doubt reveals itself in the form of anxiety and procrastination. I start trying to control things, even more than usual. I am forced to look at old wounds which need healing. Not everyone will like my book, and that’s okay.

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I breathe and let go of the outcome. I practice non-attachment in a compassionate way. The book moved through me, and we are parting ways. The book isn’t about me anymore. I was just the messenger. I’m letting go, so I can be free. Letting go is hard, holding on is harder.

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I’ve become a better writer. I have more discipline and confidence. I reached out and made new friends. And yet…

The voice in my head still asks questions like: Why am I doing this? What if the book is terrible and I wasted my time? What if it doesn’t help anyone? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I’m wrong? What if there are grammatical errors no one found?

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I can face my fears and flip those questions: What if it’s amazing and people love it? What if the book helped me get closure? What if the book creates new opportunities? What if people are inspired by my journey? What if I have the courage after all?

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I recently got super excited by the idea of selling my book at book fairs and arts & crafts festivals. I could make magnets, jewelry, affirmation cards, lots of stuff. I have to thank Morgan for the idea, she posted an article that sparked the idea. I’m going to do some research, make a list of them, and look at the application process.

Have a good week,

Julie

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Writing

New Writing Project

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As I wrap up the project I’ve been working on for the past three years, the breast cancer book, I’m excited to return to the fiction stories that were put on the back burner. This is good for several reasons, one, it’s forcing me to move on and separate from the book. And two, the fiction stories are fun and lighthearted, for the most part, I’m not digging through deep emotional turmoil. Praise Jesus! 🙂

I feel a sense of confidence and competence that’s allowing me to look at the stories with fresh eyes and discernment. I’m more aware of what needs to stay and what needs to go. I know my style, weaknesses, and strengths. This time I will hire a fiction editor and try to spend less on the overall process. If that’s possible! I will still need a typesetter and cover designer. I can enjoy myself this time around.

I have the writing bug, better than the love bug or sick bug, I suppose. Wish me luck as I work on the chick lit story. It’s in pretty good shape already 40k words and 170 pages. And it still needs a lot of tender love and care. Time and effort. Dedication. Devotion. Passion. I also have a fantasy story that needs work and one that needs written. I enjoy writing dialogue and creating new worlds.

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Cheers!

Julie

Life

Jobs I’ve Had

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Ironically, I’ve never worked as a florist. So, where have I worked? You name it, I’ve worked there. Not really, but I have worked in many different stores.

My first job was as a waitress in a small family run restaurant known for their banana cream pies. The meringue was four inches high. The pie lady was quite notorious for her pies. I worked there while I was in high school. When I didn’t have soccer practice, I waited tables after school from 4-9pm. Some nights, I made $40 in tips! I enjoyed multi-tasking and having to remember everything.

I’ve been a cashier in arts & crafts, books & music, clothing, and health food stores. You might recognize some of them: Michael’s, Hobby Lobby, Borders, Starbucks, Kohl’s, Plato’s Closet, Jungle Jims, The Vitamin Cottage, just to name a few!

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I’ve been a soccer referee, magazine telemarketer, counselor aide/med tech at a drug & alcohol treatment center, and a claims representative at an insurance company. I’ve also worked as an art therapist during my internship with children, the elderly, juvenile delinquents, recovering addicts, and in an open studio.

I enjoyed working at all of these jobs for very different reasons. Each job taught me a new set of skills. I’ve had some issues along the way, which I think is par for the course. I’ve been fired, I’ve quit, and I’ve walked out. I can be stubborn and inflexible. I’m also very kind, dependable, and hard working. I’ve experienced a lot of success and promotions, too.

I’m still trying to find my job, career, life purpose. I’m getting closer 🙂

Cheers!

Julie

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Goals

short and long-term goals

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I’m a list maker, a planner. I like to be organized and prepared. I can rewrite the grocery list several times before it’s perfect. I have several to-do lists going. I usually write a daily and a weekly. It finally dawned on me to separate my computer to-do list from my home to-do list. As my mom likes to point out, “You have post-it-notes everywhere.”

I like a 5 x 8 writing pad and the normal 8 1/2 x 11 notebook. I love good paper. I also like a good ballpoint pen. Pilot makes a good one. This blog is pretty boring. My intention before I got sidetracked was to list some goals to hold myself accountable. Things I want to accomplish and focus my attention on this year.

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  1.  Review page samples from Ryan on Friday. Choose font/headings I like better.
  2.  Review typeset manuscript when he’s done. Give him final edits and revisions. So far I’ve only found nine things, very minor stuff, unnecessary quotation marks and commas. I’m tired of reading the manuscript. I will be happy when this project is completed.
  3.  Upload interior and cover to CreateSpace and Kindle. I have both accounts ready to go. Decide on price for paperback $9.99 – 12.99 and e-book $2.99 – 4.99. Decide on glossy or matte cover.
  4.  Order paperback proof so that I can look it over before making it available for sale. Go ahead and make e-book live.
  5.  Give my editors the PDF so they can provide review on Amazon.
  6.  Do a happy dance, because hallelujah the book will be published. Drink a margarita. Amen.
  7.  Get part-time job, buy car, exercise more, eat better, work on fiction stories, make affirmation cards, get laundry caught up.
  8.   Make doctor appointment for check up. Look into Reiki healing and EMDR for PTSD. Make salon appointment.
  9.   Blog some of the material that got cut from the book. It went from 56K to 50K words!
  10.   Be confident 🙂

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Well, that turned into being more about the book. Oh well. All good.

Funny story, Morgan said we will have another video call so I can hold up my book. Hold up my book, I laughed, I’m going to throw it out the window! 🙂 Just kidding.

And thanks to my mom, I have Adele’s song, “Hello,” stuck in my head. She bought the c.d. because she likes it so much. She asked me if I’ve ever heard the song, so I watched the video on YouTube and now it’s stuck in my head. She is a good singer with perfect pitch and emotional depth.

Cheers!

Julie

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Life

38 Things You Didn’t Know About Me

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To commemorate my 38th birthday. You don’t look 38, I know, right?  Some days, I feel more like 68. My birthday was on February the 9th.

I decided to write a list of 38 things about me. Here goes …

  1.  I was born in the morning on a Thursday during a blizzard.
  2.  I’m not a morning person.
  3.  I’m a night owl.
  4.  I like cheesy love songs.
  5.  I played flute in the concert band.
  6.  I don’t like scary movies, at all!
  7.  I’m allergic to cats and dogs.
  8.  I’ve never broken a bone.
  9.  I like beer more than wine.
  10.  I’m naturally athletic.
  11.  I don’t like red or green peppers.
  12.  I don’t like spicy food.
  13.  I’m boring.
  14.  I worry too much.
  15.  I like peanut m&m’s.
  16.  I like parties.
  17.  I like fortune cookies.
  18.  My middle name is Renae.
  19.  I have one older brother named David.
  20.  My niece is the cutest baby in the world.
  21.  I’m not having kids.
  22.  Labor scares the hell outta me.
  23.  I have a good memory.
  24.  I’m an old soul.
  25.  I like rainbows and sunsets.
  26.  I’m good at word puzzles.
  27.  I was raised on country music.
  28.  I’m smart, but I’m always the last one to get the joke.
  29.  I don’t like makeup or perfume.
  30.  I can’t sing very well.
  31.  I like to dance and have fun.
  32.  I like to laugh 🙂
  33.  If I don’t get a good night sleep, I’m grumpy.
  34.  I like quotes and inspirational things.
  35.  I don’t like really hot or really cold weather.
  36.  I have to think of two more things.
  37.  My idols growing up were Madonna and Mary Lou Retton.
  38.  I write really good blogs! 🙂

Probably more than anyone needed to know.

Cheers!

Julie

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Art Therapy

What is Art Therapy?

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Imagine if Art and Psychology had a baby. You could name the baby, Art Therapy. Combining the two disciplines creates an exciting modality for healing and personal growth. You don’t have to be an artist or have any art experience. What’s important is that you’re able to be creative, playful, and spontaneous.

Art therapy is about expressing your feelings, emotions, hopes, wishes, and dreams. It isn’t about imitating Claude Monet or Vincent Van Gogh. Art therapy works best if you allow the magic to happen.

Art Therapy was developed in the 1940s by a woman named Margaret Naumburg. She and her sister Florence Cane started The Walden School for children. They practiced the belief that, “the emotional development of children, fostered through encouragement of spontaneous creative expression and self-motivated learning, should take precedence over the traditional intellectual approach to the teaching of a standardized curriculum.” (Frank, 1983)

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“She was forever pointing out that art therapy, with its use of symbolic language and imagery, was often a more effective road to the unconscious than the usual verbal approach of psychoanalysis and dynamic psychotherapy.  She was influenced by Eastern thought and philosophy. The direction of her teachings focused on the growth of the child’s soul through play and self-discipline involved in painting.” (Frank, 1983)

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There are two main types: art as therapy and art in therapy.

Art as therapy is used in open studios and group settings. Art making is seen as therapeutic because it relieves stress and builds confidence. The process is valued over the product, although the art is often good enough to sell. There’s something quite magical that happens when we allow the art work to come through us rather than forcing a preconceived image.

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Art in therapy is done by the client as part of their therapy session. The therapist gives a directive based on what the client is struggling with so that they can go deeper into the healing process. The therapist helps the client find meaning by asking questions like,

“What does the image need?”

“If the image had a voice, what would it say?”

The client ultimately decides what the image is about and what it represents for them.

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Both types of art therapy are wonderful and they often overlap. A group setting can get quite analytical while a private session can be more for relaxation. The main thing to remember is that art making accesses the unconscious, so there needs to be a safe container for what is created. We leave our judgment and criticism at the door.

Art making speaks the words we cannot say, so there is always the possibility that traumatic experiences or memories will reveal themselves in the art work. That is why it is important that the therapist is skilled in helping the client work through difficult emotions and releasing the negative energy.

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References

  • Cane Detre, K. , Frank, T., Refsnes Kniazzeh, C., Robinson, M. C., Rubin, J. A., and Ulman, E. (1983). Roots of Art Therapy: Margaret Naumburg (1890-1983) and Florence Cane (1882-1952) – A Family Portrait. American Journal of Art Therapy, , 113-116.
Affirmations

What are affirmations?

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Without looking up a definition, I’ll try to create one…

Affirmations are positive statements that help us envision and create a new reality. We underestimate the power of our thoughts. We’re creating all of this with our minds, so we best be choosing peace.

Instead of saying, I want to lose weight. All that does is put you in the wanting mode. Choose affirmations like: I am losing weight. I am becoming thinner. It is easy for me to shed extra pounds. I am at my ideal weight. I love to exercise and eat healthy. I am beautiful.

Affirmations are most effective when they’re personal, specific, and in the present tense. Starting an affirmation with “I am” is very basic and incredibly powerful. Try a quick exercise. Which feels better?

I am smart.

I am stupid.

Hopefully, I am smart feels better. When I say them, there’s still a tendency for the “I am smart” to bounce off me instead of sinking in, my inner critic likes to contradict compliments. In all honesty, I am smart, so it’s funny that my first instinct is to question it. When I say “I am stupid” it feels like I’m hitting myself with a baseball bat. Not good.

Sometimes it’s in the wording, if smart doesn’t feel right, choose intelligent, gifted, talented, or creative. If there’s negative energy around a word because it’s tied to an event or person from our past, it won’t serve us to make it one of our common affirmations. An affirmation should feel light and free.

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How did I start practicing affirmations? Why are they an important part of my life? I have my friend, Will, to thank for that. I didn’t even know what they were. He and his cousin, Liz, invited me to join their affirmation group. They sent original daily affirmations to each other through email. You could also send quotes or music videos, as long as it was positive and motivational. I also bought my first affirmation card deck, Louise Hay’s Wisdom deck.

Affirmations opened my eyes to the amount of negative self-talk going on in my head due to years of being unaware or unconcerned with my mental chatter. It wasn’t until the very fabric of my reality changed that I actually began repeating them all day long. They helped me fight back against the panic attacks and reclaim my peace of mind. I will always be grateful for beautiful thoughts and caring friends! 🙂

Shine on,

Julie

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The Healing Room