This month I’m going to talk about dating and my experience thus far. I went to a speed dating event that was good practice, but ultimately didn’t turn into anything. I found the guys to be too young or not my type. I only said “Yes” to two of them and only one of them said “Yes” to me and then we never emailed each other. It was good to see that six out of the nine guys said “Yes” to me since I was nervous and thought I had made a bad impression. My mom thinks I’m being too picky and not giving them a chance. I think it’s okay to be picky because I can’t fake feelings of adoration. I also joined a popular dating site, one that I had been reluctant to go on. Between being allergic to cats and dogs which eliminates many of them, a cancer survivor which adds some degree of seriousness, I’m not getting as many messages as I probably would have. And yet, I’m getting enough to keep me busy. If nothing else, it makes me laugh, some of the messages are hilarious. You never know, the love of my life could live in my own town.
I think I got tired of meeting and falling for guys who live in other states. I’m talking about you California and Colorado! When you know or meet amazing guys, it raises the bar. I’m a deep thinker. I shouldn’t have to apologize or dumb myself down. That being said, I’m not that complicated! I’ve noticed I’m too quick to sell myself short and dating requires a lot of effort. I’m definitely learning what I like and don’t like. Regardless of whether they’re naughty or nice, they all have the same end goal, just different ways of going about it. My first date was with Charles. He’s very sweet, charming, and good looking. We had an innocent, flirtatious banter right from the beginning. Let’s just say, kissing him made up for seven years of solitude. I was like, thank you Jesus. Hallelujah! 🙂 I’m a pretty good kisser and I’ve done my fair share of kissing back in the day, so I know what I’m talking about. I definitely enjoyed the movie and dinner date.
It would be better if I had a part-time job, something else to occupy my free time. Sometimes, I miss having a work schedule and find myself somewhat lost. I’m happy to report I’ve begun working on the next book. If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know this has been a constant struggle. I’ve decided to call my writing a hobby in the hopes that it will take the pressure off. Writing brings me joy and I feel lost without it. I know what writing a book takes: passion, focus, solitude, feedback, and devotion. It’s hard to be in both worlds. It’s hard to stay balanced. I nearly went insane last time. It’s takes a lot of courage to step back into the arena. Luckily, I’m writing fiction this time which is much easier and I have an awesome group of friends who motivate me to be brave. I don’t feel lonely anymore. This book has a lighter tone making for a more enjoyable read. I’m not starting from scratch, I’ve been writing bits and pieces of it over the last few years when I had breaks from the cancer book. I wasn’t sure where the story was going. I might end up doing a collection of short stories. It feels good to be in the creative mode again.
I have a feeling athletes, musicians, writers, and artists experience burnout more often than we’d care to admit. We forgot why we love what we love because it gets wrapped up in other things. We have to fall in love with the process all over again, seeing it as a gift rather than a burden. By stepping away from it, I have fresh eyes to fix the problems and through blogging, I’ve become better at writing. I find writing to be very healing and empowering. It’s something I can do on my own, no one can take it from me, and eventually it can help others. When I was recovering from cancer treatment, my mom and I went to Books-A-Million and bought a stack of books for me to read. It was the best thing in the world. I picked the fun, easy-to-read chick lit books usually with a love story because they cheered me up. I became the character in the book instead of the sick girl with cancer. That’s what I’m hoping to do for someone else. If my gift is words, and I’ve tormented myself wondering if it is, then that’s what I have to offer, that’s my purpose. Not all escapes are bad, some are quite necessary.
It’s taken me over a year to get back into “serious” writing. I thought I was being lazy, because I still don’t give myself credit for anything, but my friend, Mike, doesn’t think I’m lazy, probably one of the best compliments I’ve received this year. I got tired of being alone which should come as no surprise, I’ve been alone for quite awhile. While it has made me stronger, I’ve almost waited too long and now appear somewhat desperate or can’t be as discerning. I’m old enough to know better, but love is like a drug and logic can go right out the window. I want to meet a man who doesn’t need me to change the core of who I am, which is impossible anyway. I want to meet a man who makes me feel calm rather than agitated, loved rather than neglected. I want to meet a man who can handle my need for freedom without getting worried. I don’t want a man who falls at my feet, nor do I appreciate being ignored. I guess it doesn’t work until there is equal adoration. I want sparks and butterflies. Why wouldn’t I?
Dating is a very strange process that takes time and energy. The dating scene has changed a lot and yet it hasn’t changed at all. There are a lot of people looking for love and affection, conversation and connection. I’ve started taking my walks again which feels amazing. I went swimming at my apartment’s pool, it was very relaxing and great exercise. I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow, it needed to be trimmed a few months ago. I bought a Vera Wang dress at Kohl’s for Heather and Kyle’s wedding. It’s very pretty with a green, blue, purple, black, and white flower design. I’ve enjoyed looking for a dress, it has forced me to get in touch with my feminine side. What’s more feminine than a dress? I want to look good and be presentable at my cousin’s wedding. She looks up to me. I’ve missed two family weddings, sorry about that, and have some catching up to do!
My haircut turned out great. I’m really happy with it. Rhea, a hairstylist at Mitchell’s salon, cut off 4 inches and gave me face-framing layers. Don’t worry, I can still put it up in a ponytail! It feels better to have a shape and style. I figured out why I wait so long between appointments – my hair fell out during chemo. I had some anxiety during the haircut. When I saw a chunk of my hair slide down the black smock and land on my lap, I tried to stay present. I grabbed the hair, tossed it on the floor, and said some encouraging things to myself. I’m getting a haircut. I feel safe with Rhea. She’s been cutting my hair for several years. It’s going to look better. We were chatting about boys and music which is a good distraction. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Why do we hold onto things that no longer serve us? Why do we get used to feeling bad? I felt tired today. I didn’t feel like doing much. I wanted to crawl up on the couch and watch a movie, pretty hard to do without a television! I ended up taking a long walk. Fresh air + sunlight + exercise = health. If you subtract a few letters, lol.
I have had a negative experience from online dating, it was with the first guy I started talking with named T. He’s six years younger than me which might explain the difference in maturity. A few weeks ago, I was looking at profiles on my phone and accidentally liked his photo. We got to talking and then stopped when he admitted to being a pothead and wondered if I was okay with that. I’m not okay with that. I don’t like when people aren’t present with me. I don’t have anything wrong with cannabis or it being used medicinally, I’d just prefer not to have a partner who smokes weed. Somehow, we got to talking again, call it what you will, loneliness, whatever. The texting escalated pretty quickly. Let’s just say he wasn’t texting to hear about my day. And since this dating thing is part research, I continued texting thinking if nothing else it’s material for a story. And I thought he was cute.
T asked me if I’d be interested in some nsa/fwb fun. It took me a minute to figure that one out – no strings attached/friends with benefits. Hmmm. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, if both people agree and stay safe. Might as well get high, too. I’m just kidding. Laughter is good medicine. Is it easier to do that and walk away? Hit it and quit it, as they say. Or is it easier to form an emotional bond and actually care about the person? I think there are two mistakes we make when dating: taking the easy route or forcing things to happen, both of them kill the magic and make a mockery of love. Relationships take time, they’re frustrating and difficult, but in the end it’s worth it. When you have someone who cares about you, that’s a priceless feeling. He was pressuring me, and I felt like a coward for not accepting his offer because a part of me wanted that, why wouldn’t I? I’m human, I got needs. Then I remembered what it felt like to sleep with someone I barely knew. It didn’t feel right.
What happened though, and I should probably be glad because it kept me from getting myself into a bad situation, he admitted to there being two dogs at his house belonging to his friend. I don’t know why, but I immediately knew they were his girlfriend’s dogs. Yep, she’s out of town, doesn’t want to know about it, but she’s okay with it. Oh my. This is just baffling to me. One lie after another. We had even talked previously about how I’m allergic to dogs and he didn’t have any. That same night, I was also texting Brian who is very polite and not being overly aggressive. I told him about T and he said, “Get a hooker, if that’s your intentions.” I told T to hire a hooker and that shut him up for a minute. He kept talking and I texted him, “One day you’ll realize you’re more than your dick and then you’ll stop acting like one.”
Once he realized he wasn’t going to get any, he switched his tactics to wanting to grab some wine. First of all, you don’t grab wine, you grab a beer. Second of all, why would I want to grab wine with you now? I told my mom about him. She said I need to screen them better or be more selective. I agree. Luckily, there are guys who won’t take advantage of my ignorance and vulnerability. Guys who respect women rather than treating them like a piece of ass. Although, I’m realizing even the “nice guys” just want to get in my pants. I must have some nice pants, lol. Maybe it’s okay to be seen in a sexual light and I’m the one who’s being too prudish. I’ve always struggled with my sex appeal, feeling more like a tomboy, and in some sense the only sex appeal I have, I have nothing to do with. I feel comfortable in my own skin and don’t try to impress others. I could spend more time on my appearance and present myself in a way that makes me feel more attractive. It only mattered that I was slender and attractive, that was his criteria. I don’t know whether to feel insulted or flattered.
I’ve noticed when I get messages from guys who seem really nice, my first instinct is to find a reason not to like them. Case in point is John. He eats clean, works out, and the conversation is great. He asked me about the koru necklace I’m wearing in my profile picture. I didn’t have an initial attraction to him and worried there wouldn’t be any sparks. Good grief, sparks can burn a house down! At first, I pushed him away saying it was the distance because he lives a bit further away, then I contacted him again and we planned a hiking date at the Cincinnati Nature Center. I had a really good time. Before y’all get too excited, I don’t think he’s the one. I know he’s not the one. He’s a great guy, but he’s not my guy. Even though we kissed a bunch of times, there weren’t any sparks. And no, it isn’t something that will come with time. I thought about that, too. He wants a relationship. He’s further along in the dating process, I’ve just gotten started. I talked with him today. He thinks the world of me, which is good for my ego, but I don’t feel the same way about him. It’s nice to be on the other side for once. I can see how silly I was to chase guys who weren’t that into me. I hope John and I keep in touch and become good friends.
Have a great week,