April 2020

I’ve decided to write another blog post since I have extra time on my hands. Some days, I feel really motivated and get a lot done. I feel hopeful that everything will be okay. I’m glad to have a break from work, I was getting a little burnt out. Other days, I’m bummed about the virus, how it’s changed our lives so abruptly. I want life to go back to normal and wonder if that will ever happen. I don’t get as much done as I should but that’s okay, too. We’re a society of do-do-do, it’s rare that we just be-be-be. Nike’s slogan is “Just do it,” it’s not “Just be it.” That would be better lol. So adapting to the changes by not judging ourselves harshly and cutting ourselves some slack will be very helpful during this time. I’m not being as lazy as I could be. I could watch more TV.  I could read the three new books sitting here. There’s always something to do. Putting a bunch of pressure and expectations on our shoulders is not a good thing.

Speaking of which, going on the dating sites created a good escape and more stress. I wondered if I had made a mistake? I wasn’t used to getting so much attention, it was kind of shocking. Of course, I enjoy flattery, who doesn’t? But a lot of it was unwanted, inappropriate, and from guys I’m not attracted to. And they don’t even know me, not to deflect the compliments because I am a sexy beast lol. As my mom put it ever so bluntly, “Most of them are just looking for a piece of ass.” Which is really sad. Women have thoughts and feelings, as do men, to lose all of that is a shame. And I have a nice ass, they need to work for it! So I’m cautious of guys who lead with that strategy. I’m not here to judge, you do you boo. I have to like the guy as a person, who he is and what he stands for. I need a guy who can be patient. That isn’t to say it should take forever or that I’m going to be patient lol. I have to feel like he cares about me and he’ll go at my pace. I continue to trust God. He is bringing and has brought the right guys into my life, it’s my job to welcome the blessings.

Having a lot of options means I can take my time and be selective. I’m attracted to guys who have a great personality, intellect, energy, and can make me laugh. That’s hard to resist. I also have to find them attractive. The biggest thing for me is feeling comfortable to be myself and say what I need to say without being made to feel like it’s too much. Two years ago, when I tried dating, I wasn’t being very open-minded. I found something wrong with each of them and pushed almost all of them away. Now, I see how it was more my stuff and nothing they had done wrong. The guys I did choose were the ones who weren’t really interested and I was chasing them. Now I see how a guy acts when he’s into me. He texts me. He lets me know he’s interested. I’m not left wondering where I stand. There’s a mutual affinity and reassurance. I’ve also learned that if you like someone, act on it, make the effort, meet them if you can. Life is very beautiful when you let it unfold naturally. There’s still no guarantee, but at least you won’t look back and wonder what if?

For me, it’s about taking down the walls I’ve built around me. While it’s great to have options, if it doesn’t work out, you can move onto the next one, but having too many options makes people feel disposable. That’s why it’s a good idea to spend time on your profile, so it represents who you are as a person. Of course, some of them don’t even read what you write. Case in point: it’s written very clearly that I’m allergic to cats and dogs. I still get messages from men who have pets in their profile picture! Being in my forties, I’m in this age range where many of the men are divorced with kids, which is perfectly fine. I somehow skipped all that. I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 31, it’s taken me a long time to get back on the scene. I don’t regret it. The scene doesn’t change, it’s the same game, different year. The more I think about, the more sympathy I have for men. But not too much, some of them are real crafty, you gotta be able to hold your own. I’ve also had to block some of them that won’t stop sending me messages. When you meet someone you like, it makes the struggle worth it. The good connections just click.

When a person goes through something as scary as cancer, it changes their perspective. God saved me for a reason: to give back to others, to learn how to give to myself, to be even one-tenth as loving as He is. I don’t know why exactly. I still grapple with forgiveness and acceptance. I still get upset that my life changed. Even though it’s given me the gift of writing. Even though my faith has become something that guides me every day. Even though I’ve learned how to be alone and like it. God gives each of us unique gifts, it’s important to make good use of them. Discovering our purpose in life is something to be grateful for, it isn’t something to squander. This time, I’m praying on it, I’m asking God, “Is this the man you have for me and is it safe to develop feelings for him?” I’ve also learned not to get super excited about someone because it can just fizzle out. I’m proud of myself for taking this small step into the dating world. I have to continue to be brave and vulnerable.

Sometimes, it takes life coming to a screeching halt or hitting rock bottom before we can see clearly what’s important. In the long run, I’m looking for someone who wants to grow and evolve together. For now, I’m going to go with the flow and make good decisions. I’m steering clear of drama. I’m not rescuing birds with broken wings. And when I see a bunch of red flags, I’m not going to turn colorblind and think he’s a prize lol. Love is a two-way street. Someone had this written on their profile, “You shouldn’t have to make it work.” That’s true. There’s a big difference between effort and force. The door doesn’t open for a reason. I’m done knocking like an idiot on the wrong doors. I’m too old to be making the same mistakes. The whole point of a dating site is to help everyone find their person, it’s not about being the right person for everyone. It’s also good to look at what they write for religion, politics, and having children. Sometimes, we overlook those things in the beginning, but as time goes on being in agreement will be very important.

And if case you thought Covid-19 would stop them from trying, guess again. I’ve gotten several messages like, “Been in quarantine for 14 days, no symptoms, want to hook up?” How do they know I don’t have symptoms? I guess they’re willing to take the chance. In trying to understand how men think, one of my guy friends told me that some men have a cassette tape in their brain that’s on repeat, “Just get laid, just get laid.” I guess I’ve quieted that tape over the years, but now the volume is turned back up. Making love is a beautiful thing, it’s not something I should deny myself. I remember what it feels like and I was worried for nothing. How silly to deny myself that experience. It’s taken me a long time to even want to be with someone. I cried one night, it was partly my fault. I want them to want me and see me as desirable, so I shouldn’t punish them for when they come onto me. That isn’t fair to them. Especially if they’re being kind and respectful or even if they’re being naughty. It’s something I’m working on, feeling normal, pretty, sexy again. I have to go through what I’m feeling, I can’t bypass my feelings. There should be stuff coming up for me, it means I’m making progress.

I thought of a good question, “What are the things I’m doing or thinking that prevent me from getting the love I need?” I focus on work instead of play. I’m afraid to take chances. I don’t feel good enough or worthy of love. I compare myself to other women. I’m used to being alone. I’m set in my ways. I have a fear of rejection. I feel different now, it’s just easier to be alone. I worry they won’t like me. I’m too quiet. I’m too weird. I’ll say something wrong and embarrass myself. I won’t be in control and that feels scary. I won’t be pretty enough and they’ll flirt with other women. They’ll laugh at me. They won’t understand me. I push away the right guys and entertain the wrong ones. I’m too thin. I’m too smart. I’m too strong. I’m alway too something. They won’t respect my normal, functional boundaries. They won’t give me their undivided attention. I’m going to be disappointed anyway so why bother? I’ve forgotten how to let my guard down and just be a woman who has needs.

Wow, that’s a lot of stuff interfering with your love life. It was just a brainstorm. Those thoughts have crossed my mind in the past. You’ve come a long way. I know. I wasn’t going to share this, but it’s a victory. A breakthrough, literally, which is inspiring to others. I’m thankful to have met someone who likes me and I felt comfortable to open up in that way. I was finally ready to be intimate even though I picked a weird time. We’re in the middle of a pandemic. I put myself at risk of getting the coronavirus. So far so good, no symptoms. I feel like God brought us together and allowed us to share that experience. Two givers who deserve so much love and affection. After all this time, I’m no longer celibate. I feel more like myself again. I’m glad everything is okay. I worried for so long that their pogo stick wouldn’t go in there and I would disappoint them, that wasn’t the case at all. It was amazing. Men learn how to open up from women because we do this naturally. Society allows women to cry and show emotion. Men are in desperate need of this space, they just go about getting it the wrong way. Maybe physical touch is how they show you how much they like you? Yeah, maybe it’s me who doesn’t understand! Even though they act like clumsy cavemen sometimes, they can be very loving, charming, and adorable.

Take care,

Julie

March 2020

I haven’t blogged in a year. The last post was April of 2019. I don’t know what’s going to happen with our world. I don’t know if this is the end or everything will be okay someday. I’ve heard it will get worse before it gets better. It certainly seems to be doing that. The numbers in Ohio and the other states continue to rise each day. I’ve never experienced something like this before. I guess it’s like a rumor or when you wash a red sock with a white shirt. I don’t have the answers. I’m safe in my apartment, so I shouldn’t complain. I can offer inspiration which sounds silly in the grand scheme of things, but it’s our hope and faith that gets us through the hard times. I know that for a fact. Think about it and then don’t think about it. It’s okay to make jokes to ease the seriousness or the absurdity. We’re still in shock that our lives have changed so drastically in the last two weeks. So when I say it’s scary and depressing, it is.

I just saw something that gave me a glimmer of hope for China. From the New York Times: “For the first time since the crisis began, China reported no new local infections for the previous 24 hours. Experts have said at least 14 straight days without new infections are needed for the outbreak to be considered over.”

To leave the apartment yesterday, I had to tell my mind everything was fine, it’s just an ordinary day. Not much harm was going to come from taking a walk, but the threat is real. No one wants a viral pneumonia and those who already have health issues can die from it. I ran into my mom’s friend who lives in the neighborhood behind me. We stayed on separate sides of the street while we talked briefly. We were taking precaution. Who knows if one of us is carrying it? I’m good at worrying, this gives my anxiety something to do. I’m already hypervigilant, this is right up my alley. I’m a pro at self-isolating, this is normal for me. But who wants to have or be any of those things? It’s a wake-up call for me. It reminds me of a winter about five years ago when I had a phobia of salt, the stuff they use to de-ice the roads. I didn’t leave my apartment for two weeks because I couldn’t step on it. I had to wait for it to rain. What’s the rain going to be this time? I can create a new practice of acceptance and peace of mind. Embrace the fear, work with it, move through it. Understand what it has to say. I can make things that give me hope and strength.

Fear is usually wrong, in its effort to protect us, sometimes it overshoots the mark. I’ve heard this is another thing the government is using to scare us, similar to when we were supposed to be scared of Osama bin Laden. I rarely listen to the news and for the few minutes that I did, it reminded me of when another president talked about a scary foreign threat we were fighting against. I think the real threat is our greed and lack of humanity. The world is crumbling around us because all we care about is our self-interest. I’m not saying it’s wrong to want to protect ourselves. It’s scary to think of how panicked we’ve become and how it turns us against each other. Instead of sharing, which is what we’re taught in kindergarten, we’re hoarding. I’m not pointing fingers at anyone. It’s a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I have a feeling many of us could develop PTSD from this which would be another awful side effect. And we’re being forced to be separate from each other when our strength comes from our togetherness.

I think our governor, Mike DeWine, has done an amazing job. He started cancelling things when he saw what was happening in the other states and countries. He was listening to advice from health officials. He’s 73, I think by the time you’re 73, you’re pretty wise. I dislike uncertainty and lack of control over a situation so this is another lesson for me. Thank God we still have technology so we can work online and talk to our loved ones on the phone. I just had a virtual meeting with my cancer survivor support group on Zoom. There were six of us. It was great to see them, hear their thoughts, voice my concerns and get feedback. I was a little nervous on the video call. I’m not used to doing them, but I’m glad I did. Feeling connected to my friends is important. Even though things are bad right now, they had a positive attitude and put things in perspective. They were realistic in their advice and didn’t sugarcoat anything.

This coronavirus is forcing us to go inward, to ask ourselves what we really need. Most of the time we keep ourselves very busy. That’s what America is known for – progress and patriotism. I’m against war and killing innocent people. I realize peace will get you killed, but I’d rather die in truth than stand on the wrong side. We need to get our heads on straight and start caring about each other. The earth is fighting back because it’s being mistreated, it sees our insanity. When distractions are taken away from us, we hear the truth, the pain, the feelings. We prefer to tune them out or numb out. For the most part that’s okay, the mind has to take breaks and rest. There are many, many angels who spend their nights and days saving people. For the rest of us, we can embrace kindness and compassion. We can listen more to our spirit and less to our ego. I’m glad this website is still up and running so I can speak my mind even if it’s a bunch of New Age nonsense. I wrote a love poem last month that I’ve been revising, hopefully, I’ll share it soon. All of these Hallmark movies are teaching me that love is real and worth fighting for.

I went on a dating site today for about five minutes. I looked around. I didn’t pay my money and shut it down. I guess I’m still not ready for that. I’ve been putting it off for so long that I finally thought, what the hell? I don’t think it was the right site. I saw a lot of guys who weren’t my type. I might be too vulnerable to talk with someone new that’s why I have to be careful who I choose. I guess if I’m quarantined for long enough, I’ll try a different site and give it a chance. I know there are nice guys out there who might be feeling the same way I do. I felt like writing this blog was more important or that I would get more out of it. Maybe it’s easier to be in my thoughts right now. I’ve created rules for the next time. #1 Instead of feeling overwhelmed, enjoy the attention. #2 Only message them back if I’m interested. #3 Putting myself out there is the first step towards friendship and intimacy. #4 The dating world has changed, more than likely, we’ll be pen pals for awhile. #5 Stay open to possibility and trust my intuition. #6 Stay strong and independent. #7 Have fun!

I think our nation has been sick for awhile. There will be a massive healing if we start acting from a place of love instead of fear. It’s going to take time. I had a bad feeling when I first heard about the virus. I felt silly when I shared my initial reaction. Being empathetic to the suffering of others is paramount right now. It should be paramount every day. We have homeless people that we walk by every day, and yet we do nothing. We don’t do enough to help the people who need our help. The coronavirus is a symptom of a much larger problem, our inability to open our hearts and help the sick. So, I pledge to open my heart. I pledge to heal what is sick inside of me. I guess the weak are always threatened. Now, it’s the elderly and those with existing health problems. How do we help them now? We do what we can, we do more than we can. We help others who can, we pray to God who can. Thank you for listening.

Julie

April – CancerCon 2019

Last month, my friend Kathy and I flew to Denver, Colorado to attend a four-day conference called Cancercon. Founded by the organization Stupid Cancer, CancerCon brings young adult survivors together to experience healing, connection, and community. Even though it was my second time, I learned new things and left feeling inspired. For that weekend, you actually feel lucky to be a survivor. Even though this terrible thing happened or is happening to us, we gain strength from each other. Being motivated to fight and live and love, there’s nothing more important than that. I also gain strength from my family, nature, music, faith, and creative hobbies. I still have dark days where I’m being too hard on myself which is why it’s important to attend meetings and conferences. It’s like a big support group or celebration – a way to honor what we have gone through. Being surrounded by people who have been through it and understand is a very normalizing experience.

In some ways, I’ve been an inspiration to Kathy. I was surprised when she said she would go to the conference with me. I’m very proud of her for going and hope she found inspiration, too. It was great to have a roommate, I actually made it to everything on time this year. Well, almost everything, I was late to the dance. Next year, I want to wear a sexy dress or fun outfit to the dance. I’m trying to get my sexy back lol. It’s funny, I just read an article in Health magazine, it was an interview with Shannen Doherty. She went through a similar breast cancer experience. She said getting cancer changed her idea about it. Now, she thinks sexy is strength, compassion, and grace. I love that! It’s true. I often doubt my beauty and forget that my strength makes me more beautiful. I have to be me. There’s a reason I’m me and not someone else – only I can live this life, only I was given these gifts. To want to be like someone else is normal. Something I heard at Crossroads church, “Everyone reflects an aspect of God.” That made me feel happy. It made me feel like who I am is good enough.

The conference schedule is filled with a lot of activities. My favorites were the speakers, workshops, scavenger hunt, dance party, and day trip to Boulder. There were breakout sessions which focus on various cancer related topics. There were art, exercise, and meditation classes. Bowling, paint nite, and the escape room were optional activities with an additional fee. Next year, the conference will be held in Seattle. Although I love Denver, the change of location is a good thing. I hope there will be a musical guest next year. I also missed my friends: Rachael, Lauren, and Peter. They weren’t able to go this year. Survivors are the strongest people I’ve ever met. Let’s see, your life changes in an instant. You endure painful treatments which can leave you with chronic side effects. You see the world differently. You aren’t the person you used to be. I hear ya. Tell me about who you are now. Tell me about who you want to become. It’s a difficult weekend emotionally because everything gets stirred up. It’s interesting to see what’s still simmering inside. You can share during the classes. There are free counseling sessions. I went to one counseling session and found it to be very beneficial.

I went to an Artful Healing class thinking I’d just make a pretty picture. I haven’t made any artwork lately since I’ve been focused on writing. The second picture we did, I started crying. My attempt to hold it all together and be strong was no match for the paint. There’s something about making art which gets you out of your head and into your body. As the tears rolled down my face, I had to remind myself that it’s okay to cry, I’m in a safe place. I had forgotten how quickly art making reveals the truth – that I’m a cry baby. No, I’m a deeply feeling person who has been through a lot. As I looked at my finished painting, I wasn’t happy to see the red square. I wanted it to represent love or passion, but I knew it was my anger about getting cancer and having my life changed. The pain was staring at me, it was hard to look at. I usually keep the pain hidden, it was there for everyone to see. Although I’m better at writing than painting, I feel inspired to make art again. I like watercolor, collage, or acrylics. I want to make happy, abstract, inspirational art. I’m going to add it to my list of hobbies: juicing, art making, indoor soccer. I keep talking about all the stuff I’m going to do, I need to start doing them!

One of my favorite things in Denver is this painting of a young girl. She has so much strength in her eyes. She wears a crown and war paint. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks about her. She’s kind and generous, wise beyond her years. Sometimes, I can’t get past my past. I carry it around like baggage that weighs me down preventing me from moving forward. I need to get better at making decisions and taking action, not in an aggressive way. The things we need come to us without a lot of force, it’s when we’re trying to take what isn’t ours that we run into trouble. We discover our strength when we test it. We have to push ourselves to do things outside of our comfort zone. The strongest thing we can do is let other people help us. I know everyone is waiting for me to join a dating site. I’m waiting for me to join a dating site lol. I haven’t been seeing anyone. I know that’s hard to believe. Before cancer, I always had a boyfriend. I miss the conversation, that’s what I miss, and a few other things. Getting a guy is not the answer, it’s not going to make everything better, it’s just one piece of the puzzle. I do feel like there’s something missing from my life and that could be it.

I don’t feel like I have a right to be depressed because God has blessed me with so much. It’s making me happy to write this blog post. I like to accomplish things. I know the sadness will shift, it always does. I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself, and yet, I have to push myself to get things done. There are people who have a full-time job, kids, and still find time to date. I have so many excuses but none of them get me what I want. My ten year cancerversary is in June, it’s bringing up some emotions. I talked to my brother recently. I enjoyed seeing him and my nieces through FaceTime. He had a good idea, I could go to the doctor for a check-up to ease my mind about a recurrence. I’ll think about it. Can dating be a hobby? Fill up the bench with a new roster lol. I make jokes about it but I’m going to be sincere. I have a different mindset. Although, I’m not budging on the music. If they don’t know who The Cure is or other relevant, iconic bands, that’s a deal breaker. My dating record has been terrible. I met ten guys, pushed most of them away and then took a year off. No wonder I’m lonely again. I’m looking forward to the day when I let someone hold me, that will be nice.

Seeing the rainbow on the flight home reminded me that there is so much beauty after a storm if only we allow ourselves to see it. As survivors, we often remain victims and stay stuck in a story that no longer serves us. What if we were to become warriors, rise above the things that hold us back, move forward in our lives and create a new story? I think that would be awesome, it’s what I’m trying to do. Progress doesn’t happen overnight nor does it happen without going through the hard stuff. Healing is a continual process. How do you know things are getting better? You get to the point where there is more joy and less pain. You also have to let go of the things that are causing you pain. Of course, there will be setbacks that make you wonder if you’ve made any progress. Sometimes, I get in my own way through self-doubt or self-sabotage. It’s usually when I’ve neglected my self-love and self-care practices. Affirmations are so important. The moment I let my negative voice/inner critic start talking and running the show, I’m done for, it’s like a downward spiral and it takes awhile for me to get back on track.

My mom tells me not to share so much personal stuff. She means well. If my journey is going to be of benefit to others, I have to be honest. That way when I do make progress – it’s real and inspiring. It feels better to tell the truth even if it is embarrassing. I’m going to continue to fight for my happiness and peace of mind. I’ll let everyone know when I start dating because that will be good for me and provide some interesting material for the blog. I had fun at the conference. I took notes during the speaker presentations, these were my favorite ideas: “Cancer was one piece of the puzzle, it doesn’t have to be my whole identity. We need the dark and light pieces to form the puzzle. Meaning emerges as you put the pieces together. When you know your why, your what has more impact. Whatever your purpose, do it with passion. Many survivors become scared to live and they keep the brake on. Cherish the people who really matter to you. Let go of what’s holding you back. Be adventurous. Give back to the community. Zoom in and out of the cancer world. Make sure the pity party stops. Practice relentless forgiveness. Hope isn’t contingent, it’s always there. Live in the now!”

Take care and be well,

Julie

February + March

I’m going to try to keep this post short and sweet like the month of February. I have a tendency to rattle on and on. While it makes for good reading, I’m not going to leave my heart on the page again. Vulnerability is not a weakness, it’s one of your greatest strengths. The most courageous thing you can do is open up your heart. I know that. My mom showed me a poem that said, “Love is forgiving and for giving.” That’s a nice thoughtGrudges are heavy things to carry. Yes, they are. If I could take back the years I spent being angry at my dad for being an alcoholic, I would, but we’re not talking about that now. Julie. What? You have to bet on yourself. You have to choose yourself. You also have to give people chances. I know that now. It’s taken me a long time to get my life back on track and feel normal again. It takes what it takes. I feel like I’ve turned into a goal achieving machine and while there’s nothing wrong with that, I need more balance in my life. Balance is good. The word for February was not discover, it was more like sleep. Besides work, I feel like that’s all I did. I’m not a fan of cold weather, so it’s harder for me to get motivated in the winter. You just need to gain some momentum. I guess so.

I was a bit vague with my goals last month which is okay. When you have as many ideas as I have, it takes awhile to sort them out. You’ll get them sorted out. Maybe I’m resting up because there are so many things I want to accomplish. No, you’re just stalling. That’s one way of looking at it. I’m going to join a dating site. You’ve been saying that for several months now. Well, you can’t rush the princess lol. I do things in my own time. You sure do. Ugh. When I get back from Denver, I’m going to create my profile. I know that’s the next step. Your friends want you to be happy. Don’t you want to be happy? Yes, I think so. I put a lot of pressure on myself which sometimes backfires. You’re afraid to put yourself back out there. It’s scary out there. You’ll be okay. I hope so. I was wondering how I could possibly top last year. It’s not about topping last year, it’s about doing the things that bring you joy. I enjoy going to music concerts and soccer games. I’m going to Utah in June for my niece’s birthday. Yeah! I’m applying to go on a survivor trip. Yeah! I want to get a tattoo to mark my ten year cancerversary. Ouch! It’s important to celebrate special milestones. Yes, it is. 

Image result for green juice

The challenge I’m going to give myself this year is to start juicing two to three times a week. I want to wake up excited about my day, excited to get out of bed, looking forward to something. I want to feel better. I bought a Breville juicer at Bed Bath and Beyond. It’s the same one my brother, mom, and me were using when my dad was in hospice. We were making them for him. The first green juice I’m going to make is a Kris Carr recipe. She’s a cancer survivor who writes books about health and healing. It’s only five ingredients: cucumber, celery, spinach, green apple, and pear. I’m going to alternate the spinach with kale or romaine. Most of my shifts are in the evening, so I don’t have an excuse. I feel like it’s God’s way of saying, you have time to do this, it’s the next step in your healing process. There’s a part of me that worries about having a recurrence. I’ve been feeling more fatigue than I usually do and it’s concerning to me. I haven’t been getting enough exercise that’s probably the explanation. I’m going to start taking my walks again and see if that makes a difference. I also want to get a blender to make smoothies this summer by then I’ll be wanting something frozen and fruity.

My goal is to stop drinking soda and reduce the amount of sugar and processed foods. My health needs to be my number one focus. I’ve been lucky these last ten years but luck runs out. I have to create an alkaline environment where the cancer can’t grow. I need to stop eating foods which create inflammation because they worsen my fatigue, neuropathy, and depression. While I do eat a lot of healthy foods, I also eat a lot of unhealthy stuff, so it’s a matter of phasing those out. I have to want to live. Every choice I make either moves me toward health or toward disease. I’ve been learning a lot about nutrition over the years. Nature is our pharmacy. My culinary skills are limited and I don’t have a lot of patience, so I need to start with simple recipes. I always feel like recipes are written in Greek lol. It might benefit me to take a few cooking classes. Julie. What? Let yourself live. Do your best, but let yourself live, for the love of God and everyone around you. You’re a riot, Sunny. I’ll do my best.

This month, I celebrated my 41st birthday with my family and friends. I’m still dealing with the fact that I turned 40 last year lol. We went to the Funny Bone comedy club at the Liberty Center. That’s my friend Kathy in the picture with me. Kathy is in my support group. She’s a two-time cancer survivor! She’s an inspiration to me. The comedian’s name was Michael Yo. I enjoyed his show. He did some music jokes that were really funny. It felt good to laugh, it always feels good to laugh. I’m counting the comedy club as my “out of my comfort zone” activity for February because I had never been there before and going to new places can cause me some anxiety. For my March activity, I went to Madea’s Farewell Play Tour in Columbus with my mom. We had a good time. Madea and the entire cast are hilarious. Tyler Perry always shares a positive message. For my April activity, I’m going to a Sunday service at Crossroads Church in Mason. I have a feeling I’ll like it because connecting to faith is important to me. Over the years, my faith has become a source of strength and encouragement.

They say the purpose of life is to find your gift and then give it away. Is writing my gift? I don’t know. I’m not writing anything other than the blog. I have a few stories started that need revision. It’s a lot to commit to writing another book which is probably why I’m content to blog. The goals that are meant for us will find us regardless of how many times we push them away. Maybe we have more than one gift? Probably. Just being alive is a gift and that’s what I keep forgetting. The sunsets, sunrises, laughter and tears, it’s all beautiful and worthwhile. Was getting cancer a gift? No. Did anything good come from it? Yes. I have a tribe now. I still don’t think I comprehend it fully, the magnitude of it all. Does it make me more special or more isolated and troubled? I’m all too quick to minimize my progress. As long as I’m gaining strength from my survivor identity then it’s okay. I need to be a warrior not a worrier. Even though I sometimes wish I were the old me, the new me is just as cool. To go through all of that gives me a vision for my life I probably wouldn’t have had otherwise.

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When I was going through treatment, all I wanted to do was read chick lit books because they transported me to a happier place. I was going to try to write a whole post without mentioning cancer. Ugh. Now I’ve thought of a story to tell. Back when my mom and I were walking at Forest Fair Mall (that’s what I’ll always call it even though it has a new name) because I was trying to regain my strength, there was picture of a tiger in one of those directory things. I don’t remember what it was an advertisement for but it said something about giving a voice to the voiceless. And I thought to myself, if I ever get my strength back that’s what I’m going to do, that’s why this happened, so I would use my voice for positive things. Even though getting cancer can leave us feeling powerless, it gives us a special power we need to use for good. How can I be a source of inspiration if I’m not living a life that is inspiring to me? It’s easy for me to make positive changes. How can I keep doing brave things even when I’m scared? I have faith in myself and my abilities. What makes it all worthwhile? The connection is the prize.

Take care and be well,

Julie

January

Did you contact the guy? No, I didn’t. How come? I don’t know. I was waiting for the right time and now it’s too late. How so? He has a girlfriend. Ouch! You’re telling me. I shouldn’t have been surprised he met someone else. Life moves on. I told him I just wanted to be friends and pushed him away. What can you learn from this? Don’t push people away. I thought I was doing the right thing. You were. I could’ve gotten hurt worse if we had gotten together. That’s possible. There isn’t a right time, things are never perfect. No one expects you to be perfect. Perfection is boring. You just have to be yourself. I was trained to encourage people to feel their feelings. And what did I do? I suppressed mine. I’m not proud of that. I’m upset with myself and jealous of her. Why? She gets to be with him. How did you find out? I saw a picture of them and it tore my heart to pieces. You must’ve really liked him. Yes, I did. Somehow he got to me. I liked that he was loud. My ex-boyfriend was really quiet. I didn’t want to change him. Why does this keep happening? You’ve gotten used to being alone and focused on yourself. You have so many walls up even a rock climber would grow weary. Very funny. It’ll get easier. I hope so.

I feel like an idiot for thinking things were going to work out between us when neither of us were even trying. What kind of fairytale world do I live in? Don’t be too hard on yourself. Too late. I used to be more bold. I used to go after what I wanted. And now? I need something to ease the pain lol. I’m ready to create my dating profile. That has always been the next step. I know. I wasn’t going to write about this. I’m glad you did. Me too. It’s better to be honest. I had the blog done, it was going to be a normal post. We weren’t going to have a conversation even though they liked our witty banter. You needed to process this. Yeah. I met several guys who wanted to be with me and I kept chasing the one guy who didn’t. He did want to be with you. He was playing games. Your intuition is very accurate. Julie. What? Don’t take it personally. That’s easier said than done. He didn’t reject you, he got lonely, he took a different path. Try to wish him well. I do. I wish him well. Sometimes you have to lose focus to gain clarity. Maybe your paths will cross again someday? Maybe they will and I’ll say, “It took too long.” He’ll smile and say, “The best things always do.” That’s a nice ending. Thanks. I like stories with happy endings.

I’m skipping the December post, it’s my blog I can do whatever I want with it. Last year had its ups and downs, I don’t feel like rehashing them now. Overall, it was a good year, I did a lot of fun things. I’m excited about 2019. I have family and friends who care about me. I feel very blessed. They are rooting for me. I decided to choose a few words as inspiration for this year: health, adventure, connection, self-love, optimism, and trust. My friend, Jenny, gave me a challenge to do something every month that’s outside of my comfort zone. I still haven’t met my friend Christen’s challenge to go out with 15 guys. I made it to 10 and then took a break. Rather than make resolutions, I’ve made a list of things to do. Some of these things I’ve done before, some of them I might never do. I was brainstorming. I need to do things that are going to make me feel better. Sometimes the small changes make the most impact on our health and happiness. I realized something important recently. There’s a difference between not taking a risk because it’s not a good risk and being stopped by fear or self-doubt. We always know the difference deep down. It’s one thing to take a chance and it doesn’t work out, it’s another to be left wondering, what if I had been braver? So here’s to living this year with positive intentions and courageous actions!

My list of ideas: join an indoor soccer team, take a cooking class, buy a television, go to a music concert, take a yoga class, get a tattoo, go to a fcc soccer game, go on a survivor trip, join a dating site, go to the fitness center do cardio and strength training, buy a juicer and a blender, read more books, practice my affirmations, make artwork, go to crossroads church, get a massage, make a vision board, go to a comedy club, start seeing my therapist again, attend a writer’s retreat, teach an art therapy workshop for cancer survivors.

Sharing my list makes me more accountable, which is a good thing, but trying to do all of them feels overwhelming. This will be my list for the entire year. I feel like I’m so far behind. I’m always playing catch up. I wish I were further along: more healed, more whole, more loving, more giving, more fun, more like I used to be, but I’m not. I refuse to get down on myself for not being someone else. I can only be me and then strive to be better. I’m trying to be more optimistic. I go through phases of being motivated and unmotivated. I’m surprised at how much anger and resentment I still have about getting cancer and how it’s changed my life. I need to do more healing work around forgiveness and have more compassion for myself, not in a victim sort of way, in a solution-focused way. I need to stop overthinking and sabotaging things. I deserve to be happy, too. Life is messy, and if it isn’t then we’re not living it right. I’m the one who needs to learn how to love. I’m the one who needs to lighten up. I have so much to share. I’m the prize. They should be chasing me, and I have to let myself get caught. Everyone is unique that’s the beauty of life. When we are being ourselves, that is when we are the most radiant and powerful.

I’m such a strong person. The things I’ve been through have given me an interesting perspective, yet I often doubt my wisdom. I doubt all of the things I should believe. Most days, I feel confident like I’m on the right path. My faith is strong. I’m doing the right thing. That isn’t to say I don’t want to veer off the path or take detours or wrong turns. I just know where they lead – to a dead end. I don’t want a quick fix. I don’t want to lose the things that mean the most to me. It’s okay to slow down and just be, instead of this constant state of motion which allows me to avoid facing my feelings. I need to push myself and make the most of each day. I think it’s about following my excitement, what makes me most excited? Right now, I’m excited about going to CancerCon in Denver in April with my friends Kathy, Rachael, and Jenny. I’ve been busy making plans for that. I’m excited about joining a dating site. It’s taken me a long time to feel like putting myself out there again. I need some new stories for my blog lol. How did I become such a hopeless romantic? It might have something to do with one of my babysitters, instead of watching cartoons, I remember sitting in front of the TV watching soap operas. No wonder I was kissing boys on the playground in elementary school lol.

I’m still working at the library. I work 19 hours a week. I have four 4 hour shifts and one 3 hour shift. I’m there five days a week. I like my coworkers, the environment, shelving books, and helping people. Most of my shifts are in the evening, so I have to make good use of my mornings and afternoons. It’s a busy library. There are always books to shelve and things to do. Having a routine is good for me, it gives me structure and purpose. It gets me out of the house. I feel comfortable being there. I’ve made several new friends. I’m glad it’s close to where I live since the weather has been bad. One weekend, we got ten inches of snow. Luckily, my brother bought me a heavy duty snow scraper for my birthday last year, it helped immensely to remove the snow from my car. Every once in a while I hear a song that catches my attention. I heard it on the plane ride home from Utah. I watched a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory and Being Serena which is about Serena Williams the tennis player. There was a pretty song playing at her wedding reception called, “May I Have This Dance” by Francis and the Lights. I didn’t know who it was, it kinda sounded like Peter Gabriel. If anyone is looking for a wedding reception song that one is perfect.

I think what scares me the most about dating is that I’ll have to open up and be vulnerable which sounds funny because I share way too much on this blog. Maybe it’s easier to be honest to a silent audience? Words are only words, there is so much more to intimacy. I don’t want to lose myself. Although, there’s a Depeche Mode lyric, “It’s only when I lose myself in someone else that I find myself.” That’s an interesting idea. I want someone in my life, besides my family and friends, who motivates and encourages me. Maybe I want too much? I’ll figure it out as I go along. I’m worrying about things before they happen. Just like with writing my blog, I don’t know exactly what I’m going to say or how it’s going to turn out. Of course, I think it over in my head for awhile before I start typing it. I like having the odds in my favor lol. I write bits and pieces of it on paper or in Notes on my phone. I get inspiration at various times usually when I first wake up. Once I get over the initial hurtle of beginning the post, the words are more than ready and then it’s just a matter of revision. I’m going to continue blogging this year because it’s therapeutic for me. I have to let each post stand on its own for how I was feeling at the time and then move on with my life.

I want to be with a guy who makes me feel calm and loved. That’s all I ever wanted and some hot sex lol. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who understands my need for space and solitude. Someone who has patience. Someone who inspires me. Someone who likes my family and friends. Someone who has their own ideas and passions. Someone who can hold me. Someone who can help me with things. I think that’s why God keeps me single because I wouldn’t get my work done, I’d lose my focus. Other times, I think it’s because I wasn’t ready and He was sparing me the hurt. It’s funny, I’m completely happy being alone. I’ve learned a lot about myself, things you can’t learn when you’re in a relationship. I also know there are things I’m missing out on by not having a romantic partner. I have to decide that my fantasies are not enough and instead create a real connection. I have to stop pushing the nice guys away. I need to trust myself more. I want to feel safe enough to let the guy into my world because he’s shown me in his actions that he’s trustworthy. I want to be with a guy who really likes me and chooses me over all of the other girls because that’s really something. And I would choose him, too, in a heartbeat because these moments slip away. I think love is more of a recognition or an awareness. When we have it for ourselves, we can give it to others. We can exist and co-exist. Love is often hidden and sometimes hard to find, yet it’s what we need to survive.

Take care and be well,

Julie

November

He’s no better than the rest of them. He’s a redneck just like the rest of ’em! Sounds like you’re more upset you fell for him. No, I’m just stating the facts. And where are you from Julie? Hamilton. Which means you’re cut from the same cloth. Yes, it does. I’m proud of where I’m from. I was taught to work hard and believe in God. If he wants you in his life, he’ll put you there. If he doesn’t, you’ll meet someone who does. Either way, it’ll be for the best. I know that. Sharing the same taste in music is not enough to build a relationship on. Now you sound like my mom. Your mom is trying to protect you. When your heart gets broken, she’s the one who has to pick up the pieces. Maybe that’s why I don’t even bother, I’d rather keep my heart in one piece. What fun is that? So you want me to let him turn my world upside down again? Sometimes you need your world turned upside down, it allows you to see things from a different perspective. I know what you mean. He’s messy and reckless. I’m neat and careful. We’re opposites. He’s loud and I’m quiet. We would drive each other crazy. That would be fun to watch. I bet it would be. You could contact him. I might. I miss talking to him and wonder how he’s doing. If you feel overwhelmed, tell him instead of running away. Okay. Have you created your dating profile yet? No, I’ve been busy. I’m going to Utah for Christmas. It’s on my to-do list.

Dating should be fun, keep that in mind. One of the guys didn’t know who The Cure was. Are you serious? Don’t be funny. Now you sound like me. They’re not an obscure band. They have a distinct sound. He was around my age, so it wasn’t a generational thing. Not everyone is into music like you are. I guess not. It was after the hike, we were sitting in Panera eating salads, one of their songs came on the speakers. I said, “I like this band. Do you know who this is?” He got a little fussy and said, “No, I don’t. Do you have all that stored in your head somewhere?” I told him who it was and the singer’s name. I should’ve said, “Yes, in fact I do, most people do. Even my mom has songs stored in her head.” Maybe I shouldn’t have been asking my dates questions like that. He was probably worried it would disqualify him. Probably. Did it? Yes and no. It was a combination of things. He lived too far away. He was shorter than me. That shouldn’t be a deal breaker. I know. My mom thought he looked taller than me in the picture. I told her he must’ve been standing on a rock. You’re terrible. I know. Lol. It’s the darkness. The poison they gave me, it wasn’t just physically toxic, it was mentally and spiritually toxic. It killed my peace of mind, my faith, that’s why I work so hard to get it back. I don’t want to be a sarcastic bitch all of the time. You aren’t. That’s good to know.

I was just thinking about that and wondering what people think about me talking to you. You can’t let the opinion of others become a louder voice than your own. You already have an obnoxious inner critic. They think you have an active imagination or an imaginary friend. That’s what my mom and I decided to call you because it sounds harmless like what little kids have because they’re allowed to believe in magic. At work, I shelve several different juvenile paperback series that have magic in the title: Rainbow Magic, Magic Tree House, Magic Animal Friends. I guess in a way writing is magic. Sometimes, I make it up, sleight of hand, to put on a show. Other times, it’s like automatic writing or clairaudience which means “clear hearing.” There are several types of clairvoyance and that is one of them. Like musicians receive melodies and lyrics, you receive internal guidance or spirit messages. I just skim the surface. Life is spooky enough. I don’t go out of my way to develop it. I like learning about spirituality and personal growth. I have that stuff stored in my head too, so it’s not surprising my spirit guide sounds like a therapist. Other times, I’m annoyed at myself and the way my mind works, it’s nice to get a break from it. You don’t have to work all the time, you choose to work all the time. I don’t even work that much. See there you go again. Take credit for something. Take a compliment. You’ve been through a lot. 

If my spirit guide weren’t ethereal, made of light and love, I wouldn’t have anything to do with him. He came to me after I finished treatment because I was experiencing some intense physical pain and fatigue. When I got my physical strength back, I started having panic attacks and stopped driving for a whole year. I think back to that time and wonder how I made it through. My body needed time to heal on its own. I didn’t need any more help from the doctors. They had caused me enough pain. I was the only one who could pull myself out of it. Sunny helped me to hang on. He didn’t fix it or make it better. They can’t do that for us. They can’t do our work for us. They can only guide us in the right direction. Every time I felt like I wouldn’t make it through another day, I was given a sign that things would get better. I don’t like to talk about it. It’s been almost ten years and, even in my support group, I still have trouble talking about it. My survivor meeting is once a month. I’m able to reaffirm my commitment to my health and support other survivors. Since I’m so far out from treatment, rather than sharing my story over and over again, I’m focusing on what is holding me back now, the things I’m still struggling with. Maybe the poison saved your life? Maybe it did. I’m realizing after spending time with my nieces, kids are a handful and being a parent isn’t easy. They also bring us happiness. You take the good with the bad. At the end of the day, the good outweighs the bad.

Maybe I was hallucinating that day. Maybe the treatment damaged a tiny part of my brain and gave me this clarity, this creativity. You’ve always had it. Most of the time, I shy away from it. I take the easy way out and stop listening. Everyone does. Only my mom knows how bad things were and how it took a long time to come back. I don’t blame myself anymore. I don’t see it as a loss or a sacrifice. It just doesn’t matter. At some point you stop picking the old wound and let it heal. I have to keep getting out of bed and continue to live regardless of what happened. There’s a Hemingway quote, “The world breaks everyone, and afterwards, many are strong at the broken places.” Some days, I’m lazy and slow. I need to push myself more. You’re being too judgmental. Everyone should move at their own pace instead of being rushed. I think that’s part of what happened. Everyone needed me to be the old Julie, which makes perfect sense, I would’ve avoided many years of hell, but I couldn’t find her and that’s okay. Trauma changes people. When you’re given the label of survivor, it’s something to be proud of. It took me a long time to realize that. All the work I’ve done, I won’t throw it away. I’m closer to being that brave person who does the things she says she’s going to do. One can only hope. Yes, one can only hope. You do brave things. I know that.

In order to get caught up, I’m going to write a short December post about my trip to Utah and a recap of 2018. The January post will be my goals and ideas for 2019. I know better than to say I’ll blog whenever because whenever never comes. It’s better to stick to a schedule. See how much better you’re doing because you have a work routine? Yes, I do. After that, I’m going to blog once a month and title them based on the topic. I want each post to be unique rather than a recap of the month because that started to feel annoying. Who really cares what I’m doing lol? I write for myself and in the hope that my experience will help others. Do you ever regret being honest? No, even if it makes me look like a fool. You didn’t look like a fool. Oh, thanks. We only regret the things we didn’t say, the things we didn’t do. I was able to write the first draft of this rather quickly, and I’m shelving much faster at work which goes to show practice makes us better. Although, you can’t rush a blog post, it takes time to develop and revision makes it sound better. You had this one mostly done and then you sat on it for several weeks. I got busy with the holidays, work, laundry and packing. I just didn’t get it posted, it needed more revision. You need to believe in yourself more. People care about you and what you have to say. I guess so. And stop being so overly critical. Whatever you do, it’s enough. This is enough. I agree. Thanks.

Happy New Year!!

Take care and be well,

Julie

September + October

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I decided to combine September and October since it’s already November. I need to figure out a new blogging schedule for 2019. I don’t know if doing them monthly is working. I could go back to focusing on a topic. Usually the topic presents itself, then share personal stuff that relates. I kinda do that now. I like to make connections and find meaning. I like to arrive at some kind of conclusion. Maybe you’re overthinking it, let the post be what it is.

I revised the July + August blog post so many times that it almost got overworked. I have a tendency to get preachy and philosophical which can sound boring and weird. You were staying on the surface of things because it’s easier. Maybe I was. The good stuff is found when you go deeper, when you leave your comfort zone. All of the things you worry about usually never come to pass. That’s true. I took out a paragraph which I later regretted because in doing so I didn’t acknowledge the effort someone made to reach out to me. You took it out because you were still mad at him. I knew I had made a mistake because it felt like I had betrayed myself. By not mentioning it, it was as if it didn’t happen or matter which couldn’t be further from the truth. Having it all scares the hell out of you. When it comes to love, you turn into a coward. I’m used to being this much happy or maybe this much sad. You’re used to not letting people love you. I decided I wasn’t going to talk about any of the guys and just write about myself. The problem with always focusing on yourself is that you become selfish. I want to start dating again. You shouldn’t have stopped dating. When I said I wanted to go out on a date with five more guys, he’s not excluded from that. I still care about him and he knows that. You weren’t ready back then. You used to have casual sex and not make a big deal out of it. It’s going to take time for intimacy to become a normal part of your life again. One more thing I have to work on. It’s only a chore if you make it a chore. Ugh.

I don’t remember the paragraph exactly and I feel silly talking about it now because it happened back in August. I was happy to get your message or maybe it gave me mixed feelings. It didn’t sound like you. Who knew you could be sweet? Oh wait, I remember, we won’t melt. After all this time, now that I’m doing better. Would it be better if you left me alone? I told myself that day I was going to stop thinking about you. Later that day, I got your text. I shouldn’t have been surprised, I guess I was yearning for you. I thought your message was a mirage and it was going to disappear like you did so many times. It wasn’t all your fault, I disappeared too. I had no idea hearing from you would bring up the pain I felt when you told me you were seeing someone else and just wanted to be friends. I was crushed. I took a hard look at myself and what I had become. I felt motivated to get back on my feet and create a life that made me happy. And then regardless of whether he came back or not it wouldn’t matter. But it did. Oh shut up. We talked a little bit more. It seemed like he wasn’t being honest with me again and that pissed me off. I put my walls back up and told him I just wanted to be friends. What good does it do to hold grudges? I let it go. I gave it to the ocean. Everything happened exactly as it was meant to happen. In a roundabout way you were forced to develop self-love. Yeah, after months of wishing I were someone else lol. It wasn’t until I started working at the library that I began to feel confident again. It was his loss, not mine. It was both of your losses. Only love counts as a win.

I don’t know why you’re talking about love, I thought it was friendship as the foundation? It is. Be friends, take it slow. I’m either way too slow or way too fast. Find the middle path. Okay. At the end of September, I went on a vacation with my family to Maui, Hawaii. It’s very beautiful there. I enjoyed the seeing the sunsets, palm trees, mountains, and waterfalls. The people on the island have a relaxed, friendly, peaceful way of being – I call it the aloha spirit. It takes a long time to get there, but it’s worth it. I had a great time! We did several fun activities: the Road to Hana, a traditional luau, and photo session on the beach. I enjoyed spending time with my nieces. Emma is very happy and energetic. She’s like a ray of sunshine. She’s smart and brave. She loves to swim. Emma will be four in March. Little Mary is also very happy, yet her energy is a bit more calm. Her nickname is Bear. She makes noises like a bear and loves to cuddle. When provoked, usually by her sister, she gets feisty and fights back. Mary will be two in June. She’s named after my grandma which at first I thought was a really bad idea. My mom is also named Mary and neither her nor my grandma like their name. Now I can’t imagine her being named anything else, it’s the perfect name for her. She’s strong and loving like my grandma. My nieces bring me a lot of joy. I look forward to seeing them in December.

I’ve heard Hawaii teaches you what you need to learn and if you aren’t being humble, it humbles you. There’s a lot of spiritual power on the island, you can feel it, touch it, sense it. Both times I’ve been there, I’ve had eye-opening, painful experiences. The first time with the sunburn, blister, and my foot swelling up so badly that I could barely walk on it. This time, I got really sick one day and was on the verge of collapse. It was a good reminder that if I continue to disregard my physical health, not eating or drinking enough, there will be consequences. It’s a good example of how I can be so disconnected from my body and just drag it along with me and expect everything to be okay. We had some very busy days, I’m used to getting more rest. I returned home with a new found confidence in my abilities. I had been going through an overly critical phase where I was second guessing myself and listening to everyone else. Getting feedback is great, but only you know what is in your heart. I want to do what’s right, what’s best for me. Be patient and trust God to show you the way. The way will become clear, it always does. I hope so. I’ve realized why it’s easier to talk to my spirit guide, he’s an angel, he can’t hurt me. The only problem, he isn’t flesh and blood, so he can’t hold me, hug me or kiss me. Even angels aren’t perfect!

How is it that one minute we’re in paradise enjoying the sun and the next minute my mom is telling me my grandma isn’t doing well? It felt like the highest of highs then the lowest of lows. Life isn’t usually that dramatic. I was humbled again by my grandma’s passing. I thought she was going to live forever, it seemed like it. Here I was concerned with looking cute and getting likes on Facebook instead of paying attention to what really mattered. You’d think I’d learned my lesson after losing my dad. It was her time to go, there’s nothing you could’ve done. I know that. My mom and I went to the nursing home on Tuesday because the photo I wanted to use for her obituary was in an album in her room. Walking into her room and seeing the empty bed almost tore me apart. Knowing she was just there the day before and I would never get to hold her hand again was an awful feeling. It’s hard to lose someone you love. Yes, it is. The last time I saw her was in July, she was doing okay. My mom went to see her every week. Her health had been deteriorating over the last few months and I wasn’t aware of it. I was focused on my job. I’m thankful I got to see her one last time. She’s been so good to me and my brother. She helped both of us pay for college. We always went on fun family vacations. The fact that I didn’t visit her as much as I should have is something I have to live with. She wouldn’t be upset with me. My grandma is at peace now which brings me peace.

My grandma believed in love and forgiveness. She wouldn’t want me to be alone. As I looked around the funeral home, I realized almost all of my younger cousins had boyfriends or husbands there to comfort them. My life took a different path and I went through a very long healing journey. That’s no reason to still be alone now. I’m the source of my solitude. I have to put myself back out there again. I’m usually fine on my own, but that was one time when I really needed someone to be there for me. I didn’t cry the whole time. I thought I was going to be a mess. I held it together pretty well. The bravest thing to do is show your true emotions otherwise what’s the point. I’m grateful for the people who comforted me: my mom, brother, sister-in-law, aunts, cousins, and friends. They know how much my grandma meant to me. My friends, Christen and Will, who have known me for a long time, told me they’re proud of me and happy to see me flourishing. I’m talking about life in general now. Compared to how I was, all the things I’ve struggled with, I am doing better. The fight in me is strong. There’s still so much I want to accomplish. As I’ve said many times, healing is an ongoing process, it’s about doing the best we can right now. I’m learning how to be healthy and optimistic, brave and courageous, creative and adventurous.

This is a picture of Mary and Emma that my brother sent me a few weeks ago. Mary is hugging a tiny pumpkin! She has a lot of love in her heart. Another picture of Mary at a pumpkin patch around here. She found a good pumpkin. She’s a country girl at heart! 🙂

Take care and be well,
Julie

July + August

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I’ve decided to combine July and August since I’ve gotten so far behind. I was thinking about taking a break from blogging, but you don’t quit the things that are working. It’s okay to step away for awhile, it just has to be for the right reasons like focusing on another creative project. The wrong reasons are: fear, self-doubt or thinking my words don’t matter. Those reasons need to be faced and challenged. Writing is important to me, it’s my calling even though it drives me nuts sometimes. These words, what do they matter? A great deal, I suppose. I’m a weaver of words, a teller of tales. For awhile, I didn’t know what to say or rather what needed to be said. My blog works best when I’m being honest, when it’s like a normal conversation. When I start trying to control it or censor myself, the magic and excitement are lost. My writing has become much stronger. I wrote my first blog post in November of 2016. I’ve published 74 posts since then, this one will be 75. Doing something for the sheer love of it speaks volumes and is a reward in and of itself. My mom gave me a compliment, she told me that I’m a good writer. Getting a compliment from her is something, she doesn’t just throw them around. The only thing I’ve ever been good at is soccer lol. I’m still thinking about joining an indoor soccer team.

I want to set the record straight because there has been some speculation. I don’t have a secret boyfriend hiding out somewhere. First of all, I can’t keep a secret, if I had a boyfriend y’all would know about him. It had something to do with a comment my mom made on my FB post. She said, “btw, they won.” I know, I was sitting right there lol. I’m not going to miss the end of the game. Maybe I was okay with people thinking I was seeing someone, it makes me seem less pathetic. It’s actually more pathetic to continue dating when all I was doing was getting hurt, hurting people or making bad decisions. Maybe all of that is part of dating. We make mistakes in order to learn and grow so we can do better next time. I feel like I’ve gotten stronger. I’ve been focused on my job which I still find rewarding. The joy of helping people and the feeling of self-worth is worth more than the paycheck, although the paycheck is nice too. Now that I have a handle on my job, I could start dating again. I’m going to look for compatibility, chemistry, availability, respect, and friendship as the foundation. All of that sounds great, but if you still have walls up to keep them out, it won’t matter. I know, I need to stop running away from a deeper connection and let someone get close to me. When it’s time, not prematurely or haphazardly. I’ve never had a guy over to my apartment. I’m very protective of my time and space which is a good thing since I can be a bit naive sometimes.

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So it wasn’t always their fault, I had a lot of armor around my heart. That still doesn’t make the wrong person right or I have to like someone more than I do just to give them a chance. I also don’t have to put up with rude, disrespectful behavior or the really annoying fake nice, condescending tone. Most of them are just trying to get laid and they take the shortest route possible. I move much slower and often get left behind. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’m a very honest person. I can’t fake what I’m feeling. When it comes to dating, I need to hold onto my cards instead of laying them down. Cue the Kenny Rogers’ song, The Gambler, lol. I need to stop giving my power away. For the longest time, I didn’t want a guy in my life and that’s the vibe I was putting out there. Now, I feel somewhat differently. I have to figure out how to create space in my life for someone else. I don’t know why I’m so afraid. When someone cares about you, they won’t take advantage of you, they want you to become strong and empowered. They’ll be happy that you have dreams and goals. I realize that now. This time, I’ll be able to say that I have a job, I won’t have to explain the past because I’ve made peace with it. I was putting my self-worth into their hands by asking them if I was good enough. I felt like being a survivor made me less than, like it was something I had to apologize for. That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. You should be proud of yourself. I am proud of myself.

“Another rainy Saturday.” I said to my coworker. He looked out the window and said, “It stopped raining.” He’s right, it stopped raining many years ago and I still find myself getting stuck there. It might be helpful for me to see a therapist who specializes in PTSD. This year started off badly. I wasn’t happy working at the clothing store and decided to quit my job. Instead of seeing it as a success, I saw it as a failure. Hitting rock bottom is painful, yet it can be a very powerful turning point where we’re forced to grow up and take responsibility. If we do the work and make changes, we’re redirected to something better. Like a puzzle, God helps us put the pieces in the right place. Something shifted for me at the conference in April. I felt hopeful and inspired, like no matter what happened I was going to be okay. I don’t want to lose what I’ve worked so hard to gain – my peace of mind, my strength, my relationship with God. Healing is a continual process. It’s easy to slip back into old ways of being and choose people who allow us to re-experience the chaos and dysfunction we experienced growing up. We’re trying to resolve the past but that way creates more pain. We have to live consciously: communicate honestly, love ourselves unconditionally, and develop functional boundaries. We heal our wounds of abandonment any time we protect our inner child from harm and get our needs met in a healthy way. We think that life without drama will be boring, it’s not, manipulation and heartbreak are incredibly boring.

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I think September is going to be a fun month. I’m going to two music concerts and on a family vacation to a very warm destination. I’m looking forward to spending time with my family especially my two nieces. 🙂 🙂 I want to make good choices. Sometimes the wisest choice is to give in to what your heart desires. I don’t know about that. At the end of day, we just want to be heard and understood. We want to feel like someone cares which is risky because they can take that away, but anything that isn’t given freely isn’t worth having anyway. I have faith that I can find my way, I always do. That’s the beauty of life – we can do anything we want within reason. Sometimes the best things happen when we are a bit outside of reason, a bit out of our minds. Perhaps, I’ve become too careful. Somebody told me my problem is that I act like a nun. They said it jokingly but in some ways they’re right. I’ve been trying to get back into my body. I wanted to say, you go through chemotherapy and radiation and see what you act like. I’d rather be a nun than a slut. Nobody wants something that’s easy to take. I’d rather have something sacred than something that falls apart after a few months. I need to get back out there. I’m going to try to meet five more guys by the end of the year or by my birthday. That sounds reasonable. I still need to decide on which dating site. They’re all the same. I guess so.

Recently, I saw a red bird and a rainbow in the space of a few minutes. Based on the book I was reading, those are examples of heavenly comfort. I also see some amazing sunsets on my way home from work. The stronger my faith becomes, the more self-love I have because God is love. The more I can tap into that power, the more power I have. God sees the best in me. Friends are like that, they remind us that we are special and we are loved. Good memories are like little crystals we can carry around with us. A crystal is see-through, there isn’t any cloudiness. Love is like that, it doesn’t have a hidden agenda. Love doesn’t hold grudges. Love that walks as light – these are the light bearers. Freedom should be free and peace shouldn’t be fought over, but in our society things get messed up and it takes time for them to be made right again. Do I ever get upset with God because I want to take a different path? Yes, of course, but His will doesn’t cause me harm. Wait a second, the cancer caused me harm, so there is darkness in the light. What matters is which side you choose. God teaches humility and service not mischief and foolishness. God wants us to be brave, he wants us to love, he gives us the tools, he gives us the means but instead of protecting each other we start wars to protect our greed, to protect our fears, to protect our sorrow. That’s depressing. Thank God for the angels who always help us find our way back home.

My affirmations for September:

GOD IS MY LIGHT AND HIS LIGHT HEALS. IT IS EASY FOR ME TO RECEIVE THE LOVE THAT IS MEANT FOR ME. I HAVE A BRAVE, BRILLIANT, BEAUTIFUL SOUL.

Take care,

Julie

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June

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Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief, the details of my sex life will not be discussed in this post. Of course, I’ll find something equally disturbing to talk about lol. Do I like drama? It sure seems like it. I sat here for a good twenty minutes deciding whether or not to hit the publish button. I usually don’t have that struggle. I’m usually glad the post is done because it takes effort to make it good. I know it was too much information and probably made a few people uncomfortable. My bad. Obviously, that’s what was up for me and my heart was hurting. Oh, but God wasn’t done teaching me lessons. I’ll get to that later. June became a month of getting re-centered. The perfect job fell into my lap and I’m very grateful. Yes, I’m overqualified, it doesn’t pay a lot, but I’m happy to be there. That’s important. I don’t feel out of place or stressed out. I get overwhelmed at times because there are so many books to shelve. I’m the type of person who wants to get everything done, yet it’s more important to shelve accurately than quickly. I get there on time because I want to be there. I have certain things I have to get done, but I don’t have someone breathing down my neck and getting mad if I have to go to the restroom. I don’t feel pressured to sell stuff. I’m definitely not bored because we stay busy.

I realized the reason I like putting things in order is because it gives me a feeling of being in control. When a person goes through an episode of powerlessness, like getting diagnosed with cancer and going through treatment, the mind can gravitate towards activities that bring relief. We have a section of books, fiction and non-fiction, that are new releases. They can only be checked out for 14 days. I also shelve DVDs, CDs, audiobooks, and magazines. I’m still learning the library. I don’t always know the answer when I get asked questions, so I ask my coworkers who have been very helpful. Many of them are retired school teachers or have a library science degree. When I can find the book they are looking for, it makes me feel good. Kids can get pretty upset when we don’t have the book they want, a whole library of books, but they have to have that one book. I’ve had to build up an immunity to Iocaine powder, just kidding, lol, to dust and allergens. My first week there, I was coming home wheezing and it felt like I was allergic to something. Luckily, that isn’t happening anymore. I have to be careful about picking up germs so that I’m not constantly getting sick. I’ve been using hand sanitizer or washing my hands every hour or two just to be on the safe side.

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Overall, I feel good about my job. I have five 4-hour shifts. I have a set schedule, it’s the same every week. I took Neil’s shifts because he got promoted to library assistant. Counting me, there are five Pages. At first, I wondered why don’t we have four 5-hour shifts which would give us three days off instead of two. I think it’s because shelving for five hours could be too much. My supervisor, Melody, lost her husband to brain cancer the same year we lost my dad to lung cancer. I have a feeling they’re in heaven smiling down at us. The director, Sarah, and the other supervisor, Emily, are women. It’s the first time I’ve worked somewhere where the people in charge aren’t men. It’s a completely different vibe. My job gives me a routine and more income. I have to get things done now rather than putting them off. I have to get dressed and leave the house even when I don’t feel like it. At this point, it’s up to me to do things that contribute to my health. Being around people and being of service makes me feel better. I haven’t spoken much about being a survivor with my coworkers but I think most of them know. I feel accepted and supported. I’m working to prove to myself that the cancer didn’t win. I can have a life and be free from that nightmare.

I’m on my phone too much, he was right, it’s a distraction. Most of the time, it’s not productive. I haven’t been on any more dates nor have I set up a dating profile. I’m lonely again. I’ve retreated into my shell which is fine, but it feels like a step backwards. I shouldn’t let what happened deter me from trusting men again. I’m not the type of person who takes that lightly. Intimacy is sacred to me and it wasn’t in that situation. The abrupt ending was difficult for me, but I don’t question God nor do wish things to be different. Tbh, I was a bit relieved that it was over. I was on OkCupid. Now, I’m thinking about trying Plenty of Fish, Tinder or Zoosk. I haven’t looked at any of them yet. I’m curious to try Tinder because of all the things I’ve heard about it, good and bad. I won’t know until I look at them which one seems right. This month, I celebrated my 9 year cancerversary! I saw a quote, “That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.” I am where I am now because I did the work. I did the grieving and with it comes healing. You can ask my neighbor who over the last five years has heard me bawling my eyes out. I’ve doubted whether I should keep the faith. Am I silly to trust God? I got disheartened and wondered if I’d ever find my way again.

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I just kept thinking life would be easier if I weren’t a cancer survivor. When I question God’s methods, it feels like I’m slapping Him in the face. Those were my lessons to learn. All of that has made me stronger not weaker. Even the fatigue, which slows me down, allows me to appreciate the beauty around me. I used to have low self-esteem, not that it’s super high now but it’s higher than it was. Self-love gives us the ability to break bad habits and create a better life. We have to speak our truth even if we look the fool. I’d rather look the fool than wear a mask. Failure is just as important as success. How else would we learn? God brings the right people and situations into our life. I used to wonder why my path looked different. Our paths are supposed to look different – our souls have different missions. I remember when I fought with my parents to let me move to Colorado with Ian so we could attend Naropa. I remember fighting with my mom to let me hire Morgan’s team to edit the book. We have to fight for what we want, for what we feel in our hearts and know to be true in our souls. I need to keep fighting for my dreams. For many years, I’ve felt like a disappointment. It wasn’t until I met the first group of survivors that I realized my struggles were normal. Cancer had changed their lives too, but they weren’t bitter about it. Instead, they chose to rise above it and thrive.

I need to clarify something I wrote last month. I said, “I have my nieces and I love them dearly.” I don’t have my nieces. I have nieces. They live in Utah with my brother, David, and sister-in-law, Kristine. Happy 1st birthday Mary! 🙂 I forgot to start with the affirmations. I’m only sharing two this month. As I’ve said all along, repeating one or two is more effective than trying to say or remember a bunch of them, unless you’re reading a daily inspirational paragraph then that’s different. STOP-BREATHE-GROUND. I’LL FIGURE IT OUT. The first one is great because it can be used to prevent an anxiety attack. The second one is more of a confidence booster. I get excited when I see one I haven’t seen before or a different version. I’m funny. Who gets excited about affirmations? Me. Lol. I’ve been using both of them and they’re pretty effective. I had planned to use some of this post to write about my survivor trip to Hocking Hills, but I didn’t go because I got sick and stayed home. I missed an opportunity to rock climb and make new friends. It was an FDTribs weekend. Some of you know what that is, survivors who have been on an FD1 trip. My local alumni group is the Cleveland Tributary. Hopefully, I can join them next time. So, what happened?

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On Friday, I woke up with a bad headache, I figured it was just my period headache because it was time for Aunt Flo to visit me. I felt dizzy and nauseous which usually isn’t the case. I hadn’t been drinking. I wasn’t hungover. I had gotten a good night sleep. I was apprehensive about going, which is normal, yet I always have a great time. The weather was going to be really hot for hiking and rock climbing. I knew we’d be in the shade and to drink plenty of water. I’ve been to Hocking Hills before with my mom, brother, and grandma. I remember the pretty waterfalls. It was going to be a two hour drive. I wasn’t worried about driving, I’ve driven across the country a few times. I had a full tank of gas and my CDs picked out to listen to in the car so I wouldn’t fiddle with the radio. I was almost finished packing, I just had to throw my clothes in my duffle bag. I was going to leave at 3pm since we were supposed to be there between 5-7pm. Even though some of the climbs were slightly terrifying last time, I enjoyed climbing and being in nature. When I’m naturally good at something or catch on quickly, it strengthens my confidence. I was looking forward to another adventure.

I forced myself into the shower and barely made it through before I started to feel like I was going to throw up. Now, I don’t throw up very often. It’s one of my least favorite things to do. I quickly put a bath towel down in front of the toilet because I don’t like to touch the floor especially being naked and clean. I’ll spare you the details, but I threw up more than several times and it was very unpleasant. It’s during these moments of anguish when we’re thinking most clearly. We start bargaining with God. I’ll stop doing this or that. I’ll change my ways. We think of the amends we need to make or things we want to do. Maybe it’s just me. It takes sickness to appreciate health. We can see what really matters. Luckily, after about an hour or two, I started feeling a little better. I was able to drink some green tea and eat some oatmeal. I didn’t have much strength or energy to get there. I contacted the lead guide and told him what happened. He told me not to worry and to feel better soon. I felt sick the whole weekend and didn’t get much done besides laundry. Sometimes, we have to pause, breathe, and regroup instead of rushing forward.

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So what was the lesson? My first thought was that it was morning sickness. I bought a pregnancy test at the grocery store. My period is usually three days early. I wasn’t late but it hadn’t started yet. The test said that I’m not pregnant. I probably picked up a virus at work. Technically, there’s no way I could be pregnant since he had a vasectomy, but he had lied about so many things that I had become doubtful. I felt like God was saying, this is what happens when you don’t take care of yourself. We didn’t use protection and I’m not on the pill. I have a master’s degree and I still do incredibly stupid things. I also struggle with really simple things sometimes. Obviously, I need to get on birth control and practice safe sex so that I don’t have to worry about pregnancy or diseases. My next thought was that it could be the cancer coming back and for the love of God I need to stop drinking Pepsi and start giving a damn about my health. I need to become hard core healthy. That’s going to be my next obsession. There are worse things to get obsessed about than super foods and a plant based whole foods diet. Reduce sugar, dairy, meat and gluten. Find healthy alternatives. Make green juice and smoothies. How many times have I talked about this? Ugh.

The good news, I started my period. It was two days late, but it felt like an eternity. For a brief moment, I was excited about the thought of having a baby, but I don’t want to be a single mom and that’s what I would’ve been. I sound paranoid. I think it was sheer terror. Maybe I’m afraid of the good stuff, the stuff of dreams because I’ve gotten used to the shackles and excuses. I claim to be free, but what is freedom? I claim to love, but where is my devotion? I claim to be brave, but where is the proof? I claim to be kind and then gossip about each one. I don’t intend to push people away nor cause myself misery. I have trouble letting people get close to me. I try to have good intentions. We all have addictions and defense mechanisms. I was afraid to fall, to be consumed with passion. I was afraid to risk it all. Love is safety, it isn’t destruction. It’s building a bridge. I want to be brave from now on, not stupid, brave, there’s a difference. I’m going to be nicer this time which will make dating much more enjoyable. I feel happy and it’s not because of someone or something, although it’s many people and many things. I feel blessed. God is good.

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I thought of something else last night and now this post is getting long. I need to be happy for people who have found their person, the person that makes them happy. Why would I want to be with someone who isn’t into me? That makes no sense. I’m going to be patient and proactive in my search for love and connection. I need to realize which ones are wasting my time and cut them loose. I need to be myself because the right guy will like me just as I am. I won’t have to change or become someone else. I won’t feel like a fish out of water, I’ll still be able to breathe. I won’t feel like I’m not good enough, he’ll reassure me that I am okay. With the right person, you can’t mess it up. I know many of you think I’m too picky, but I know what I want and need and deserve. I have faith in God and His timing. Once again Garth Brooks’ lyrics ring true, “Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” It dawned on me that it wasn’t so much his love that I wanted, just love in general. And that’s fine, we all need love and affection. I don’t want to be with someone just to say I have someone, that isn’t cool either. I’m going to stop pushing them away and being overly judgmental, but I’m not going to settle or lower my standards. Someday, my guy will choose me, and it won’t be because I hung the moon or painted the stars although he’ll think I have, it’ll be because he sees my light and I can see his, and when we’re together our lights shine brighter.

Take care and be well,

Julie

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(photo courtesy of my mom, great picture!)

May

Once again, I didn’t think I’d have anything to write about this month. Boy, was I wrong. I’m going to be more candid than I’ve ever been because I need to be honest about what happened. It was a big step for me and although it didn’t work out with him, I’ve learned a lot. It’s given me a starting point and I’m proud of myself. Several things happened, I got tired of pining away for someone. It was like a light bulb went off and I realized how silly I had been to care about someone who wasn’t putting me first. This prompted me to take a chance with someone new. I got tired of being alone, my body finally won the battle over my mind. You’ll have to read on until the end because there are other things I must write about first. I’m going to list the affirmations now. Positive self-talk is a great place to start.

I’m getting stronger every day. I can do this! I’m deserving of my dreams. I’ve discovered that I am fierce. I own my power. I choose what I become. It’s easy for me to say, “Yes.” It’s easy for me to say, “No, thanks.” I am good enough. I am a brave warrior.

Something shifted for me, maybe it had something to do with the abrupt weather change. I went to a few more job interviews. I’ve gotten better at them. They don’t make me as nervous. I have faith in God that I’ll find a job that is right for me. I need to stop being so picky. Job interviews are very humbling like when the senior citizens used to lap me at the mall when I was trying to regain my strength. They have to pick the best candidate and sometimes it isn’t me, which doesn’t make me any less of a person but it’s hard not to take it personally. I shake that off because it’s not something I’ve chosen. I’m doing better than I was. I’ve gained so much inner strength and wisdom. I’m beginning to understand how God’s plan is bigger than my plan. It’s only when they are in alignment, for my highest good, that I experience true flow and serenity. I went to a cancer survivor support group that I’d been meaning to go to for awhile now. It’s only seven minutes away from my apartment. It was a good experience. I look forward to the next meeting.

I met three more guys from the dating site: Joey #8, Jason #9 and Chad #10. Why am I numbering them? Because I’m still trying to meet the challenge and I’m proud of myself for meeting ten guys. Even though it’s taken almost a year, I consider it progress. My three month membership ended. I’ll probably try another site and wrestle a few more alligators lol. I don’t know if I’ll make it to #15. It’s possible I could meet someone before then and form a relationship. The idea was to keep my options open, see what’s out there and not fall in love right away which is easier said than done. The heart is a pesky thing because it feels what it does. I need to bring my brain along with me. I’m more in touch with my emotions than I think. If both people are falling it’s okay to fall, but if only one of you is falling you’re gonna get hurt. Sometimes, even when both of you are falling, they reach for a ledge and stop falling. Communication is key, when that goes, everything goes. My friend, Jenny, was right when she told me, “Just pick one, you don’t have to marry him.” I was being too picky. There isn’t a perfect person, even with the best of intentions they can let you down because their heart belongs to someone else.

I’ll start with Joey. We’ve been talking on and off since February. We only had one date. We don’t look like we go together. Even the waiter said, “This is on separate checks, right?” Joey has a lot of tattoos. He’s very punk rock. His dog died recently, so I’m worried my allergies would bother me if I went to his place. He’s a sweet guy, but his main concern is getting laid. We both have OCD, but his manifests differently. We’re both sensitive and I think that’s how we get along. We meet people whom we have things in common with, but it doesn’t mean they’re the person for us. When we get rejected, it’s not because there’s anything wrong with us, it’s because there’s someone better suited for us. Dating is a learning experience. I ordered the Blue October tickets thinking he would go with me or that I could easily find someone who liked the band. I wanted to see them in concert again. Joey basically said he didn’t want to go because we weren’t sleeping together. He also didn’t want to spend $40 because he doesn’t like them very much. I asked a few more friends and they had other plans. I was starting to panic. I asked a few of the guys I had pushed away, felt silly for asking them, and probably wouldn’t have had a good time. Luckily, they also declined.

What happened next is kind of interesting. I had started talking with another guy, Jason, and up until that point we had only been texting. I was starting to like him or at least I didn’t not like him. I accidentally called him one day while I was walking with my mom. I had my phone in the front pocket of my green shorts. I kept taking it out to take pictures. The next time I put it in my pocket, it must’ve somehow dialed him. My mom and I both heard someone saying, “Hello, hello.” We finally realized the voice was coming from my pocket. I took the phone out and looked at the screen. I was happy to see his name. My phone could’ve called anyone. We laughed that is was God who had called him. I was hesitant but excited to get to know him. He’s been through some tough times and has a lot of baggage. I seem to attract guys who need therapy or maybe it’s the healer part of me. I think God was more like, “I’ll bring you a penis, it won’t be the right penis, but because you’re so arrogant and impatient, I’m gonna teach you a lesson. You’re gonna get in over your head because you’re getting ahead of yourself. And then you’re gonna have to do things in the order in which they should be done.” But I’m skipping ahead.

We talked on the phone a few more times. I asked him if he liked Blue October. He did. It got to be the night before the concert and I asked him if he would go with me. I was worried he’d say no or I’d be nervous or it would be awkward. I didn’t want to drive to Clifton by myself because that area can be dangerous. I picked him up because he was on the way and he doesn’t have a car. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be attracted to him, but I was. The concert was awesome. I was surprised at how much chemistry we had. I enjoyed kissing him. I felt safe and comfortable which was odd because I barely knew him. Jason goes to AA meetings, he doesn’t like NA, although he was addicted to drugs not alcohol. “NA is for hookups,” he said. “There are more old-timers in AA.” I replied. I used to work at a drug and alcohol treatment center. I was impressed because it seemed like he was working the steps and trying to stay sober, but then he drank three beers which didn’t seem right. Usually when you’re in recovery, you abstain from all substances, you don’t get to pick and choose. He also smokes cigarettes and when we were together, I would smoke too. Obviously, I don’t need to be smoking cigarettes. I needed someone who knows what they’re doing in bed, and I knew he wouldn’t fail me in that department.

The next night, Saturday, I went out with Chad. We had made plans earlier in the week so even though I had a good time with Jason, I felt like I should still meet him. Chad is divorced and has two daughters. I soon learned that even on his kid-free nights, he still goes to their games and activities. His world pretty much revolves around them. It made me wonder whether I have space in my heart to be a mom to someone else’s kids. Not that that would happen right away and I think with the right person it could be okay. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want kids right now. I have my nieces and I love them dearly. I’ve never dated someone with kids. I’m used to being someone’s top priority. Even the nice guys can be mean sometimes. He made two condescending remarks about my situation. “Have fun staring at your phone screen all day.” I don’t stare at my phone screen all day. When he gets sick and has to stay home from work, he gets bored sitting around watching television and looks forward to going back to work. First of all, I’m not recovering from strep throat, the things I deal with are chronic. I look forward to going back to work because it’s good for me in many ways. Could I be doing more? Sure. I’m already very hard on myself, I don’t need your unsolicited criticism.

Secondly, I don’t have a television. I made a decision five years ago that I didn’t want one because I wanted to focus on writing. People who don’t struggle with anything seem to have less compassion. Sometimes what our work is for a time period doesn’t look like normal work. And yet, he thinks I’m amazing because of everything I’ve been through. I am amazing, but I’m also human and imperfect. He did what I’ve done to so many guys, he put me up on a pedestal. When you put someone on a pedestal, it gives them no room to move freely. I don’t want unwarranted praise. You fight cancer because you have to, anyone would fight in that situation. You have to be brave and it’ll make you stronger. But for every brave move I made, I’ve made a dozen cowardly ones which is why compliments can feel insincere coming from someone who doesn’t know me. I’m not trying to downplay my accomplishments or minimize what I’m been through. He came on strong which felt suffocating. He read a bunch of my blog posts and asked me a bunch of questions. At first, I was flattered, but then it was annoying. You’d think I’d enjoy the attention since I’m so self-absorbed. In some ways, it’s not my fault. Trauma changes people. Self-care requires a lot of self-focus. I want people in my life. I want meaning and purpose too.

I’m not saying it makes you a better human to have struggled, oftentimes, it makes a person worse. If I had the choice, I wouldn’t have gotten cancer and had my life change dramatically. I’m also not saying I want to be with someone who is damaged or broken. I want to be with someone who is working on themselves and when they’re wrong they can swallow their pride and admit it. It’s similar to how I idolize rock stars, they’ve probably made a ton of mistakes they aren’t proud of and feel weary of praise. It’s okay to have heroes. We need inspiration in our lives. I’m not one-dimensional. I’m a whole person. I got the feeling he wouldn’t understand my darkness because it’s still there, no matter how much light I bring in and cultivate. That’s not a bad thing, it’s the reality of being human. I’m not a naturally optimistic person, it’s something I have to work on. You think I’m pushing him away because he’s a nice guy. No, I want a nice guy. He also has to have a backbone. When a man is too passive, I end up walking all over him. I need a strong man. He doesn’t have to have survived cancer, but he will have survived other trials. Love is exciting and passionate, it’s also calm and clear. It isn’t settling for someone because they’re available. Hell, fast food is available that doesn’t mean I’m going to choose it for dinner every night.

I’ve been complaining about how guys just want sex and here I was finally getting some conversation and I didn’t even want it. I’m a mess lol. I’m a man-eater lol. I need both. Chad is very religious and reserved. Unlike Joey, he wasn’t leading with sex. He was attracted to me, but he didn’t want to be offensive or cross the line. Compared to other guys, Chad was so far from crossing the line, he was in another country. I told him that and how it’s okay to flirt more with women, we actually like it. From the beginning, I wasn’t physically attracted to him. My feelings remained lukewarm and I don’t think that’s enough to build on. I like a tall guy, but at 6’5″ he towered over me which made me feel uncomfortable. Maybe he would do better with a taller woman. I thought I was tall lol. Next to him, I felt short. His advances were respectful, but I didn’t encourage him. He tried to kiss me at the end of date but I had just kissed Jason the night before, so I stopped him. This was getting out of hand. All of sudden, I had become Julie hot lips lol. Kudos to me for two dates in two nights! Perhaps, he would do better with someone who also has kids. Just like I found Jason to be exciting, Chad found me exciting. Or maybe with certain people we feel like we can be free or they bring out a side of us we keep repressed.

So what happened with Jason? We had sex on our second date. Hallelujah. Lol. The only problem, well, there were several problems. We didn’t use lube and he was too big for me. Even before cancer, he might’ve been too big. At least I was drinking some alcohol and that loosened me up. Things have changed down there. I didn’t want to be a disappointment. I didn’t want to disappoint the guy. I was worried a penis wouldn’t go in there. It was partly psychological and partly physical. I knew the chemotherapy had shrunk it and yet I wasn’t doing anything to stretch it out. My friends have husbands or boyfriends, they didn’t wait so long before becoming sexually active again. I never had any problems before and it made me sick to stomach to think I would let someone down. I know how important sex is to guys, it’s all they think about. I didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t know how to deal with it. And I didn’t have to deal with it until I realized there was something missing from my life. Sharing that experience with someone is amazing and it should feel good.

I had to tell someone what happened, who would listen without judgment, so I told my survivor friend Rachael. Thanks! And then I told my mom, she wasn’t as mad as I thought she would be. It bled a bit afterwards which kind of freaked me out. I spotted for a few days. I’ve had a tiny bit of pain which leads me to believe there could be a very small tear. In some ways, it’s a setback because I have to let it heal before I can try out my fake penises, lol. I went to the Hustler store and bought a dilator kit and lube. Luckily, the girl working there helped me decide what to buy. She was very nice. Once again, I was humbled. I wanted to get the regular-sized vibrator but after telling her what happened she said I had better start with the set and work my way up to the normal size. I should’ve told her I don’t have any patience, but she probably already surmised that. I thought a dilator was more like what they use during a pap smear. I’m glad it’s not. The dilator kit looks like exactly what I need and a portion of the proceeds goes to the Living Beyond Breast Cancer organization. Update, I’m feeling much better. My body is an amazing healer.

I’ve always been somewhat disconnected from my body and out of touch with my feminine power. This is making me heal the one thing I’ve neglected because I want intimacy again. My body needs to be treated with love and care, putting myself in that situation even though I was a willing participant was very ignorant. This isn’t easy to talk about. Of course, my mom said, “Do not write about that on your blog.” She’s right, it isn’t anyone’s business, but I don’t have to be embarrassed or ashamed or nonchalant about it. If I had gotten back in touch with my sexuality five years ago, I wouldn’t be stumbling now. My words, my truth, my journey, that’s what I have to give, that’s what I can contribute. If this blog is to be therapeutic, a healing place, I have to be honest about what I’m going through. We are healed by the truth. Lies are like prisons we trap ourselves in.

I had just attended an informative class called “Sex after Cancer” at the conference in Denver. The lady teaching the class was like, “Use a dilator first, don’t just let him ram his penis in there.” What do I do? Ugh. He was gentle for the most part, we took it slow, but I had no business starting with a penis of that size and without lube. I had never used lube before. I thought it was oily, it’s more like the consistency of hand sanitizer. It had gotten to the point where I couldn’t wait any longer. I was craving intimacy and affection. The first time was probably not going to be pleasant with anyone. If he had had a smaller penis and used lube, it wouldn’t have been as painful and frustrating. I’m resilient, hopefully, my vajajay is too. It could be better than I think, it could be worse. I don’t know yet. How could I have gone this long without it? I was focused on other things. I added it to my list of things to be bitter about. Bitterness is the problem, it’s not a solution.

Let me preface this by saying, I don’t think Jason is a bad guy and he has to do what’s best for him. This is why you don’t sleep with someone right away, you don’t know them well enough. That was Thursday. On Friday, he wanted me to pick him up, go out for drinks, lotion me down, and go to sleep together. I told him I didn’t feel like going out because I needed to rest. He seemed really agitated and was acting different. Before we hung up, he told me we were a couple and that I was his girl. He said he wasn’t talking to anyone else and not to worry about anything. I never pressured him into a relationship. I was happy to be dating but since we had become intimate, we decided to be exclusive. Maybe dating doesn’t even exist. Guys seem to think the second date is the sex date. It’s not. It should be after 3-5 dates or more. If you do it too soon, it can feel like you’re using each other. I called him later that night to make sure he was okay because I was concerned about him. It went straight to voice mail, so I figured he had gone out with someone else.

The next day, he posted something on Facebook about how he’s in love with a girl named Ashley. In some ways, it didn’t surprise me. Whenever we talked, I always got the feeling there was someone else. There was. Jason has a long distance girlfriend who very recently made the decision to move here to be with him because they are in love. That’s who was always texting him while we were talking even though he said it was his sister. I find it hard to believe she just decided to move here. Most people don’t make major life decisions on a whim, there’s a lot of planning involved. You’re probably wondering how I could’ve been so stupid and why did I sleep with him? The final thing that swayed my decision, he had a vasectomy which took the pregnancy worry off the table. He’s 38 and has four kids. In some ways, I threw myself at him, so I can’t blame him, but that doesn’t make his dishonesty okay or negate the fact that he was betraying her.

I got blindsided. I got my feelings hurt because we shared that experience. I was starting to like him even though his cologne, which smelled good, probably would’ve driven me crazy. I feel like an idiot for believing him, but he seemed really sincere. I hope he treats her good from now on. They seem happy together. She thinks the world of him. Jason is a fun guy. He’s an Aries. He’s never read my blog, he didn’t even know what kind of cancer I had. God brings people into our lives, sometimes they don’t stay very long and it’s a blessing in disguise. Trust your intuition, it won’t lead you astray. Our intuition is the smartest part of us because it precedes thought, it’s more feeling based and accurate since it’s connected to the soul. I don’t know the whole story, I didn’t want to hear his voice and more lies. I pushed almost all of the other guys away, the one I chose still betrayed me. I should kick his ass, but I won’t. He apologized and I’ll be okay. I’m going to take a short break from dating. I need to do some healing. I don’t regret my choices even though it got me into trouble. Making choices is how we learn. God makes things right again. He always has, He always will.

Take care,

Julie

The Healing Room