I decided to combine September and October since it’s already November. I need to figure out a new blogging schedule for 2019. I don’t know if doing them monthly is working. I could go back to focusing on a topic. Usually the topic presents itself, then share personal stuff that relates. I kinda do that now. I like to make connections and find meaning. I like to arrive at some kind of conclusion. Maybe you’re overthinking it, let the post be what it is.

I revised the July + August blog post so many times that it almost got overworked. I have a tendency to get preachy and philosophical which can sound boring and weird. You were staying on the surface of things because it’s easier. Maybe I was. The good stuff is found when you go deeper, when you leave your comfort zone. All of the things you worry about usually never come to pass. That’s true. I took out a paragraph which I later regretted because in doing so I didn’t acknowledge the effort someone made to reach out to me. You took it out because you were still mad at him. I knew I had made a mistake because it felt like I had betrayed myself. By not mentioning it, it was as if it didn’t happen or matter which couldn’t be further from the truth. Having it all scares the hell out of you. When it comes to love, you turn into a coward. I’m used to being this much happy or maybe this much sad. You’re used to not letting people love you. I decided I wasn’t going to talk about any of the guys and just write about myself. The problem with always focusing on yourself is that you become selfish. I want to start dating again. You shouldn’t have stopped dating. When I said I wanted to go out on a date with five more guys, he’s not excluded from that. I still care about him and he knows that. You weren’t ready back then. You used to have casual sex and not make a big deal out of it. It’s going to take time for intimacy to become a normal part of your life again. One more thing I have to work on. It’s only a chore if you make it a chore. Ugh.

I don’t remember the paragraph exactly and I feel silly talking about it now because it happened back in August. I was happy to get your message or maybe it gave me mixed feelings. It didn’t sound like you. Who knew you could be sweet? Oh wait, I remember, we won’t melt. After all this time, now that I’m doing better. Would it be better if you left me alone? I told myself that day I was going to stop thinking about you. Later that day, I got your text. I shouldn’t have been surprised, I guess I was yearning for you. I thought your message was a mirage and it was going to disappear like you did so many times. It wasn’t all your fault, I disappeared too. I had no idea hearing from you would bring up the pain I felt when you told me you were seeing someone else and just wanted to be friends. I was crushed. I took a hard look at myself and what I had become. I felt motivated to get back on my feet and create a life that made me happy. And then regardless of whether he came back or not it wouldn’t matter. But it did. Oh shut up. We talked a little bit more. It seemed like he wasn’t being honest with me again and that pissed me off. I put my walls back up and told him I just wanted to be friends. What good does it do to hold grudges? I let it go. I gave it to the ocean. Everything happened exactly as it was meant to happen. In a roundabout way you were forced to develop self-love. Yeah, after months of wishing I were someone else lol. It wasn’t until I started working at the library that I began to feel confident again. It was his loss, not mine. It was both of your losses. Only love counts as a win.

I don’t know why you’re talking about love, I thought it was friendship as the foundation? It is. Be friends, take it slow. I’m either way too slow or way too fast. Find the middle path. Okay. At the end of September, I went on a vacation with my family to Maui, Hawaii. It’s very beautiful there. I enjoyed the seeing the sunsets, palm trees, mountains, and waterfalls. The people on the island have a relaxed, friendly, peaceful way of being – I call it the aloha spirit. It takes a long time to get there, but it’s worth it. I had a great time! We did several fun activities: the Road to Hana, a traditional luau, and photo session on the beach. I enjoyed spending time with my nieces. Emma is very happy and energetic. She’s like a ray of sunshine. She’s smart and brave. She loves to swim. Emma will be four in March. Little Mary is also very happy, yet her energy is a bit more calm. Her nickname is Bear. She makes noises like a bear and loves to cuddle. When provoked, usually by her sister, she gets feisty and fights back. Mary will be two in June. She’s named after my grandma which at first I thought was a really bad idea. My mom is also named Mary and neither her nor my grandma like their name. Now I can’t imagine her being named anything else, it’s the perfect name for her. She’s strong and loving like my grandma. My nieces bring me a lot of joy. I look forward to seeing them in December.

I’ve heard Hawaii teaches you what you need to learn and if you aren’t being humble, it humbles you. There’s a lot of spiritual power on the island, you can feel it, touch it, sense it. Both times I’ve been there, I’ve had eye-opening, painful experiences. The first time with the sunburn, blister, and my foot swelling up so badly that I could barely walk on it. This time, I got really sick one day and was on the verge of collapse. It was a good reminder that if I continue to disregard my physical health, not eating or drinking enough, there will be consequences. It’s a good example of how I can be so disconnected from my body and just drag it along with me and expect everything to be okay. We had some very busy days, I’m used to getting more rest. I returned home with a new found confidence in my abilities. I had been going through an overly critical phase where I was second guessing myself and listening to everyone else. Getting feedback is great, but only you know what is in your heart. I want to do what’s right, what’s best for me. Be patient and trust God to show you the way. The way will become clear, it always does. I hope so. I’ve realized why it’s easier to talk to my spirit guide, he’s an angel, he can’t hurt me. The only problem, he isn’t flesh and blood, so he can’t hold me, hug me or kiss me. Even angels aren’t perfect!

How is it that one minute we’re in paradise enjoying the sun and the next minute my mom is telling me my grandma isn’t doing well? It felt like the highest of highs then the lowest of lows. Life isn’t usually that dramatic. I was humbled again by my grandma’s passing. I thought she was going to live forever, it seemed like it. Here I was concerned with looking cute and getting likes on Facebook instead of paying attention to what really mattered. You’d think I’d learned my lesson after losing my dad. It was her time to go, there’s nothing you could’ve done. I know that. My mom and I went to the nursing home on Tuesday because the photo I wanted to use for her obituary was in an album in her room. Walking into her room and seeing the empty bed almost tore me apart. Knowing she was just there the day before and I would never get to hold her hand again was an awful feeling. It’s hard to lose someone you love. Yes, it is. The last time I saw her was in July, she was doing okay. My mom went to see her every week. Her health had been deteriorating over the last few months and I wasn’t aware of it. I was focused on my job. I’m thankful I got to see her one last time. She’s been so good to me and my brother. She helped both of us pay for college. We always went on fun family vacations. The fact that I didn’t visit her as much as I should have is something I have to live with. She wouldn’t be upset with me. My grandma is at peace now which brings me peace.

My grandma believed in love and forgiveness. She wouldn’t want me to be alone. As I looked around the funeral home, I realized almost all of my younger cousins had boyfriends or husbands there to comfort them. My life took a different path and I went through a very long healing journey. That’s no reason to still be alone now. I’m the source of my solitude. I have to put myself back out there again. I’m usually fine on my own, but that was one time when I really needed someone to be there for me. I didn’t cry the whole time. I thought I was going to be a mess. I held it together pretty well. The bravest thing to do is show your true emotions otherwise what’s the point. I’m grateful for the people who comforted me: my mom, brother, sister-in-law, aunts, cousins, and friends. They know how much my grandma meant to me. My friends, Christen and Will, who have known me for a long time, told me they’re proud of me and happy to see me flourishing. I’m talking about life in general now. Compared to how I was, all the things I’ve struggled with, I am doing better. The fight in me is strong. There’s still so much I want to accomplish. As I’ve said many times, healing is an ongoing process, it’s about doing the best we can right now. I’m learning how to be healthy and optimistic, brave and courageous, creative and adventurous.

This is a picture of Mary and Emma that my brother sent me a few weeks ago. Mary is hugging a tiny pumpkin! She has a lot of love in her heart. Another picture of Mary at a pumpkin patch around here. She found a good pumpkin. She’s a country girl at heart! 🙂

Take care and be well,
Julie

I’ve decided to combine July and August since I’ve gotten so far behind. I was thinking about taking a break from blogging, but you don’t quit the things that are working. It’s okay to step away for awhile, it just has to be for the right reasons like focusing on another creative project. The wrong reasons are: fear, self-doubt or thinking my words don’t matter. Those reasons need to be faced and challenged. Writing is important to me, it’s my calling even though it drives me nuts sometimes. These words, what do they matter? A great deal, I suppose. I’m a weaver of words, a teller of tales. For awhile, I didn’t know what to say or rather what needed to be said. My blog works best when I’m being honest, when it’s like a normal conversation. When I start trying to control it or censor myself, the magic and excitement are lost. My writing has become much stronger. I wrote my first blog post in November of 2016. I’ve published 74 posts since then, this one will be 75. Doing something for the sheer love of it speaks volumes and is a reward in and of itself. My mom gave me a compliment, she told me that I’m a good writer. Getting a compliment from her is something, she doesn’t just throw them around. The only thing I’ve ever been good at is soccer lol. I’m still thinking about joining an indoor soccer team.

I want to set the record straight because there has been some speculation. I don’t have a secret boyfriend hiding out somewhere. First of all, I can’t keep a secret, if I had a boyfriend y’all would know about him. It had something to do with a comment my mom made on my FB post. She said, “btw, they won.” I know, I was sitting right there lol. I’m not going to miss the end of the game. Maybe I was okay with people thinking I was seeing someone, it makes me seem less pathetic. It’s actually more pathetic to continue dating when all I was doing was getting hurt, hurting people or making bad decisions. Maybe all of that is part of dating. We make mistakes in order to learn and grow so we can do better next time. I feel like I’ve gotten stronger. I’ve been focused on my job which I still find rewarding. The joy of helping people and the feeling of self-worth is worth more than the paycheck, although the paycheck is nice too. Now that I have a handle on my job, I could start dating again. I’m going to look for compatibility, chemistry, availability, respect, and friendship as the foundation. All of that sounds great, but if you still have walls up to keep them out, it won’t matter. I know, I need to stop running away from a deeper connection and let someone get close to me. When it’s time, not prematurely or haphazardly. I’ve never had a guy over to my apartment. I’m very protective of my time and space which is a good thing since I can be a bit naive sometimes.

So it wasn’t always their fault, I had a lot of armor around my heart. That still doesn’t make the wrong person right or I have to like someone more than I do just to give them a chance. I also don’t have to put up with rude, disrespectful behavior or the really annoying fake nice, condescending tone. Most of them are just trying to get laid and they take the shortest route possible. I move much slower and often get left behind. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’m a very honest person. I can’t fake what I’m feeling. When it comes to dating, I need to hold onto my cards instead of laying them down. Cue the Kenny Rogers’ song, The Gambler, lol. I need to stop giving my power away. For the longest time, I didn’t want a guy in my life and that’s the vibe I was putting out there. Now, I feel somewhat differently. I have to figure out how to create space in my life for someone else. I don’t know why I’m so afraid. When someone cares about you, they won’t take advantage of you, they want you to become strong and empowered. They’ll be happy that you have dreams and goals. I realize that now. This time, I’ll be able to say that I have a job, I won’t have to explain the past because I’ve made peace with it. I was putting my self-worth into their hands by asking them if I was good enough. I felt like being a survivor made me less than, like it was something I had to apologize for. That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. You should be proud of yourself. I am proud of myself.

“Another rainy Saturday.” I said to my coworker. He looked out the window and said, “It stopped raining.” He’s right, it stopped raining many years ago and I still find myself getting stuck there. It might be helpful for me to see a therapist who specializes in PTSD. This year started off badly. I wasn’t happy working at the clothing store and decided to quit my job. Instead of seeing it as a success, I saw it as a failure. Hitting rock bottom is painful, yet it can be a very powerful turning point where we’re forced to grow up and take responsibility. If we do the work and make changes, we’re redirected to something better. Like a puzzle, God helps us put the pieces in the right place. Something shifted for me at the conference in April. I felt hopeful and inspired, like no matter what happened I was going to be okay. I don’t want to lose what I’ve worked so hard to gain – my peace of mind, my strength, my relationship with God. Healing is a continual process. It’s easy to slip back into old ways of being and choose people who allow us to re-experience the chaos and dysfunction we experienced growing up. We’re trying to resolve the past but that way creates more pain. We have to live consciously: communicate honestly, love ourselves unconditionally, and develop functional boundaries. We heal our wounds of abandonment any time we protect our inner child from harm and get our needs met in a healthy way. We think that life without drama will be boring, it’s not, manipulation and heartbreak are incredibly boring.

I think September is going to be a fun month. I’m going to two music concerts and on a family vacation to a very warm destination. I’m looking forward to spending time with my family especially my two nieces. 🙂 🙂 I want to make good choices. Sometimes the wisest choice is to give in to what your heart desires. I don’t know about that. At the end of day, we just want to be heard and understood. We want to feel like someone cares which is risky because they can take that away, but anything that isn’t given freely isn’t worth having anyway. I have faith that I can find my way, I always do. That’s the beauty of life – we can do anything we want within reason. Sometimes the best things happen when we are a bit outside of reason, a bit out of our minds. Perhaps, I’ve become too careful. Somebody told me my problem is that I act like a nun. They said it jokingly but in some ways they’re right. I’ve been trying to get back into my body. I wanted to say, you go through chemotherapy and radiation and see what you act like. I’d rather be a nun than a slut. Nobody wants something that’s easy to take. I’d rather have something sacred than something that falls apart after a few months. I need to get back out there. I’m going to try to meet five more guys by the end of the year or by my birthday. That sounds reasonable. I still need to decide on which dating site. They’re all the same. I guess so.

Recently, I saw a red bird and a rainbow in the space of a few minutes. Based on the book I was reading, those are examples of heavenly comfort. I also see some amazing sunsets on my way home from work. The stronger my faith becomes, the more self-love I have because God is love. The more I can tap into that power, the more power I have. God sees the best in me. Friends are like that, they remind us that we are special and we are loved. Good memories are like little crystals we can carry around with us. A crystal is see-through, there isn’t any cloudiness. Love is like that, it doesn’t have a hidden agenda. Love doesn’t hold grudges. Love that walks as light – these are the light bearers. Freedom should be free and peace shouldn’t be fought over, but in our society things get messed up and it takes time for them to be made right again. Do I ever get upset with God because I want to take a different path? Yes, of course, but His will doesn’t cause me harm. Wait a second, the cancer caused me harm, so there is darkness in the light. What matters is which side you choose. God teaches humility and service not mischief and foolishness. God wants us to be brave, he wants us to love, he gives us the tools, he gives us the means but instead of protecting each other we start wars to protect our greed, to protect our fears, to protect our sorrow. That’s depressing. Thank God for the angels who always help us find our way back home.

My affirmations for September:

GOD IS MY LIGHT AND HIS LIGHT HEALS. IT IS EASY FOR ME TO RECEIVE THE LOVE THAT IS MEANT FOR ME. I HAVE A BRAVE, BRILLIANT, BEAUTIFUL SOUL.

Take care,

Julie

Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief, the details of my sex life will not be discussed in this post. Of course, I’ll find something equally disturbing to talk about lol. Do I like drama? It sure seems like it. I sat here for a good twenty minutes deciding whether or not to hit the publish button. I usually don’t have that struggle. I’m usually glad the post is done because it takes effort to make it good. I know it was too much information and probably made a few people uncomfortable. My bad. Obviously, that’s what was up for me and my heart was hurting. Oh, but God wasn’t done teaching me lessons. I’ll get to that later. June became a month of getting re-centered. The perfect job fell into my lap and I’m very grateful. Yes, I’m overqualified, it doesn’t pay a lot, but I’m happy to be there. That’s important. I don’t feel out of place or stressed out. I get overwhelmed at times because there are so many books to shelve. I’m the type of person who wants to get everything done, yet it’s more important to shelve accurately than quickly. I get there on time because I want to be there. I have certain things I have to get done, but I don’t have someone breathing down my neck and getting mad if I have to go to the restroom. I don’t feel pressured to sell stuff. I’m definitely not bored because we stay busy.

I realized the reason I like putting things in order is because it gives me a feeling of being in control. When a person goes through an episode of powerlessness, like getting diagnosed with cancer and going through treatment, the mind can gravitate towards activities that bring relief. We have a section of books, fiction and non-fiction, that are new releases. They can only be checked out for 14 days. I also shelve DVDs, CDs, audiobooks, and magazines. I’m still learning the library. I don’t always know the answer when I get asked questions, so I ask my coworkers who have been very helpful. Many of them are retired school teachers or have a library science degree. When I can find the book they are looking for, it makes me feel good. Kids can get pretty upset when we don’t have the book they want, a whole library of books, but they have to have that one book. I’ve had to build up an immunity to Iocaine powder, just kidding, lol, to dust and allergens. My first week there, I was coming home wheezing and it felt like I was allergic to something. Luckily, that isn’t happening anymore. I have to be careful about picking up germs so that I’m not constantly getting sick. I’ve been using hand sanitizer or washing my hands every hour or two just to be on the safe side.

Overall, I feel good about my job. I have five 4-hour shifts. I have a set schedule, it’s the same every week. I took Neil’s shifts because he got promoted to library assistant. Counting me, there are five Pages. At first, I wondered why don’t we have four 5-hour shifts which would give us three days off instead of two. I think it’s because shelving for five hours could be too much. My supervisor, Melody, lost her husband to brain cancer the same year we lost my dad to lung cancer. I have a feeling they’re in heaven smiling down at us. The director, Sarah, and the other supervisor, Emily, are women. It’s the first time I’ve worked somewhere where the people in charge aren’t men. It’s a completely different vibe. My job gives me a routine and more income. I have to get things done now rather than putting them off. I have to get dressed and leave the house even when I don’t feel like it. At this point, it’s up to me to do things that contribute to my health. Being around people and being of service makes me feel better. I haven’t spoken much about being a survivor with my coworkers but I think most of them know. I feel accepted and supported. I’m working to prove to myself that the cancer didn’t win. I can have a life and be free from that nightmare.

I’m on my phone too much, he was right, it’s a distraction. Most of the time, it’s not productive. I haven’t been on any more dates nor have I set up a dating profile. I’m lonely again. I’ve retreated into my shell which is fine, but it feels like a step backwards. I shouldn’t let what happened deter me from trusting men again. I’m not the type of person who takes that lightly. Intimacy is sacred to me and it wasn’t in that situation. The abrupt ending was difficult for me, but I don’t question God nor do wish things to be different. Tbh, I was a bit relieved that it was over. I was on OkCupid. Now, I’m thinking about trying Plenty of Fish, Tinder or Zoosk. I haven’t looked at any of them yet. I’m curious to try Tinder because of all the things I’ve heard about it, good and bad. I won’t know until I look at them which one seems right. This month, I celebrated my 9 year cancerversary! I saw a quote, “That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.” I am where I am now because I did the work. I did the grieving and with it comes healing. You can ask my neighbor who over the last five years has heard me bawling my eyes out. I’ve doubted whether I should keep the faith. Am I silly to trust God? I got disheartened and wondered if I’d ever find my way again.

I just kept thinking life would be easier if I weren’t a cancer survivor. When I question God’s methods, it feels like I’m slapping Him in the face. Those were my lessons to learn. All of that has made me stronger not weaker. Even the fatigue, which slows me down, allows me to appreciate the beauty around me. I used to have low self-esteem, not that it’s super high now but it’s higher than it was. Self-love gives us the ability to break bad habits and create a better life. We have to speak our truth even if we look the fool. I’d rather look the fool than wear a mask. Failure is just as important as success. How else would we learn? God brings the right people and situations into our life. I used to wonder why my path looked different. Our paths are supposed to look different – our souls have different missions. I remember when I fought with my parents to let me move to Colorado with Ian so we could attend Naropa. I remember fighting with my mom to let me hire Morgan’s team to edit the book. We have to fight for what we want, for what we feel in our hearts and know to be true in our souls. I need to keep fighting for my dreams. For many years, I’ve felt like a disappointment. It wasn’t until I met the first group of survivors that I realized my struggles were normal. Cancer had changed their lives too, but they weren’t bitter about it. Instead, they chose to rise above it and thrive.

I need to clarify something I wrote last month. I said, “I have my nieces and I love them dearly.” I don’t have my nieces. I have nieces. They live in Utah with my brother, David, and sister-in-law, Kristine. Happy 1st birthday Mary! 🙂 I forgot to start with the affirmations. I’m only sharing two this month. As I’ve said all along, repeating one or two is more effective than trying to say or remember a bunch of them, unless you’re reading a daily inspirational paragraph then that’s different. STOP-BREATHE-GROUND. I’LL FIGURE IT OUT. The first one is great because it can be used to prevent an anxiety attack. The second one is more of a confidence booster. I get excited when I see one I haven’t seen before or a different version. I’m funny. Who gets excited about affirmations? Me. Lol. I’ve been using both of them and they’re pretty effective. I had planned to use some of this post to write about my survivor trip to Hocking Hills, but I didn’t go because I got sick and stayed home. I missed an opportunity to rock climb and make new friends. It was an FDTribs weekend. Some of you know what that is, survivors who have been on an FD1 trip. My local alumni group is the Cleveland Tributary. Hopefully, I can join them next time. So, what happened?

On Friday, I woke up with a bad headache, I figured it was just my period headache because it was time for Aunt Flo to visit me. I felt dizzy and nauseous which usually isn’t the case. I hadn’t been drinking. I wasn’t hungover. I had gotten a good night sleep. I was apprehensive about going, which is normal, yet I always have a great time. The weather was going to be really hot for hiking and rock climbing. I knew we’d be in the shade and to drink plenty of water. I’ve been to Hocking Hills before with my mom, brother, and grandma. I remember the pretty waterfalls. It was going to be a two hour drive. I wasn’t worried about driving, I’ve driven across the country a few times. I had a full tank of gas and my CDs picked out to listen to in the car so I wouldn’t fiddle with the radio. I was almost finished packing, I just had to throw my clothes in my duffle bag. I was going to leave at 3pm since we were supposed to be there between 5-7pm. Even though some of the climbs were slightly terrifying last time, I enjoyed climbing and being in nature. When I’m naturally good at something or catch on quickly, it strengthens my confidence. I was looking forward to another adventure.

I forced myself into the shower and barely made it through before I started to feel like I was going to throw up. Now, I don’t throw up very often. It’s one of my least favorite things to do. I quickly put a bath towel down in front of the toilet because I don’t like to touch the floor especially being naked and clean. I’ll spare you the details, but I threw up more than several times and it was very unpleasant. It’s during these moments of anguish when we’re thinking most clearly. We start bargaining with God. I’ll stop doing this or that. I’ll change my ways. We think of the amends we need to make or things we want to do. Maybe it’s just me. It takes sickness to appreciate health. We can see what really matters. Luckily, after about an hour or two, I started feeling a little better. I was able to drink some green tea and eat some oatmeal. I didn’t have much strength or energy to get there. I contacted the lead guide and told him what happened. He told me not to worry and to feel better soon. I felt sick the whole weekend and didn’t get much done besides laundry. Sometimes, we have to pause, breathe, and regroup instead of rushing forward.

So what was the lesson? My first thought was that it was morning sickness. I bought a pregnancy test at the grocery store. My period is usually three days early. I wasn’t late but it hadn’t started yet. The test said that I’m not pregnant. I probably picked up a virus at work. Technically, there’s no way I could be pregnant since he had a vasectomy, but he had lied about so many things that I had become doubtful. I felt like God was saying, this is what happens when you don’t take care of yourself. We didn’t use protection and I’m not on the pill. I have a master’s degree and I still do incredibly stupid things. I also struggle with really simple things sometimes. Obviously, I need to get on birth control and practice safe sex so that I don’t have to worry about pregnancy or diseases. My next thought was that it could be the cancer coming back and for the love of God I need to stop drinking Pepsi and start giving a damn about my health. I need to become hard core healthy. That’s going to be my next obsession. There are worse things to get obsessed about than super foods and a plant based whole foods diet. Reduce sugar, dairy, meat and gluten. Find healthy alternatives. Make green juice and smoothies. How many times have I talked about this? Ugh.

The good news, I started my period. It was two days late, but it felt like an eternity. For a brief moment, I was excited about the thought of having a baby, but I don’t want to be a single mom and that’s what I would’ve been. I sound paranoid. I think it was sheer terror. Maybe I’m afraid of the good stuff, the stuff of dreams because I’ve gotten used to the shackles and excuses. I claim to be free, but what is freedom? I claim to love, but where is my devotion? I claim to be brave, but where is the proof? I claim to be kind and then gossip about each one. I don’t intend to push people away nor cause myself misery. I have trouble letting people get close to me. I try to have good intentions. We all have addictions and defense mechanisms. I was afraid to fall, to be consumed with passion. I was afraid to risk it all. Love is safety, it isn’t destruction. It’s building a bridge. I want to be brave from now on, not stupid, brave, there’s a difference. I’m going to be nicer this time which will make dating much more enjoyable. I feel happy and it’s not because of someone or something, although it’s many people and many things. I feel blessed. God is good.

I thought of something else last night and now this post is getting long. I need to be happy for people who have found their person, the person that makes them happy. Why would I want to be with someone who isn’t into me? That makes no sense. I’m going to be patient and proactive in my search for love and connection. I need to realize which ones are wasting my time and cut them loose. I need to be myself because the right guy will like me just as I am. I won’t have to change or become someone else. I won’t feel like a fish out of water, I’ll still be able to breathe. I won’t feel like I’m not good enough, he’ll reassure me that I am okay. With the right person, you can’t mess it up. I know many of you think I’m too picky, but I know what I want and need and deserve. I have faith in God and His timing. Once again Garth Brooks’ lyrics ring true, “Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” It dawned on me that it wasn’t so much his love that I wanted, just love in general. And that’s fine, we all need love and affection. I don’t want to be with someone just to say I have someone, that isn’t cool either. I’m going to stop pushing them away and being overly judgmental, but I’m not going to settle or lower my standards. Someday, my guy will choose me, and it won’t be because I hung the moon or painted the stars although he’ll think I have, it’ll be because he sees my light and I can see his, and when we’re together our lights shine brighter.

Take care and be well,

Julie

(photo courtesy of my mom, great picture!)

Once again, I didn’t think I’d have anything to write about this month. Boy, was I wrong. I’m going to be more candid than I’ve ever been because I need to be honest about what happened. It was a big step for me and although it didn’t work out with him, I’ve learned a lot. It’s given me a starting point and I’m proud of myself. Several things happened, I got tired of pining away for someone. It was like a light bulb went off and I realized how silly I had been to care about someone who wasn’t putting me first. This prompted me to take a chance with someone new. I got tired of being alone, my body finally won the battle over my mind. You’ll have to read on until the end because there are other things I must write about first. I’m going to list the affirmations now. Positive self-talk is a great place to start.

I’m getting stronger every day. I can do this! I’m deserving of my dreams. I’ve discovered that I am fierce. I own my power. I choose what I become. It’s easy for me to say, “Yes.” It’s easy for me to say, “No, thanks.” I am good enough. I am a brave warrior.

Something shifted for me, maybe it had something to do with the abrupt weather change. I went to a few more job interviews. I’ve gotten better at them. They don’t make me as nervous. I have faith in God that I’ll find a job that is right for me. I need to stop being so picky. Job interviews are very humbling like when the senior citizens used to lap me at the mall when I was trying to regain my strength. They have to pick the best candidate and sometimes it isn’t me, which doesn’t make me any less of a person but it’s hard not to take it personally. I shake that off because it’s not something I’ve chosen. I’m doing better than I was. I’ve gained so much inner strength and wisdom. I’m beginning to understand how God’s plan is bigger than my plan. It’s only when they are in alignment, for my highest good, that I experience true flow and serenity. I went to a cancer survivor support group that I’d been meaning to go to for awhile now. It’s only seven minutes away from my apartment. It was a good experience. I look forward to the next meeting.

I met three more guys from the dating site: Joey #8, Jason #9 and Chad #10. Why am I numbering them? Because I’m still trying to meet the challenge and I’m proud of myself for meeting ten guys. Even though it’s taken almost a year, I consider it progress. My three month membership ended. I’ll probably try another site and wrestle a few more alligators lol. I don’t know if I’ll make it to #15. It’s possible I could meet someone before then and form a relationship. The idea was to keep my options open, see what’s out there and not fall in love right away which is easier said than done. The heart is a pesky thing because it feels what it does. I need to bring my brain along with me. I’m more in touch with my emotions than I think. If both people are falling it’s okay to fall, but if only one of you is falling you’re gonna get hurt. Sometimes, even when both of you are falling, they reach for a ledge and stop falling. Communication is key, when that goes, everything goes. My friend, Jenny, was right when she told me, “Just pick one, you don’t have to marry him.” I was being too picky. There isn’t a perfect person, even with the best of intentions they can let you down because their heart belongs to someone else.

I’ll start with Joey. We’ve been talking on and off since February. We only had one date. We don’t look like we go together. Even the waiter said, “This is on separate checks, right?” Joey has a lot of tattoos. He’s very punk rock. His dog died recently, so I’m worried my allergies would bother me if I went to his place. He’s a sweet guy, but his main concern is getting laid. We both have OCD, but his manifests differently. We’re both sensitive and I think that’s how we get along. We meet people whom we have things in common with, but it doesn’t mean they’re the person for us. When we get rejected, it’s not because there’s anything wrong with us, it’s because there’s someone better suited for us. Dating is a learning experience. I ordered the Blue October tickets thinking he would go with me or that I could easily find someone who liked the band. I wanted to see them in concert again. Joey basically said he didn’t want to go because we weren’t sleeping together. He also didn’t want to spend $40 because he doesn’t like them very much. I asked a few more friends and they had other plans. I was starting to panic. I asked a few of the guys I had pushed away, felt silly for asking them, and probably wouldn’t have had a good time. Luckily, they also declined.

What happened next is kind of interesting. I had started talking with another guy, Jason, and up until that point we had only been texting. I was starting to like him or at least I didn’t not like him. I accidentally called him one day while I was walking with my mom. I had my phone in the front pocket of my green shorts. I kept taking it out to take pictures. The next time I put it in my pocket, it must’ve somehow dialed him. My mom and I both heard someone saying, “Hello, hello.” We finally realized the voice was coming from my pocket. I took the phone out and looked at the screen. I was happy to see his name. My phone could’ve called anyone. We laughed that is was God who had called him. I was hesitant but excited to get to know him. He’s been through some tough times and has a lot of baggage. I seem to attract guys who need therapy or maybe it’s the healer part of me. I think God was more like, “I’ll bring you a penis, it won’t be the right penis, but because you’re so arrogant and impatient, I’m gonna teach you a lesson. You’re gonna get in over your head because you’re getting ahead of yourself. And then you’re gonna have to do things in the order in which they should be done.” But I’m skipping ahead.

We talked on the phone a few more times. I asked him if he liked Blue October. He did. It got to be the night before the concert and I asked him if he would go with me. I was worried he’d say no or I’d be nervous or it would be awkward. I didn’t want to drive to Clifton by myself because that area can be dangerous. I picked him up because he was on the way and he doesn’t have a car. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be attracted to him, but I was. The concert was awesome. I was surprised at how much chemistry we had. I enjoyed kissing him. I felt safe and comfortable which was odd because I barely knew him. Jason goes to AA meetings, he doesn’t like NA, although he was addicted to drugs not alcohol. “NA is for hookups,” he said. “There are more old-timers in AA.” I replied. I used to work at a drug and alcohol treatment center. I was impressed because it seemed like he was working the steps and trying to stay sober, but then he drank three beers which didn’t seem right. Usually when you’re in recovery, you abstain from all substances, you don’t get to pick and choose. He also smokes cigarettes and when we were together, I would smoke too. Obviously, I don’t need to be smoking cigarettes. I needed someone who knows what they’re doing in bed, and I knew he wouldn’t fail me in that department.

The next night, Saturday, I went out with Chad. We had made plans earlier in the week so even though I had a good time with Jason, I felt like I should still meet him. Chad is divorced and has two daughters. I soon learned that even on his kid-free nights, he still goes to their games and activities. His world pretty much revolves around them. It made me wonder whether I have space in my heart to be a mom to someone else’s kids. Not that that would happen right away and I think with the right person it could be okay. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want kids right now. I have my nieces and I love them dearly. I’ve never dated someone with kids. I’m used to being someone’s top priority. Even the nice guys can be mean sometimes. He made two condescending remarks about my situation. “Have fun staring at your phone screen all day.” I don’t stare at my phone screen all day. When he gets sick and has to stay home from work, he gets bored sitting around watching television and looks forward to going back to work. First of all, I’m not recovering from strep throat, the things I deal with are chronic. I look forward to going back to work because it’s good for me in many ways. Could I be doing more? Sure. I’m already very hard on myself, I don’t need your unsolicited criticism.

Secondly, I don’t have a television. I made a decision five years ago that I didn’t want one because I wanted to focus on writing. People who don’t struggle with anything seem to have less compassion. Sometimes what our work is for a time period doesn’t look like normal work. And yet, he thinks I’m amazing because of everything I’ve been through. I am amazing, but I’m also human and imperfect. He did what I’ve done to so many guys, he put me up on a pedestal. When you put someone on a pedestal, it gives them no room to move freely. I don’t want unwarranted praise. You fight cancer because you have to, anyone would fight in that situation. You have to be brave and it’ll make you stronger. But for every brave move I made, I’ve made a dozen cowardly ones which is why compliments can feel insincere coming from someone who doesn’t know me. I’m not trying to downplay my accomplishments or minimize what I’m been through. He came on strong which felt suffocating. He read a bunch of my blog posts and asked me a bunch of questions. At first, I was flattered, but then it was annoying. You’d think I’d enjoy the attention since I’m so self-absorbed. In some ways, it’s not my fault. Trauma changes people. Self-care requires a lot of self-focus. I want people in my life. I want meaning and purpose too.

I’m not saying it makes you a better human to have struggled, oftentimes, it makes a person worse. If I had the choice, I wouldn’t have gotten cancer and had my life change dramatically. I’m also not saying I want to be with someone who is damaged or broken. I want to be with someone who is working on themselves and when they’re wrong they can swallow their pride and admit it. It’s similar to how I idolize rock stars, they’ve probably made a ton of mistakes they aren’t proud of and feel weary of praise. It’s okay to have heroes. We need inspiration in our lives. I’m not one-dimensional. I’m a whole person. I got the feeling he wouldn’t understand my darkness because it’s still there, no matter how much light I bring in and cultivate. That’s not a bad thing, it’s the reality of being human. I’m not a naturally optimistic person, it’s something I have to work on. You think I’m pushing him away because he’s a nice guy. No, I want a nice guy. He also has to have a backbone. When a man is too passive, I end up walking all over him. I need a strong man. He doesn’t have to have survived cancer, but he will have survived other trials. Love is exciting and passionate, it’s also calm and clear. It isn’t settling for someone because they’re available. Hell, fast food is available that doesn’t mean I’m going to choose it for dinner every night.

I’ve been complaining about how guys just want sex and here I was finally getting some conversation and I didn’t even want it. I’m a mess lol. I’m a man-eater lol. I need both. Chad is very religious and reserved. Unlike Joey, he wasn’t leading with sex. He was attracted to me, but he didn’t want to be offensive or cross the line. Compared to other guys, Chad was so far from crossing the line, he was in another country. I told him that and how it’s okay to flirt more with women, we actually like it. From the beginning, I wasn’t physically attracted to him. My feelings remained lukewarm and I don’t think that’s enough to build on. I like a tall guy, but at 6’5″ he towered over me which made me feel uncomfortable. Maybe he would do better with a taller woman. I thought I was tall lol. Next to him, I felt short. His advances were respectful, but I didn’t encourage him. He tried to kiss me at the end of date but I had just kissed Jason the night before, so I stopped him. This was getting out of hand. All of sudden, I had become Julie hot lips lol. Kudos to me for two dates in two nights! Perhaps, he would do better with someone who also has kids. Just like I found Jason to be exciting, Chad found me exciting. Or maybe with certain people we feel like we can be free or they bring out a side of us we keep repressed.

So what happened with Jason? We had sex on our second date. Hallelujah. Lol. The only problem, well, there were several problems. We didn’t use lube and he was too big for me. Even before cancer, he might’ve been too big. At least I was drinking some alcohol and that loosened me up. Things have changed down there. I didn’t want to be a disappointment. I didn’t want to disappoint the guy. I was worried a penis wouldn’t go in there. It was partly psychological and partly physical. I knew the chemotherapy had shrunk it and yet I wasn’t doing anything to stretch it out. My friends have husbands or boyfriends, they didn’t wait so long before becoming sexually active again. I never had any problems before and it made me sick to stomach to think I would let someone down. I know how important sex is to guys, it’s all they think about. I didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t know how to deal with it. And I didn’t have to deal with it until I realized there was something missing from my life. Sharing that experience with someone is amazing and it should feel good.

I had to tell someone what happened, who would listen without judgment, so I told my survivor friend Rachael. Thanks! And then I told my mom, she wasn’t as mad as I thought she would be. It bled a bit afterwards which kind of freaked me out. I spotted for a few days. I’ve had a tiny bit of pain which leads me to believe there could be a very small tear. In some ways, it’s a setback because I have to let it heal before I can try out my fake penises, lol. I went to the Hustler store and bought a dilator kit and lube. Luckily, the girl working there helped me decide what to buy. She was very nice. Once again, I was humbled. I wanted to get the regular-sized vibrator but after telling her what happened she said I had better start with the set and work my way up to the normal size. I should’ve told her I don’t have any patience, but she probably already surmised that. I thought a dilator was more like what they use during a pap smear. I’m glad it’s not. The dilator kit looks like exactly what I need and a portion of the proceeds goes to the Living Beyond Breast Cancer organization. Update, I’m feeling much better. My body is an amazing healer.

I’ve always been somewhat disconnected from my body and out of touch with my feminine power. This is making me heal the one thing I’ve neglected because I want intimacy again. My body needs to be treated with love and care, putting myself in that situation even though I was a willing participant was very ignorant. This isn’t easy to talk about. Of course, my mom said, “Do not write about that on your blog.” She’s right, it isn’t anyone’s business, but I don’t have to be embarrassed or ashamed or nonchalant about it. If I had gotten back in touch with my sexuality five years ago, I wouldn’t be stumbling now. My words, my truth, my journey, that’s what I have to give, that’s what I can contribute. If this blog is to be therapeutic, a healing place, I have to be honest about what I’m going through. We are healed by the truth. Lies are like prisons we trap ourselves in.

I had just attended an informative class called “Sex after Cancer” at the conference in Denver. The lady teaching the class was like, “Use a dilator first, don’t just let him ram his penis in there.” What do I do? Ugh. He was gentle for the most part, we took it slow, but I had no business starting with a penis of that size and without lube. I had never used lube before. I thought it was oily, it’s more like the consistency of hand sanitizer. It had gotten to the point where I couldn’t wait any longer. I was craving intimacy and affection. The first time was probably not going to be pleasant with anyone. If he had had a smaller penis and used lube, it wouldn’t have been as painful and frustrating. I’m resilient, hopefully, my vajajay is too. It could be better than I think, it could be worse. I don’t know yet. How could I have gone this long without it? I was focused on other things. I added it to my list of things to be bitter about. Bitterness is the problem, it’s not a solution.

Let me preface this by saying, I don’t think Jason is a bad guy and he has to do what’s best for him. This is why you don’t sleep with someone right away, you don’t know them well enough. That was Thursday. On Friday, he wanted me to pick him up, go out for drinks, lotion me down, and go to sleep together. I told him I didn’t feel like going out because I needed to rest. He seemed really agitated and was acting different. Before we hung up, he told me we were a couple and that I was his girl. He said he wasn’t talking to anyone else and not to worry about anything. I never pressured him into a relationship. I was happy to be dating but since we had become intimate, we decided to be exclusive. Maybe dating doesn’t even exist. Guys seem to think the second date is the sex date. It’s not. It should be after 3-5 dates or more. If you do it too soon, it can feel like you’re using each other. I called him later that night to make sure he was okay because I was concerned about him. It went straight to voice mail, so I figured he had gone out with someone else.

The next day, he posted something on Facebook about how he’s in love with a girl named Ashley. In some ways, it didn’t surprise me. Whenever we talked, I always got the feeling there was someone else. There was. Jason has a long distance girlfriend who very recently made the decision to move here to be with him because they are in love. That’s who was always texting him while we were talking even though he said it was his sister. I find it hard to believe she just decided to move here. Most people don’t make major life decisions on a whim, there’s a lot of planning involved. You’re probably wondering how I could’ve been so stupid and why did I sleep with him? The final thing that swayed my decision, he had a vasectomy which took the pregnancy worry off the table. He’s 38 and has four kids. In some ways, I threw myself at him, so I can’t blame him, but that doesn’t make his dishonesty okay or negate the fact that he was betraying her.

I got blindsided. I got my feelings hurt because we shared that experience. I was starting to like him even though his cologne, which smelled good, probably would’ve driven me crazy. I feel like an idiot for believing him, but he seemed really sincere. I hope he treats her good from now on. They seem happy together. She thinks the world of him. Jason is a fun guy. He’s an Aries. He’s never read my blog, he didn’t even know what kind of cancer I had. God brings people into our lives, sometimes they don’t stay very long and it’s a blessing in disguise. Trust your intuition, it won’t lead you astray. Our intuition is the smartest part of us because it precedes thought, it’s more feeling based and accurate since it’s connected to the soul. I don’t know the whole story, I didn’t want to hear his voice and more lies. I pushed almost all of the other guys away, the one I chose still betrayed me. I should kick his ass, but I won’t. He apologized and I’ll be okay. I’m going to take a short break from dating. I need to do some healing. I don’t regret my choices even though it got me into trouble. Making choices is how we learn. God makes things right again. He always has, He always will.

Take care,

Julie