I decided to combine September and October since it’s already November. I need to figure out a new blogging schedule for 2019. I don’t know if doing them monthly is working. I could go back to focusing on a topic. Usually the topic presents itself, then share personal stuff that relates. I kinda do that now. I like to make connections and find meaning. I like to arrive at some kind of conclusion. Maybe you’re overthinking it, let the post be what it is.

I revised the July + August blog post so many times that it almost got overworked. I have a tendency to get preachy and philosophical which can sound boring and weird. You were staying on the surface of things because it’s easier. Maybe I was. The good stuff is found when you go deeper, when you leave your comfort zone. All of the things you worry about usually never come to pass. That’s true. I took out a paragraph which I later regretted because in doing so I didn’t acknowledge the effort someone made to reach out to me. You took it out because you were still mad at him. I knew I had made a mistake because it felt like I had betrayed myself. By not mentioning it, it was as if it didn’t happen or matter which couldn’t be further from the truth. Having it all scares the hell out of you. When it comes to love, you turn into a coward. I’m used to being this much happy or maybe this much sad. You’re used to not letting people love you. I decided I wasn’t going to talk about any of the guys and just write about myself. The problem with always focusing on yourself is that you become selfish. I want to start dating again. You shouldn’t have stopped dating. When I said I wanted to go out on a date with five more guys, he’s not excluded from that. I still care about him and he knows that. You weren’t ready back then. You used to have casual sex and not make a big deal out of it. It’s going to take time for intimacy to become a normal part of your life again. One more thing I have to work on. It’s only a chore if you make it a chore. Ugh.

I don’t remember the paragraph exactly and I feel silly talking about it now because it happened back in August. I was happy to get your message or maybe it gave me mixed feelings. It didn’t sound like you. Who knew you could be sweet? Oh wait, I remember, we won’t melt. After all this time, now that I’m doing better. Would it be better if you left me alone? I told myself that day I was going to stop thinking about you. Later that day, I got your text. I shouldn’t have been surprised, I guess I was yearning for you. I thought your message was a mirage and it was going to disappear like you did so many times. It wasn’t all your fault, I disappeared too. I had no idea hearing from you would bring up the pain I felt when you told me you were seeing someone else and just wanted to be friends. I was crushed. I took a hard look at myself and what I had become. I felt motivated to get back on my feet and create a life that made me happy. And then regardless of whether he came back or not it wouldn’t matter. But it did. Oh shut up. We talked a little bit more. It seemed like he wasn’t being honest with me again and that pissed me off. I put my walls back up and told him I just wanted to be friends. What good does it do to hold grudges? I let it go. I gave it to the ocean. Everything happened exactly as it was meant to happen. In a roundabout way you were forced to develop self-love. Yeah, after months of wishing I were someone else lol. It wasn’t until I started working at the library that I began to feel confident again. It was his loss, not mine. It was both of your losses. Only love counts as a win.

I don’t know why you’re talking about love, I thought it was friendship as the foundation? It is. Be friends, take it slow. I’m either way too slow or way too fast. Find the middle path. Okay. At the end of September, I went on a vacation with my family to Maui, Hawaii. It’s very beautiful there. I enjoyed the seeing the sunsets, palm trees, mountains, and waterfalls. The people on the island have a relaxed, friendly, peaceful way of being – I call it the aloha spirit. It takes a long time to get there, but it’s worth it. I had a great time! We did several fun activities: the Road to Hana, a traditional luau, and photo session on the beach. I enjoyed spending time with my nieces. Emma is very happy and energetic. She’s like a ray of sunshine. She’s smart and brave. She loves to swim. Emma will be four in March. Little Mary is also very happy, yet her energy is a bit more calm. Her nickname is Bear. She makes noises like a bear and loves to cuddle. When provoked, usually by her sister, she gets feisty and fights back. Mary will be two in June. She’s named after my grandma which at first I thought was a really bad idea. My mom is also named Mary and neither her nor my grandma like their name. Now I can’t imagine her being named anything else, it’s the perfect name for her. She’s strong and loving like my grandma. My nieces bring me a lot of joy. I look forward to seeing them in December.

I’ve heard Hawaii teaches you what you need to learn and if you aren’t being humble, it humbles you. There’s a lot of spiritual power on the island, you can feel it, touch it, sense it. Both times I’ve been there, I’ve had eye-opening, painful experiences. The first time with the sunburn, blister, and my foot swelling up so badly that I could barely walk on it. This time, I got really sick one day and was on the verge of collapse. It was a good reminder that if I continue to disregard my physical health, not eating or drinking enough, there will be consequences. It’s a good example of how I can be so disconnected from my body and just drag it along with me and expect everything to be okay. We had some very busy days, I’m used to getting more rest. I returned home with a new found confidence in my abilities. I had been going through an overly critical phase where I was second guessing myself and listening to everyone else. Getting feedback is great, but only you know what is in your heart. I want to do what’s right, what’s best for me. Be patient and trust God to show you the way. The way will become clear, it always does. I hope so. I’ve realized why it’s easier to talk to my spirit guide, he’s an angel, he can’t hurt me. The only problem, he isn’t flesh and blood, so he can’t hold me, hug me or kiss me. Even angels aren’t perfect!

How is it that one minute we’re in paradise enjoying the sun and the next minute my mom is telling me my grandma isn’t doing well? It felt like the highest of highs then the lowest of lows. Life isn’t usually that dramatic. I was humbled again by my grandma’s passing. I thought she was going to live forever, it seemed like it. Here I was concerned with looking cute and getting likes on Facebook instead of paying attention to what really mattered. You’d think I’d learned my lesson after losing my dad. It was her time to go, there’s nothing you could’ve done. I know that. My mom and I went to the nursing home on Tuesday because the photo I wanted to use for her obituary was in an album in her room. Walking into her room and seeing the empty bed almost tore me apart. Knowing she was just there the day before and I would never get to hold her hand again was an awful feeling. It’s hard to lose someone you love. Yes, it is. The last time I saw her was in July, she was doing okay. My mom went to see her every week. Her health had been deteriorating over the last few months and I wasn’t aware of it. I was focused on my job. I’m thankful I got to see her one last time. She’s been so good to me and my brother. She helped both of us pay for college. We always went on fun family vacations. The fact that I didn’t visit her as much as I should have is something I have to live with. She wouldn’t be upset with me. My grandma is at peace now which brings me peace.

My grandma believed in love and forgiveness. She wouldn’t want me to be alone. As I looked around the funeral home, I realized almost all of my younger cousins had boyfriends or husbands there to comfort them. My life took a different path and I went through a very long healing journey. That’s no reason to still be alone now. I’m the source of my solitude. I have to put myself back out there again. I’m usually fine on my own, but that was one time when I really needed someone to be there for me. I didn’t cry the whole time. I thought I was going to be a mess. I held it together pretty well. The bravest thing to do is show your true emotions otherwise what’s the point. I’m grateful for the people who comforted me: my mom, brother, sister-in-law, aunts, cousins, and friends. They know how much my grandma meant to me. My friends, Christen and Will, who have known me for a long time, told me they’re proud of me and happy to see me flourishing. I’m talking about life in general now. Compared to how I was, all the things I’ve struggled with, I am doing better. The fight in me is strong. There’s still so much I want to accomplish. As I’ve said many times, healing is an ongoing process, it’s about doing the best we can right now. I’m learning how to be healthy and optimistic, brave and courageous, creative and adventurous.

This is a picture of Mary and Emma that my brother sent me a few weeks ago. Mary is hugging a tiny pumpkin! She has a lot of love in her heart. Another picture of Mary at a pumpkin patch around here. She found a good pumpkin. She’s a country girl at heart! 🙂

Take care and be well,
Julie

I’ve decided to combine July and August since I’ve gotten so far behind. I was thinking about taking a break from blogging, but you don’t quit the things that are working. It’s okay to step away for awhile, it just has to be for the right reasons like focusing on another creative project. The wrong reasons are: fear, self-doubt or thinking my words don’t matter. Those reasons need to be faced and challenged. Writing is important to me, it’s my calling even though it drives me nuts sometimes. These words, what do they matter? A great deal, I suppose. I’m a weaver of words, a teller of tales. For awhile, I didn’t know what to say or rather what needed to be said. My blog works best when I’m being honest, when it’s like a normal conversation. When I start trying to control it or censor myself, the magic and excitement are lost. My writing has become much stronger. I wrote my first blog post in November of 2016. I’ve published 74 posts since then, this one will be 75. Doing something for the sheer love of it speaks volumes and is a reward in and of itself. My mom gave me a compliment, she told me that I’m a good writer. Getting a compliment from her is something, she doesn’t just throw them around. The only thing I’ve ever been good at is soccer lol. I’m still thinking about joining an indoor soccer team.

I want to set the record straight because there has been some speculation. I don’t have a secret boyfriend hiding out somewhere. First of all, I can’t keep a secret, if I had a boyfriend y’all would know about him. It had something to do with a comment my mom made on my FB post. She said, “btw, they won.” I know, I was sitting right there lol. I’m not going to miss the end of the game. Maybe I was okay with people thinking I was seeing someone, it makes me seem less pathetic. It’s actually more pathetic to continue dating when all I was doing was getting hurt, hurting people or making bad decisions. Maybe all of that is part of dating. We make mistakes in order to learn and grow so we can do better next time. I feel like I’ve gotten stronger. I’ve been focused on my job which I still find rewarding. The joy of helping people and the feeling of self-worth is worth more than the paycheck, although the paycheck is nice too. Now that I have a handle on my job, I could start dating again. I’m going to look for compatibility, chemistry, availability, respect, and friendship as the foundation. All of that sounds great, but if you still have walls up to keep them out, it won’t matter. I know, I need to stop running away from a deeper connection and let someone get close to me. When it’s time, not prematurely or haphazardly. I’ve never had a guy over to my apartment. I’m very protective of my time and space which is a good thing since I can be a bit naive sometimes.

So it wasn’t always their fault, I had a lot of armor around my heart. That still doesn’t make the wrong person right or I have to like someone more than I do just to give them a chance. I also don’t have to put up with rude, disrespectful behavior or the really annoying fake nice, condescending tone. Most of them are just trying to get laid and they take the shortest route possible. I move much slower and often get left behind. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’m a very honest person. I can’t fake what I’m feeling. When it comes to dating, I need to hold onto my cards instead of laying them down. Cue the Kenny Rogers’ song, The Gambler, lol. I need to stop giving my power away. For the longest time, I didn’t want a guy in my life and that’s the vibe I was putting out there. Now, I feel somewhat differently. I have to figure out how to create space in my life for someone else. I don’t know why I’m so afraid. When someone cares about you, they won’t take advantage of you, they want you to become strong and empowered. They’ll be happy that you have dreams and goals. I realize that now. This time, I’ll be able to say that I have a job, I won’t have to explain the past because I’ve made peace with it. I was putting my self-worth into their hands by asking them if I was good enough. I felt like being a survivor made me less than, like it was something I had to apologize for. That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. You should be proud of yourself. I am proud of myself.

“Another rainy Saturday.” I said to my coworker. He looked out the window and said, “It stopped raining.” He’s right, it stopped raining many years ago and I still find myself getting stuck there. It might be helpful for me to see a therapist who specializes in PTSD. This year started off badly. I wasn’t happy working at the clothing store and decided to quit my job. Instead of seeing it as a success, I saw it as a failure. Hitting rock bottom is painful, yet it can be a very powerful turning point where we’re forced to grow up and take responsibility. If we do the work and make changes, we’re redirected to something better. Like a puzzle, God helps us put the pieces in the right place. Something shifted for me at the conference in April. I felt hopeful and inspired, like no matter what happened I was going to be okay. I don’t want to lose what I’ve worked so hard to gain – my peace of mind, my strength, my relationship with God. Healing is a continual process. It’s easy to slip back into old ways of being and choose people who allow us to re-experience the chaos and dysfunction we experienced growing up. We’re trying to resolve the past but that way creates more pain. We have to live consciously: communicate honestly, love ourselves unconditionally, and develop functional boundaries. We heal our wounds of abandonment any time we protect our inner child from harm and get our needs met in a healthy way. We think that life without drama will be boring, it’s not, manipulation and heartbreak are incredibly boring.

I think September is going to be a fun month. I’m going to two music concerts and on a family vacation to a very warm destination. I’m looking forward to spending time with my family especially my two nieces. 🙂 🙂 I want to make good choices. Sometimes the wisest choice is to give in to what your heart desires. I don’t know about that. At the end of day, we just want to be heard and understood. We want to feel like someone cares which is risky because they can take that away, but anything that isn’t given freely isn’t worth having anyway. I have faith that I can find my way, I always do. That’s the beauty of life – we can do anything we want within reason. Sometimes the best things happen when we are a bit outside of reason, a bit out of our minds. Perhaps, I’ve become too careful. Somebody told me my problem is that I act like a nun. They said it jokingly but in some ways they’re right. I’ve been trying to get back into my body. I wanted to say, you go through chemotherapy and radiation and see what you act like. I’d rather be a nun than a slut. Nobody wants something that’s easy to take. I’d rather have something sacred than something that falls apart after a few months. I need to get back out there. I’m going to try to meet five more guys by the end of the year or by my birthday. That sounds reasonable. I still need to decide on which dating site. They’re all the same. I guess so.

Recently, I saw a red bird and a rainbow in the space of a few minutes. Based on the book I was reading, those are examples of heavenly comfort. I also see some amazing sunsets on my way home from work. The stronger my faith becomes, the more self-love I have because God is love. The more I can tap into that power, the more power I have. God sees the best in me. Friends are like that, they remind us that we are special and we are loved. Good memories are like little crystals we can carry around with us. A crystal is see-through, there isn’t any cloudiness. Love is like that, it doesn’t have a hidden agenda. Love doesn’t hold grudges. Love that walks as light – these are the light bearers. Freedom should be free and peace shouldn’t be fought over, but in our society things get messed up and it takes time for them to be made right again. Do I ever get upset with God because I want to take a different path? Yes, of course, but His will doesn’t cause me harm. Wait a second, the cancer caused me harm, so there is darkness in the light. What matters is which side you choose. God teaches humility and service not mischief and foolishness. God wants us to be brave, he wants us to love, he gives us the tools, he gives us the means but instead of protecting each other we start wars to protect our greed, to protect our fears, to protect our sorrow. That’s depressing. Thank God for the angels who always help us find our way back home.

My affirmations for September:

GOD IS MY LIGHT AND HIS LIGHT HEALS. IT IS EASY FOR ME TO RECEIVE THE LOVE THAT IS MEANT FOR ME. I HAVE A BRAVE, BRILLIANT, BEAUTIFUL SOUL.

Take care,

Julie

Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief, the details of my sex life will not be discussed in this post. Of course, I’ll find something equally disturbing to talk about lol. Do I like drama? It sure seems like it. I sat here for a good twenty minutes deciding whether or not to hit the publish button. I usually don’t have that struggle. I’m usually glad the post is done because it takes effort to make it good. I know it was too much information and probably made a few people uncomfortable. My bad. Obviously, that’s what was up for me and my heart was hurting. Oh, but God wasn’t done teaching me lessons. I’ll get to that later. June became a month of getting re-centered. The perfect job fell into my lap and I’m very grateful. Yes, I’m overqualified, it doesn’t pay a lot, but I’m happy to be there. That’s important. I don’t feel out of place or stressed out. I get overwhelmed at times because there are so many books to shelve. I’m the type of person who wants to get everything done, yet it’s more important to shelve accurately than quickly. I get there on time because I want to be there. I have certain things I have to get done, but I don’t have someone breathing down my neck and getting mad if I have to go to the restroom. I don’t feel pressured to sell stuff. I’m definitely not bored because we stay busy.

I realized the reason I like putting things in order is because it gives me a feeling of being in control. When a person goes through an episode of powerlessness, like getting diagnosed with cancer and going through treatment, the mind can gravitate towards activities that bring relief. We have a section of books, fiction and non-fiction, that are new releases. They can only be checked out for 14 days. I also shelve DVDs, CDs, audiobooks, and magazines. I’m still learning the library. I don’t always know the answer when I get asked questions, so I ask my coworkers who have been very helpful. Many of them are retired school teachers or have a library science degree. When I can find the book they are looking for, it makes me feel good. Kids can get pretty upset when we don’t have the book they want, a whole library of books, but they have to have that one book. I’ve had to build up an immunity to Iocaine powder, just kidding, lol, to dust and allergens. My first week there, I was coming home wheezing and it felt like I was allergic to something. Luckily, that isn’t happening anymore. I have to be careful about picking up germs so that I’m not constantly getting sick. I’ve been using hand sanitizer or washing my hands every hour or two just to be on the safe side.

Overall, I feel good about my job. I have five 4-hour shifts. I have a set schedule, it’s the same every week. I took Neil’s shifts because he got promoted to library assistant. Counting me, there are five Pages. At first, I wondered why don’t we have four 5-hour shifts which would give us three days off instead of two. I think it’s because shelving for five hours could be too much. My supervisor, Melody, lost her husband to brain cancer the same year we lost my dad to lung cancer. I have a feeling they’re in heaven smiling down at us. The director, Sarah, and the other supervisor, Emily, are women. It’s the first time I’ve worked somewhere where the people in charge aren’t men. It’s a completely different vibe. My job gives me a routine and more income. I have to get things done now rather than putting them off. I have to get dressed and leave the house even when I don’t feel like it. At this point, it’s up to me to do things that contribute to my health. Being around people and being of service makes me feel better. I haven’t spoken much about being a survivor with my coworkers but I think most of them know. I feel accepted and supported. I’m working to prove to myself that the cancer didn’t win. I can have a life and be free from that nightmare.

I’m on my phone too much, he was right, it’s a distraction. Most of the time, it’s not productive. I haven’t been on any more dates nor have I set up a dating profile. I’m lonely again. I’ve retreated into my shell which is fine, but it feels like a step backwards. I shouldn’t let what happened deter me from trusting men again. I’m not the type of person who takes that lightly. Intimacy is sacred to me and it wasn’t in that situation. The abrupt ending was difficult for me, but I don’t question God nor do wish things to be different. Tbh, I was a bit relieved that it was over. I was on OkCupid. Now, I’m thinking about trying Plenty of Fish, Tinder or Zoosk. I haven’t looked at any of them yet. I’m curious to try Tinder because of all the things I’ve heard about it, good and bad. I won’t know until I look at them which one seems right. This month, I celebrated my 9 year cancerversary! I saw a quote, “That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.” I am where I am now because I did the work. I did the grieving and with it comes healing. You can ask my neighbor who over the last five years has heard me bawling my eyes out. I’ve doubted whether I should keep the faith. Am I silly to trust God? I got disheartened and wondered if I’d ever find my way again.

I just kept thinking life would be easier if I weren’t a cancer survivor. When I question God’s methods, it feels like I’m slapping Him in the face. Those were my lessons to learn. All of that has made me stronger not weaker. Even the fatigue, which slows me down, allows me to appreciate the beauty around me. I used to have low self-esteem, not that it’s super high now but it’s higher than it was. Self-love gives us the ability to break bad habits and create a better life. We have to speak our truth even if we look the fool. I’d rather look the fool than wear a mask. Failure is just as important as success. How else would we learn? God brings the right people and situations into our life. I used to wonder why my path looked different. Our paths are supposed to look different – our souls have different missions. I remember when I fought with my parents to let me move to Colorado with Ian so we could attend Naropa. I remember fighting with my mom to let me hire Morgan’s team to edit the book. We have to fight for what we want, for what we feel in our hearts and know to be true in our souls. I need to keep fighting for my dreams. For many years, I’ve felt like a disappointment. It wasn’t until I met the first group of survivors that I realized my struggles were normal. Cancer had changed their lives too, but they weren’t bitter about it. Instead, they chose to rise above it and thrive.

I need to clarify something I wrote last month. I said, “I have my nieces and I love them dearly.” I don’t have my nieces. I have nieces. They live in Utah with my brother, David, and sister-in-law, Kristine. Happy 1st birthday Mary! 🙂 I forgot to start with the affirmations. I’m only sharing two this month. As I’ve said all along, repeating one or two is more effective than trying to say or remember a bunch of them, unless you’re reading a daily inspirational paragraph then that’s different. STOP-BREATHE-GROUND. I’LL FIGURE IT OUT. The first one is great because it can be used to prevent an anxiety attack. The second one is more of a confidence booster. I get excited when I see one I haven’t seen before or a different version. I’m funny. Who gets excited about affirmations? Me. Lol. I’ve been using both of them and they’re pretty effective. I had planned to use some of this post to write about my survivor trip to Hocking Hills, but I didn’t go because I got sick and stayed home. I missed an opportunity to rock climb and make new friends. It was an FDTribs weekend. Some of you know what that is, survivors who have been on an FD1 trip. My local alumni group is the Cleveland Tributary. Hopefully, I can join them next time. So, what happened?

On Friday, I woke up with a bad headache, I figured it was just my period headache because it was time for Aunt Flo to visit me. I felt dizzy and nauseous which usually isn’t the case. I hadn’t been drinking. I wasn’t hungover. I had gotten a good night sleep. I was apprehensive about going, which is normal, yet I always have a great time. The weather was going to be really hot for hiking and rock climbing. I knew we’d be in the shade and to drink plenty of water. I’ve been to Hocking Hills before with my mom, brother, and grandma. I remember the pretty waterfalls. It was going to be a two hour drive. I wasn’t worried about driving, I’ve driven across the country a few times. I had a full tank of gas and my CDs picked out to listen to in the car so I wouldn’t fiddle with the radio. I was almost finished packing, I just had to throw my clothes in my duffle bag. I was going to leave at 3pm since we were supposed to be there between 5-7pm. Even though some of the climbs were slightly terrifying last time, I enjoyed climbing and being in nature. When I’m naturally good at something or catch on quickly, it strengthens my confidence. I was looking forward to another adventure.

I forced myself into the shower and barely made it through before I started to feel like I was going to throw up. Now, I don’t throw up very often. It’s one of my least favorite things to do. I quickly put a bath towel down in front of the toilet because I don’t like to touch the floor especially being naked and clean. I’ll spare you the details, but I threw up more than several times and it was very unpleasant. It’s during these moments of anguish when we’re thinking most clearly. We start bargaining with God. I’ll stop doing this or that. I’ll change my ways. We think of the amends we need to make or things we want to do. Maybe it’s just me. It takes sickness to appreciate health. We can see what really matters. Luckily, after about an hour or two, I started feeling a little better. I was able to drink some green tea and eat some oatmeal. I didn’t have much strength or energy to get there. I contacted the lead guide and told him what happened. He told me not to worry and to feel better soon. I felt sick the whole weekend and didn’t get much done besides laundry. Sometimes, we have to pause, breathe, and regroup instead of rushing forward.

So what was the lesson? My first thought was that it was morning sickness. I bought a pregnancy test at the grocery store. My period is usually three days early. I wasn’t late but it hadn’t started yet. The test said that I’m not pregnant. I probably picked up a virus at work. Technically, there’s no way I could be pregnant since he had a vasectomy, but he had lied about so many things that I had become doubtful. I felt like God was saying, this is what happens when you don’t take care of yourself. We didn’t use protection and I’m not on the pill. I have a master’s degree and I still do incredibly stupid things. I also struggle with really simple things sometimes. Obviously, I need to get on birth control and practice safe sex so that I don’t have to worry about pregnancy or diseases. My next thought was that it could be the cancer coming back and for the love of God I need to stop drinking Pepsi and start giving a damn about my health. I need to become hard core healthy. That’s going to be my next obsession. There are worse things to get obsessed about than super foods and a plant based whole foods diet. Reduce sugar, dairy, meat and gluten. Find healthy alternatives. Make green juice and smoothies. How many times have I talked about this? Ugh.

The good news, I started my period. It was two days late, but it felt like an eternity. For a brief moment, I was excited about the thought of having a baby, but I don’t want to be a single mom and that’s what I would’ve been. I sound paranoid. I think it was sheer terror. Maybe I’m afraid of the good stuff, the stuff of dreams because I’ve gotten used to the shackles and excuses. I claim to be free, but what is freedom? I claim to love, but where is my devotion? I claim to be brave, but where is the proof? I claim to be kind and then gossip about each one. I don’t intend to push people away nor cause myself misery. I have trouble letting people get close to me. I try to have good intentions. We all have addictions and defense mechanisms. I was afraid to fall, to be consumed with passion. I was afraid to risk it all. Love is safety, it isn’t destruction. It’s building a bridge. I want to be brave from now on, not stupid, brave, there’s a difference. I’m going to be nicer this time which will make dating much more enjoyable. I feel happy and it’s not because of someone or something, although it’s many people and many things. I feel blessed. God is good.

I thought of something else last night and now this post is getting long. I need to be happy for people who have found their person, the person that makes them happy. Why would I want to be with someone who isn’t into me? That makes no sense. I’m going to be patient and proactive in my search for love and connection. I need to realize which ones are wasting my time and cut them loose. I need to be myself because the right guy will like me just as I am. I won’t have to change or become someone else. I won’t feel like a fish out of water, I’ll still be able to breathe. I won’t feel like I’m not good enough, he’ll reassure me that I am okay. With the right person, you can’t mess it up. I know many of you think I’m too picky, but I know what I want and need and deserve. I have faith in God and His timing. Once again Garth Brooks’ lyrics ring true, “Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” It dawned on me that it wasn’t so much his love that I wanted, just love in general. And that’s fine, we all need love and affection. I don’t want to be with someone just to say I have someone, that isn’t cool either. I’m going to stop pushing them away and being overly judgmental, but I’m not going to settle or lower my standards. Someday, my guy will choose me, and it won’t be because I hung the moon or painted the stars although he’ll think I have, it’ll be because he sees my light and I can see his, and when we’re together our lights shine brighter.

Take care and be well,

Julie

(photo courtesy of my mom, great picture!)

Once again, I didn’t think I’d have anything to write about this month. Boy, was I wrong. I’m going to be more candid than I’ve ever been because I need to be honest about what happened. It was a big step for me and although it didn’t work out with him, I’ve learned a lot. It’s given me a starting point and I’m proud of myself. Several things happened, I got tired of pining away for someone. It was like a light bulb went off and I realized how silly I had been to care about someone who wasn’t putting me first. This prompted me to take a chance with someone new. I got tired of being alone, my body finally won the battle over my mind. You’ll have to read on until the end because there are other things I must write about first. I’m going to list the affirmations now. Positive self-talk is a great place to start.

I’m getting stronger every day. I can do this! I’m deserving of my dreams. I’ve discovered that I am fierce. I own my power. I choose what I become. It’s easy for me to say, “Yes.” It’s easy for me to say, “No, thanks.” I am good enough. I am a brave warrior.

Something shifted for me, maybe it had something to do with the abrupt weather change. I went to a few more job interviews. I’ve gotten better at them. They don’t make me as nervous. I have faith in God that I’ll find a job that is right for me. I need to stop being so picky. Job interviews are very humbling like when the senior citizens used to lap me at the mall when I was trying to regain my strength. They have to pick the best candidate and sometimes it isn’t me, which doesn’t make me any less of a person but it’s hard not to take it personally. I shake that off because it’s not something I’ve chosen. I’m doing better than I was. I’ve gained so much inner strength and wisdom. I’m beginning to understand how God’s plan is bigger than my plan. It’s only when they are in alignment, for my highest good, that I experience true flow and serenity. I went to a cancer survivor support group that I’d been meaning to go to for awhile now. It’s only seven minutes away from my apartment. It was a good experience. I look forward to the next meeting.

I met three more guys from the dating site: Joey #8, Jason #9 and Chad #10. Why am I numbering them? Because I’m still trying to meet the challenge and I’m proud of myself for meeting ten guys. Even though it’s taken almost a year, I consider it progress. My three month membership ended. I’ll probably try another site and wrestle a few more alligators lol. I don’t know if I’ll make it to #15. It’s possible I could meet someone before then and form a relationship. The idea was to keep my options open, see what’s out there and not fall in love right away which is easier said than done. The heart is a pesky thing because it feels what it does. I need to bring my brain along with me. I’m more in touch with my emotions than I think. If both people are falling it’s okay to fall, but if only one of you is falling you’re gonna get hurt. Sometimes, even when both of you are falling, they reach for a ledge and stop falling. Communication is key, when that goes, everything goes. My friend, Jenny, was right when she told me, “Just pick one, you don’t have to marry him.” I was being too picky. There isn’t a perfect person, even with the best of intentions they can let you down because their heart belongs to someone else.

I’ll start with Joey. We’ve been talking on and off since February. We only had one date. We don’t look like we go together. Even the waiter said, “This is on separate checks, right?” Joey has a lot of tattoos. He’s very punk rock. His dog died recently, so I’m worried my allergies would bother me if I went to his place. He’s a sweet guy, but his main concern is getting laid. We both have OCD, but his manifests differently. We’re both sensitive and I think that’s how we get along. We meet people whom we have things in common with, but it doesn’t mean they’re the person for us. When we get rejected, it’s not because there’s anything wrong with us, it’s because there’s someone better suited for us. Dating is a learning experience. I ordered the Blue October tickets thinking he would go with me or that I could easily find someone who liked the band. I wanted to see them in concert again. Joey basically said he didn’t want to go because we weren’t sleeping together. He also didn’t want to spend $40 because he doesn’t like them very much. I asked a few more friends and they had other plans. I was starting to panic. I asked a few of the guys I had pushed away, felt silly for asking them, and probably wouldn’t have had a good time. Luckily, they also declined.

What happened next is kind of interesting. I had started talking with another guy, Jason, and up until that point we had only been texting. I was starting to like him or at least I didn’t not like him. I accidentally called him one day while I was walking with my mom. I had my phone in the front pocket of my green shorts. I kept taking it out to take pictures. The next time I put it in my pocket, it must’ve somehow dialed him. My mom and I both heard someone saying, “Hello, hello.” We finally realized the voice was coming from my pocket. I took the phone out and looked at the screen. I was happy to see his name. My phone could’ve called anyone. We laughed that is was God who had called him. I was hesitant but excited to get to know him. He’s been through some tough times and has a lot of baggage. I seem to attract guys who need therapy or maybe it’s the healer part of me. I think God was more like, “I’ll bring you a penis, it won’t be the right penis, but because you’re so arrogant and impatient, I’m gonna teach you a lesson. You’re gonna get in over your head because you’re getting ahead of yourself. And then you’re gonna have to do things in the order in which they should be done.” But I’m skipping ahead.

We talked on the phone a few more times. I asked him if he liked Blue October. He did. It got to be the night before the concert and I asked him if he would go with me. I was worried he’d say no or I’d be nervous or it would be awkward. I didn’t want to drive to Clifton by myself because that area can be dangerous. I picked him up because he was on the way and he doesn’t have a car. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be attracted to him, but I was. The concert was awesome. I was surprised at how much chemistry we had. I enjoyed kissing him. I felt safe and comfortable which was odd because I barely knew him. Jason goes to AA meetings, he doesn’t like NA, although he was addicted to drugs not alcohol. “NA is for hookups,” he said. “There are more old-timers in AA.” I replied. I used to work at a drug and alcohol treatment center. I was impressed because it seemed like he was working the steps and trying to stay sober, but then he drank three beers which didn’t seem right. Usually when you’re in recovery, you abstain from all substances, you don’t get to pick and choose. He also smokes cigarettes and when we were together, I would smoke too. Obviously, I don’t need to be smoking cigarettes. I needed someone who knows what they’re doing in bed, and I knew he wouldn’t fail me in that department.

The next night, Saturday, I went out with Chad. We had made plans earlier in the week so even though I had a good time with Jason, I felt like I should still meet him. Chad is divorced and has two daughters. I soon learned that even on his kid-free nights, he still goes to their games and activities. His world pretty much revolves around them. It made me wonder whether I have space in my heart to be a mom to someone else’s kids. Not that that would happen right away and I think with the right person it could be okay. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want kids right now. I have my nieces and I love them dearly. I’ve never dated someone with kids. I’m used to being someone’s top priority. Even the nice guys can be mean sometimes. He made two condescending remarks about my situation. “Have fun staring at your phone screen all day.” I don’t stare at my phone screen all day. When he gets sick and has to stay home from work, he gets bored sitting around watching television and looks forward to going back to work. First of all, I’m not recovering from strep throat, the things I deal with are chronic. I look forward to going back to work because it’s good for me in many ways. Could I be doing more? Sure. I’m already very hard on myself, I don’t need your unsolicited criticism.

Secondly, I don’t have a television. I made a decision five years ago that I didn’t want one because I wanted to focus on writing. People who don’t struggle with anything seem to have less compassion. Sometimes what our work is for a time period doesn’t look like normal work. And yet, he thinks I’m amazing because of everything I’ve been through. I am amazing, but I’m also human and imperfect. He did what I’ve done to so many guys, he put me up on a pedestal. When you put someone on a pedestal, it gives them no room to move freely. I don’t want unwarranted praise. You fight cancer because you have to, anyone would fight in that situation. You have to be brave and it’ll make you stronger. But for every brave move I made, I’ve made a dozen cowardly ones which is why compliments can feel insincere coming from someone who doesn’t know me. I’m not trying to downplay my accomplishments or minimize what I’m been through. He came on strong which felt suffocating. He read a bunch of my blog posts and asked me a bunch of questions. At first, I was flattered, but then it was annoying. You’d think I’d enjoy the attention since I’m so self-absorbed. In some ways, it’s not my fault. Trauma changes people. Self-care requires a lot of self-focus. I want people in my life. I want meaning and purpose too.

I’m not saying it makes you a better human to have struggled, oftentimes, it makes a person worse. If I had the choice, I wouldn’t have gotten cancer and had my life change dramatically. I’m also not saying I want to be with someone who is damaged or broken. I want to be with someone who is working on themselves and when they’re wrong they can swallow their pride and admit it. It’s similar to how I idolize rock stars, they’ve probably made a ton of mistakes they aren’t proud of and feel weary of praise. It’s okay to have heroes. We need inspiration in our lives. I’m not one-dimensional. I’m a whole person. I got the feeling he wouldn’t understand my darkness because it’s still there, no matter how much light I bring in and cultivate. That’s not a bad thing, it’s the reality of being human. I’m not a naturally optimistic person, it’s something I have to work on. You think I’m pushing him away because he’s a nice guy. No, I want a nice guy. He also has to have a backbone. When a man is too passive, I end up walking all over him. I need a strong man. He doesn’t have to have survived cancer, but he will have survived other trials. Love is exciting and passionate, it’s also calm and clear. It isn’t settling for someone because they’re available. Hell, fast food is available that doesn’t mean I’m going to choose it for dinner every night.

I’ve been complaining about how guys just want sex and here I was finally getting some conversation and I didn’t even want it. I’m a mess lol. I’m a man-eater lol. I need both. Chad is very religious and reserved. Unlike Joey, he wasn’t leading with sex. He was attracted to me, but he didn’t want to be offensive or cross the line. Compared to other guys, Chad was so far from crossing the line, he was in another country. I told him that and how it’s okay to flirt more with women, we actually like it. From the beginning, I wasn’t physically attracted to him. My feelings remained lukewarm and I don’t think that’s enough to build on. I like a tall guy, but at 6’5″ he towered over me which made me feel uncomfortable. Maybe he would do better with a taller woman. I thought I was tall lol. Next to him, I felt short. His advances were respectful, but I didn’t encourage him. He tried to kiss me at the end of date but I had just kissed Jason the night before, so I stopped him. This was getting out of hand. All of sudden, I had become Julie hot lips lol. Kudos to me for two dates in two nights! Perhaps, he would do better with someone who also has kids. Just like I found Jason to be exciting, Chad found me exciting. Or maybe with certain people we feel like we can be free or they bring out a side of us we keep repressed.

So what happened with Jason? We had sex on our second date. Hallelujah. Lol. The only problem, well, there were several problems. We didn’t use lube and he was too big for me. Even before cancer, he might’ve been too big. At least I was drinking some alcohol and that loosened me up. Things have changed down there. I didn’t want to be a disappointment. I didn’t want to disappoint the guy. I was worried a penis wouldn’t go in there. It was partly psychological and partly physical. I knew the chemotherapy had shrunk it and yet I wasn’t doing anything to stretch it out. My friends have husbands or boyfriends, they didn’t wait so long before becoming sexually active again. I never had any problems before and it made me sick to stomach to think I would let someone down. I know how important sex is to guys, it’s all they think about. I didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t know how to deal with it. And I didn’t have to deal with it until I realized there was something missing from my life. Sharing that experience with someone is amazing and it should feel good.

I had to tell someone what happened, who would listen without judgment, so I told my survivor friend Rachael. Thanks! And then I told my mom, she wasn’t as mad as I thought she would be. It bled a bit afterwards which kind of freaked me out. I spotted for a few days. I’ve had a tiny bit of pain which leads me to believe there could be a very small tear. In some ways, it’s a setback because I have to let it heal before I can try out my fake penises, lol. I went to the Hustler store and bought a dilator kit and lube. Luckily, the girl working there helped me decide what to buy. She was very nice. Once again, I was humbled. I wanted to get the regular-sized vibrator but after telling her what happened she said I had better start with the set and work my way up to the normal size. I should’ve told her I don’t have any patience, but she probably already surmised that. I thought a dilator was more like what they use during a pap smear. I’m glad it’s not. The dilator kit looks like exactly what I need and a portion of the proceeds goes to the Living Beyond Breast Cancer organization. Update, I’m feeling much better. My body is an amazing healer.

I’ve always been somewhat disconnected from my body and out of touch with my feminine power. This is making me heal the one thing I’ve neglected because I want intimacy again. My body needs to be treated with love and care, putting myself in that situation even though I was a willing participant was very ignorant. This isn’t easy to talk about. Of course, my mom said, “Do not write about that on your blog.” She’s right, it isn’t anyone’s business, but I don’t have to be embarrassed or ashamed or nonchalant about it. If I had gotten back in touch with my sexuality five years ago, I wouldn’t be stumbling now. My words, my truth, my journey, that’s what I have to give, that’s what I can contribute. If this blog is to be therapeutic, a healing place, I have to be honest about what I’m going through. We are healed by the truth. Lies are like prisons we trap ourselves in.

I had just attended an informative class called “Sex after Cancer” at the conference in Denver. The lady teaching the class was like, “Use a dilator first, don’t just let him ram his penis in there.” What do I do? Ugh. He was gentle for the most part, we took it slow, but I had no business starting with a penis of that size and without lube. I had never used lube before. I thought it was oily, it’s more like the consistency of hand sanitizer. It had gotten to the point where I couldn’t wait any longer. I was craving intimacy and affection. The first time was probably not going to be pleasant with anyone. If he had had a smaller penis and used lube, it wouldn’t have been as painful and frustrating. I’m resilient, hopefully, my vajajay is too. It could be better than I think, it could be worse. I don’t know yet. How could I have gone this long without it? I was focused on other things. I added it to my list of things to be bitter about. Bitterness is the problem, it’s not a solution.

Let me preface this by saying, I don’t think Jason is a bad guy and he has to do what’s best for him. This is why you don’t sleep with someone right away, you don’t know them well enough. That was Thursday. On Friday, he wanted me to pick him up, go out for drinks, lotion me down, and go to sleep together. I told him I didn’t feel like going out because I needed to rest. He seemed really agitated and was acting different. Before we hung up, he told me we were a couple and that I was his girl. He said he wasn’t talking to anyone else and not to worry about anything. I never pressured him into a relationship. I was happy to be dating but since we had become intimate, we decided to be exclusive. Maybe dating doesn’t even exist. Guys seem to think the second date is the sex date. It’s not. It should be after 3-5 dates or more. If you do it too soon, it can feel like you’re using each other. I called him later that night to make sure he was okay because I was concerned about him. It went straight to voice mail, so I figured he had gone out with someone else.

The next day, he posted something on Facebook about how he’s in love with a girl named Ashley. In some ways, it didn’t surprise me. Whenever we talked, I always got the feeling there was someone else. There was. Jason has a long distance girlfriend who very recently made the decision to move here to be with him because they are in love. That’s who was always texting him while we were talking even though he said it was his sister. I find it hard to believe she just decided to move here. Most people don’t make major life decisions on a whim, there’s a lot of planning involved. You’re probably wondering how I could’ve been so stupid and why did I sleep with him? The final thing that swayed my decision, he had a vasectomy which took the pregnancy worry off the table. He’s 38 and has four kids. In some ways, I threw myself at him, so I can’t blame him, but that doesn’t make his dishonesty okay or negate the fact that he was betraying her.

I got blindsided. I got my feelings hurt because we shared that experience. I was starting to like him even though his cologne, which smelled good, probably would’ve driven me crazy. I feel like an idiot for believing him, but he seemed really sincere. I hope he treats her good from now on. They seem happy together. She thinks the world of him. Jason is a fun guy. He’s an Aries. He’s never read my blog, he didn’t even know what kind of cancer I had. God brings people into our lives, sometimes they don’t stay very long and it’s a blessing in disguise. Trust your intuition, it won’t lead you astray. Our intuition is the smartest part of us because it precedes thought, it’s more feeling based and accurate since it’s connected to the soul. I don’t know the whole story, I didn’t want to hear his voice and more lies. I pushed almost all of the other guys away, the one I chose still betrayed me. I should kick his ass, but I won’t. He apologized and I’ll be okay. I’m going to take a short break from dating. I need to do some healing. I don’t regret my choices even though it got me into trouble. Making choices is how we learn. God makes things right again. He always has, He always will.

Take care,

Julie

Tbh, I didn’t think this month’s blog post was going to be very exciting. I had planned to write about my experience at CancerCon, the 11th annual gathering of cancer survivors in Denver, Colorado. Even though I knew the weekend was jam packed with activities, speakers, classes and a dance party, for some reason I thought it was going to be boring. It wasn’t boring at all. The conference was the perfect blend of education, inspiration and fun. It exceeded my expectations. I met four survivors, Amy, Brooke, Jennifer and Peter, who live in Ohio. Hopefully, we will keep in touch and hang out again. It’s a cool feeling to sit down next to someone who is from your home state. When the high of the conference wears off, you still have support from old and new friends. It’s also a good thing to forget about being a cancer survivor for awhile and just live. Healing and grief will happen naturally. We need to be loved for who we are, with or without the label. I think that’s where I got stuck. I was judging myself, uncertain of how to navigate the world as a survivor. If I don’t have an issue with it, there’s a good chance other people won’t either. My faith grew stronger because I needed something to lean on that wouldn’t let me down. Now I realize it’s more about not letting myself down. God will be there regardless.

What I’ve gained from CancerCon is a feeling of pride. I felt like a badass rather than feeling ashamed or less than or broken. It made me realize how much I’ve accomplished, how far I’ve come in my healing journey and that I’m not alone. I didn’t think anything good would ever come from my cancer experience, now I see it has given me experiences like this that are truly wonderful. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I carry that light within me now. Even though there are many types of cancer and everyone is in a different stage of treatment or remission, there’s an unspoken understanding and mutual respect at the conference. What strikes me is how strong survivors are, as if we were chosen because we had this strength to begin with otherwise how else would we still be standing to offer inspiration to others? Especially the speaker, Sean Swarner, who climbed Mt. Everest with one lung even though the doctors told him it was impossible. He said, “Whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right.” I’ll never achieve that kind of feat, but I’ll keep pushing and challenging myself to be and do more than I am now.

One of my favorite moments was when Melissa Etheridge was singing, “I Run For Life.” I had never heard the song before and her lyrics touched me. As I sat there recording it on my phone, trying to keep still because I don’t like shaky recordings, about halfway through the song tears started rolling down my cheeks. I had to let them fall because if I had grabbed a tissue it would’ve messed up the recording. I realized something, I don’t have to hide the pain. I can sit with my feelings and it will be okay. I’m in a safe place, I can wait until the song ends. Another layer of grief was released that day and I feel lighter. Even if you’re many years out from treatment, it still helps to be in an environment where more healing can occur. It reminds of something one of the speakers, Albus Brooks, said, “We will cry and be proud of our crying.” The weekend didn’t go perfectly. I’m not going to act like it did. I missed one breakfast and two speakers, but I’m proud of myself for going and learning what I needed to learn. There’s something empowering about traveling alone and I gain more confidence each time I’m brave enough to leave my comfort zone. One of the speakers said, “Adversity is a teacher.” How do we move from bitterness to a place of forgiveness? How do we learn the lessons instead of repeating them? And what now?

Another idea that was discussed was crisis coping. The trauma was so intense that we stay in survival mode. How do we crack out of it? By processing the pain and having healthy coping strategies. Instead of feeling helpless, we can feel powerful again. Having a support network improves our ability to recover. Practicing mindfulness meditation strengthens our inner awareness so that we have a choice. We begin to respond rather than react, we see the bullets coming and dodge them. We know what our triggers are and knowledge is power. We stay in the present moment, breathe and reframe the situation. That’s a lot better tactic than avoiding and numbing out. In regards to dating, you don’t have to tell someone right away that you’re a cancer survivor, make sure they are worthy of knowing the information. Another speaker was Sage Bolte, she said, “If you look at someone’s actions through a rose-colored window, all the flags are the same color.” When we’re infatuated with someone, we have trouble distinguishing between the red and green flags. My room was on the 21st floor. I had an awesome view of the city. I love a good sunset. I thought I would enjoy having a television to watch. I had it on for about a half an hour the first day and then listened to the radio the rest of the time. Denver has some good radio stations.  

If you’re a survivor please consider going next year, it will be April 11-14, 2019 at the Hyatt Regency Denver Colorado Convention Center. Visit the Stupid Cancer website: http://stupidcancer.org They are a non-profit organization that puts on CancerCon. They are the leader in young adult cancer advocacy, research and support. I feel grateful to have been involved in such an important weekend. As I’ve said before, healing doesn’t occur in isolation. Sure, we have to do a lot of self-care and inner work on our own, but something magical happens when we come together to share our stories. We feel less alone. We feel understood. We feel normal. And most importantly, it gives us hope. Hope that we can survive this life. Hope that things can get better. Hope that we are strong enough to handle whatever life throws at us…because we are. We’ve already proven it, we’ve already passed the test. We are here to be joyful. We are here to show mercy and forgive those who have wronged us. Not because what they did was okay, because nursing old wounds keeps them active and we feel better when they are healed.

The rest of this post is photos: my First Descents rock climbing group: Lauren, Jenny, Chris, Rachael. My scavenger hunt group: Brooke, Jennifer, Jesse, Laura. The dance party and sightseeing in Denver. Some of you are probably wondering what’s the deal with the scavenger hunt and why was it so fun? Well, they are fun. Those of you who know me know that I create a treasure hunt game at Halloween most years especially if my brother is visiting. It started as an attempt at recreating the Mystery Mansion board game we used to play with Christen and Bryan when we were little. I love word games and I love a good party. Although, I’ve never been able to top the epic party of 2009, that one has gone down in history. Since last month’s post was so long, this post can be much shorter. And they say a picture is worth a thousand words. Take care, Julie

I am beautiful. I am amazing. I am loved. I am filled with healing energy. I am a beacon of God’s light. I trust this day, I trust my way. I am breathing for a purpose, God show me the reason. Thank you for your love, I am amazed. Amen. 

Those are the new affirmations I was supposed to put in last month’s blog post. Inner work is not always easy or fun but it’s essential to our well-being. They sound like a prayer. Perhaps that’s what they are, prayers to combat negative self-talk. Our foundation, our core, has to be filled with self-love. Without it, we make bad decisions, get unbalanced and seek validation from others. Seek validation from God. He loves you unconditionally. He will reflect His love back to you. It might be a beautiful lake, snow covered mountain or graceful hawk flying high above you. God’s love is unending which is why we can count on it. To quote the singer Toby Mac, “Human love falls short of God’s love.” That’s not an excuse to treat people badly or excuse bad behavior. It’s realizing we’re going to make mistakes because we’re not perfect. We let each other down. We let ourselves down. We reach for a love that’s bigger than us when we’re struggling to find comfort and peace of mind. We start over and try again. When we find the right path, darkness becomes light, grief turns into joy, and tears change to laughter. It’s worth waiting for. It’s worth praying for. Our souls choose peace, our egos create war.

Thank you Will McAdams for rescuing my website after it had been hacked. After four days of not being able to log into WordPress, I emailed him knowing he’d know what was wrong or point me in the right direction. Will is a graphic designer. He told me not to worry. He’s encountered the problem before and would be able to fix it which was magic to my ears. It’s frustrating not being able to work on a creative project, so I typed the post in a word doc until I could get back into my dashboard. In what seemed like the blink of an eye, it took a few days, he brought my website back to life. Yeah! He saved me a lot of money that my server wanted to charge to fix the issues. Will and I have been friends for many years. He’s also one my brother’s best friends. Eight years ago, I finished cancer treatment and was struggling to get back on my feet. I joined his affirmation group unaware of how powerful the practice would become in my recovery. I’ll always be grateful to him and the group for showing me the light. He’s married to Laura and they have a son named Jack. If anyone needs print or web design, I highly recommend his services. Will’s website is: http://www.willpowereddesigns.com

I have a few more dating experiences to share. I’m slow at dating, well, I’m slow at everything so that makes sense. I should start drinking coffee again so I can bounce off the walls too. Next month, I’m going to talk about the changes I’m making in my diet, changes I’ve been thinking about for awhile. I was talking to my brother about life and he mentioned the idea of momentum. For people who have chronic pain, fatigue or depression, maintaining momentum is the hard part. I have a feeling eliminating sugar, dairy, wheat and processed foods will improve my life in many ways. Being a cancer survivor and eating the way I do is hardly inspirational. I was able to quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey. It takes effort and discipline. I have the knowledge. I need to quit making excuses. It’s not going to be easy, but it’ll be worth it. I’d like to see if eating clean will reduce my neuropathic pain and an alkaline environment can prevent tumor growth. I’ve gotten used to the pain but that’s not a good reason. No one deserves to be in pain of any kind. It’s called chemotherapy-induced peripheral neuropathy. It used to be a lot worse, my nerves have healed a lot, but I can still feel it in my hands, feet, and teeth. When pain becomes chronic, you have to look for natural remedies.

It seems like I have too many ideas which prevents me from getting more stuff done. I’m trying to water too many seeds. While it’s not a bad thing to have a lot of interests, I need to decide what’s important and focus on achieving my goals. I would put nutrition and fitness and getting a job at the top of the list. I got sidetracked – back to the dating. Having a guy doesn’t make everything better. It’s an answer, it’s not the answer. Relationships can be very unhealthy if we’re not careful. Sometimes, I’m not even sure if I want a relationship. I’m given the chance and I keep sending them away. It’s not always about them, I realize that, I have my own issues. I’m used to being alone and I don’t want to feel trapped. With the right person you won’t feel trapped. I have to keep taking chances because we don’t learn in isolation. When I look at their dating profiles, I’m either attracted or not. I get a gut feeling, yet sometimes I still give the wrong people chances. I know they’re not my type but I’m curious enough to meet them. I shouldn’t be surprised when we don’t click in person and the second date doesn’t happen. I’m also learning how not to take rejection personally, they’re doing me a favor by deselecting themselves. I won’t always blog about dating because it should be kept private, yet maybe my experience will help others.

At first, I was impressed by the dating site because I didn’t have high expectations. I had a decent amount of messages right off the bat. I decided to talk with several of them to see if we were compatible. Let’s just say there are a lot of rednecks around here and I mean no disrespect because I’m one of them. Some of them seem intimidated by my education. I’m not that smart and being smart has it’s own disadvantages. Having a college degree doesn’t make you any better or worse. Being kind, honest and trustworthy is what matters. It’s important to meet them when you feel comfortable, sooner rather than later because if there isn’t a connection you won’t feel like you’ve wasted each other’s time. I thought for a moment I could have a purely physical connection but when he started sending me nudes, I was grossed out. It reminded me of how much I need a mental and an emotional connection too. It seemed like that was all he had to offer and I’d never be completely satisfied. Sending nudes to someone you barely know is not okay, it’s creepy. He got mad at me because at first I went along with it and acted like it was okay. I was too shocked to say anything. Blame it on the duck lips. I need to quit being so naive. I need to stop doubting my awesomeness.

I’ve noticed how some guys will try to get to know you really quickly in an attempt to create an emotional bond knowing that’s what we need to take the next step. It doesn’t work that way especially if the interest is fake or forced. In the beginning, guys can get overexcited and go batshit crazy trying to lock it down. For some guys, it’s kinda cute. It can also feel overwhelming, so you have to pace them. It seems like the dating scene has turned into people who pretend to like each other just to seal the deal because the other way takes time. It’s the difference between a hookup and possibly having a relationship. Don’t go into it looking for “the one.” God will bring you the one when it’s time. Don’t get yourself into trouble. I’ll give you an example. Recently, I was invited over to a complete strangers house. It was 9:30pm. We had only been texting for a few weeks. He lives about 45 minutes away, although he tried to tell me that Beavercreek is 20 minutes away. I’ve lived here almost my whole life and unless they moved the city of Beavercreek, doubtful, it’s not that close. Great idea, thanks for thinking of my safety. Don’t feel flattered he wants to see you. He’s out for himself, you don’t mean anything to him. You’re just another girl to him.

Another guy was being vague about having a dog because, “I figured we could just hang out at your place.” Good idea, that’s going to solve the problem of you having a dog. I’m glad you’ve already started lying to me that’s awesome. Yes, my sarcasm is back. I’m expecting too much from them. It didn’t say in his profile so I asked him because I had a feeling he had a dog. He skipped over my question which means yes. I finally said, “Answer the question.” He couldn’t believe it was a deal breaker. I’ve realized something else. You’re going to have the same issues with the next person. Maybe they’re more patient or understanding but changing the person doesn’t make everything better. We still have to work do our inner work, that never ends. There is something exciting about talking to a new person which is the appeal of dating sites and why people hop from one person to the next. Have we become disposable? I hope not. I think it’s more exciting to talk with someone you actually like and care about their opinion. Health is attractive, dysfunction is not. I grew up in a dysfunctional home, my dad was an alcoholic, if I’m not careful I gravitate towards dysfunction because it feels normal. Unless we’re willing to do the work, face our fears of intimacy and abandonment, all we’ll do is cause each other pain.

I met Guy #6, Chris, at a Mexican restaurant near me. He was nice enough to drive the longer distance. I wasn’t feeling very good. I’d only been taking the antibiotic for a few days. I’m glad I forced myself to go, if nothing else for the practice. The hardest part was sitting there wishing he was someone else. It made me sad and filled with regret. They say the best way to get over someone is to move on, which I agree, but it doesn’t mean you stop thinking about them. I put him out of my mind and focused on my date. Chris seemed nervous and he talked a lot. I didn’t have very much in common with him and it was kinda awkward. I enjoyed my dinner, it tasted good. It seems like guys have the idea or wishful thinking they’re going to get invited back, that by being on a dating site means the woman is desperate for male company. I may be a little desperate for male company but not so desperate that I stop thinking clearly. Bring on the margaritas. I have to build trust and feel safe. One date isn’t enough time to warrant that kind of connection. Believe me, it’s frustrating, I’ve been alone for a long time. He has to be special to me. I want to be special to him. That isn’t too much to ask.

The next guy I started talking with was Mike, he doesn’t get a # because I haven’t met him in person. God help the guy who finds my blog, he won’t want to go out with me for fear I’ll write about him. I don’t always write negative reviews. I was attracted to him and thought we were going to have a good connection but he was acting immature and putting in minimal effort. How is it ever okay to text, “Sup?” I know he means, “What’s up?” It just makes me cringe. Is it supper time? Lol. I don’t know why it bothers me so much. He’s probably trying to be cool and I’m the one looking for problems. I couldn’t bring myself to reply, it seemed pointless. And why do they think, “Yes’m,” is a good reply? For the record, it’s not polite. It’s really weird and it makes me sick to my stomach. That was another guy who also had a hidden dog in his profile lol. Mike and I tried to plan a date, decided on Pies and Pints, yet he wanted me to drive to the location near him rather than him drive to the location near me. Hmmm. I got the impression he was full of himself. It’s okay to be focused or fond of yourself, but being vain is a complete turnoff. The other thing that happened, Kelly, Guy #7, started blowing up my phone. I ended up going on the movie date with Kelly and not even seeing Mike. I shouldn’t be so apathetic, but I didn’t go through what I went through to put up with such nonsense.

Kelly seemed interested and somehow charmed me. I was nervous to meet him but then I was able to relax and calm down. Tbh, I was kinda disappointed. I thought he was going to be tough because he has tattoos, but he wasn’t. Not that I want a macho guy, he just didn’t seem very strong. It’s funny, you create an idea of them in your mind and they’re completely different in person. I’m sure I wasn’t his exact fantasy either. The movie we saw, Game Night, was hilarious and suspenseful. We ate at Steak ‘n Shake afterwards then parted ways. I think somewhere between him saying he eats fast food three times a day, lives with his mom and never exercises, I lost interest. I went to Barnes & Noble where I had fun looking around. I bought two books and two CDs. We made plans to go out the next weekend but as the week progressed I realized I didn’t want to see him again. My mom seems surprised when they want a second date, thanks mom, ye of little faith. I think her reasoning is there are cuter girls out there who have less issues. Why would they stick around? Good question. They must be lonely and desperate. Or maybe they find me attractive and interesting. I don’t think I should get down on my knees and thank my lucky stars that some guy likes me. I don’t need a guy to like me. Maybe I’ve gotten too strong. No, strength is letting people in. I need to make better choices and keep putting myself out there.

He got the idea that I was interested in being more than friends because I thought I was until I met him. Learned my lesson there, don’t overpromise and underdeliver. He tried to invite himself over by saying he needed somewhere to hang out after work and was upset when I told him he couldn’t. First of all, I barely knew him. I didn’t feel comfortable inviting him over. I felt pressured and when I told him that, he said, “I’ve been being very patient.” Oh my, talking to someone for a few weeks and going out on one date is not patience. He hasn’t even scratched the surface of patience. I guess for people who have one night stands, that was being very patient. I told him we can be friends, but he wasn’t interested in a friendship. My dear, friendship is the foundation. The other thing I’m hearing is how women, specifically their exes, are cheaters, liars and downright awful. I don’t know any women like that. The story changes based on the storyteller. I’d imagine the women would tell me how the men contributed to the downfall of the relationship too. These guys claim to no longer be in love with their exes, they’re completely over them, which is why they’re still bad mouthing them and yet they’d get back together with them at the drop of a hat. The mature way to handle a breakup is to take responsibility for what went wrong and move on.

When God puts something in the palm of your hands, something that feels good because it’s an expression of His love, hold onto that because God wants you to be happy. Don’t, like I have done so many times in the past, think yourself unworthy, turn your hand over and let the opportunity go. I’m not saying hold on tightly because love is easily smothered. Love requires us to give and take, we have to give as much as we’re taking. What I’m saying is, hold it carefully, realize what you have because good connections are hard to come by and can’t be forced. I talk about God a lot, for those of you who aren’t religious you might be turned off by it. I also believe in science and enjoy learning about it. Back when my faith wasn’t as strong, I used to envy people who had a connection with a higher power and honestly thought they were a little silly. I also think of God as the Universe, the force that keeps everything moving in the right direction. The force that corrects our wrongdoings and gives us second chances. How do I know this? Because no matter how asinine I have acted in the past, how bratty and ungrateful, how much pain I have caused my family, God knows my heart and loves me unconditionally. He wants me to live a healthy and happy life. He is trying to show me how I can be of service in this world.

The lessons I’ve learned are: Don’t play games. Don’t put up walls. Don’t push the right people away. Don’t be arrogant. Don’t carry the past into the present. Don’t sabotage joy. Don’t test men. Well, test them a little bit but not unreasonably or without justification. I remember something my friend, Jessica, said to me over the summer when I was telling her about one of the guys and taking the next step. She said, “I’m glad you found someone who you want to share your body with.” She’s right, sharing our bodies is a scared thing. Sure, sometimes sex is just sex, it doesn’t have to mean something. Everything doesn’t always have to mean something. Because of what I’ve been through, I’m more hesitant to get involved with just anyone. I need someone who is strong, who has proven they can be taken seriously and they take what we have seriously. Perhaps the girl who speaks the most of love is also the most afraid. Love is more than feeling butterflies, although there will be butterflies, love is surviving the bad times. Love is wanting to know what they think about a song. It’s finding the person who has the key that unlocks your heart. It’s finding the person who can make you stop thinking.

We get trapped by our fears which causes us to stay small and unseen. We listen to the voice that talks us out of being brave. That’s why we look up to superheroes, they don’t have any fears, they have superpowers. Until we’re sick and tired of the way things are, we won’t have enough motivation to change. I get upset when my progress plateaus or I fall back into a depression. I need to realize that getting to the next handhold was a victory. We shouldn’t judge our progress, we should be grateful we are making progress. I think the root cause of depression is betraying our soul, betraying what we know and listening to other people tell us who we should be and how our life should look. Depression happens when we deny our uniqueness and try to fit into a box that does nothing but dims our light. We pretend everything is fine even when we’re hurting inside. Depression is feeling alone and thinking no one understands. The sadness is trying to tell you something, if you’ll listen. Follow your heart. Do the things that make you happy. You have to take chances because you’ll learn something from it. We aren’t perfect, demanding perfection of ourselves is silly. Only God’s love is perfect. He won’t let us down. That’s all I know and it’s enough to keep me going.

Take care,

Julie

February began with another wake up call, one that I really needed. The guy I had fallen for told me he just wants to be friends. Let’s just say I took it really hard and wondered what I did wrong. He did like me. I know that for sure. I shouldn’t have stopped dating but my feelings for him made me not want to go out with anyone else. I wish I hadn’t of been such a scaredy cat. I was trying to protect my heart. The funny thing is, I got hurt anyway. Eventually, I’ll meet someone who wants to be in my life. Maybe he wasn’t the guy for me and I wasn’t the girl for him and that’s why it never worked out. I regret not making more of an effort to see him. It doesn’t make any sense because I wanted to see him. Now I realize how important intimacy is for health and happiness. I fell for him because he is strong, smart and handsome. He sent me memes which made me laugh. He likes music and playing the drums. He is tall, loud and outspoken. I thought he was going to be dorky based on his profile but he turned out to be really cool. He’s been through a great deal of pain in his life too. I hope we both find happiness because we both deserve it.

I’ve learned a few things. Don’t ever chase a guy. If he’s not making any effort there’s a reason. He’s just not that into you or he’s seeing someone else or he’s given up. What saddens me is that there was potential between us, there were feelings, we had some similar interests, then it turned ugly because we disappointed each other. Anger is just love disappointed. We didn’t get our reps in, that’s a phrase I’ve heard a dating coach use. Try to see the person once a week or every other week or at least once a month otherwise it gets stale. He seemed to be very busy. The few times he wanted to see me, I was busy. I got tired of his excuses, “I’m a train wreck.” I can give you a run for your money on that one. The whole point of friendships and relationships is to help the other person heal. I let my fatigue and insecurities get in the way. I’m so used to being the sick person, having to take it easy and not overdo it, that I had trouble switching gears. I’m still trying to figure out how to be a normal person. I’ve gotten used to being alone and doing my own thing. I had such a strong physical attraction to him that I probably wouldn’t have gotten any work done lol. There’s more to life than work. I guess so.

Over the holidays, an old coworker of mine from Liberty Mutual came into the store. He had been like a father figure to me. His wife died of cancer several years ago. A few weeks ago, he sent me an email to tell me what he liked about my book. He said there was one line that stood out for him, “Even beautiful things become ugly if we don’t take care of them.” I think he was referring to his marriage while I was referring to the lack of cleanliness in my bathroom lol. It’s true in both cases. Beautiful apartments and relationships deteriorate if we don’t take care of them. Not everyone is meant to be in your life and they bring a hard lesson. Sometimes you can remain friends, they’ll bring you sunshine and laughter again. You’ll just have to wait and see. I think I should start dating again. The whole point is to meet someone you’re compatible with and feel comfortable around. You have to let things happen organically. I was too much of a control freak. I couldn’t just let it be what it was. I needed more reassurance than I was getting from him and yet I blamed myself.

This time, I’m going into online dating with an open mind and willingness to meet someone. I have to be somebody’s dream girl lol. Maybe it took getting over my initial reluctance and sarcasm which was just a defense mechanism. Now I can say my intentions are pure. Christen told me to be patient and not to settle. I don’t think I was settling with him. He actually made me want to be a better person. At least I’ve had some dating experience and don’t feel like a complete newbie. I’m going to go with the flow rather than trying to force things to happen. I talked with my cousin, Heather, about dating. She said it took meeting a lot of guys before she found the one she got into a relationship with and eventually married. They’re expecting their first baby in August. I’m really excited for her! She said she had so much practice by the time she met Kyle that she was able to relax on the date and just be herself. She said she had almost given up. When it’s time for people to meet, they meet. It takes both people putting themselves out there. She was only on the site for a week when he messaged her. That’s fate, the work of the angels.

I’m writing this post from Utah. I’m visiting my brother, sister-in-law, and nieces. It’s good to get away and spend time with my family. My nieces are growing up so fast. Emma will be three in March and Mary will be one in June. Mary isn’t feeling good, she’s been crying a lot. She has a cough, cold and fever. The doctor finally figured out she has an ear infection and gave her some medicine. I hope she feels better soon. They have pretty blue eyes like their dad and grandpa. They are very precious. I think a part of me is sad that I’m not going to have a baby even though I never really planned on it. The idea of labor has always scared me and I have enough trouble taking care of myself lol. The possibility has always loomed on the horizon so it’s natural to go through some kind of grief around it especially with turning 40 this month. I can be a great aunt which is a pretty cool thing! It’s very beautiful out here, the open space allows us to think clearly. It’s also nice to watch the Olympics, the athletes are very inspiring. Their dedication to the sport they love is truly remarkable.

I’m going to create a new dating profile and see where that goes. I’m not going to mention the fact that I’m a cancer survivor because I don’t want it to be their first impression. I’m going to continue applying for part-time jobs. I felt better when I was working, it gave me structure and helped me to feel more worthwhile. Having a job also kept me out of trouble. Sometimes, what you think is trouble is exactly what you need. For real, I get tired of behaving and wonder why I don’t let myself live. Several of my birthday messages were about having more fun. They’re right, I could let myself enjoy life more. I bought beer at the grocery to drink every once in awhile or when I have company. I thank God for teaching me about humility. Love doesn’t give to get, love gives to give. Love doesn’t get old unless it’s forsaken then it turns bitter, something that could’ve been so beautiful. It’s okay to have needs and sometimes get clingy. We should help each other to be strong instead of tearing each other down. I regret saying mean things, it wasn’t nice and he didn’t deserve it. I wanted butterflies in my stomach, I sure as hell got them.

My birthday was February the 9th. I feel old, I’m over the hill now lol. Christen said I’m young at heart, so that’s a good thing! I celebrated my birthday a few times. I went to the Olive Garden with my mom, aunt, and cousin. I like the eggplant parmesan. I went to dinner at Cancun and a Cincinnati Cyclones game with my friends Christen and Melissa. I had a really good time. I’m going to Takahsi, a sushi restaurant, with my family in Utah. I like sushi, it’s yummy. We ended up getting pizza instead because the restaurant was packed. I have registered for Cancercon, an annual gathering for the young adult cancer movement, it’s in Denver in April. I’ll be meeting up with Lauren, Jenny and Rachael, my survivor friends from the First Descents rock climbing trip. I look forward to seeing them. I think the conference will be fun and educational. I’ve signed up for several sessions and activities. I’ll write a blog post about my experience. I need to stay positive and keep making progress. I’m tired of winter and ready for spring. Even though I’ll complain about the heat and humidity, I’ll be able to take my walks and see my favorite tree.

I’d like to start working out because it will help me in so many ways. If I can get my fitness level up, I can join an indoor soccer team. Yeah! I used to enjoy playing soccer. I have a natural athletic ability. I used to play forward and score goals. What better confidence booster is there? I’ve shied away from running because the last time I ran was seven years ago. I had just finished radiation. I was having a terrible pain at the base of my skull and worried the running had caused it. It wasn’t the running, the chemo had damaged my heart and nerves. I didn’t need to be running when I could barely walk to the mailbox. I am better now and my body is strong. I still worry about having a recurrence which is why I need to stop putting toxic foods into my body. Sugar is poison. I have to want to live, really want to live otherwise I won’t, it’s as simple as that. Yes, most of the time, I’m all talk, but not all of the time. I hope everyone is doing well. Take care.

Have a great month,

Julie

Update: I got my dating profile set up on a site I’ve never been on before. I chose three photos and kept my answers short and sweet. I’m talking to a few guys. My allergies to cats and dogs definitely narrows the field down. Wish me luck! 🙂 Unfortunately, I have a cold and sore throat. I’m not feeling very well. 🙁 I haven’t been sick in awhile. We’re getting a bunch of snow tonight, hopefully we’ll be able to fly home this week although it’ll be hard to leave my nieces.

To be honest, I didn’t start the new year off on the right foot. I’ll get to that later. I would like to begin the first post of the year writing about something positive. When I think about what’s helped me the most over the last five years, I’d have to say it was repeating affirmations. How do they help? You gain control of your thoughts, talk yourself through fears, and improve self-esteem. I always thought they were kind of silly just something New Age people practiced. But when my life took a turn for the worse, I had to reach for the light. Many years ago, when my anxiety was bad, saying affirmations got me through the day. There’s a saying in AA, it works if you work it. That’s very true. I’ve become stronger and more confident. I don’t struggle like I used to and it feels good. When I encounter a difficult situation, I tap back into that place of strength. I don’t even say them that much anymore. Since something happened recently that knocked me off balance, I felt like it was a great time to remind myself and I have them posted on my bulletin board.

My name is Julie and I love myself. Today is a new day and I treat myself with loving kindness. I am confident and capable. I am healthy and strong. I am calm and relaxed. I am safe and protected. Breathe in. All is well. Breathe out. All is well. Peace begins with me. I am grateful for my many blessings. God is good.

Those are my favorites. You can change them to suit your needs and situation. The key is to phrase them in a rhythm you like because when the words flow they are easier to remember and become automatic. I tend to say them rather quickly. Start with one or two sentences a day. I think that’s better than saying a bunch of them at once. You really want to feel the words and what they mean. I’ve practiced them so much that sometimes my mind is like, “Oh no, not that again!” Lol. There are so many affirmations. I’m going to find or create ten new ones to practice and post them in next month’s blog.

I realized something else. I made my goals very general when they need to be more specific if I’m going to accomplish any of them. Resolutions are a good idea in theory, we should reassess how we’re doing, yet most of us have habits that are pretty set in stone. It takes time and energy to create new habits. I also think wintertime is not the easiest time weather wise to make big changes. I got upset with myself for continuing my bad habits which made me even more depressed. I bought Pepsi and golden Oreo cookies at the grocery store. I didn’t set any new habits in place so why would there have been any changes? Exercise more. How? Go to the fitness center or take a class. Eat healthier. How? Make healthy meals and limit my amount of sugar. Travel more. How? Register for events that interest me. Revise the novel. How? Work on the story instead of being on social media. See my friends more. How? Make plans with them.

I might as well just say it. I quit my job. For those of you who know me, that won’t come as a surprise. I have worked at many places over the years. Others might be shocked since I seemed really happy and excited to be there. I was and have been. Several things happened which forced me to give a two weeks notice. At the risk of going into too much detail, I’ll say it was a very good three month experience. It showed me what I am capable of and I’m proud of myself. I have faith that I can find another job I will enjoy even more. I was a seasonal hire and since the holidays are over my hours have been reduced. I need a certain amount to feel like it’s worthwhile otherwise I lose my momentum. The biggest reason was a conflict with my assistant manager. He became increasingly unpleasant, unhelpful, rude, and mean. I refuse to work in an environment where I’m being treated with such disrespect. I’m still baffled at his behavior and hope one day he realizes how to be a better supervisor and human being.

Things happen for a reason. Maybe I was on the wrong path going in a straight line instead of climbing the next mountain. There’s nothing wrong with that, we can’t always be climbing mountains. The only one who knew about my past and getting disability was the manager. I didn’t tell anyone else because I was trying to move forward. One time, the manager asked me about my cancer story. I laughed and said, “I come here to get away from it and you’re asking me to talk about it.” He got transferred to another store so I had to tell the assistant managers because it was affecting my job to some extent and they needed to know. I had been late to several shifts and I’m just slower in general. I’m also a hard worker and I did a great job. I enjoyed helping the customers and feeling worthwhile. Even after improving my punctuality, he still wouldn’t lose the attitude. I decided the stress wasn’t worth it. I gave the new manager, who’s very nice, my notice and asked him not to schedule me with the assistant manager. I had one more shift with him and I’m proud of myself for facing him. Luckily, I won’t have to work with him anymore.

I’d say it was the garbage incident which sealed the deal for me. I always complete my share of the chores there. I vacuum at night, dust mop in the morning, clean the counters, and collect the trash. The assistant manager got the garbage and recycling ready then asked me to take it over by myself. We always go in pairs because it can be too much for one person, so I was surprised at his request. It was two big boxes of broken down boxes which is too heavy for me to lift into the compactor and several large bags of trash that can fall off the dolly if someone isn’t following behind. The compactor is a fair distance away over by the parking garage and it was 5 degrees that day. I told him, “No, I don’t want to take it over.” He about lost it. “You don’t want to take it over?” He asked. “No, it’s too much for me.” I answered. “I’m going to see what K thinks about that.” He stormed off. She took the trash over with me just to appease him. I wondered why he didn’t take it over himself. He’s young and healthy, it isn’t too much for him. I almost walked out that day, but she convinced me to stay and that it would be okay. It never got back to being okay.

I don’t think it was a coincidence my car locked up on New Year’s Eve. It was as if the Universe was telling me not to go to work or just to pause for a moment and look at what’s really going on. While I was making progress and doing the right thing, I was avoiding other things in my life like intimacy and vulnerability. And I wasn’t working on any of my passion projects. My life had gotten out of balance again. I was running away from the things that really mattered to me. I told myself last New Years that I wouldn’t spend another New Years alone and what did I do? I spent it alone. I had to work the next morning which isn’t a good excuse. I was trying so hard to do a good job and I was doing a good job, but I still fell short in some areas which is to be expected for someone who struggles with physical and psychological issues. I walk away from that job with my head held high. They aren’t glad to see me go, except for one person lol. And I will miss the customers, but I think it’s for the best. I know I can find another job better suited for me and my abilities.

In terms of intimacy, yes, I need to be careful so I don’t get hurt, but avoiding the person I want to see is hurting me too. Instead of being brave, I’m being overly cautious. It’s okay to take a chance. I didn’t go on any dates this month, and I haven’t set up a new profile yet. I think it would be a good idea to start dating again. I found myself getting jealous of women who post provocative photos because I know how visual men are and I didn’t feel like I could compete with them. I actually wished I could be more slutty and now it just makes me laugh. That’s not who I am. I’m more reserved and that’s okay. I’m not in my twenties anymore. I’m sexy in my own way, that’s what I had to learn. That’s what we all have to learn. We don’t have to be anyone but exactly who we are. We aren’t attracted to people because we envision them as someone else, we’re attracted because we already think who they are is pretty damn neat. That’s what we don’t get. We cringe at our uniqueness instead of realizing it’s the very thing that makes us who we are. And who we are is what we have to give. God doesn’t make mistakes. Even a job that doesn’t work out, it’s not a mistake, it’s a learning experience. That’s what I take from this. That’s what I hope you all can take from this.

Have a great month,

Julie

p.s. My last shift was yesterday. Right before I left, I had a big sale and good connection with one of the customers. Sometimes they’re going on a trip to another country, the clothes are well suited for travel and it’s fun to help them shop. After the customer left, K and I looked at each and smiled. We talked about how that was the perfect way to end it, on a high note. Leaving wasn’t an easy decision to make, a part of me worried it was a step backwards and I’d get stuck again. I won’t let that happen. I have to follow my heart and maybe that is a luxury I have, but don’t think it doesn’t come with a cost because it does. What I have been through, I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I can’t change what’s happened, I can only move forward. The things that are chronic, I have to find relief from rather than making them worse. Exercising and improving my diet will help with the pain and fatigue. The mess in my head, I have to straighten that out. Things are so much better than they were, I need to remember that and give myself credit for what I have accomplished. My birthday is next month and instead of being upset about the age I’m going to be, cringe, I’m going to embrace it. I need to start acting more like an adult. I won’t lose my innocence and curiosity, but I’ll start trusting my strength and wisdom more.

Anyone tired of winter already? Ugh. It’s gotten really cold here. I didn’t go on any dates in December. I was busy with work and needed time to think. It seemed like I was either falling hard or not falling at all. Maybe that’s normal since I’ve been out of the dating scene for so long. Keep the date simple, meet for coffee and try to be more open-minded. My mom gets the mom of the year award, she helped me clean the bathroom. I have ptsd from treatment and have trouble using harsh cleaners. It was almost past the point of rescue and my mild cleaners weren’t working. Now I feel like I could have company over and not be completely embarrassed. The other day, I bought laundry detergent by myself. I walked down the aisle and didn’t have a panic attack. I’ve pumped gas twice now and it wasn’t so bad. All of these little victories feel empowering to me. It feels good to do normal things again. It’s not that things don’t bother me, I have tools to handle them: deep breathing, affirmations, and mental strength.

I’m going to hit the highlights of 2017 and set a few goals for 2018. It’s important to look at the progress we’ve made and things we’ve accomplished. I went to Utah twice to visit my family. I have the most amazing nieces. I participated in one book fair. I went rock climbing in the Adirondaks with First Descents and surfing in Maui with Project Koru. I met a bunch of cancer survivors who are now my friends. They inspire me daily. I saw the FCC soccer team play twice. I went swimming several times. I started dating and got a part-time job. I’d say that’s a pretty good year. It was. My goals for 2018 are to work, write, blog, exercise, eat healthy, date, and travel. I want to revise the novel, make art, do yoga, go indoor rock climbing, and get a television. I want to join a cancer support group, lead an art therapy group, and have more fun adventures. I want to get a tattoo on my left forearm, a butterfly, heart, cross, the word faith or all of them combined into one design. I want to go to some music concerts.

I’m going to share my blogging process. Writing is very therapeutic for me even the next day tmi hangover I always have since I write so candidly. When I first started blogging, I wrote about various topics rather than my personal life. Now, I weave them together to make sense of my experiences and offer insights which might be helpful to the reader. There’s usually one sentence that sticks out because it’s unclear or didn’t get revised or is a seed for a future blog. I don’t go back and change the post. I let it be even if there are a few mistakes. It’s good for me to let it be imperfect. Most of the time, the first draft is handwritten. There’s usually something I’m ready to write, but if it’s early in the month and I’m not ready to start the next blog, I’ll write in my notebook. If thoughts come to me at night while I’m in bed which they often do, I use the notes app on my phone. Some people probably skip these first two steps and go straight to typing. Whatever works best for you is your process. I put the pictures in last because I think it breaks up the text and adds visual interest.

I have a pretty good idea of what topics I want to cover and what needs to go into the post. Then I roll the blog around in my head for a few days. This is kind of annoying but also kind of fun. Then it gets to the point where the words are ready and the post needs to get typed. I think all this prep work is to outsmart my inner critic who still tries to tell me not to write and that I don’t have anything to say. Then it has to be revised several times. The final post is the result of four or five drafts. I don’t usually look back at the handwritten stuff unless I’ve forgotten something. I try to write a fresh take with fast energy although at this point the major parts are nearly memorized. Some posts are easier to write because they take less preliminary work. It comes down to saying what I want to say in the way I want to say it. I think that’s the key. It’s like playing the right notes on a musical instrument. It takes a lot of practice but it doesn’t feel like work because you enjoy it. When you’re good at something and your family is proud of you, it makes you feel good about yourself.

I want to address something because I heard a song about being just a number and it dawned on me what I might’ve done in last month’s post. When I wrote guy #3 and guy #5, my intention was to protect their identity by not revealing their names. I thought that’s what you’re supposed to do. It wasn’t to make anyone feel like they’re just a number. Guy #3 has a name, it’s Tommy. Guy #5’s name is Joseph. I feel bad about writing a post that takes jabs at someone in order to get a laugh. I don’t know how comedians are able to do that. I still have some anger and resentment to work through. We all do. It’s easy to criticize others because it takes the focus off of ourselves. I think I do a decent job of self-reflection by admitting to my errors and shortcomings. Maybe it’s easier for me to push people away than to let them get close which is something I’m still working on. I was raised on country music, it’s in my blood. I’d like to be with someone who can appreciate all types of music.

Let’s say a friend of mine had met five guys and was still interested in one of them. If she asked me for advice, I’d tell her, that’s a gd miracle, you’re so picky. Why not be happy? Why not take a chance? Practice what you preach. You deserve to be loved. Feel with your heart and think with your head. If it doesn’t work out, you’re strong enough to recover. He might not share your feelings, although he probably does. He might be talking to other women, but you’re just as awesome. He could break your heart, that’s a risk you’ll have to take. Friendship is the foundation. Get to know him better. When you care about someone, you stop playing games. Why would you keep dating when you’ve met someone you like? Why would you question what the good Lord has given you? He’s the only one you can’t stop thinking about, so stop being such a scaredy cat.

Until you start dating exclusively or enter into a relationship you can see whomever you like. Your love is worth a lot but not if you keep it to yourself, so don’t be stingy with your love but don’t give your love to someone who can’t love you back. When someone gives you the run around, don’t run, just walk away. Don’t let a guy who doesn’t know if he wants to be in your life keep you from living your life. And you have to take your love goggles off so you can see the other fish. Follow your heart. That’s my advice. You’re going to anyway. Just slow down. That’s the lesson I learned today. I locked my keys in my car. I put my purse and keys on the passenger seat so I could scrape off the snow. I should’ve kept the keys in my coat pocket or started the engine but it took mom awhile to bring the extra set of keys so that wouldn’t have been good. Luckily, I was able to use my neighbor’s cell phone to call her and wait inside the building. I was late to work. When I get out of the grocery, I put my purse and keys on the seat and then put the groceries in the car and it’s never locked on its own before. It must’ve been the cold weather. Oh well. All is well.

Have an awesome 2018!!

Julie

November passed by very quickly. I’m late to get my blog posted. I was busy learning my new job and my family visited for a few days. Since I’ve had several different retail jobs in the past, I feel very comfortable running a register. I haven’t worked in seven years, this felt like a good place to start. I enjoy helping the customers which requires me to be friendly and confident. I feel better about myself because I’m testing my limits and no longer being afraid. It’s also good for me to be busy and out of the apartment. I didn’t want to spend another winter feeling alone and isolated. I’m grateful to have found a job close by. I stopped shopping for clothes while I was writing the book. I wore the same pair of blue sweatpants for a few years, so it’s nice to be around new clothes. Although, I still have trouble buying myself stuff which is something I’m working on. I’m learning how to feel comfortable in my body again. I’m learning how to have a life after cancer. I was already behind on the cleaning and laundry. Now, I have even more to get done but it seems like the busier I am, the better I manage my time.

I realized something after watching a Youtube video where it talked about how our past isn’t baggage if it becomes a learned lesson. When you’re dating, if a person doesn’t appreciate your strength it’s because they’re trying to take advantage of you. I went on one date this month. I’ll call him guy #5 because that’s what he is, the fifth guy I’ve met from the dating site. He sent me a message and since I wasn’t completely repulsed by him, I thought I’d give him a chance. We talked on the phone about four times which now seems like wasted time although it takes time to get to know someone. He’s in a profession that I somewhat respect, yet the longer I talked with him the less and less I liked him. “Give him a chance,” my mom said. We agreed to meet after work at a restaurant near me. He was late to the date. I gave him the benefit of the doubt since he had a longer drive through rush hour. I wasn’t very nervous. I had already somewhat written him off, which I know sounds terrible. If nothing else, at least I’m being honest.

I went into the date already annoyed at his ex-wife baggage which he talked about in length. He wanted to know what the other four guys did wrong so he could mold himself into someone I would like. It doesn’t work that way. You’re either the person that I like or you’re not. Sure, you can stop bad habits or change superficial stuff but it comes down to whether the person does it for you or not. He didn’t do it for me. And I just keep thinking, am I being too … I don’t even know the word. No, I’m not being too anything. I’m being myself. I had a good time with him at least in the beginning. We had good conversation, but the final straw came when he drank more than I was comfortable with and wanted to go somewhere else and keep drinking. I’m not a party girl that’s pretty obvious on my profile. I ate more sushi than he did. Oh dear. I can’t eat more sushi than anyone lol. He said he hadn’t ran that day and didn’t want the extra calories. I think there’s more calories in beer than sushi.

While we were eating, he said, “I don’t have any STDs.” Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that’s polite dinner conversation. He said he figured I had probably slept with the other four guys because I’m on a dating site and that’s what people are doing nowadays. Oh really? I’m too old to fall for peer pressure. I could’ve slept with him but I didn’t want to, nor did I want to get to know him better. I guess that’s the bottom line. I want to actually like the person I become intimate with and feel like they like me too rather than just being some girl they find attractive enough to sleep with. Actually, the final straw was when he said he doesn’t like rap or country music. Oh dear. When I asked him who he likes he said John Mayer. While he does have a few good songs, he’s not one of my favorites. To put down two genres of music that require skill, talent, and musicality, is absurd. He probably realized that by the look on my face. Ugh.

I know I’m being too hard on him, that’s his opinion and he’s welcome to it. His niceness seemed insincere which also got on my nerves. Once again it sounds like I don’t like a perfectly nice guy. But if a person is just being nice to get something from you, how is that any better? I’ll admit, I’m a bit naive, a little slow to catch on. We all have issues, it’s whether we’re working on them or not. I got upset recently and cried about something. I’m doing something wrong. That’s it! I’m doing instead of being. I step into my masculine energy, try to make things happen, when that’s the guy’s job. I need to be more comfortable in my feminine energy. It’s okay to have feelings. If we didn’t have feelings, we’d be robots. My fears keep preventing me from getting closer to guy #3. Although I did see him again, I don’t feel like I made time for him. I focused on learning my job and seeing my family. I worried about whether he liked me or not. I wondered if I was pretty enough. And I didn’t want to get my heart broken. The problem is, you can’t go into it half-hearted or trying not to get hurt. That’s like half way striking the ball, it’s not going to go very far and you get hurt by stopping short. This is another example of how I deny myself what I really want instead of being brave.

I like my freedom too. I have to feel like I’m gaining rather than losing something by having them in my life. I didn’t feel that way with guy #5. I felt trapped and it seemed like he was trying to impress me by buying me an expensive dinner. As many of you know, I’m perfectly happy with a Pepsi and a burrito. I don’t want to throw him under the bus because it makes me sound rude and judgmental. I’m also trying to write a humorous post and dating is good material. My dad used to tell jokes and make people laugh, I think that’s what I’m trying to do. He wanted a second date and when I told him no, he got pretty upset and bad mouthed me. I told him about a quote I saw, I’m sure that helped, lol. It’s something like – if you don’t feel blessed to have them in your life, they’re someone else’s blessing. I’m not the one for him and he isn’t the one for me. You can’t force that to happen no matter how much you try. Love doesn’t work that way. I also heard something else – when you hit the lottery, you stop buying scratch offs. When you find what you’re looking for, you stop looking. It’s that simple. Trust takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight.

I deactivated my dating account, there was only a month left of my subscription, because I don’t feel like my head is in the right place. In some ways, I’m not taking it seriously enough, it’s an opportunity to meet someone special. In other ways, I’m taking it too seriously, it should be fun. I also felt like I had hit a dead end on that site and it began to feel like a burden. When I feel like it’s time to start dating again, I’ll pick one of the free sites, I don’t want to spend any more money. Most importantly, I’ve decided not to say anything about being a cancer survivor in my profile, that’s not something they need to know right off the bat. I realize that now. While being a survivor is an advantage, I’m less likely to put up with a bunch of nonsense, it puts me at a disadvantage by creating a dark cloud around me. Sad but true. It’s a part of who I am, for better or worse. I can’t undo what’s been done. I can’t change what’s happened. I can only move forward and hope for the energy to get out of bed and make it through the day. I have faith in God and myself. Being alone has made me stronger and no one can take that away from me.

Since I still have some feelings for guy #3, I’m not giving the other guys a chance. You’re just supposed to hide your profile when that happens and see where it goes. I don’t know where it’s going or if it’s going to go anywhere. When I start thinking with my heart instead of my head, I get off track. What brings me back to center is the fact that dating is about finding the person who can give you what you need and vice versa. It isn’t about forcing someone to be someone they don’t want to be. I have to figure out what I need. It’s harder to go out with someone I actually like because it means something. It’s easy to go out with guys I don’t like because it doesn’t matter. If I’m just going to pick guys to reach the challenge number that isn’t right either. I should look on the bright side, I’m 1/3 of the way there. If I decide to complete the challenge, I only have to meet 10 more guys. I could pick up the pace, I move at the speed of a turtle. Some girls could set up 2-3 dates a week. I’m grateful for the experiences I’ve had because they’ve helped me move forward. I just got my second paycheck and while it isn’t that much money, my mom is proud of me.

I’m typing this on my new laptop, a 13 inch MacBook Air, which I’ve had for a few months now. At first, I didn’t like it and had a difficult adjustment which is normal for me when I get new things. I had a Dell Inspiron for many years (contrary to popular belief, I did not type the book on a typewriter lol) but it had stopped working. What do I love about the laptop? It’s lightweight, has a long battery life, and syncs with my phone. I love the keyboard. I can bang on the keys which is quite satisfying. I’ve gotten used to the screen resolution which bothered me at first. Since I have ginormous hands, I wouldn’t have been happy with the 12 inch MacBook despite it’s Retina display, the keyboard is smaller. I also had to upgrade my phone from a 5C to a 7 because I was out of storage. I couldn’t take photos and my email wouldn’t open. I’m very grateful for my new technology. I’m also hoping to get a television for Christmas. What’s come over me? Five years is long enough to go without a television. I’d like to watch Jeopardy, soccer games, movies, and a few of my favorite shows.

I enjoyed seeing my brother, sister-in-law, and nieces. They flew here from Utah and stayed with my mom for five days. My aunts, uncles, and cousins came over for Thanksgiving dinner. I always enjoy seeing everyone and eating a delicious meal especially the sweet potato casserole, pecan and pumpkin pies. My niece, Emma, who will be three in March is very energetic and cute as a button. My other niece Mary, is five months old. She’s definitely more calm and quiet. Since I’m not having kids, I enjoy spending time with them. We went to the Entertrainment Junction and had a great time seeing the trains and taking pictures with Santa. Since I was so excited to see him, he gave me a token. I’m on his nice list lol. Since Christmas is right around the corner, it’s a good time to remember the reason for the season. Love. Joy. Hope. Faith. Gratitude. Family. Friendship. Strength. Purpose. Forgiveness. Humility. It’s not about presents although that’s one way we show our love and appreciation. Christmas is about the birth of potential, to see with new eyes, hope with renewed hope, and have faith that what is meant to be will be.

Have a happy Holiday,

Julie